Tell me I'm right, or tell me to suck it up

[birdistheword]

I'm having a quasi-argument with my H and I'm not sure if I'm being ridiculous and dramatic, or if I am justified in being upset. 

I am on the planning committee for my 10-yr high school reunion, which is August 30th and 31st (family event the 30th, adult event on the 31st). This has been planned for months, and I expressed to my H that is was important to me that he attend with me. He agreed and all was good.  

H has an annual guys trip he goes on each year. He and about 15 other guys meet up at one friend's house in in Iowa to hang out for the weekend and do a live fantasy football draft. This is usually sometime around Labor Day weekend.  Tonight he casually informs me that the trip has been planned for August 30th-September 1st.  I reminded him that it was the weekend of my reunion. His response was that I would just have to go by myself because there is no way he is missing his trip. He says it will mess up the whole draft if he is not there, he made a commitment to his friends, etc. 

I am upset. I know he looks forward to this trip. I know reunions are lame, but since I'm planning it I kind of have to be there and wanted him there with me. He knew the dates of the reunion and never mentioned a potential conflict. My argument is that this trip happens every year, and my reunion only happens once.  He already promised me he would be there. 

There is no good solution. He will be pissed and resentful if he misses his trip. I will be upset if he skips out on me. My gut is telling me I have to just let it go, but I don't know how to not be pissed about it. Ugh.

If I am being stupid, please be nice. Lol.

[melindafelinda]

I would be upset if it was important to me and he was unwilling to compromise. So Team You.

[speckledfrog]

I would be pissed as hell. I think you should both do your own thing, but I'd be really irritated.

[sugarbear]

I'd let it go. High school reunions are lame.
eta: I get that he committed to you first, so I don't blame you a bit for being upset. Can he go to guys' weekend one day late?

[sawyerthedestroyer]

He committed to you first. He should go with you.

[Deleted]

If he is like my H, if he goes to your event and really doesn't want to, he would just be a raging asshole the whole time anyway. Although, I do think he SHOULD go to your event, since he promised already, and suck it up.

[WOT?*]

Team You. He can do his draft over Skype or cell during NON-event times. The reunion takes priority. It's a once every ten years event and you are a coordinator. He should be there to support you, just as you've supported his going on these trips for the past nine years.

[sherbanator]

Team you.

[Deleted]

I suppose he should honor his original commitment to your event.

But.

What the fuck is he going to do at your reunion? I'm assuming it's just your reunion, not his, right? He doesn't know those people. He will be bored as fuck. Who cares?

[flex]

I agree class reunions are lame, BUT....she's one of the planners AND it's super boring if you don't go with a spouse or SO. I think it's douchey that he made other plans.

BUT...missing the fantasy football draft can screw up the entire football season if you don't participate in the draft.

I'm really torn on this: I'd say let him go to this event, but he OWES you...big time. Big, big time.

[snipsnsnails]

He is not going to have fun at your reunion. I'd ease up and let him go. You can enjoy the event w/o him.

[Deleted]

Jul 22, 2013 23:11:27 GMT -5 flex said:

I agree class reunions are lame, BUT....she's one of the planners AND it's super boring if you don't go with a spouse or SO. I think it's douchey that he made other plans.

BUT...missing the fantasy football draft can screw up the entire football season if you don't participate in the draft.

I'm really torn on this: I'd say let him go to this event, but he OWES you...big time. Big, big time.

I vehemently disagree with the italicized text.

Your mate has zero history with the people you're there to see.

You would have a better time being free to reminisce with old classmates without having to keep introducing and/or explaining things to your mate.

Well, I would anyway.

[birdistheword]

Jul 22, 2013 23:10:06 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

I suppose he should honor his original commitment to your event.

But.

What the fuck is he going to do at your reunion? I'm assuming it's just your reunion, not his, right? He doesn't know those people. He will be bored as fuck. Who cares?

No - not his reunion. He does know some of my friends from high school. One of his best friends (not in the guys trip group) is married to my best friend. But you are probably right. It will still be boring for him. 

[melindafelinda]

I go to boring shit for my husband a lot. It's not about that. I think you will likely end up wanting to let it go but I also think its bullshit that he thinks its just ok to bail when he committed to something important to you.

[gozf]

Jul 22, 2013 23:16:07 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Jul 22, 2013 23:11:27 GMT -5 flex said:

I agree class reunions are lame, BUT....she's one of the planners AND it's super boring if you don't go with a spouse or SO. I think it's douchey that he made other plans.

