Who wants to help me NOT kill my SIL?

[mactastic]

Sorry in advance - this will be long and ranty. 

So. My SIL and her boyfriend recently moved to the state where H and I live. She just graduated college (she's 25), and is currently searching for a job. Her boyfriend procured a job out here prior to moving, and we agreed to let them stay in the extra rooms off of our garage when they first moved out here so that they could have a little time to look for a place instead of just having to settle for anything available. We were up front in discussing the terms of rent before they moved in (first month free, second month on - pay us $100 a week, which adds up to a little less than half our rent,) and split the water and electricity bills 50/50.  No major issues there. The three things I need help with are:

1) SHE'S ALWAYS HERE. ALWAYS. In the morning, when I like to get up, read my book with a cup of coffee and my doggies, she's there. When I come home from a horrendous day of work and just want to plop on the couch, she's there. When I'm trying to take a shower, she's knocking on the door telling me she has to "take a dump." (Oh. Also. We have one bathroom shared between four people.) What makes it worse is that my H works a lot of evenings, as does her boyfriend, so most of the time, it's just the two of us. I try hard to make plans on certain evenings (TV night/happy hour with a friend. Working out in the evenings instead of the mornings. Knit night.) But this leads to me feeling resentful that I have to make an effort to not be in my home. Any recommendations?

2) I am a social worker. My H works 3/4 time in a whatever job while he finishes up school. We are by no means rolling in dough, but after three years of living together, we've established a budget (albiet VERY tight) that works for us. Her boyfriend makes at least as much as I do, and about two weeks ago, she was offered a temporary job that pays pretty decently (at least for a temp job.) They could EASILY find an affordable apartment on that amount of money, but she "refuses to settle" for any job that pays less than $20 an hour. I've underscored to her that Denver is a competitive market and that she might need to take something "less than" for awhile while looking for something that's a better fit. Continued refusal to "settle." How do I gently (or not-so-gently) hammer this point home?

3) My biggest issues is groceries. With H working 3-4 nights per week, I got used to planning a few meals a week for us, and doing small throw-away meals by myself on the nights he's not home. When they're here, I feel pressure to do meals with them (it's kind of awkward to make something for myself while they're sitting 10 feet away on the couch.) When they first got here, we sat down and did meal planning. We originally agreed to split the grocery bill in half. First week - great. Second week, I came home with a $135 grocery bill, and asked for their half, when they had it. She responded with, Well, BF and I spent $80 on groceries last week, so that was our part. (Also, this was, like, $40 of chips and ice cream that H and I got NOT ONE BITE OF.) I was pissed, but said, alright, then if you want to trade off weeks, we'll do it that way. So first week, great. Second week, I went, and spent $185 on our food, anticipating that if I spent this amt twice a month, I'd be right around our budget amount. The third week rolled around - nothing. I asked her multiple times to meal plan, offered to sit down with her and plan it out - nothing. I bought some small shit for myself for work, but refused to give in. Finally, after our milk curdled, she went and bought toilet paper, more ice cream and ONE NIGHT'S MEAL'S WORTH OF GROCERIES. Not even including a new milk. 

This doesn't count, right? She can't seriously be OK with me dropping that much, and then spending $40 and calling it even? I totally understand that money is tight for them. Seriously - it took me four months to find my job when I moved out here. I've been there. I get it. I baby-sat, I walked neighbor 's dogs, I applied for shit that was WAY "beneath" my master's degree to make sure that we had enough to pay the bills. But the claims of brokeness mean a lot less when you and your boyfriend go through 4 bottles of wine and 2 handles of liquor a week, easily. Or you come home with a bag from Target stuffed full of new clothes and shoes.  I'm growing seriously resentful, and have run out of ideas on how to deal with it. H has talked to her and made it clear that the expectation is that they'll be out by September 1st; however, I just don't see that happening. Can anyone give me recommendations on how to deal with this without burning bridges with (or murdering) someone who is family and will be a part of my life for the next many, many years? Thanks in advance, both for any advice, and for letting me get this out.   

[lime]

>> we agreed to let them stay in the extra rooms off of our garage when they first moved out here

I didn't read passed this sentence and I'm not sure I need to. Tell them to move out if you aren't happy.

[speckledfrog]

Just kill her.

[spitforspat]

That is long. I'm assuming it is a detailed story of how she opened your present before her bridal shower.

That bitch.

[mactastic]

Jul 22, 2013 22:16:37 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Why can't everyone just buy their own food?

Because they go ahead and eat our shit anyway.

[urbancowgirl]

Jul 22, 2013 22:15:38 GMT -5 spitforspat said:

That is long. I'm assuming it is a detailed story of how she opened your present before her bridal shower.

That bitch.

App like.

[Jalapeñomel]

Tell her that her time is up, and that she needs to move out.

[thedutchgirl]

Stop sharing your groceries. Tell them you want them out by the middle or end of August, as you need to get back to being a couple or whatever crazy reason you come up with (including the fact that what you are doing may violate your own lease?).

