Halp. My BFF ...

[yourmother]

My BFF understands how I feel about infedelity (history with a parent who was unfaithful.) She is going through a divorce and admitted to having an affair with a co worker who is married with a family. I guess what my question is, WTF do I do? I can't stand this. Thoughts? My heart is broken. 

What sayeth ML:

[TrickyBob]

What do you mean what do you do?

Does this change how you view your friend? Evaluate your friendship with her and see if this is the type of person you want in your life.

There isn't much you can do, it's her life and her choice. A shitty choice, but it was hers to make.

[ElizabethBennet]

Um... you realize that this has nothing to do with you. I guarantee she was not worried about your feelings on infidelity when she cheated.

[Deleted]

Is this a real poster?

Be her friend.

Or don't.

Whatever.

[Deleted]

If I "defriended" each of my friends when they did something I don't agree with, I would have no friends. It's a tough time, but you have to be supportive. I'm sure she knows what she did was wrong.

[margotmacomber]

Ummm...why is your heart broken over your friend's relationship?  She didn't cheat on you.  You can't impose your hang ups onto your friends.

[TrickyBob]

Aug 3, 2013 23:24:49 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

Um... you realize that this has nothing to do with you. I guarantee she was not worried about your feelings on infidelity when she cheated.

Exactly. 

I'm not getting how you are heartbroken over this. Her actions had nothing to do with you. My friends do things that I'm not exactly a fan of, but it doesn't break my heart when they do. I'd rather not hear about it but I can't dictate what they do or don't do. 

[W.T.Faulkner]

While I understand it might be difficult to look at your friend right now, you don't "do" anything. Support her through this trying time or don't. But her marriage is none of your business, really.

[meganew]

What's the question? Should you stop being her friend? Tell her how you feel about her choices?

I mean, if she's coming to you for advice, you could share your concerns, but I couldn't imagine ending a friendship over this. I think I'd help hide bodies for some friends.

[Deleted]

I don't feel my friend's sexual history has anything to do with our friendship. A

[Deleted]

Aug 3, 2013 23:40:32 GMT -5 tators said:

I cant believe the replies in here. You really dont get why she would be heartbroken? Its not her betrayal but I am sure she feels let down and hurt that someone close to her made those types of choices.

And I am almost positive that if it were her husbands best friend that cheated you would be rallying for the H to dump his BFF in a hot second. I know because I got flamed for this, this spring.

If you dont want to be her friend, dont be. I want my friends to have the same values as I do. Somethings are deal breakers some arent. Is this your deal breaker?

I don't get why she needs to be told what to do.

What kind of replies should there be?  Yours?

I said the same thing in far fewer words.

[polka]

Aug 3, 2013 23:40:32 GMT -5 tators said:

I cant believe the replies in here. You really dont get why she would be heartbroken? Its not her betrayal but I am sure she feels let down and hurt that someone close to her made those types of choices.

And I am almost positive that if it were her husbands best friend that cheated you would be rallying for the H to dump his BFF in a hot second. I know because I got flamed for this, this spring.

If you dont want to be her friend, dont be. I want my friends to have the same values as I do. Somethings are deal breakers some arent. Is this your deal breaker?

To be fair, she did ask for opinions and thoughts.  

But I'm not judging what she decides.  I thought most people were just trying to figure out what she is asking in the first place with the vague "what should I do?"   Or at least that is what I was wondering.  Lol

[MrsAxilla]

Aug 3, 2013 23:40:32 GMT -5 tators said:

I cant believe the replies in here. You really dont get why she would be heartbroken? Its not her betrayal but I am sure she feels let down and hurt that someone close to her made those types of choices.

And I am almost positive that if it were her husbands best friend that cheated you would be rallying for the H to dump his BFF in a hot second. I know because I got flamed for this, this spring.

If you dont want to be her friend, dont be. I want my friends to have the same values as I do. Somethings are deal breakers some arent. Is this your deal breaker?

A marriage is between two people and two people only.  OP can disapprove of her friend's choices, but feeling "betrayed", "let down" and "heartbroken" is making it all about herself when it's not about her at all.  Especially the betrayed part.  Really?!?  No.

[Deleted]

Your friend is going through a divorce. If anyone is feeling heart broken, regardless of her actions, it is your friend. Please, either be a good friend and stop making this about you or decide that this is not someone you want in your life. She made a poor decision and she's losing her husband over it - she really doesn't need to lose a friend too.

[yourmother]

To clarify, here are the facts:
1. She's going through a divorce
2. She's sleeping with a married co-worker with a family
3. She's scared that I'm judging her and won't be her friend anymore
4. I love her and will continue being her friend, I just have a horrible feeling about this. I would never condone this kind of behavior from anyone.


I'm torn and hurt. She knows it. I told her I'm ok, but the reality is that I'm im shock.

[TrickyBob]

3. But you are judging her. And asking us what to do, we're pretty sure you're asking us if you should still be her friend or not because other wise, this doesn't pertain to you.