BUT...missing the fantasy football draft can screw up the entire football season if you don't participate in the draft.

I'm really torn on this: I'd say let him go to this event, but he OWES you...big time. Big, big time.

I vehemently disagree with the italicized text.

Your mate has zero history with the people you're there to see.

You would have a better time being free to reminisce with old classmates without having to keep introducing and/or explaining things to your mate.

Well, I would anyway.

I brought my then-spouse to my 10th reunion, and we are now divorced. Learn from my mistakes.

Seriously, though, I'm with @misoangry. Unless he went to your high school, he will be bored as hell. Most people didn't bring a spouse to mine for that exact reason. I'd let this one go.

[Deleted]

You let him go and he buys you a spa weekend for post reunion relaxing. Without him. Oh, and you get a get out of stupid guy event free card.

Done deal.

[amberlyrose]

I would be sofuckingpissed if my DH pulled this crap. It's not about him being bored at your reunion, it is about him supporting you and honoring the commitment he made beforehand. Plus, you probably put in a lot of work into this and it'd be nice if your spouse was there to see what you did.
If he doesn't go with you, he better have a nice set of diamond earrings when he comes back.

[trafficgirl]

I am pissed off for you, and the way his attitude comes off is what's pissing me off the most.

Yes, HS reunions suck if they're not yours (and sometimes if they are), but this was already in the books. If he was remorseful about things being on the same weekend and how he's between a rock and a hard place, I'd feel less angry for him. But it sounds like he's saying "tough titties", which enrages me.

Ultimately, I agree w/ PPs that the options are:
A) he comes to the reunion and is an asshole
B) he goes on the guys trip and you are sad

For me the lesser of two evils is B, but there would be some serious discussion about this whole situation afterward (and probably beforehand too).

[flex]

Jul 22, 2013 23:16:07 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Jul 22, 2013 23:11:27 GMT -5 flex said:

I agree class reunions are lame, BUT....she's one of the planners AND it's super boring if you don't go with a spouse or SO. I think it's douchey that he made other plans.

BUT...missing the fantasy football draft can screw up the entire football season if you don't participate in the draft.

I'm really torn on this: I'd say let him go to this event, but he OWES you...big time. Big, big time.

I vehemently disagree with the italicized text.

Your mate has zero history with the people you're there to see.

You would have a better time being free to reminisce with old classmates without having to keep introducing and/or explaining things to your mate.

Well, I would anyway.

You're right.  I was wrong in regards to the bolded statement.  HIGH SCHOOL CLASS REUNIONS ARE SUPER BORING EVEN WITH YOUR SPOUSE/SO TAGGING ALONG!!

I didn't go to my 10th, but I went to my 20th (alone) and to my 30th (with DH).  I was bored to tears at both of them!!

[birdistheword]

Jul 22, 2013 23:17:32 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

You're not being stupid. Your dh made a promise to you, about something that matters to you, and then he reneged, without remorse, with no thought to your feelings on the matter. And no, you cannot make him go to your reunion.

Is he even sorry? Because his behavior here would matter to me, how he was handling this; not the trip itself. He "casually" mentions he's committed to this weekend, and when you say but that's the reunion did he say he was sorry? IS he sorry? He's all about keeping his promise to his friends, omg that's sacrosanct, but what about the promise he made to you? That one is pretty easy to throw aside because hell, he didn't want to go to your reunion anyway.

This is one of those things that I would not forget. You cannot MAKE him keep his promise to you; and you shouldn't have to make him, he should do it because he loves and respects you and values your good opinion. That's not happening here. If you do press, he'll be an asshole. Which is saying a LOT to me. "I only have to keep my promises to you if something better does not come up, and then if you remind me of my promise and keep my feet to the fire and make me miss what I really want to do I'l be a real jerk" is NOT a good man.

Dealbreaker? I don't know. On average, how big of an asshole is he most of the time? Because this is pretty fucking assholey. You are not wrong to be very angry, and he's entirely in the wrong in breaking his promise to you AND being an asshole about it. Does he do this kind of thing often?

He is not generally an asshole and pretty much bends over backwards to make me happy most of the time. He is sorry. He is upset that I am upset. He says he won't be able to have a good time on his trip knowing he has upset me (I'm going for a record on using the word "upset"). I told him I couldn't just magically be OK with it.  Hence the impasse.  

