I'm a gbcn regular but not on this board. This is an AE. I need advice and this seemed the most appropriate place to ask.
i cheated on my husband last week. I was on a girls trip for a friends birthday. On our last night there we all kind of split up and did our own thing. I stayed with my best friend. We went out, had a lot of drinks, ended up back at our hotel for some gambling and it was there that we became friendly with a group of guys. They were nice and we all sort of just gambled and hung out together.
There was one guy who talked with me the most. He was flirty, I flirted back. My friend eventually decided to go back to our room. I told her I was going to finish the game I was playing and my drink and I'd be right up soon. The guy asked to walk me to my room and because I'm an idiot I said sure. He asked to come in and use the restroom and that's when everything happened. I knew it was wrong with every fiber of my being. With every stupid decision I made my brain kept telling me to stop. But here I am.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm disgusted. I've never hated anyone or anything more than I do myself right now. I don't know how I can live the rest of my life feeling like this. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm just going through the motions and trying to figure out what the hell I am going to do. If I tell my husband my marriage is over. We have a toddler and I can't believe I did this to my family.I know this guilt is my punishment and that I should have to feel that for the rest of my life as a consequence.
I guess what I'm looking for is some advice. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Would you want to know about a one night stand if your marriage was otherwise ok and your spouse would never do it again? Or is it always the right thing to tell? I'm so lost and just looking for feedback I guess.
you did the nasty with some strange guy while your friend was in the same room? You let him into a room you shared with your friend. I think for starters you need to figure out why you would endanger your friend like that, never mind put yourself in a position of having your child grow up without a mother.
does the name Joran VanDerSloot mean nothing to you?
First, the logistics: Did you use protection? If not, get tested.
My opinion on the to tell or not to tell debate is this: If you respect your husband as a person, you owe him the truth. It will hurt him, but it's not fair to keep him in the dark about something like this. He deserves to be able to make choices regarding his marriage knowing the full truth, as do you.
I would want to know, yes. Having full agency is important to me; I want my life decisions (like whether or not to stay married to someone, to keep loving someone) to be able to be made with all relevant information. Not telling me just because "things are otherwise fine" would be robbing me of that, and if I ever found out, I'd think that you were treating me like stuff in your life to make your life the way you want it, rather than a person with rights and a perspective.
Post by partiallysunny on Aug 7, 2013 6:59:33 GMT -5
I've always thought that when a marriage is good, spouses do not cheat. Its my belief that those who cheat are trying to fill a void, whether real or imagined all depends.
Not that you should use that a as excuse.
You owe your spouse the truth.
Edit: The point of the babbling above was to point out that you need to figure out why you cheated.
you did the nasty with some strange guy while your friend was in the same room? You let him into a room you shared with your friend. I think for starters you need to figure out why you would endanger your friend like that, never mind put yourself in a position of having your child grow up without a mother.
does the name Joran VanDerSloot mean nothing to you?
Ok, this is a little much. 'Cause really, Jodi Arias, Nannie Doss, Aileen Wuornos, and Belle Gunness just to name a few VanDerSloot-esque women.
OP, I don't really have anything to add that the pps haven't already said. Good luck and get yourself tested.
you did the nasty with some strange guy while your friend was in the same room? You let him into a room you shared with your friend. I think for starters you need to figure out why you would endanger your friend like that, never mind put yourself in a position of having your child grow up without a mother.
does the name Joran VanDerSloot mean nothing to you?
Ok, this is a little much. 'Cause really, Jodi Arias, Nannie Doss, Aileen Wuornos, and Belle Gunness just to name a few VanDerSloot-esque women.
OP, I don't really have anything to add that the pps haven't already said. Good luck and get yourself tested.
if she had brought a strange woman to the room I would have mentioned them, but she brought a man hence why I mentioned VanDerSloot
Thank you for your comments. I really do appreciate it. I needed to get those words out and get some real perspective. I've got my first therapy session scheduled and am going to be tested today. Thanks again.
Get tested and get to therapy. I'm along the lines of PS that if you were happy at home you wouldn't have cheated. Figure out whats up with you and what made you stray.
On the flip side. I have a friend who's Fiance at the time cheated on her while away. They are still together. He told her what seems like half truths that he didn't sleep with her. I personally don't believe it. Regardless they are still together and from talking to her she still harbors resentment and anger towards him over it. It's been a few years now and periodically it will come up and from a third party perspective I feel like she hasn't really ever gotten back a feeling of trust back from him. She has a lot of other things that also throw in doubt but they don't relate to your story.
Look: you can't promise that it won't happen again. Presumably when you got married you promised not to cheat, and you broke your promise. Your husband deserves to know the truth so he can make his own choice.
Post by bullygirl979 on Aug 7, 2013 11:30:08 GMT -5
Agree with all PP. Your H deserves to know. You made your decision and now he deserves to make his decision. And seriously, get in to therapy. You need to figure out why you did this.
So my ex husband cheated on me when our ds was 3 - that is where this viewpoint is coming from.
I found out on my own. When I confronted him, he lied and lied and lied some more to try and make it like he didn't do anything wrong and all the stuff I found had other logical explainations and that I was a crazy person. He, to this day 4 years later, insists he did nothing wrong and that even though I accused him of cheating on me with his now live-in girlfriend their relationship started after he moved out (I have plenty of proof he isn't aware of to the contrary). All that said, if ex would have come to me and said, "You are right. I messed up. I am sorry. Let's go to counseling." I would have gone -- it would not have meant the certain end to our marriage. Partly because if he was being honest and remorseful about his choice, I would feel like I owed it to my family to at least try to get past it. I think cheating is horrible in and of itself. I think lying about it is far worse. In your situation, I think not telling your dh is like lying by omission. You need to tell him and deal with the consequences of your decision.
Also, please get tested not only now, but in 6 months and then 12 months. Some nastiness takes a while to show up on tests. I learned this from my doc when I went to him to get tested after ex cheated.
Anyone could out her. Years down the line, they could run into this guy or one of his friends who were there, for any reason.
Yeah. I tend to think that these things have a way of coming out, one way or another.
Truth.
I never want to hear my H tell me that he cheated.
However, if I have to pick between hearing it from him or hearing it through the grapevine, I choose him. If it's between finding out immediately and finding out years down the road, I choose now.