How many of you are..

[bigmamma]

Are a 100% do nothing else at ALL - Housewife?

I am talking about not in college/taking classes in something, not working from home, don't have a job and not looking, no kids, not pregnant, not trying -----> HOUSE WIFE.

Here is my totally judgmental statement.

If I am able bodied and intelligent enough to perform a task which would bring income to my household (remember no kids in the equation) even only part time... you bet your ass I'd be doing SOMETHING other than keeping the house tidy and making random recipes off pinterest.

I do NOT understand this lifestyle.

Please avoid the SAHM vs WorkMom vs Kids are stupid I'm not having them ever...

I just can't understand the DESIRE to sit at home and do NOTHING. I mean really... how messy can a home be that has 2 adults living in it (excluding hoarders)?

[MrsAggie]

Personally, I would go crazy. I've been home because my job starts in July so as to give all of the new grads time to pass their nursing boards. I'm very type A and need a routine and a reason to leave the house. I love my dogs but THANK GOODNESS I'm starting my job soon!

[basilosaurus]

Sometimes it's not lack of desire so much as lack of work. What do you do in a small town in rural japan or korea? Work 1 day a week teaching english? Bag groceries for tips? A what point do you stop being a judgy heiffer and accept that the life that's not for you maybe someone else making the best of a less than ideal situation.

[bigmamma]

Jun 17, 2012 20:19:39 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Sometimes it's not lack of desire so much as lack of work. What do you do in a small town in rural japan or korea? Work 1 day a week teaching english? Bag groceries for tips? A what point do you stop being a judgy heiffer and accept that the life that's not for you maybe someone else making the best of a less than ideal situation.

Again - I said NO JOB - NOT LOOKING - NO DESIRE. This specific situation is in a large city in the US. Lots on menial tasks to be performed for pennies on the dollar.

At what point do you stop being a pathetic leech and become a productive member of society/household. How's that for judgy? I'll go grab some bon-bons so I can work on the heifer.

Yep - I totally side-eye the House Wife crowd. My neighbor is one speaking of that... where the fuck did I put that cross I meant to nail her up there tomorrow.

[ilovelamp]

I didn't work for about a year after I left the Navy and DH was still AD. I couldn't go to school (out of state tuition), and couldn't find a job because I broke my leg and was on crutches for months. It was nice to be able to relax for a while because we could afford it, but I got bored super quick. Grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, TV, it was the same thing every day. It felt like I was basically just trying to find things to fill my day until DH got home, and I didn't like that feeling.

[letsbeawkward]

I did it my entire pregnancy.

I don't judge it as long as the wife isn't all "I refuse to work so you better support me."
If her and her husband have agreed on this arrangement or if like Sibil said, they can't find appropriate work, why do you care?

I understand it not being for you. I have always worked and it was a big adjustment to stop but no job does not equal lazy ass.

[housegeek]

I'm in the "why do you care" boat.

[amaristella]

I would just get bored. As it is I get bored after a week of living like that. I'm not sure how I'd feel after even longer than a week.

[brandienee]

I don't know how people do it, because I am about to pull my hair out waiting for this next class. I really should look for a job/internship whatever. However, my house is sparkling because of all the new free time.

I did try for about 2 months to be an exclusive SAHW, but it is lonely and boring. I don't side eye... If that's what they want to do, more power to them, just like more power to the woman who goes out there and makes her own way in the world. I am an equal opportunity feminist, I guess. I don't see a problem if the bills are paid and they don't have to live on scraps.

[dancingpanda]

I guess during the summers I become a SAHW. I teach dance during the school year, we don't have classes in the summer. So I don't work. I stay busy, find things to do, volunteer, do projects around the house. Last year, I redid our flower beds and laid sod.

But wait, I just realized I don't fit into your SAHW because I'm pregnant. Whatever, I'm still a SAHW until the fall and when the baby comes.

I also think you care because you are all in your sister's business and but hurt she isn't coming to a housewarming party.

[ilovelamp]

Brandienee, your sig is so cute!

[letsbeawkward]

I also don't agree that not having a job makes someone a "pathetic leech." There are other ways to contribute to a family/household other than financially.

I am curious, how do you feel about moms who stay home while their kids are in school?

[brandienee]

Jun 17, 2012 21:13:37 GMT -5 dancingpanda said:

I also think you care because you are all in your sister's business and but hurt she isn't coming to a housewarming party.

:Y:
Agreed.

