Guilt trip & begging

[bookworm]

I know not many people are around, but ugh I just needed to vent.

Now I'm the one who has broken the vows and am giving up on the marriage since I won't put up with verbal abuse anymore. He is sending me wedding pictures and songs on you tube that mean something to us. I'm trying to ignore it, but of course it's still upsetting, sad and making me second guess myself.

Who else went through the begging phase? I hope it ends soon!

[letyourselfgo]

I did it to my Ex-Fiance. It went on for about six months.

I hope that it ends soon for you too.

[mandimija]

I had that. It lasted until I filed for divorce, then continued off and on until he started dating his now ex-gf. He called me exactly 60 days (I filed in Texas) after filing, when we were officially eligible for a court date crying and telling me he loved me. I damn near threw my phone at the wall.

It will end, I promise. And of course it's upsetting. However, this is part of the cycle of abuse: the crying, promising to change, etc. Of course, this will happen when people are sincerely sorry, realize the error of their ways, and really do want to change. The trick is that those who aren't abusers don't use guilt and manipulation, which your stbx does all.the.time. Huge difference.

[lookingup]

Yeah, my H said stuff like that too. "How can you just give up? People make it through harder things than this all the time!" He didn't like it when I told him that marriage isn't supposed to be hard because one spouse makes it that way for the other.

ETA: And I'm pretty sure that somewhere in your vows it said something about loving and cherishing you, but he broke that one long ago.

[dakotadangerdog]

Block his number,block his emails, do not respond to anything. He will give up.

[BookLover]

I just have to say, you didn't break your vows. Your H did when he started abusing, don't feel bad about that. It wasn't you.

The guilt trip and begging is all part of the cycle. He is trying to lure you back in. My exh did that a lot. He still tries to from time to time even though the divorce has been final for almost two years now. He's looking for a foot hold. After awhile when that doesn't work, he might move on to name calling and being pissed off with you.

I've changed my number and I have special file in email that I put all his messages.

[purplinsky]

My XH did this too when I first got the OOP against him (he was every kind of abusive to me and verbally/starting to become physically abusive to our, at the time, 4 month old DD). He finally stopped trying to guilt me and win me back when he found out I had filed. At that point he just started threatening to kill me and ruin me financially in the divorce.

What he's doing is just part of the cycle of abuse. Please be careful because things can get worse when he realizes you've taken your power back. Also, as pp said, you're not breaking your vows...he already did that when he started abusing you. Good luck!

[mandimija]

As a then-practicing Catholic (I don't, since my divorce), I had major guilt issues over ending my marriage. Through a friend from work whom I still owe a huge debt of gratitude, I found my current therapist, who is an ordained minister.

In the first session, he sat me down and reminded me that I did not break my marriage. My husband did. All I did was make this break legal in order to protect myself, and to remain in the marriage would be both harmful and dishonest. Though I still have to remind myself of this sometimes (thanks, Catholic guilt issues), this proverbial smack upside the head helped immensely.

[phoenixrising]

My H went through all the lovely stages. The first was deflecting blame on to me (he had an affair, but he wanted me to know all the things I did wrong in our marriage), and although I knew that it was not my fault our marriage was ending, it was still hard to hear. Then he begged me not to (A) put down a deposit, (B) sign a lease, and (C) actually move out. And then the day before I moved out, he asked if there was any way we could go into counseling together because he was convinced we could still make it if we tried. I did not waver in my desire to leave, but he knew exactly what to say to make me feel bad, and it worked! I felt awful! I still feel awful much of the time, but I have the benefit of distance now, and it has served me well.

[iheartrice]

My exH went through all the stages too: denial, guilt trip/begging, anger, acceptance. Stay strong! It will pass!

[theycallmeliz]

Ugh, this still happens to me from time to time and its just ackward at this point. Especially since Ive mentally moved on so long ago and he's still hung on the past. Im sorry you have to experience that and I hope it ends soon.

[missbetty1]

Uugh I can totally relate. After one of our breakups before this last time of me finally calling it quits...My ex would text me constantly throughout the day and he would call too. I just ignored them ALL. And then he started emailing me...this went on for weeks and it seemed like it he was never going to stop...after he started emailing I finally responded and told him to stop and that I got all his messages. It was so frustrating, my family told me to change my phone number but I've had my number for over a decade I didn't want to change my number...honestly it really never stopped until I got back with him and oh boy what a mistake that was...but after this last breakup where I called off the wedding he has tried to contact me but it hasn't been as crazy as it was in the past...Thank God!

[bookworm]

So he got so desperate that he texted my mom and told her that I told him I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore. My mom had no clue this was going on. So she called me and we talked a little, so in a way that makes it easier for me. My parents recently divorced so I know she knows what I'm going through.

I just have to keep reminding myself that he won't change. And even if he would change, I already gave enough chances that it's a little too late now.

It's nice to know I'm not alone in this hearing everyone else's experience.

[usedtobebear]

I'm sorry, I have gone through this many times with my DH, I think the best thing you can do is try not to listen. Everyone keeps telling me to block him but we still need to be in touch over our selling our house and our dogs. But, once I feel ready I'm getting a new phone number for sure. I'm sorry he's trying to make you feel guilty, my DH is a pro at this. He's saying I left him when he needed me most.. it's hard to hear for sure, but only you know what is true and what isn't.

[bookworm]

Jun 18, 2012 10:06:12 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

I'm sorry, I have gone through this many times with my DH, I think the best thing you can do is try not to listen. Everyone keeps telling me to block him but we still need to be in touch over our selling our house and our dogs. But, once I feel ready I'm getting a new phone number for sure. I'm sorry he's trying to make you feel guilty, my DH is a pro at this. He's saying I left him when he needed me most.. it's hard to hear for sure, but only you know what is true and what isn't.

Yes mine is saying the same thing. For a variety of logistical reasons I can't completely cut him out of my life, so I'm dealing with the same thing of him saying he needs me so badly now. Then, when I don't respond he says I'm cruel and ignoring him. I did call him back before and he cussed and hung up. I realize there is no way to be rational with him at this point.

[achase123]

Ugh, that's just manipulation garbage.

I've gotten that over and over again. It's classic with these guys. No matter what THEY do we're supposed to put up with it, and if we finally say "uncle" then WE'RE at fault? I don't think so.

Block and ignore.