Lack of Intimacy. TMI

[nonookie]

AE for privacy.

I am a wreck today and need some advice.... or opinions if anyone has had a similar issue.

H and I have been married almost 11 years. We have a 1 year old. I'm 36, he's 41 - will be 42 soon.

We have a really strong marriage I think. It's something I've always been really proud of. We argue occasionally, have had rocky weeks here and there, but for the most part things are good. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
We have always had slightly different sex drives in that I want more than he does. We've been averaging once a week for years - I push for twice a week (which would be enough for me, once a week really isn't).

Things have been slowing down recently. We have been about once every two weeks since the baby came. Not her fault, she sleeps over 12 hours/ night, but he just doesn't seem interested. I admit I nag which probably doesn't help any.

I recently told him I would like a second child which he is strongly against. A couple of weeks ago he lost his erection twice. First time ever. I was able to, ahem, manually work him to completion - we didn't go for full sex as didn't want to put any pressure on him to perform.

We now haven't had intercourse in almost a month. The weekend went by with nothing. I lost it last night and told him how hurt I was that we hadn't even tried. He said he no longer has any sexual desire.

He is trying to make it sound like this is related to his performance issue, but this has been going on waaaaay longer than a couple of weeks, it just seems that we've hit the breaking point.

I am devastated. I feel like I have been asking him to get his testosterone checked, talk to a doctor, etc.
he went to the doctor last week to get an antidepressant. He's not what I would consider typically depressed, but he does suffer from anxiety and he can be quite negative. We had a therapy session with someone we saw a couple of years ago when we were deciding to have a kid and he said he wondered if there were some light depression going on.
The doctor suggested meditation (really?) and gave him some Viagra to try. Obviously we haven't, because it's not just a functional issue, but one of desire.

I am 97.5% sure that he is neither cheating on me or is gay. He says he is still deeply in love with me, but I am having terrible feelings of hurt, anger and disappointment.
I feel like I repel him. After he told me that he has no sexual desire last night I just wept. I feel worthless, ugly, undesirable, rejected.
I feel like this is my fault for not losing the baby weight. For nagging that I want more sex over the past several years. For aging. For wanting another baby he doesn't want. For walking around naked with saggy boobs and stretch marks. I'm not obese - I'm a size 14, but I used to be a 10/ 12 and much fitter.

I wonder if this is the end of our marriage? We are great room mates, but I feel like lack of intimacy is tearing us apart. We do cuddle and kiss at night in bed, but we don't make out.
He has gone down on me maybe once since I got pregnant. That's almost 2 YEARS.

Has anyone been through this? I have stopped initiating because I don't want to always push him.
I know it's only been a month since we last had sex, but we normally do it after I get pissed off and nag about it and now with the erectile issues I could see this snowballing out of control really fast.

[W.T.Faulkner]

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time.

I don't have any advice, but I hope this can be fixed for both of you.

[Deleted]

If the doctor recommended Viagra, or at least recommended to give it a try, then I would try it. It doesn't mean that you ignore everything else, but it could be a step in the right direction.

Anxiety and performance issues could definitely affect his drive. I think it's a good sign if he's open to investigating solutions.

[nonookie]

Ps; I know this sounds a little dramatic, I know the next step is for him to go back to the doctor and say it's not just performance, it's desire.
I just feel so unwanted. I feel like I am taking this to heart way more than is normal. I don't know wtf is wrong with me.

[eddy]

Listen, from someone who has suffered from lack of sexual desire I can tell you in my case it had zero to do with my partner. It had more to do with what was going on in my head, my own self esteem etc. So stop with the saggy boobs. I am sure you are beautiful and this has nothing to do with it. Don't blame yourself.

Do you think this is related to your desire to have another child? Like a performance anxiety sort of thing?

What did his medical tests indicate? 40s for men is a normal time for them to start to lack desire.

hugs to you

[Deleted]

I'm really sorry.

I think he should get his testosterone checked. I also don't think that the idea of meditating is an awful one. It really can help to keep people in the moment, maybe he has a lot on his mind? Maybe he is really afraid of having a second baby so he just can't keep it up?

I know you have been making effort in the past to come on to him, but maybe some flirty sexting will have him thinking about it during the day?

Cliche but I think you should try counseling, maybe even a sex therapist.

I hope you guys figure it out.

[ijack]

I'm your H. I have no desire. It's not just dwindling, it's dead. Dead. I've tried reading smut to help me out (it used to work) and it does nothing. I know it's my AD, but when I went off them I was crazy (though I had a sex drive).
I'm really trying to work on it, but it's really hard when it's like I'm numb. Please know that it isn't your fault and really has nothing to do with you, though I understand why it effects a marriage.
Hugs.

[Deleted]

Is the therapy session an ongoing thing or a one-time event?

Have you told your husband about how it makes you feel worthless/rejected/undesirable/angry/sad etc?

[wambam]

I have been there. My H has been unable to get an erection on and off the two years. We go through phases where sex isn't possible for multiple months and it is awful. We also have a strong marriage and friendship outside of sex.