[audette]

Jun 17, 2012 20:19:39 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Sometimes it's not lack of desire so much as lack of work. What do you do in a small town in rural japan or korea? Work 1 day a week teaching english? Bag groceries for tips? A what point do you stop being a judgy heiffer and accept that the life that's not for you maybe someone else making the best of a less than ideal situation.

This. Some folks move frequently enough that continuing a job just isn't worth it, either. We spent 7 months at DH's last duty station. There's a chance we will only be here for 15-ish months. Then the next would be maybe 2 years.

I have a professional degree. No one will touch me if I try for a basic service job because I am overqualified. No one will touch me if they want someone with my education and experience, because we move too often for me to be useful to them before we move again.

It sucks, but this is the situation I find myself in.


Thankfully, I have a job right now, because my employer was willing to work with me when I married DH and his career started moving us all over. But, my job requires a goodly chunk of travel, so someday, when we have kids, or when we move somewhere that I can't bring this job (ie: overseas - that would complicate matters for my employer, and will likely make it impossible to keep me on), I'll be unemployed, and basically, unemployable.

Fun.

Not every military spouse _chooses_ to SAH. Many do so because they can't find work between one move to the next. The ones I know who are SAHW tend to take care of everything outside of their spouse's job (ie: they take care of the house, the bills, errands, etc, sparing up the servicemember's time outside of work), and they tend to volunteer time and energy to various places.

[krista]

I did it for a little while and it was awesome. I was also a SAHM mom for a couple years and I put my son in full time daycare. That was awesome as well. Judge away.

[fuddyduddy]

It seems like you are masking envy with anger. Why else would you be so worked up about this?

Other women choosing not to work is actually beneficial to you and others who want to work. Many people are struggling to find work in this economic climate, so the unemployed-by-choice are reducing the competition.

[WOT?*]

I guess I'm a pathetic leech (not leach, btw. leech. As in a bloodsucking worm, not drainage via percolation.)

But I've worked most of my life (since I was 10 so 30+ years of my life has been doing "paid labor"), I am blessed with a husband who makes good money and who permitted (for lack of a better word) me to take three years off when we first moved to this state so I could spend time with the child (my granddaughter) we were raising, I was recently let go from a job with a major corporation that was pretty miserable for 2.5 years due to outside interference (two children placed with me by CPS / a husband on crutches / working at 125% capacity and only 75% hours available) and a miserably micromanaging boss who pushed four attorneys with almost 40 years of legal experience out the door in the past six months (in addition to the one who retired after a nervous break within the first year of her management and a thirteen-year paralagel who quit after six months so you know it wasn't my imagination telling me she was problematic...) and just got back from ten days out-of-state to place my father in an Alzheimer's care facility whereas if I hadn't been "not working" I wouldn't have necessarily had the leeway to stay as long as I had. So yeah, I'm going to enjoy this time to recuperate and maybe instead of going back to work I can volunteer and do "bloodsucking leech" things like become a Guardian ad litem for children in the foster care system, volunteer, donate time and effort rather than money...

I am able-bodied, I think I'm rather intelligent. And I'm currently not working.

Signed,
Feeling a bit defensive of my current life choice, but in that vein...Color me a leech.

[verycontrary247]

The first 6 months we were married I was a SAHW and it was glorious while it lasted. Made dinner every night, got really good at WoW, my house was consistently clean. If I didn't like eating out and shopping so much I'd probably still do that.

[crimewatcher]

Jun 17, 2012 20:35:30 GMT -5 bigmamma said:

Jun 17, 2012 20:19:39 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

Sometimes it's not lack of desire so much as lack of work. What do you do in a small town in rural japan or korea? Work 1 day a week teaching english? Bag groceries for tips? A what point do you stop being a judgy heiffer and accept that the life that's not for you maybe someone else making the best of a less than ideal situation.

Again - I said NO JOB - NOT LOOKING - NO DESIRE. This specific situation is in a large city in the US. Lots on menial tasks to be performed for pennies on the dollar.

At what point do you stop being a pathetic leech and become a productive member of society/household. How's that for judgy? I'll go grab some bon-bons so I can work on the heifer.

Yep - I totally side-eye the House Wife crowd. My neighbor is one speaking of that... where the fuck did I put that cross I meant to nail her up there tomorrow.

::: Kicks the stool Bigmamma is standing on:::

You done?


I highly doubt you know your neighbors entire schedule.

and I am not going to waste my time sharing my story.

[G22]

Jun 18, 2012 18:28:42 GMT -5 crimewatcher said:

Jun 17, 2012 20:35:30 GMT -5 bigmamma said:

Again - I said NO JOB - NOT LOOKING - NO DESIRE. This specific situation is in a large city in the US. Lots on menial tasks to be performed for pennies on the dollar.

