Newbie - introduction (long)

[blondgirl]

Hi all.

I'm new here. Was lurking for awhile on the SO Nest board, but am finally ready to come out and get the support and advice I so desperately need from you ladies!

Even though I keep saying xyz was the "last straw," I think an event that occured last night actually was the last straw. My husband wanted to "talk to me for just 5 minutes." The mindeff lasted almost two hours (so typical) and then ended with him saying we should just be fuckbuddies so that we could get our aggression out. I said, "Yeah, no thanks." He kept pushing and I kept saying I didn't think it was a good idea and it was the last thing I wanted. He got up to go to bed while I was still sitting on the couch watching TV, and he came over, kissed me on the head, then "tickled" me to the point where i fell off the couch and he would NOT leave me alone. He was "tickling" me, but I couldn't get up or away, I was telling him to stop and using all of my strength to push him off. He kept laughing and trying to kiss my neck and get in my pants. After about 5 minutes, I got away. But I was so like, "WTF just happened?" that I didn't even think to say anything like get the eff out of the house. Instead, we went to bed next to each other (with the giant body pillow I've had between us for the past three weeks since I told him I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce). And then he told me that I'd need to get my engagement ring out of my parents safe deposit box (where I hid it because I didn't want him taking it) because he still hasn't paid his dad back all the money for it. :-| We're coming up on 8 years of marriage and 11 years of being together and that damn ring was never paid for. I am SICK. What a DB.

Anyway, there's so much more to the WHY I want a divorce, but essentially it's been 10 years of him job hopping, getting fired, professing these HUGE dreams and goals, me constantly giving up good jobs and my future for him, and him still never feeling fulfilled or supported by me. In February (on Valentine's Day no less) we had a fight where he told me he was jealous of my success, felt that I had never supported him, hated that I never even offered to get him a job where I work (um, entitled much?), and basically said I have no idea what it's like for him to be dealt his crappy hand because I've always been in the right place at the right time. I'm so lucky. Yeah. And then I found out that he'd reached out to his ex girlfriend and they'd been emailing and texting from October 2011 - March 2012. Things like i love you baby, let's rendevous for "golf lessons" in Arizona, i just need one more night with you but i know that wouldn't be enough because i'd want more... blah blah blah. That was the final nail in the coffin. All while I've been busting my ass supporting him emotionally and financially, he'd been getting "support" and more from his ex. And then at the end of April, my ex contacted me. Horrible timing. He was so stable (12 years at the same job), hot (true) and just normal. But it got out of hand quickly and of course my husband got into my email last Monday and found EVERYTHING between us - emails, photos, two inapprorpiate videos... oops. Hell yeah I feel like an ass. I feel horrible for hurting him (and now putting my ex in a shitty position seeing as how now my husband has print outs and probably electronic files of everything that could possibly affect his job or something) but at the same time, my husband doesn't take any responsibility in any of this. Like, hello, maybe if you hadn't jerked me and the kids around for YEARS and then get into an emotional relationship with your ex for six months while i was home BUSTING MY ASS with the kids, the home, a full time job and a part time job, maybe I wouldn't have gone "there" with my ex?! Yeah.

Okay, clearly venting and getting everything out. We have two children. I am going to therapy alone as part of my agreement to calm my husband down last week. He has his own therapy appointment Thursday, but I am hoping we can go together at some point so a third party can help me explain that this is seriously OVER. (My husband keeps getting pissed that i'm throwing in the towel after "only" 10 years. God forbid I finally do what's best for ME...)

I just feel very alone, stressed, exhausted and a little scared. We do not have the money for an expensive contested divorce, but I have a feeling he won't care and will contest the hell out of everything just to spite me. Sometimes he's calm and it seems like maybe we can do this ourselves and file jointly, but other times I feel like he will go completely the other way. I'm just so mentally and physically exhausted. I can't imagine dealing with this while he drags this out for years...

Anyway, "hi!" I'm a mess. lol

[dakotadangerdog]

Well that's a shitty situation. Why haven't you just filed for divorce to show him how OVER it is?

[blondgirl]

Jun 18, 2012 12:02:12 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

Well that's a shitty situation. Why haven't you just filed for divorce to show him how OVER it is?

I guess because I was still holding out hope that we could do this amicably. Once I file solo (not jointly) it makes it so much messier. ...like it's not already messy now lol

[Deleted]

You need to go pack up your stuff and get out of there immediately. An attempted rape is not something to take lightly. Set up your own bank account today, if you haven't already, transfer some money and leave immediately. Then set up an appointment with a lawyer.

[Bernadine]

I guarantee you you will not be able to work things out amicably. Get a lawyer, and file as soon as you're able.

[kellbell191]

Yes, he sounds like an abuser and this sounds like a dangerous situation for you. Do you have anywhere else you can stay?

[theycallmeliz]

Jun 18, 2012 12:04:46 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

You need to go pack up your stuff and get out of there immediately. An attempted rape is not something to take lightly. Set up your own bank account today, if you haven't already, transfer some money and leave immediately. Then set up an appointment with a lawyer.

This.

If you have officially come to terms with "its over", then you need to act. Now. If he's as unstable and broke as it sounds, he wont be able to afford "fighting you just beause he can". Most attorneys ask for money up front. Hopefully things will work out quickly for you.

[prettyinpearls]

It makes me so very sad to see there are children involved in this mess. While reading about how you started talking to your ex (after your STBXH just did the same thing!!) I was thinking to myself, "Well at least they don't have kids". Yikes. I'm glad you're going to theapy -- you'll benefit greatly from it.

Stop making excuses and just file already. It will be messy -- the sooner you get the process started, the better you'll feel. Do you have any kind of exit plan? Have you talked about custody/parenting time for the kids?

[usedtobebear]

Hi,
Welcome to the board, I'm new too. It definitely sounds like your relationship has run it's course. Try and be strong and stick with your decision to leave the relationship, it sounds like it's much needed and time to move on. Obviously you both have messed up in the infidelity department but I'm not one to judge. I think everyone deserves to be happy and it sounds like he's just excess baggage, alot like my DH. I was always the responsible bread winner while he was the dreamer and never attempting to make his dreams even happen. Stick around and good luck!

[wrathofkuus]

My first thought was you saying "oohhh, my mistake, DH. I thought that was okay in our marriage, considering what I found between you and your ex. That this wasn't okay with you wasn't clear to me AT ALL."

[explorer2001]

Make a plan, get out and bring your kids, go to a domestic violence shelter if that's what it takes to get out and safe, file for divorce, get therapy. You deserve better and so do the kids. If he is willing to attempt what he had, you don't want to.leave the kids with him to be hurt or used to manipulate you in the process.

[phoenixrising]

I don't have any advice other than what others have already said, but I did want to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this. He sounds like he is a mess, and you and your kids deserve so much more than this. Please be safe and do what YOU need to do. It's hard to separate who your H is now from who you might once have thought he was (I have this problem as well), but it will be better for you in the long run to be stuck with some divorce debt but free of him and his games. Hugs to you.

[blondgirl]

Thank you all for your support and advice. I know once I can step away from all of this, I will see how messed up this is, and how far it's truly gone in the wrong direction. It's just difficult right now since I've been in it so long.

I opened my own account several months ago, so I do have my own money (not a ton, but enough), and I contacted an attorney today. If he won't file jointly, I will be doing it on my own ASAP.

Thanks again, and I look forward to getting to know you all.