[polka]

Aug 4, 2013 0:08:39 GMT -5 yourmother said:

To clarify, here are the facts:
1. She's going through a divorce
2. She's sleeping with a married co-worker with a family
3. She's scared that I'm judging her and won't be her friend anymore
4. I love her and will continue being her friend, I just have a horrible feeling about this. I would never condone this kind of behavior from anyone.


I'm torn and hurt. She knows it. I told her I'm ok, but the reality is that I'm im shock.

Okay. I don't know why I read the OP as if this was a prior affair that she was confessing to you now because of the fact that she's getting a divorce.

So is she asking you what she should do?

[ElizabethBennet]

I just don't understand why you are hurt and heartbroken. I guess that is what is throwing me off.

Yes you can be disappointed, but to me at least, it seems like you are taking this as an attack against you. Which it most certainly is not. You don't have to be friends with her if you don't want to, no one is saying that. I think the problem is the dramatics that she has wronged YOU somehow. Which she hasn't. She made a shitty decision but this 10000% has nothing to do with you or your past experiences with infidelity.

[Deleted]

She's going through a divorce. Her emotions are probably all over the place and she is probably just looking to feel loved, attractive, wanted, etc.

When my friend was going through a divorce, there were things she said and did that I totally didn't get. But I stood by her. I love her. She needed to know someone cared no matter what. She needed a friend in her corner in a big way. I always say that I'll give her my opinion if she asks for it, but my job as her friend is to love and support her and not pass judgement.

[yourmother]

I love my BFF. No question about that.

My feelings have to do with my own baggage.

I will be a supportive friend.

I guess I'm struggling with the internal conflict of being supportive to a person who is willingly involved with a married person.

[yourmother]

Cheating is a deal breaker for me...at least it was in the past.

I love my BFF. Didnt expect this from her. I'm confused. Fuck.

[Deleted]

Let's say you're a mother, and your adult son comes home and tells you he just murdered somebody.

There are mothers who would hide their sons.

And there are mothers who would turn them in.

Is there a correct way to handle the situation?

Not really.* Just different ways.

DO WHAT YOU WANT.

*Not taking into account actual law.

[yourmother]

So everyone who replied in here is ok with friends who carry on relationships with married men. Wut?!

Never expected to be in this position before. Could use some real life experience or sonething.

[yourmother]

Aug 3, 2013 23:26:25 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Is this a real poster?

Be her friend.

Or don't.

Whatever.

What would you do?

[Deleted]

I'm not in your position. I'm not you. I don't have your history. I don't know your friend.

It doesn't matter what I would do.

Nobody can tell you what to do, not being similarly situated.

[Deleted]

Do you generally have difficulties making decisions?

Like.

If you're at an ice cream place, you can't just be like, "I'll have a scoop of Gold Medal Ribbon on a sugar cone," but you have to hem and haw and think really hard?

[TrickyBob]

Uh, lots of us stated that we wouldn't be a fan but we'd stand by them. Because it is their life and what they do in life, as long as it isn't directly hurting us, has nothing to do with us.

You are "heartbroken" about something that doesn't directly affect you. It isn't messing up your life.

If my friend was carrying on with a married man, I wouldn't mind telling them (as long as we are close) I don't agree and that they shouldn't have any delusions about that person leaving their spouse for them but KOKO because I cannot stop you. But again, it wouldn't be impacting my life, so they could tell me to go suck it and that'd be fine too.

[Deleted]

Aug 4, 2013 0:37:52 GMT -5 yourmother said:

So everyone who replied in here is ok with friends who carry on relationships with married men. Wut?!

Never expected to be in this position before. Could use some real life experience or sonething.

Well, as I said before, my job as a friend is to love my friend no matter what, even when her actions are questionable. Yes, what she is doing is something I wouldn't approve of. But that doesn't mean I would stop being her friend.

From what you're saying, I don't really think you want to continue the friendship. And that's totally understandable! It's a big issue with you and sounds like something you really can't look past. If I were you  with your feelings like this, I would say "Friend, I know you are going through a divorce. But I cannot condone your affair. It's really a big issue with me and I don't feel right supporting you in something I have such a problem with".

But really, there is no right answer here. It's all based on a personal thing. It's not fair to ask a group of people their opinion on something and then seem like you are judging them for saying the "wrong" answer. 

[polka]

Aug 4, 2013 0:37:52 GMT -5 yourmother said:

So everyone who replied in here is ok with friends who carry on relationships with married men. Wut?!

Never expected to be in this position before. Could use some real life experience or sonething.

Uh, I don't see where anyone came out and said they would be "ok" with it.

But you didn't ask who would be okay with it. You asked what would people do. Some answered they would remain friends with the person, some wouldn't.

Also, there is a huge difference with becoming friends with someone knowing they are currently having an affair. As opposed to already being friends with someone, then finding out. Either way, that is up to the individual to decide.

Not sure of the background info or history with your friend. But ultimately, no matter what anyone has said, it is up to you. And you seem to already have a strong opinion about it anyway.

[margotmacomber]

Your friend's marital decisions should not be impacting you this much.