How are your partners coping? Are they understanding? Frustrated? Has it affected your marriage?
My H tends to feel like he's letting me down and beats himself up about it. Which leads to even more anxiety about the issue. It has definitely caused more arguments, but I would say it has not negatively affected our marriage. We truly are the best of friends and so we have another part of the relationship to fall back on when sex isn't going well.
I would say this is exactly where we had been until last night when I appear to have lost my shit.
He is recently on blood pressure meds. We thought it was that and brought it up with the doctor who said it wasn't.
He drinks but not to excess. No smoking. He works out.
The nagging is completely counter productive, but wtf do I do? I'm like gagging for it and I just get so frustrated! Any tips on alternative ways to being it up which are more positive?
We are having a cash flow issue at the minute which can be stressful, but we have money so it's a concern but not a disaster.
The second baby thing is an issue between us. I wish we had our first baby way younger to give more breathing room, but he wouldn't. Now he's the most amazing Father.
This might be a bigger concern for him than you or source of stress.
Post by shopgirl07 on Jul 22, 2013 12:43:42 GMT -5
Well, wait. You kind of glossed over the second baby thing. Did you guys discuss how many children you wanted? Has he changed his mind? One person wanting another child and the other being against it is a huge issue. I'm not surprised he couldn't perform after you had that discussion.
I think you need to go to marriage counseling to get on the same page here. Hopefully all of the issues will come out and you'll be able to work through his lack of interest.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm on board with the testosterone testing, counseling and most of all breaking the thought of "it's me, it's me, it's me."
Not to be crass, but if you're comfortable one night, maybe after you've had a date or you're both just having a really good day, there's other stuff you can do besides sex. Maybe initiate some making out. Introduce a vibrator. Hell, tickle each other. And maybe with the medical stuff figured out, counseling, and comfort, you can get back into the swing of things.
He doesn't seem to want to make out. We do occasionally - I pretty much always initiate it. It never leads to anything else. I have a vibrator. Without it I would have had a nervous breakdown years ago. Lol.
I'm also starting to feel a little awkward about the whole thing. I want to have sex, but it doesn't feel as natural anymore.
Another idea. I am not a person who loves physical affection, I never had and having 2 kids has made it work. We tend to not cuddle or touch so I know when H starts rubbing my back exactly what he wants and I hate it. It's made me dislike physical touch even more, which of course makes our issue worse. We're working on him just touching me to touch me and not expecting anything, and me being okay with being touched. Is there a way to incorporate that into your relationship? Maybe just give him a back rub and make him feel loved without expecting anything from him so that he knows you aren't upset about things?
Well, wait. You kind of glossed over the second baby thing. Did you guys discuss how many children you wanted? Has he changed his mind? One person wanting another child and the other being against it is a huge issue. I'm not surprised he couldn't perform after you had that discussion.
I think you need to go to marriage counseling to get on the same page here. Hopefully all of the issues will come out and you'll be able to work through his lack of interest.
How did I gloss over it? It's one of the major points in my first post. The baby issue was why we went for the 'touch up' session with the therapist.
We were both 'blah' about kids. Not really for, not really against. Then I got more for and he got more against, but neither of us were absolute. We decided to discuss with a therapist and ultimately decided to stop birth control and see what happened. We got pregnant almost immediately. She was a really tough, colicky infant, but at the minute is a really easy toddler (long may it last!). H seems to love being a Father and is amazing with her.
I don't find having a kid stressful at all (at this age at least!). In fact it turns out that I LOVE it. H and I are both only children and I thought I would be onboard with having an only child. Now I feel so sad for her that she has no aunts, uncles, cousins and probably no sibling.
I am the one who has moved the kid goal posts though, not him. Hence the therapy session.
You've received some really great advice from PP's. I just wanted to add that you should stop seeing yourself as "unattractive." Go out and have a spa day or do something just for you! Get a haircut or do something to pamper yourself to get that self confidence back up! In my experience, that is totally hot! ((hugs)) and good luck!
Another idea. I am not a person who loves physical affection, I never had and having 2 kids has made it work. We tend to not cuddle or touch so I know when H starts rubbing my back exactly what he wants and I hate it. It's made me dislike physical touch even more, which of course makes our issue worse. We're working on him just touching me to touch me and not expecting anything, and me being okay with being touched. Is there a way to incorporate that into your relationship? Maybe just give him a back rub and make him feel loved without expecting anything from him so that he knows you aren't upset about things?
This is a good idea, but actually we don't really have a problem with this. We're both quite touchy feely people. I do think we have been touching less recently, so maybe we need to make more of an effort to do that more.
Actually now I think about it, we really haven't been touching as much as we used to so maybe we DO have a problem with this.
Well, wait. You kind of glossed over the second baby thing. Did you guys discuss how many children you wanted? Has he changed his mind? One person wanting another child and the other being against it is a huge issue. I'm not surprised he couldn't perform after you had that discussion.
I think you need to go to marriage counseling to get on the same page here. Hopefully all of the issues will come out and you'll be able to work through his lack of interest.
How did I gloss over it? It's one of the major points in my first post. The baby issue was why we went for the 'touch up' session with the therapist.
We were both 'blah' about kids. Not really for, not really against. Then I got more for and he got more against, but neither of us were absolute. We decided to discuss with a therapist and ultimately decided to stop birth control and see what happened. We got pregnant almost immediately. She was a really tough, colicky infant, but at the minute is a really easy toddler (long may it last!). H seems to love being a Father and is amazing with her.
I don't find having a kid stressful at all (at this age at least!). In fact it turns out that I LOVE it. H and I are both only children and I thought I would be onboard with having an only child. Now I feel so sad for her that she has no aunts, uncles, cousins and probably no sibling.
I am the one who has moved the kid goal posts though, not him. Hence the therapy session.
I think I just meant that the baby thing is a gamechanger for any relationship. And when you're not on the same page, it's a recipe for disaster. Now maybe he changed his mind about having another kid or maybe he realizes your relationship is not in a good place so it wouldn't be wise right now. Either way, I think you guys really need no explore this in therapy. All cards on the table so to speak.
As someone who had the low sex drive, I remember not wanting to start anything because I felt like then there would be supreme disappointment if it didn't lead to sex. I think some of my feelings were my own issues but some was definitely valid.
H came home early today and took over with the baby so I got to relax a bit as I have been supremely wound up all day.
I feel a little better now. He has a call in to his doctor to discuss the blood pressure meds again and request a testosterone test. I let him read this thread and he almost had a heart attack when he saw SueSue's post which specifically mentioned blood pressure meds before I even said he had just gone on them.
He doesn't want to go on anti depressants in case it makes the ED worse. I don't know what I feel about that. I am feeling a bit less dramatic about things now. It seems like he wants to make things better which indicates that this isn't his way of telling me he doesn't want me any more. Please god let it be testosterone and fixable. Or the blood pressure meds. But even then we have some work to do. I guess I can get by on once a week, but much less than that (barring illness or whatever) is tough for me. Is once a week a reasonable expectation??
I'm not sure what is 'normal' for couples who have been together a while and have kids.