Family vent- OUTRAGEOUSLY BAD

[Deleted]

Deleted. Than you for letting me vent.

[zoidberg]

It's super crazy, but I don't know what you can do about it.

It sounds like rich kid shenanigans in some crappy teen movie.

[dfl]

I'm sorry elle. We are going thru similar with my BIL and It's just so frustrating and I wish I had an answer for us all.

[speckledfrog]

He'll crash it by the end of the year and that will be that. No, I don't think you are in the least bit crazy to look at this situation and think how it will impact your future. There isn't much you can do, other than just shake your head at the stupidity of everyone involved.

[pixelpassion]

You absolutely have a right to be upset, substance abuse/addiction sucks tremendously for all those involved. Sorry you have to deal with all this shit. Has your H ever considered going to Al-Anon?

[ooglie26]

Completely crazy, and I definitely see why you are pissed.

I don't have any advice to offer...but huge hugs to you.

[gretchenindisguise]

You need to change your expectations for your ILs. They won't parent as your parents did, and they didn't with your H either.

BIL will get into a DUI (hopefully no injuries) and you can come back and vent about I told you so's with us. not the ILs.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't extrapolate any potential future parenting style of your H's from this situation. I think extending your thinking like that could lead to erroneous conclusions. You don't know what the future holds. I would suggest that whatever parenting styles you both bring to the project of parenting there is going to have to be compromise. So he will have to bend, but so will you.

[Deleted]

I can't get past the accusations that your husband stole his life.

Awful. Just awful from beginning to end.

[Deleted]

Aug 4, 2013 0:12:16 GMT -5 gretchenindisguise said:

You need to change your expectations for your ILs. They won't parent as your parents did, and they didn't with your H either.

BIL will get into a DUI (hopefully no injuries) and you can come back and vent about I told you so's with us. not the ILs.

I want to add that your ILs permissive style can yield varying results like G said.  I have permissive, but also neglectful parents.  I have a brother who has been with the same employer for almost twenty years and owns a condo.  I have a sister (age 33) who lives at home and is about to move out and has gone a very round about route of quitting things and screwing up and falling back on my parents.  I have a sister who has done subjectively somewhat better.  And then there's me.  Permissive parenting is an unhealthy style, but it does not yield uniform results at all as evidenced by your H and your BIL. 

[Gato]

Well, if I were you I would only share my opinion with my H. But yes, this sounds like a terrible idea.

You know, my H was raised in a rule-less, free-for-all atmosphere, but he parents much the same way I do - lots of boundaries, and high expectations for our kids. When you do have kids, you might be pleasantly surprised that you and he will be in agreement most of the time.

[Deleted]

I'm really sorry you and your family are having to go through this. I'm also sorry for whatever trauma, mishaps, whatever, caused your BIL to behave like this.

I think you've done more than your fair share of stepping in and the only person who can help your BIL now is himself (should he ever choose to).

Again, so so sorry for this madness.

[montereybride]

Aug 4, 2013 0:06:19 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

What would I do? Extricate myself from this whole situation. You can feel as strongly as you like in regards to FIL's and BIL's choices.. but it will make no difference in the situation or to them. They make their own choices, as bad as they are. Spending so much energy on it, is basically, a waste.

I would continue speaking with your DH about parenting styles though, if you're concerned about huge differences. And it sounds like you guys might have vastly different styles.

Ok, so, ..

/waves hands around

ALL OF THIS


Also, does this asshole live here by me? Because I don't want to be on any road near him. Ever.

[montereybride]

And I'm really really sorry you're in the middle of all this.

I think your H needs to spend some solid time in Al-Anon.

[Deleted]

It's their money to do what they please. It sounds like they continue generous behavior with both of their children despite previous behavior. It's their money.

I don't honestly get why you are hung up on the car. I think it is a manifestation of your real anxiety over future children and how your DH will parent. And if it will be all of these family members on one side (with their cash) and you on the other.

I also can't believe that you'd risk embarrassment by endorsing bil for a job. A high paying one (by many standards, even if it isn't $125k/yr). What they are doing isn't really much different. One way a dude who keeps endangering others gets a car, the other way he gets a great job via nepotism. Your heart was in the right place, but this entire thing is strange.