I understand where he is coming from. He sees these guys once a year. He really looks forward to it. Ugh.

ETA: The response I posted from him in the OP was his initial gut reaction, after which he did express that he feels bad, but he still wants to go on the trip.

[pantsparty]

I think you wouldn't have made this post if he had apologized and promised to make it up to you in a big way.

[Deleted]

Your reunion will happen again in ten years.  You could enjoy it just as much as if he was there.  

I don't know.  My reunion felt like a big deal at the time, but in retrospect it was a very tiny deal.  And next year will be my twentieth, if I choose to go.  

I say go, do your duties, chat up old classmates, etc. 

Yes, it is shitty that he is bailing and you have every right to be pissed and to bring it up in the future, lol.  I would let him go on his trip.  Imagine how pissy and unpleasant he'll be dragged along to your reunion and all he'll be thinking about will be his missed trip.  You both have separate desires and need to do your own things in this case. 

This is just my opinion on the matter.  Feel free to disregard it.  

[trafficgirl]

Your second update makes him sound like a decent, non-jerky human being, and makes me less angry for you.

If he is genuinely remorseful, then I think you have to let this go. It's okay to feel disappointed, and to tell him that, and to have discussion around this whole situation. And as long as he understand he's in the wrong and is willing to make it up to you some other way.

[montereybride]

It sucks that he even put you in this position by not being up front with his buddies and telling them "Sorry guys, can't make it that weekend, already have a commitment. What other weekend is going to work for everyone?"

But that didn't happen.

So. Everything Sue said. Plus, he owes you big. Big. HUGE. But, once you figure out how he's going to make it up to you, you have to make the best of it and let it go and move forward.

[anlo]

I have never been to any of my reunions because I know I'd hate it. I get that he would likely be bored to tears, but the point is he committed to going. He should have said something when the plans were being made with his friends. That is what would piss me off.

And now, he's upset that you're upset, and claims that he won't be able to enjoy his trip? Boo-fucking-hoo, man. He's trying to get you to be okay with him being an jerk. I would be extra pissed at this because it seems like manipulation to me.

I get that there's really nothing that can be done about it now, though. He might as well go with his friends so you can try to enjoy yourself without a bitchy H in tow.

ETA: I see I was slow on the response and Sue and Nicbreeful had it covered.

[Deleted]

This just seems like a lot of unnecessary strife to me. LOL.

[birdistheword]

Jul 22, 2013 23:37:22 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

He sounds like he was hoping you'd cut him some slack on the trip and say OH WELL, GO AHEAD AND GO and he could go with a clear conscience, and omg! you're upset, so now what can he doooo?? all upset toooooo, at how upset yoooooooooo are, So you'll let him off the hook. He's going, regardless of whether you're upset or not, w/his worse case scenario being that he'll have a few twinges of guilt about not keeping his promise while he's having a grand time at his annual gathering.

I don't ask my dh for much. If he'd promised, I'd be really pissed if he did this. In your case? I'd say "well, your mind is made up. I'm not interested in discussing it any more" and I would not discuss it anymore. I would not be made to pretend it didn't hurt my feelings, and I would not be made to make him feel better about it, and I'd leave it to him to figure out how to make it up to you. I'm sure I'd get over it, but it would be MY feelings that would take precedence in the situation, not his, and I'd expect him not to come whining to me about how bad he feels over how much he hurt my feelings. And I would remember it.

Yes - he totally wants me to cut him some slack to assuage his own guilt. 

I don't want to paint him as a huge douche, because he's not. He's pretty fantastic, generally speaking.  Which is why I am feeling bad about being mad about this - he puts me first 99% of the time.  He's a great guy who does something douchey once in a blue moon. This is one of those times. 

[Deleted]

I would let it go. You say he is a great guy who usually puts you first. Remember that when you get frustrated. 

I do wish he would have told the guys he had plans that weekend so they could have moved it, but that might not have been possible. 

Just try and think about your reunion as some fun solo time with old friends. Being mad and passive aggressive isn't going to get either of you anywhere. 

[lime]

Eh. I thought HS sucked and the 10 year reunion was lame and people had ruined their lives in unspeakable ways, so I'm a bit biased. And my FI at the time was terribly bored.

Let him make it up to you and enjoy each of your respective weekends without guilt.

[snipsnsnails]

I fele you, @misoangry - I can't decide if I'm just lazy about this stuff or legit mellow. Ha!