I hear you on the CIO. It wasn't for us either. It was so hard when she would cry in our arms for hours; I'd cry along with her. I think what finally helped Olivia turn the corner was night weaning. She was only nursing MOTN and first thing in the morning. We started with 12:00, anything before H handled, then after a few days pushed it to 1:00, then 2:00 and so on. We agreed no matter what she didn't nurse before then. Luckily during this time H was home and able to do all night wake ups. It took months because we moved slow but now that she isn't nursing she's sleeping. Maybe it's not related but cutting out the night feedings helped so much. However, it sounds like you have more than that going on. Keep us posted, you're doing so great, and I have no doubt that you will find something that works for all of you!
I think trying the toddler bed is worth a shot, especially if she has a bad association with the crib.
I give you all the credit in the world for dealing with this and being pregnant. I seriously don't know how you do it but I admire you so much for getting through it with such grace. I'd be a raging bioooootch with that little sleep!
Emerson Kate, born 38w5d on 4/6/12 at 6:02 p.m., 5 lbs 13 oz and 18 3/4 inches. Lucas Matthew, born 39w5d on 4/11/14 at 8:20 a.m., 7 lbs 4 oz and 20 inches.
It doesn't sound like cry it out works for your family. Way too stressful.
One suggestions. It sounds like her room/bed makes her anxious and scared. As you said the repeated ear infections might make her scared that if she is on there might hurt.
I would try getting her more used to her room. Play in there, let her play in her bed, bring toys in there and have her play in short intervals. Work on being in her room longer. Spend the night in her room with her and work on slowly working your way out as she gets more comfortable.