We had to focus on not putting pressure on intercourse and allowing fooling around to "count" as intimacy. This really helped take the pressure off of him and get out of the cycle of not being able to get an erection and then therefore worrying about it even more.

My H was also given an RX for Viagra. It worked, he was able to get an erection but it raised his body temperature like crazy and his face was burning hot. It made sex really uncomfortable so we don't use it when he's having issues.

I'm so sorry. Let me know if I can help at all.

[purrbox]

Jul 22, 2013 11:44:24 GMT -5 eddy said:

Listen, from someone who has suffered from lack of sexual desire I can tell you in my case it had zero to do with my partner. It had more to do with what was going on in my head, my own self esteem etc. So stop with the saggy boobs. I am sure you are beautiful and this has nothing to do with it. Don't blame yourself.

Do you think this is related to your desire to have another child? Like a performance anxiety sort of thing?

What did his medical tests indicate? 40s for men is a normal time for them to start to lack desire.

hugs to you

All of this.

[pantsparty]

I'm sorry. I really wouldn't push this to be a reflection of you. I go through periods where I am just not interested in sex. It has zero to do with my H, whom I love more than life.

In my case, at least we can still have sex, I just tell my H to make it a quickie and lube up, LOL. However, if he wasn't able to get an erection, I can see why he's hesitant to try. I'm sure it's very embarrassing and it's probably caused a big hit to his confidence and self-esteem.

Has his testosterone been checked? There are supplements he can take, I believe, that can help with that.

[thebamker]

well the antidepressants aren't going to help anything.

I can give you a bit of insight from your H's pov. I promise he isn't revolted by you, as a person, or regarding your body. Sometimes shit happens in our heads that just makes it nearly impossible to feel like being intimate. even when you're willing to try. it sucks.

Hope things get better for you. I'm sorry.

[nonookie]

Jul 22, 2013 11:46:57 GMT -5 @fucksticklegit said:

Is the therapy session an ongoing thing or a one-time event?

Have you told your husband about how it makes you feel worthless/rejected/undesirable/angry/sad etc?

I think it may be the start of ongoing sessions. It may have to be. The session was a 'one off', but I think we both need more.

Last night I told him. I was literally sobbing. In my head I was repeating how worthless I am over and over. I don't know why I do this to myself. I cried again this morning and he did a little too. Maybe 4th time I've seen him shed a tear in 11 years.

Thanks to those sharing their experiences. It's good to know that your lack of desire isn't due to your partner.
How are your partners coping? Are they understanding? Frustrated? Has it affected your marriage?

[shoeless]

Hugs. I've been/am in your shoes for (different causes). I understand how you feel. Its incredibly easy to blame yourself for his lack of desire. Trust me, I blamed myself for being rejected, for not turning him on, for not being as pretty as I once was, so on and so forth for a very long time. Its taken me even longer to realize, its not me, its him. His lack of desire is not a reflection of who I am. I can't help you with where you go from here, but please know this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and most likely the stresses and depression he is dealing with.

[wambam]

Jul 22, 2013 11:55:28 GMT -5 nonookie said:

How are your partners coping? Are they understanding? Frustrated? Has it affected your marriage?

My H tends to feel like he's letting me down and beats himself up about it. Which leads to even more anxiety about the issue. It has definitely caused more arguments, but I would say it has not negatively affected our marriage. We truly are the best of friends and so we have another part of the relationship to fall back on when sex isn't going well.

[sonrisa]

Could your 1 year old be affecting things? Exhaustion can take it's toll.

You say you think he might be gay. Where does that thought come from? Over your 11 years together have there been things to make you doubt?

[MrsAxilla]

Another vote for a testosterone check. What's his hair like? I know that seems random, but hair loss and high testosterone are sometimes related. If he has a full, glorious mane AND lack of desire, I'll bet it's a testosterone issue, exacerbated by anxiety and depression. In other words, treatable!

[thecatdidit]

I also think he should get his testosterone checked.

[ijack]

Jul 22, 2013 11:55:28 GMT -5 nonookie said:

Jul 22, 2013 11:46:57 GMT -5 @fucksticklegit said:

Thanks to those sharing their experiences. It's good to know that your lack of desire isn't due to your partner.
How are your partners coping? Are they understanding? Frustrated? Has it affected your marriage?

Frustrated. Our marriage isn't in an awesome place right now, and I know this contributes. But there are things he does that make me not even willing to "take one for the team" so it's not necessarily just on me (though I admit a lot of it is).
I want to want it, but it just isn't happening.

[nonookie]

No, I don't think he's gay. I mean there's always a chance I guess, but I really don't think so.

He has a growing bald spot. Lol.

I just don't understand why he didn't get tested when he was at the doctor. I have asked him about it many times (in a nice way I hope!).

Maybe I've just pushed him too far.

[Glitter Tits]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I agree with PPs that it has zero to do with you. And don't be surprised if the ADs kill his drive even more. Hopefully they will help him get to a better place mentally so that he can be there for you again.

Have you considered couples therapy? The first year with a child is so hard. It really puts a strain on even the best relationships. Did his libido decrease after you discussed wanting more children? Are you on any form of BC? Could he be scared of getting you pregnant again, since he doesn't want that right now?

