My mother is pissing me off. Maybe dh, too.

[wrathofkuus]

So, my mother is a big ball of crazy. She has all manner of anxiety, and instead of her coming up with coping techniques and workarounds, she makes everyone else (historically mostly me) work around it. For example, I didn't get to go on any school field trips until I was in fourth grade, because permission slips made her anxious, so I'd have to spend the day in school, in the corner of some other grade's classroom.

The current situation revolves on her anxieties about driving. She's afraid of heights, so driving at the top of an embankment makes her panicky. She does drive to work every day, over a bridge, so she can function, but wherever she goes, she has to find a specific way that feels comfortable for her, and if it's an unfamiliar place, she prefers to let someone else drive.

That's all okay. What isn't okay is that she feels entitled to being chauffeured around by me. There have been plenty of incidents in my younger years where I got strong-armed into picking her up and accompanying her to events I wasn't planning to attend, and in some cases events to which I wasn't even invited. I no longer do this.

So anyway, my cousin is having a baby shower, and it's about 45 minutes from my house. My mother lives 20 minutes in the opposite direction. Today she contacted me and asked for a ride to the shower and, since I was going anyway, I said sure, let's meet at my house beforehand, none of these shenanigans where I drive 20 min in the opposite direction to pick her up and then go back past my house to get there.

Her response? "Oh, don't be that way. It's not that bad. You're getting like ypur father, not wanting to go out of your way for people."

KUUS SMASH

As an aside, I have lived here for TEN YEARS. She has had plenty if time to find a way she feels comfortable getting here. Plenty.

So I reiterated the no, and she started getting upset and saying I was being deliberately nasty and inconsiderate, and I asked her where in any of this she considered anyone but herself, where she tried not to be an inconvenience or just plain didn't act godsdamned entitled to have people wait on her, and she just kept saying that I was mean and inconsiderate and now she's not going to the shower, as though a day without her loud prattling is some kind of punishment for me.

When I got home to tell Mr. Kuus about this, he just said that I should not change my decision necessarily, but try to see things from her perspective even though there is no way in hell she's going to reciprocate, because I'm a better person than she is.

I'm going to have to kuus smash them both, aren't I?

[captainmel]

When I anticipate Boyfriend will logic-ize my rage I preempt it and tell him to just be quiet and let me rage. Your rage is valid.

Your mom sounds... Special... Does she realize she's special? If it has been like this for a long time then maybe she won't get help for this. Don't go pick her up. Baby showers are already awful. Driving an extra 40 minutes would be painful.

[wrathofkuus]

She knows she's nuts, and will take meds, but won't do therapy, because she doesn't need it - she just needs for the whole rest of the damn world to stop being "selfish" and cater to her neuroses. Because it's everyone else's problem to deal with, of course.

[captainmel]

Um, that's totally how my life works. I don't know why you're being so mean to her. You big meanie.

Do meds help her?

Does your dad just cater to her?

[tiramisu]

I vote yes, Kuus Smash to both.

This kind of shit drives me nuts. I have anxiety, I try not to make it anyone else's problem, ever, and definitely don't expect people to go so far out of their way for me. Team you all the way on this. I also suspect your husband is used to catering to/assuaging the crazy thanks to his mom.

[wrathofkuus]

My dad half caters, half ignores and tells her to call me.

Tiramisu, you are so right about Mr. Kuus.

[captainmel]

You should probably Kuus smash your dad while you're out smashing.

[cuddlyevil]

Kuus smash them all I say.

[motzie]

Kuus smashes all around. You're right, she's had ten years to figure out a way to your house. Not your problem.

[tiramisu]

Mr. Kuus, if you're lurking, more sensate focus to make up for this oversight.

[mrsukyankee]

As a therapist, I would say that you should stick with your boundaries. If you and everyone around her keep changing plans and doing things for her, she has no reason to go get help for her anxieties. So, yes, you should not change your plans and you should kick your DH in the balls.

[Deleted]

OH MY GOD I feel your pain because my mother is the exact same. I was starting to get that way with the car/anxiety, but thank god meds have helped me not have anxiety anymore.

I don't live near her, but every time I visit she wants me to drive her around. And then she criticizes my driving! The nerve!

[margarita]

Team You! Kuus, you handled that really well.

I think tiramisu is on to something re Mr Kuus.

[Muddled]

Yes.

Does this mean she never comes over even though she only lives 20 minutes away? I am seeing that there could be some benefits to the crazy.

Your offer stands. She can take it or leave it. If Mr. Kuus thinks you are being unreasonable, he can go pick her up himself, but I would be pretty pissed if Brad undermined me like that and I actually don't think it's a good option.

[neonpink]

Smash is right. I think I would stick to your plan. Your Mom can meet you at your house, or your Dad can drive her to your house and you can go together from there. I wouldn't go pick her up. That's just inviting more crazy requests. If it's such a deal to Mr. Kuus I'd let him go get her. Let him have 20 minutes of crazy.

I understand anxiety. My FIL barely leaves the area where my In Laws live. The very few times he come down to see us. He jack rabbits out like the city is on fire. I feel bad for my MIL because she really wants to travel and either has to go alone or stays home.

[dixienormous]

I got nothing other than insane irritation at what you just described. Kuus Smash them both and then go hug a sloth.

[macmars45]

Team you. Don't give in to her.

I'm the same way with a friend H and I have. He lives 40 minutes away (one way) from us and has no car (but excellent bus service). Whenever we have a get together hang out with him and other friends he always asks for a ride. Always. Um, no dude. Either get a car or ride the bus. H tries to guilt me into picking him up but I do not bend. It's not my problem that he lives where he lives with no car.

[ECB]

Yup- totally Team You.

[dirtyred]

Are you my long-lost twin sister?  My mother is EXACTLY like this--expects the whole world to cater to her anxiety instead of her actually seeing a doctor about getting help.  It make me insane.

And God forbid you call her out on it  You'll hear about it for WEEKS.

[starrieskies]

Smash them ALL! I find excessive smashing extremely theraputic!

My mom gets like this sometimes when we go places, but usually only when its unfamiliar territory for her, or if it's dark. She has a thing about driving in the dark. BUT she makes up for it by suggesting "we" drive her car, she pays for the gas and usually takes me out to lunch or dinner depending on when and where we are going. Most of the time I just go with it, but if it's a huge inconvenience I tell her no. She is the queen of guilt trips, but most of the time I stick to my guns and it eventually subsides.

[Chirp]

You're going to need these

[zelda25]

Oh hell no. After having spend the first 35 years of my life assuaging my own mother's crazy, I totally feel you on this and I say kuussmash them both--with an extra side of kuussmash to your H. 

And kudos to you for getting to this point (being able to tell her "no") on your own. If it weren't for my H, I'd probably still be catering to my mother