At what point do you stop being a pathetic leech and become a productive member of society/household. How's that for judgy? I'll go grab some bon-bons so I can work on the heifer.

Yep - I totally side-eye the House Wife crowd. My neighbor is one speaking of that... where the fuck did I put that cross I meant to nail her up there tomorrow.

::: Kicks the stool Bigmamma is standing on:::

You done?


I highly doubt you know your neighbors entire schedule.

and I am not going to waste my time sharing my story.

:Y: That's kind of my sentiment as well CW

[basilosaurus]

Leach [sic]? Yeah, I'm not going to bother arguing. You've obviously made up your mind, even if it makes you look like a douche, so there's really not much point in further debating.

[midnightmare81]

I guess I'm worth judging too. I just lost my job to someone permanent since I will be moving to be with hubby whose stationed overseas after deployment. I am looking everywhere but there is VERY LITTLE, noone will even consider me for such a short time. I currently live with his grandmother, and help her out as much as possible. I do not pay full rent but I do pay some household expenses beyond my own personal needs. Finding a job when you plan to move is so difficult, and I am to honest to leave out my moving situation. All our bills are paid and we still save every month. I hate being a SAHW, but its my only option at this point.

[ESquared423]

We have no kids (other than the fuzzy nugget you see on the left) and I finished grad school a month ago. I currently work, but plan on leaving my job in December/January to just relax for the last few months of our time left in Hawaii. I can't wait, and sometimes (or, maybe all the time) I envy SAHW. I know it sounds a little selfish, but we can afford to live off of H's income and I really could give a fuck how it looks to some people.

So

[bigmamma]

Jun 17, 2012 21:24:16 GMT -5 letsbeawkward said:

I also don't agree that not having a job makes someone a "pathetic leech." There are other ways to contribute to a family/household other than financially.

I am curious, how do you feel about moms who stay home while their kids are in school?

I am a WAHM with three kids... I understand people staying home/ being home when the kids are in/out of school. Parental supervision is important. I don't really see anything wrong with it. If I didn't WAH, I'd probably go get a part time gig when the kids were at school (if I could find one).

You're probably right though I had a neighbor who stayed at home even when her kids were off to college... I'd just be bored out of my mind - why not do something. Maybe I am just greedy or financially paranoid.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around the DESIRE to be a Stay at Home WIFE - who does nothing else, wants to do nothing else, isn't impeded in any way from doing something else.

It's not that I "care" so much as I am curious. I don't get it - so if there is someone out there who LOVES being a SAHW I'd love to hear their side.

There was a news story a couple years ago about a "vintage house wife" and I just couldn't get my head around it. Obviously the author wasn't available for Q&A... so far NONE of the respondents are SAHW..... do we have any?

[bigmamma]

Jun 18, 2012 23:43:49 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Unless a SAHW is knocking at your door asking to pay your bills, I don't get why you care about it so much.

How does this impact you in any way? If the couple is on the same page, and can financially manage it, who cares?

I miss being a SAHW. We were able to pack up and travel on a whim, which was my favorite part of it. I could volunteer my time, I could cook dinner every night... the list could go on.

I like having some extra income, but I wouldn't hesitate to go back to SAHW status and H wouldn't care.

There are much more judge-worthy things out there and wasting energy on something like this is ridiculous.

Okay I get this - travel, volunteer, cooking dinner. Got it.

BTW - totally joking about nailing the neighbor to the cross. I think someone took that seriously.

I think it really does stem from a financial thing for me. Not really an "I can run away" but a why not save up for a rainy day when you can? I wouldn't expect someone to have a drop dead - 110% of your life committed to your career - type existence... but something that is your OWN?

Maybe its a definition of self question. I am not comfortable defining myself by homemaking alone - but - you're right someone else might be perfectly gleeful performing those duties, having it be their life's work and considering their happy marriage their greatest investment (no judgement there - really no sarcasm either).

No need to kick the stool on the soap-box people. I like discussion/debate and my brain is not made of concrete. I enjoy absorbing new points of view, digesting them and coming to new conclusions. Please put down the wooden stakes and stop burning the crosses on my cyber-lawn.

[bigmamma]

Jun 17, 2012 21:13:37 GMT -5 dancingpanda said:

I guess during the summers I become a SAHW. I teach dance during the school year, we don't have classes in the summer. So I don't work. I stay busy, find things to do, volunteer, do projects around the house. Last year, I redid our flower beds and laid sod.