Yes, they seem to be taking advantage at this point.

[shostakovich]

"Sorry, SIL and SIL's boyfriend - this rooming situation is not working out for us, and we need you to find other accommodations ASAP. Here, let me pull up Craigslist for you..."

[RoxMonster]

Well my first piece of advice would be to tell them they have to leave. Give them a date that's fair enough for them to find another place, but quickly. Three weeks? A month? You know what your rental market is like there.

OR if you don't want to do that (or in the meantime while you're waiting for this date to come), I would just do everything separate. Everybody buys their own food. Do not cook meals for them; cook for you and H. Let them know it's not in your budget to buy food for four people, so they're on their own for food. Don't feel obligated to hang out with her when you are home. Keep your plans, your TV nights, your workouts, etc. You aren't hosting a house guest for a week. They're roommates and you don't have to do everything together.

ETA: I see your update that they eat your food. Then I would be inclined to go with option 1 (asking them to leave) and I would also let them know that eating your food isn't OK. Or could you have everyone contribute a certain amount to the food pot every week and get their money before going grocery shopping? So on Sunday, everyone contributes X amount of dollars and then everyone can share the food?

[speckledfrog]

You are going to have to stop being nice. Sit her down and say that this arrangement isn't working and that they either need to pay more in rent (it's easier than asking for food money) or move out by X date.

[pugz]

Dude living with family is a no no. just keep reiterating the sept 1st date, they gotta go. Hotel if they don't have an apt.

Do not feed them or share food. Every man for himself.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2013 22:13:46 GMT -5 lime said:

>> we agreed to let them stay in the extra rooms off of our garage when they first moved out here

I didn't read passed this sentence and I'm not sure I need to.

Yah.

You did this to yourself.

[rex]

Tell them they need to buy their own food and not to eat yours.

Give them a date to be out by.

You need to start saying no, and if they are a pain in the ass, tell them to get
out.

[nancybotwin]

I think you have to give them a final date for when they need to be out. She is obviously not in a hurry to leave - and why should she? She's not sacrificing or losing anything by staying. Maybe give them one more month?

I also agree with PP that you should just do "everyone buy their own good" ALA college -- so you can buy what you want and meal plan and she can deal. So what if it's awkward with you eating with them 10 feet away? They're obviously not willing to hold up their end of the deal so they don't get to share.

Where does your H stand on all this?

[pugz]

put a mini fridge in their room and a padlock on your own

[Deleted]

They need to move out, asap. But, as long as they're there, just be honest about all of this. Sit down, all 4 of you and talk all these things out.

And $20/hour? What does she do? I've lived in Denver all my working life and not made that much.

[10nille]

Give them a deadline to move out. If you cannot tell your sister it is not what you agreed to and it's not working then stop living with her.

[speckledfrog]

You could also go with the approach of wanting to still be on good terms with them but that this arrangement is not working out. You underestimated how much you valued your down time and you're sorry to do this to them but since you really care about them and want to have a strong relationship it would be better if they left ASAP. You don't have to mean any of this, you just need to get them the hell out.

[Deleted]

What's in it for me if I do?

[pugz]

Put on your assertive pants

Social worker rule #1: boundaries!!!!!

[lilybug]

1. I can't really fault her for this. You agreed to let them move in, you had to know that she'd be around a lot, since she's new to the town. Sharing a bathroom sucks, though. I've been there. Before I headed in to shower, I'd do a general announcement that if anyone needs to go, go now, because the bathroom would be locked for the next 20 minutes.

2. Edit, just saw that you do have a definite move-out date. You can move that up if you want.

3. I think communication is the problem here, too. Are you very comfortable talking to her? Because if my SIL walked in the door with Target goodies or liquor after stiffing me on groceries, I'd be in her face. Honestly, it sounds like she's not used to the planning/shopping/cooking routine. You may have to just agree to a weekly grocery budget and demand that they pay half, then you do the shopping yourself. Don't worry about cooking for them every night. When you make the list, ask for requests - meals that they can make themselves on nights that you're doing your own thing.

IDK, I feel for ya. I probably over-simplified things. But it really sounds like she just needs a fire lit under her ass and some major ground rules.

[mactastic]

Jul 22, 2013 22:23:17 GMT -5 pugz said:

Put on your assertive pants

Social worker rule #1: boundaries!!!!!

Ha ha, I know, I know. You all are right. Roommate rules for food, Sept 1 definite move out date, and big girl pants. Thanks, everyone. 

[verypunny]

Siblings were not meant to llive together in adulthood. This way passes the three day rule. You just have to make it to sept 1st then your done, make your h reiterate that.

You shouldn't have offered but lesson learned, your heart was in the right place.

They are paying rent and she isn't employed ( which you knew going into this) so you should not be surprised that she is there all the time.

In the mean time label your food and keep on keepin on.

[flamingeaux]

As far as the groceries, can you divide the approximate amount spent by both couples in half, and ask for that much when they pay their bills?