Spouse that doesn't understand your working out?

[quorra]

Do any of you deal with a spouse that isn't really supportive of your working out or healthy hobby (such as running, swimming, biking)?

My husband doesn't really understand why I do my hobby (and isn't supportive), so I am always disappointed when I get to the finish line of a race and he's never ever left the house to see me compete. He has zero interest in working out, so I usually do it alone. I just feel kind of alone in my hobby and there are times I just don't enjoy it because I feel guilty ("You're going to practice AGAIN? Why? Didn't you just do it yesterday??").

[gt7301b]

Well my husband and I both live very active lives so we aren't in your shoes, but I am trying to figure out what I would do.

I think I would sit my DH down and tell him that leading an active live is important to me and is there away we can agree on an amount of training that doesn't interfere with our life together. I wouldn't need him to be supportive, just understanding. I would also try and get him to workout/be more active because I of the long-term heath benefits of working out.

Oh, and I wouldn't feel guilty for working out. (unless you are spending all day Sat training for an IronMan.)

[Deleted]

Dude. Your DH sounds like a dick. It shouldn't matter if your hobby is working out, going to the opera, or quilting - when it's a big event for you, he should be there and be supportive. Does he have weight problems or other issues that might make him feel inferior in the context of athletics?

[texassmith]

Jun 16, 2012 11:00:48 GMT -5 elle said:

Dude. Your DH sounds like a dick. It shouldn't matter if your hobby is working out, going to the opera, or quilting - when it's a big event for you, he should be there and be supportive. Does he have weight problems or other issues that might make him feel inferior in the context of athletics?

Yup. I'm sorry you're dealing with the situation

[quorra]

He just prefers to play video games and watch movies versus doing anything athletic. He was my first race but not at the finish line, I had to go find him in the crowd afterwards (well away from the finish line). I know that it's not required, but it felt like such a let down that he wasn't there cheering me on.

He ended up telling one of my friends after the fact that he thought I wasn't going to finish the race anyways. My friend wanted to punch him. Eek.

[quorra]

Jun 16, 2012 11:28:14 GMT -5 texassmith said:

Jun 16, 2012 11:00:48 GMT -5 elle said:

Dude. Your DH sounds like a dick. It shouldn't matter if your hobby is working out, going to the opera, or quilting - when it's a big event for you, he should be there and be supportive. Does he have weight problems or other issues that might make him feel inferior in the context of athletics?

Yup. I'm sorry you're dealing with the situation

Thanks. I'm really not looking for people to feel sorry for me, I guess I'm curious if anyone else goes through a similar situation.

[Deleted]

Honestly, he needs to get on board. It's not fair for him to be unsupportive, and he's not only being that - he's being obstructive. He's asking you to not exercise and making you feel guilty. That's not fair.

Can you get to the bottom of this? Is he overweight and unhappy? Can he not workout for health reasons? When I used to work out a little and my then-boyfriend-now-husband didn't want to, I couldn't stick with it. Now we're both on board and very supportive of each other's sweat-addiction, it's more fun and much easier!

[joenali]

Ask him to join you. Try to figure out an activity that you both might like: hiking, biking, dancing, dance dance revolution .

[taratru]

I would be far less "concerned" about his lack of interest in athletics and WAY more concerned about his lack of interest in *you*. It shouldn't matter what you like to do, if it's important to you, he should be supporting you in it (unless it's a gambling or drug addiction).

He doesn't have to come to all your races or anything, but guilting you over it? He sounds immature and insecure.

[marie427]

Jun 16, 2012 11:29:03 GMT -5 quorra said:

He ended up telling one of my friends after the fact that he thought I wasn't going to finish the race anyways. My friend wanted to punch him. Eek.

THAT is a very unsupportive thing to say. Quite dick-ish, actually.

I will go against the grain here and say that I don't think your H needs to be there at the finish line; racing is your hobby, not his. I'm not interested in a lot of H's hobbies, but overall we are supportive of each other in that we respect our different interests and are happy for each other when the other succeeds. And that's the part where your H is being unreasonable; he doesn't believe in your capabilities and doesn't seem willing to understand that this is important to you, so you definitely need to have a talk about that. Good luck.

[pinkplasticdoll]

In light of your last update your H is a complete douchebag and honestly I can't imagine that this is the only aspect in your marriage that troubles you. If my fi ever said that he didn't think I would ever cross the finish line I would seriously be upset with him to the point of rethinking marrying him.

He doesn't have to participate in the same activities that I do but he needs to be supportive of me. If you decide to have children with him and continue training for events he will need to be supportive of long rides, runs or swims that you plan and help with the children.

[Brie]

He sounds like a dick. Sorry.