[polka]

Sorry Elle. It is an outrageously ridiculous situation. Unfortunately, you can't control the actions of your BIL or how your FIL is enabling him.

But honestly, although it seems frustrating and like you are not on the same page right now, your H sounds completely different than them. I don't think you will have to worry about these things with your future children.

There's also nothing wrong with making your parenting expectations known ahead of time. Just don't drive yourself nuts over it or create unnecessary arguments solely because the toxic people in your lives are making unfortunate decisions.

[angelaa73]

Their idiot kid. Their idiot problem.

[Deleted]

But doesn't FIL deserve much of the blame for buying the car for BIL? Technically,MIT is BIL's money, but it is in trust, which FIL controls, so BIL could not get the money if FIL was not buying it. Honestly - in addition to worrying about parenting styles - I am just peeved. FIL was so anti-DH and me spending money on cars, was so critical of me buying a VW Eos because he thought it was frivolous - but because BIL's life is so miserable, FIL is actually happily buying a far more expensive and less practical car for BIL.


The ONLY upside of this car is that it is tiny and if there's an accident, BIL is not likely to hurt anyone.

[Deleted]

Aug 4, 2013 0:49:38 GMT -5 elle said:

But doesn't FIL deserve much of the blame for buying the car for BIL? Technically,MIT is BIL's money, but it is in trust, which FIL controls, so BIL could not get the money if FIL was not buying it. Honestly - in addition to worrying about parenting styles - I am just peeved. FIL was so anti-DH and me spending money on cars, was so critical of me buying a VW Eos because he thought it was frivolous - but because BIL's life is so miserable, FIL is actually happily buying a far more expensive and less practical car for BIL.


The ONLY upside of this car is that it is tiny and if there's an accident, BIL is not likely to hurt anyone.

I always find lack of equality in parenting to be one of the most frustrating things in life.  

You H's family has similarities to my own.  You're right to feel frustrated.  Who wouldn't?  Lack of fairness is just wrong or at least it certainly feels that way.  

I'm sorry for the way you're being treated.  

[Deleted]

It is probably fear driven (for FIL). In his mind, he just wants to see his son 1. live and 2. thrive.

It's fear.

He is treating you guys differently about the car because he isn't looking at you guys as damaged.

You can't be so literal about the cars. (said kindly)




I don't think it will help anything to get prematurely worked up about who will be stricter.
You DH voiced that he finds it cray, and at the very least he knows where you stand.

Try to picture the roles reversed. He could argue that you were enabling most with the various help you've provided. Or, at the very least you were right there with him/the family.


I'd let it go.

[BunnyMacDougal]

Yes, you are definitely justified.  And not for reasons of moral righteousness.  Buying BIL a car is not what he needs.  He needs a bigger, better rehab place or an extended rehab place (talking out of my ass a bit here) but something to address his alcohol and drug problems.  A hot new car is just a prize that conveys "you're all right and kind of a bad ass so keep it up".  I don't care who you are, you've got to think you're a-ok if somebody buys you a car like that.

I'm so sorry elle.  I hope your BIL makes it out of this with a life he can accept.

[montereybride]

The whole thing is shitty, dude. All of it.

Your FIL is allowed to mismanage his money, your BIL's money that he controls, and whatever else.

The enabling will likely end up killing your BIL.

You have to let it go, though. You can only control the info you give your FIL, not the info your H gives him. Although, I think it's outrageous that your H is not playing for your team. The only way your FIL will stop commenting on your life is if he no longer has access to info about your life. I know you get this. I'm annoyed for you that your H won't do this for you and your marriage.

[gretchenindisguise]

Aug 4, 2013 0:49:38 GMT -5 elle said:

But doesn't FIL deserve much of the blame for buying the car for BIL? Technically,MIT is BIL's money, but it is in trust, which FIL controls, so BIL could not get the money if FIL was not buying it. Honestly - in addition to worrying about parenting styles - I am just peeved. FIL was so anti-DH and me spending money on cars, was so critical of me buying a VW Eos because he thought it was frivolous - but because BIL's life is so miserable, FIL is actually happily buying a far more expensive and less practical car for BIL.


