Disagreement in parenting?

[Deleted]

How do you all settle things when you & your spouse disagree on how to parent?

For example, H has been fighting bed lately. We have a routine & he should be in bed by 8pm. If he is not tired (which isn't possible after a long ass day at school) than he can play with Scout & a few other stuffed animal toys in his crib. I get that he'll cry for a bit, but I'm willing to CIO for 15-20 min before going back in.

DH on the other hand, thinks that H should be laying down in his crib before leaving the room. If H doesn't want to be in the crib, he will let him play with books on the floor in his nursery until he is "ready" for bed. It's almost 9pm & they are still playing up there. I'm exhausted & want to go to bed. I know H is too. He's a hot mess, rubbing his eyes, etc. And we get up at 6:45am for school. He takes 1 nap at school for 2hrs.

I think we're sending mixed messages & I completely disagree that my 18month old can/should determine his own bed time.

How do you compromise in situations like this? DH & I ended up bickering about it & that's so damn annoying. Help me please.

[lauranicole91]

Find research that states that routine is what is best for him?

[muppetinma]

I don't have advice. Only (((hugs))). Because DH is out of town so much for work, he leaves all of that stuff up to me and just falls in line when he's home. If it were me, I'd put him in his crib. Even if he isn't sleeping, he's resting and relaxing.

[imimahoney]

Honestly, I would tell Dh flat out that it's his bedtime and he needs to go to bed. I personally don't think this is the situation where compromise is needed. I'm big on keeping routine though and Dh knows this.

[bebeetmoi]

Final sat on all parenting decisions was always mine. But that is because I am home, nursing, and doing all the research & day to day childcare.
In your situation, I agree with PPs that consistency is key. I'm sorry that you guys are at a crossroads with how to proceed with your LO's sleep. That said, I obviously side with you, so maybe try to revisit your sleep training books for a refresher for your H?
And if nothing else, ensure he understand that in a matter if months you'll have a newborn in the house again (AKA zero sleep). That should be what you need to get on the same page:)

[Deleted]

Sorry you are dealing with this! Ada is the same way, she will play and play until you force her into her crib and she takes awhile to wind down in there before she goes to sleep.

Just stress we have to be consistent and maybe show a chart of average sleeping hours a day for a toddler his age so he realizes he needs more sleep?

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2013 20:22:46 GMT -5 @lindy said:

Just stress we have to be consistent and maybe show a chart of average sleeping hours a day for a toddler his age so he realizes he needs more sleep?

Great idea. Thank you!

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2013 20:19:06 GMT -5 bebeetmoi said:

H?
And if nothing else, ensure he understand that in a matter if months you'll have a newborn in the house again (AKA zero sleep). That should be what you need to get on the same page:)

Yikes! I'm so nervous for 2. We can barely manage 1. What was I thinking?!

[bebeetmoi]

Jul 29, 2013 20:30:06 GMT -5 @vsalt31 said:

Jul 29, 2013 20:19:06 GMT -5 bebeetmoi said:

H?
And if nothing else, ensure he understand that in a matter if months you'll have a newborn in the house again (AKA zero sleep). That should be what you need to get on the same page:)

Yikes! I'm so nervous for 2. We can barely manage 1. What was I thinking?!

I didn't mean it like that. I think a friendly reminder of what you'll be revisiting soon enough will out things into perspective? It would for me at least!

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2013 19:58:14 GMT -5 muppetinma said:

I don't have advice. Only (((hugs))). Because DH is out of town so much for work, he leaves all of that stuff up to me and just falls in line when he's home. If it were me, I'd put him in his crib. Even if he isn't sleeping, he's resting and relaxing.

THis is my thoughts exactly. DH is always out of town and so bed time is up to me. Wy goes to bed between 630 and 730, even if he is not showing signs of sleepiness. 

[Deleted]

I tend to think my H's parenting instincts are pretty good so I let him make choices about that kind if stuff without questioning it in the moment. I may do more research, but I also tend to not be as in touch with the reality of the kid/situation.

In your situation, I might have a conversation later about how H does better with a consistent bedtime. But, I'd also try to understand that your H may have craved that time with the kid. Perhaps suggest that bedtime be pushed back no more than 30 minutes?

[kemangel124]

Sorry you are dealing with this. I feel like kids do need a consistent bedtime. Even if I know L isn't quite tired yet, I put her in her crib at the same (or as close to) time every night. I also have some stuffed animals in there along with 5 or so small books. I am ok if she "reads" for a while before she goes to sleep. We did CIO so she rarely cries anymore..but she doesn't always go to sleep at the same time. I feel like this helps her self regulate and wind down after her day. I think you are in the right....Good Luck!

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2013 20:39:31 GMT -5 jamaicam said:

I tend to do more research than DH so if we disagree, I will do research to prove why I am right. He accepts it once I reason with him.

This is what happens in our house too.

My kids have always gone to bed at 7pm, whether they show tired signs or not.  It's non-negotiable.  Often they fall asleep in 5 minutes but sometimes they muck around and sing for a bit.  I don't care, as long as they are in bed and can fall asleep when they are ready.  

Sometimes kids need to wind down in bed, and I think that is totally normal

[TrudyCampbell]

I have the final say on all parenting things but even if I didn't I'd just flat out tell him that he needed to sleep. Violet would NEVER lay down if we stayed in there.

[oso]

I basically tell him what the reseach says or my personal feelings towards an issue.  If my H feels strongly enough about it I tell him he knows my feelings, but I respect his.  The deal is that he gets to handle the consequences if it goes south.  He usually goes with me.  

[greenkitty98]

Jul 29, 2013 20:39:31 GMT -5 jamaicam said:

I tend to do more research than DH so if we disagree, I will do research to prove why I am right. He accepts it once I reason with him.

This is usually how it works for us, as well.

[livinreality]

I would ask DH to try it my way for a week, then if it is not better we can do DH plan or something else. As said above I normally research so mostly my way works but kids are kids so sometimes at the end of the week we reevaluate.

We do put both boys to bed at bedtime regardless of whether they are sleepy.

[dojo]

He unspoken rule is that I am a 51% share-holder of parental decisions. If my majority is questioned I sometimes try it DH's way but if I don't think it will cause me extra undue work hen I will say, "why don't you look it up?" Most times he is too whatever to actually look it up and the decision default back to me. We don't disagree much though.

[dojo]

Jul 30, 2013 5:39:27 GMT -5 livinreality said:

I would ask DH to try it my way for a week, then if it is not better we can do DH plan or something else. As said above I normally research so mostly my way works but kids are kids so sometimes at the end of the week we reevaluate.

We do put both boys to bed at bedtime regardless of whether they are sleepy.

We do this too. Bedtime is bedtime and H can fuss/cry/sing/talk to himself for as long as he likes, but by golly it's going to be in his crib with the lights off.