But wait, I just realized I don't fit into your SAHW because I'm pregnant. Whatever, I'm still a SAHW until the fall and when the baby comes.

I also think you care because you are all in your sister's business and but hurt she isn't coming to a housewarming party.

Nope, my sister is a Nanny and writes curriculum not a SAHW. Sorry to burst your theory.

[bigmamma]

The "pathetic leech" post was sarcastic in nature. My neighbor isn't even a housewife she has a daughter, teaches 4th grade and volunteers, the other neighbor is a single mom in the Navy - that entire post was intended to be facetious in nature.

many of these posts became defensive about temporary breaks in your "normal" - working, volunteering, raising kids - your own, your grand kids, other peoples kids. Being let go from a job, in between duty stations, not finding work...

Another said my posts seemed "angy" and filled with "envy"... I am not envious, I work from home. I have the joy of cooking, cleaning, chasing little hellians - I get that aspect, but I also volunteer, run a business and take classes. I want to have options should something happen to B. I want to know that I could provide for my children beyond what SGLI would afford. If we didn't work out I'd want to know I can make a living, I have a current and relevant resume. I would never want to view my husband as a paycheck - although he is the breadwinner.

I am... a little... angry. I'll give you that.

The back story is simple. My StepDad's X was a housewife, she raised their boys and never had to raise a hand. She had a house-keeper and kept busy with a "social schedule" (bridge, bingo and dinner parties - no joke). When my Step Dad nearly dropped dead 20 years ago his Dr said he had to move south or he wouldn't make it 5 more years. She refused to move with him. When he moved (under medical orders) she filed for "divorce/ abandonment" - he didn't get a lawyer and signed everything they put in-front of him (yes, his error I know), she gets half of his pensions (2 - NYFD/Master Electrician) and a payment each month from the SSA. His parents recently died (15 years after their divorce) she sued him for half of his inheritance. P settled out of court for $25K - she then sued him again for $50K of his estate upon his death.

When the judge asked her "Why haven't you sought employment" she said " Why, P is my paycheck? Why should I have to work?" The judge also asked "have you ever considered remarrying" she said "No, then I'd forfeit my pay."

All of this came to light during the recent lawsuits; The above mentioned info was in the divorce proceedings/ depositions from family/friends and children. Needless to say - this put a very bad taste in my mouth for the "Housewife" set.

I was hoping there would be a true housewife on here who had a better explanation than A's reasons for not working. I was looking for a silver lining...

[WOT?*]

There are those who prefer to SAH and support their households in non-income-producing ways. There are those whose husbands have careers that in some way negatively affect their opportunities (the "trailing spouse" effect) and so it makes more sense to *not* work. There are those who actually affect the husband's career with their "non-working" efforts and volunteerism, such as making connections in groups that can lead to connections for their husband's careers (I've done this with my Mom's Club in the past, for example, when I was a SAHGP.)

One woman does not an example make of an entire segment. Because she is a bloodsucking leech does not mean that all SAHWs are the same.

[sookie]

Jun 22, 2012 0:19:39 GMT -5 bigmamma said:

I would never want to view my husband as a paycheck - although he is the breadwinner.

That attitude is part of the problem people had with your post. Just because someone is a SAHW/M/H/whatever doesn't mean they view their SO as a paycheck. I have a good friend who is a SAHW and while I think it's nuts that she can tolerate it, because I couldn't handle not having a regular ol' 9-5 on a normal day, she spends her time volunteering with organizations and helping young wives in their squadron by watching their children free of charge if they need it every so often. She keeps their house cleaner than mine has ever been and has dinner ready every day when he gets home. She doesn't shop outside of what budget was set between the two of them, and he likes that she doesn't work and is able to be home because he can support her financially.

Her resume includes a rather expensive education that she received through grants and scholarships and tons of very impressive volunteer experience. She serves on a board in their city for military families. Yes, she's a SAHW and doesn't "work", but she also doesn't see her H as a paycheck, just as I don't see S as a paycheck right now because I'm not working.

[bigmamma]

Thanks for the latest responses. I understand PP initial reactions to my questions, I should have explained the back story.

The people you've referenced as SAHW - are more involved in their community than this woman ever was. I've spoken with her sister, her sons... and people from their circle of friends. He was a firefighter and the lived in the same city for their entire marriage.

I could understand being home and doing things to help other, volunteer, support the community - etc.

I hereby swear to stop giving the side eye to ever MODERN housewife I meet. :-)