The ONLY upside of this car is that it is tiny and if there's an accident, BIL is not likely to hurt anyone.

But you're still winning. Even if FIL is treating you differently than your BIL - the fact remains - you're winning in the game of life, and in the game of parenting advice from FIL. 

[montereybride]

Aug 4, 2013 0:56:02 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Aug 4, 2013 0:33:19 GMT -5 montereybride said:

And I'm really really sorry you're in the middle of all this.

I think your H needs to spend some solid time in Al-Anon.

I'm thinking it would not hurt Elle either. Living in or near a sick family dynamic is hard. 

I completely agree.

[montereybride]

Aug 4, 2013 0:57:16 GMT -5 BunnyMacDougal said:

Yes, you are definitely justified.  And not for reasons of moral righteousness.  Buying BIL a car is not what he needs.  He needs a bigger, better rehab place or an extended rehab place (talking out of my ass a bit here) but something to address his alcohol and drug problems.  A hot new car is just a prize that conveys "you're all right and kind of a bad ass so keep it up".  I don't care who you are, you've got to think you're a-ok if somebody buys you a car like that.

I'm so sorry elle.  I hope your BIL makes it out of this with a life he can accept.

No.

He needs to be allowed to fail. He needs to stop being rescued. He needs to hit bottom - HARD. And he needs to want to get sober.

He has no reason to get and stay sober while he is being enabled and while all of his problems are being fixed.

[goaskalice]

I'm on your side. But I don't think there's anything you can do. My own BIL has been enabled similarly all his life. It's sickening. When we were down in CA for GGILs funeral last month I could hardly speak to him bc of some shit he pulled the day of the wake. I'm not going to change my ILs parenting style this far into the game though, so I try my best to be cordial and not associate unless absolutely necessary.

[ashleykdr]

I think that people tend to be irrational when it comes to their addict loved ones, as though because they love them, they must clearly share their good traits (not like those other evilll druggies!!11!!!1), even if this has been proven and proven and proven wrong. It's completely understandable that you're pissed, but it might help to put yourself in the amazingly painful spot of a parent whose child has utterly failed. It must be hard to really accept that. Yes, your husband's judgement in this case is skewed, because he knew his brother before he was an addict, and loves the person he knew. He's probably trying to hold on to that person, but none of that means he won't give everything he has to prevent your children from turning out that way. It may very well make him stricter than you would be, because he knows the pain having someone you love turn to such a life.

As someone who has fallen victim to the kind of thoughts you describe and recognized them, I am a very strict parent, specifically because I do not want to have a child become an alcoholic like my mother.

[Deleted]

I wasn't going to hire BIL for my firm. I was suggesting I would hire him to be my own paralegal if I opened a firm in Carmel (he is actually brilliant and a great writer; he does have PhD from Oxford). But it's irrelevant because I made partner and so am not quitting my job and plus also he just doesn't work for less than $125k/year. He may not be able to vote but he has standards y'all.

And sadly, it just isn't that easy to remove myself from the situation. One, DH is co-trustee on the trust. Two, BIL lives "with" my IL's. Three, it depresses my DH so much. And BIL is SUCH A Manipulator. He has thrown out theories including: (1) he is screwed up because my IL's MOLESTED HIM (he has no memory of being molested but he must have been because how else to explain how screwed up he is? It can't be his fault); (2) he self medicates the pain because DH threw his toys over the fence when they were young and DH was more popular than BIL and didn't do more to make BIL popular; (3) BIL is bi-polar (he isn't. He is a spoiled drunk) ; (4) I should have been his wife; if I had been then he would have a perfect life, but since DH stole me his life is all screwed up. These are just some of the many theories he's come up with over the years (though the molestation theory is in a league of its own; I doubt he will ever be able to match that one).


Anyway, I always appreciate the sanity check. Thanks guys.

[ashleykdr]

Aug 4, 2013 1:22:50 GMT -5 elle said:

And sadly, it just isn't that easy to remove myself from the situation.

This, I think, is the actual problem. The ethics of completely cutting yourselves off versus the need to help family. There's likely no logical reason to consider supporting this person. It's all a matter of ties, and unfortunately you are tied up in the ties of your husband and his family.

[wannabe]

Jesus.