Therapy update

[christidee]

I posted a while back about how I was starting therapy. I've gone to two sessions. After my first session I felt eternally optimistic that it would help, and after today's session I feel even more broken actually dealing with these emotions is painful. I hope this pain is me beginning to accept things. 

We talked a lot about my mom today, and this is what I struggle with the most. I have to accept that I will never have the relationship with her that I want. This is hard. I don't want to do this. According to my therapist, my mom is a narcissist who also has a personality disorder, and she most likely will never change. I won't ever be able to have the relationship with her that I want. 

Being a mother now, it breaks me up inside. I don't ever, ever want Jake to feel the pain I do. I never want him to feel like he isn't good enough for me or for anything in the world. 

I found this article and I feel it fits me to a tee. I am the Mary Marvel. I am also overly dependent on my husband. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/under-friendly-spell/200809/getting-over-narcissistic-mother.  I think I may read this book. 

[monkeybabe]

I'm sorry this is hard and I hate that you're hurting. I hope therapy will help you heal, because that has to be a wound. You're a great mother and Jake won't feel what you feel, because you'll put him first and be there for him and you very much love him.

[pippilongstocking]

I'm sorry this is so hard and that you are hurting. I hope the therapy helps and that you start feeling better soon. You are a wonderful mother to your little guy and I'm sure he knows that!

[jfh]

I'm so sorry. Yes, facing these realities and emotions is a huge struggle. But it's also the only path to finding peace with it - you have to move through it, not around it. And when you do, you may find that you have a renewed relationship with your mother. It won't be what you always dreamed of, but it may be much more positive, because you'll have let go of the resentment, and you'll have stopped struggling in vain to make her and your relationship what you wish they were. Big hugs to you - therapy is work, no doubt about it, and it sounds like you're working hard. (hug)

[laurack]

I am sorry you must deal with this. It's hard to imagine a mother who treats her child with anything but love and positivity and I'm sorry you were unlucky to have such a mother. You can be the best mom ever and never make the mistakes she did, jake is very lucky to have you. I hope therapy helps you get through this and find some peace with the situation. Hugs to you. You are not broken you are a wonderful person!

[formerlyllizzyb]

Jake won't ever experience what you have, because you are aware of these things! You're a great mom. I'm so sorry for all your hurt and the realizations about your mom.

[Beener]

Big hugs. Jake is so lucky up have you as his mama. You're awesome!

[sunshineluv]

I think it is wonderful you have started therapy. I can only imagine it is really hard facing those emotions. I don't want to compare my dad to your mom, at all. But he was an alcoholic, which caused a lot of other things, which meant I was not able to have the relationship with him that I wanted. One thing that helped me, was when I came to terms with the loss of my ideal relationship with him. When I truely believed he was sick, and I couldn't fix it. It didn't change anything about our relationship, it just changed my reactions to it. When he would not follow through with things, or not call on my birthday, I quit taking it as personally and would remind myself that he was sick. It is an oversimplification of a long process, I just wanted to let you know what helped me. (He passed away in 2012, hence the past tense)

PS) You are a much better mom to Jake, you will not repeat the mistakes of your mom. He is a lucky lil dude!

[spaghetticat]

I'm sorry you're struggling, but I'm glad you're working through it. Hugs.

[devonpow]

I get it. My mom has borderline personality disorder. Becoming a mom myself only made me more aware of what I missed out on with my own mother/child relationship, and at the same time made me very worried about eventually "turning into" my mother and damaging my kids on the same way. It's tough.

[angiekay84]

Jake has a fantastic mother! Just the fact that you worry and care about those issue show you don't have the same issues your mom does and you will be there for him 100%. I also have mom-issues and will never have a close mother-daughter bond with her, and I've accepted it. Moving forward with my own child has been the biggest help getting over it. (((Hugs)))

[fryjack2]

I want to like everyone's responses.

As someone who grew up with a less than ideal mom, I feel for you and am sorry. I really really hesitated in deciding to have children because I was afraid of being my mom even though I am nothing like her. You will never be the kind of mother to Jake that your mother was to you. You are so strong to decide to go to therapy. Therapy is hard, emotional, draining, and enlightening all at once.

Let yourself grieve what you didn't have and work through your emotions. You will be in a better place one day.

Hugs to you.

[TrudyCampbell]

Jul 31, 2013 8:50:16 GMT -5 @chelsmonster said:

I have a lot of issues with my mother. I also feel the pain of never having the relationship I feel I deserve or want...and I use that everyday to make sure I treat Layne the way I wish I had been treated. I've learned a lot about how NOT to mother. It's a way of taking something bad and turning into something positive.

This is exactly how I feel. I see my relationship with Violet as a chance to turn it all around. Big hugs <3

[thedahliharpa]

I echo the sentiments of the other posters who had less than ideal mothers. Mine is a doozy...But, I'm not her and our relationship is better with the right amount of distance.
I'm sorry this is hard for you. There is a book rec that I am trying to track down which you may find helpful. I'll report back if I can find it.

[christidee]

Jul 31, 2013 8:50:16 GMT -5 @chelsmonster said:

I'm sorry you are dealing with so much pain...I hope that the early optimism comes back once you begin to get through these tough parts. ((Hugs)) I think it's great that you are seeking therapy.

I have a lot of issues with my mother. I also feel the pain of never having the relationship I feel I deserve or want...and I use that everyday to make sure I treat Layne the way I wish I had been treated. I've learned a lot about how NOT to mother. It's a way of taking something bad and turning into something positive.

Exactly. I've felt many of these sentiments. What I learned about parenting from my parents is mostly a book of what not to do. It is unfortunate, but our children will benefit from it. Hugs back at you. 

[nilex0102]

Jul 31, 2013 5:24:34 GMT -5 jfh said:

I'm so sorry. Yes, facing these realities and emotions is a huge struggle. But it's also the only path to finding peace with it - you have to move through it, not around it. And when you do, you may find that you have a renewed relationship with your mother. It won't be what you always dreamed of, but it may be much more positive, because you'll have let go of the resentment, and you'll have stopped struggling in vain to make her and your relationship what you wish they were. Big hugs to you - therapy is work, no doubt about it, and it sounds like you're working hard. (hug)

I think this is very well said. I have a bunch if issues with my mom too but once I decided to let them go and move on with a new expectation that made things so much easier. It may not be what I really want but at least I now know what to expect. Big hugs to you - this is hard work and it will probably get worse working through it all before it gets better.

[UnicornDog]

It's very hard at first, but I know from experience that accepting your mother's shortcomings, making peace with reality, and lowering your expectations will make you feel better someday. Therapy can help you get there.

My mother is, once again, talking about moving back out here, and this time it's going to hurt so much less when she stays put instead because I am not allowing myself to be emotionally invested in it. I am not expecting her to actually move, and I am not going into the sad cycle of, "Is she a liar or does she just not love me? What did I do to make her act this way? No, it's not my fault--she's a liar and I'm just stupid for believing her. Why am I so dumb? But maybe me being dumb is why she doesn't love me more."

When you can cut out that kind of hurtful exchange from your life, it feels really good, and you don't have to cut your mother out to do it. You just have to see things for how they are, and start to be OK with the fact that they aren't going to change, but that's fine because YOU can have a happy, full life regardless of whatever your mom does. It's sad because you deserve a better mom, but you can't change the parents you have or how they hurt you in the past. You can only change how you react and how you live your life from now on.

Good luck! I promise, it will get easier.