[cleo29]

First, anti-depressants can have a real impact on sex drive/performance, so he needs to be aware of that.

second, I tend to be your H, but have made a concerted effort to do things more often, pretty much every other day, and as lame as a schedule might sound, it has really helped us. of course, sometimes we don't do it if there is illness or we are just too freaking tired, but overall, we do it. It has really helped things. I don't feel like every little thing H says is somehow about the lack of sex, he is happy because he gets some with regularity and it has helped my drive a bit.

I think you need to have a real honest talk with him, without making accusations, making him feel guilty, about how long he has felt this way and try to figure out what's really going on. I do think have his levels tested is a good idea.

[soleil]

No advice, but I know how you feel. We hit a rough patch (ongoing actually) since my DH has been in medical school. We're opposites--I need physical affection to feel emotionally connected, but my DH needs to feel emotionally connected in order to be physical with me.

We're in a bit of a stand-off because of this. It is really, really hard. He doesn't mind cuddling or hand holding, but won't make out with me or mess around. Sometimes he'll be inspired or something and initiate, but the ball is completely in his court at all times in terms of physical intimacy. He's been extremely closed off emotionally so I feel stuck. I feel the way you do--unattractive and rejected. Round and round we go, trying to strengthen our emotional/physical connection but end up just cycling back to the start.

I'm really sorry--I hope things get better for you.

[KKD]

I am so sorry and can understand how hurt you must feel. It definitely seems like it could be a medical issue, whether it's related to depression or testosterone levels, both of which are easily treatable.

About a year ago my H went through some testing for anemia-like symptoms and was ultimately diagnosed with low testosterone which was surprising to both of us. Since then he's been getting regular testosterone shots, and while he never had any issues with his libido, there is a noticeable difference in his desire in the days after he gets a fresh shot.

I have been in your H's shoes when my kids were still babies, and while I know not everyone here agrees with this approach, what worked for me is that I made a deal with myself to never reject H when he initiated. I never told him about it, so it's not like he can hold it against me, and it helps that he doesn't ever ask more than he knows I'm comfortable with, but it has made a major difference for us.

Good luck to both of you.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2013 11:55:28 GMT -5 nonookie said:

Jul 22, 2013 11:46:57 GMT -5 @fucksticklegit said:

Is the therapy session an ongoing thing or a one-time event?

Have you told your husband about how it makes you feel worthless/rejected/undesirable/angry/sad etc?

I think it may be the start of ongoing sessions. It may have to be. The session was a 'one off', but I think we both need more.

Last night I told him. I was literally sobbing. In my head I was repeating how worthless I am over and over. I don't know why I do this to myself. I cried again this morning and he did a little too. Maybe 4th time I've seen him shed a tear in 11 years.

Thanks to those sharing their experiences. It's good to know that your lack of desire isn't due to your partner.
How are your partners coping? Are they understanding? Frustrated? Has it affected your marriage?

 I think this needs to become an ongoing thing for the both of you. It will help give you both a place to unload your fears/anxieties/feelings in a neautral setting with a professional who can help guide you toward some kind of solution. It sounds like a combination of things causing this and hopefully a doctor can solve any physical issues, and a therapist can help solve any emotional issues contributing to the problem. Good luck.

[Deleted]

I also think you should sit down and discuss this with him when you aren't feeling emotional and can just talk calmly. Almost scientific like.

Outline what it is that you want out of the relationship (not guilting him, just matter of fact, this is what I NEED out of a relationship.)

I'm sorry you're going through this

[evynsmama]

I was in a relationship before DH where my BF wanted sex way more than I did and he would nag me about it and if I did agree but wasn't physically aroused he would take it as a reflection on him. I was so worried everytime we had sex that I wouldn't be ready to go and be too dry and it just exacerbated the problem.  The anxiety stayed with me through other relationships as well and even now I am sometimes worried I won't be  "ready" but it hasn't been an issue since meeting DH.

I also know that when DH & I were going through our fertility treatments to have DD that he would have trouble finishing due to anxiety.

I think that this isn't about you and the way your husband views you, it sounds like his anxiety issues have moved to the bedroom and he has been honest with you about it. I would definitely encourage him to go to counseling on his own to deal with his anxiety and then for you two to go together.

Then I would suggest to him that you just do "other" things in bed that satisfy you but don't pressure him to perform and see if that coupled with counseling gets the two of you back on track.

FWIW once a week with a toddler is pretty awesome from where I stand 

Good Luck!

[nonookie]

He is recently on blood pressure meds. We thought it was that and brought it up with the doctor who said it wasn't.

He drinks but not to excess. No smoking. He works out.

The nagging is completely counter productive, but wtf do I do? I'm like gagging for it and I just get so frustrated! Any tips on alternative ways to being it up which are more positive?

We are having a cash flow issue at the minute which can be stressful, but we have money so it's a concern but not a disaster.

The second baby thing is an issue between us. I wish we had our first baby way younger to give more breathing room, but he wouldn't. Now he's the most amazing Father.

[snickers]

I'm sorry

[Deleted]

You might want to check out "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis, if you're looking for other strategies and thoughts about how to solve the differences in desire between the two of you.