My H isn't at all athletic, and would rather be at home playing video games, too. I don't expect him to be at all of my events or whatever, but if I ask him to come or say I need his support, he shuts up and plays happy cheerleader for a morning. And I would do the same for him.

Mostly, though, I just treat working out as MY thing. He doesn't have to like it or join me, but he doesn't get in my way either and politely puts up with my occasional CrossFit chatter.

[gt7301b]

Jun 16, 2012 11:29:03 GMT -5 quorra said:

He ended up telling one of my friends after the fact that he thought I wasn't going to finish the race anyways. My friend wanted to punch him. Eek.

WTF?? I was going to give your DH the benefit of the doubt earlier, but this is an a$$holio thing to say.

I ran a 5k this AM and my DH didn't go with me (we run 5ks 2-3 times a week), but he was super encouraging and told me he was sure I would win an age group award.

[sadlebred]

1. Your husband doesn't need to understand or like your hobbies but does need to support you.
2. Learn to go to the races by yourself. I do 25 cycling races a year or so. How many does DH come to. Meh, maybe one. He usually does one cyclocross race with me in the fall to see some of his friends (yeah, not me....). I love going to races by myself and consider it "me" time.
3. You might want to consider seeing a counselor with your DH in order to work through the issues. It sounds deeper than you exercising.

[punkinbutter]

My husband isn't into the fitness thing, I am. He has his own interests that don't interest me. We have some informal ground rules. We each do our own thing and then make sure we do stuff we both enjoy together. We try not to go on too long when discussing independent interests (i.e. My eyes start to glaze on if he goes on about his thing for more than 10 minutes or vice-versa). Since we can both be obsessive about things, the rules keep us grounded. We've been together for 10 years, we know interests change and that we don't have to have the same ones. He appreciates it if I come to 1 event a year.

Talk to your husband. Tell him you know its not his thing but you would appreciate it if he came to X events a year and its his job to tell you good job and take you out for frozen yogurt at the end of every race. Let him play video games while you train. Maybe you could do something together using the Xbox Connect.

[SusanBAnthony]

Eh, I don't know. He shouldn't have said he didn't think you would finish, but other than that, I would not be mad. Going to any kind of race as a spectator sounds like TORTURE to me, and I run races myself (some 5K's, not anything serious, lol). I would never expect my H to show up for a race, it would be dull as dirt.

I have no idea how much time you spend training, so I can't really comment on that. It is definitely possible that he could just be being whiny about it, it could also be true that you are not pulling your weight at home or in terms of time with your H bc you are training so much. I have no idea.

[Deleted]

He could feel completely inadequate and is choosing to deal with it negatively to make himself feel better. I would probably sit down with him and ask him what the real issue is.

[aurora]

Have you ever actually told him, in words, that you would like to see him cheering for you at the finish line? He might not even realize that this is important to you (frankly, it wouldn't be for me as long as I knew he supported me overall).

I do have to say, though, that telling a friend you probably wouldn't finish is a pretty jerky thing to do (and maybe indicative of some bigger picture with which you are struggling).

[hjohnson050711]

would lead by example be an option? when you are feeling amazing and looking hot maybe it will eventually be inspiration for him to join in on the healthy lifestyle.

take inspiration from yourself - like having that awesome feeling when you PR on a run. just enjoy the moment for yourself.

it sucks that he doesn't share your enthusiasm but maybe one day he will get on board - keep up the good work.

[golden]

The thing about you not finishing is not cool, but in general I don't think he needs to come to your races if it's not his thing. He needs to support you emotionally, but IDK, I don't go to all of H's rounds of golf. He doesn't come to all of my stuff. We're not mean to each other about it, though.

Does he resent the time you spend on it? I'll be honest, I'm a little over the amount of time H spends working on his distance running. Yes, it's his hobby, and it's healthy, but he runs for quite a big chunk of when he's not at work, meaning I'm on watching our kids, we wait around for him to run before we go do things, etc. It's a constant discussion in our house because there is only so much time in a day, and between working and family responsibilities, there is not a ton left over for personal hobbies. So when one takes as much time as distance running does, it's easy for resentment to build, even if I am supportive of him having a hobby, staying fit, etc. There are levels of fit, I guess, in my mind, and sometimes having a really time consuming hobby just doesn't work when you have kids, etc. Anyway, just the other side of it...

[stinkerbell6879]

First off, congrats for getting out there! and second, My DH goes to my races, but not always at the finish line, etc. becuase it is usually pretty hectic, so I don't expect it. He also is not running with me, BUT he encourages me, because he knows it's what I want to do and it makes me happy! So sad to say but your hubby needs to learn to be supportive.