How should we approach this conversation?

[captainmel]

Boyfriend's Dad doesn't drive. I just got dropped off at the hospital by Boyfriend's mom. Her driving scares the shit out of me. I think it is a short matter of time until she is going to get in a big accident because she should not be driving anymore.

Has anyone had this conversation with family? I think her reaction will be... Negative at best...

[neonpink]

Yikes. I know how you feel. My Grandpa should not be driving. When my Dad went to visit in May they drove 70+ on a spare! How my Dad did not notice is beyond me. He is usually so perceptive. I think the fact that my Grandpa is loosing his memory distracted him from it. We've tried to figure out nice ways to say it but haven't. It must be so hard to get old and have your world slowly get smaller.

[tiramisu]

I don't think there's a good way to have that conversation, it's always going to be hard. My grandmother's friend is 99, about to be 100. She told us that the day they took her car away from her was the day they took away her life.

[Muddled]

My parents have it on the regular with my grandfather. It hasn't worked yet.

Remember how independent you felt when you got your license? He would lose all that. It would kill him. I'm sure he would rather die in a car crash. What he is not taking into consideration, of course, is anyone else that he hurts.

[starrieskies]

Aug 13, 2013 15:39:59 GMT -5 captainmel said:

IHer driving scares the shit out of me.

Good thing you prepped for your procedure today...

Sorry, I'm 5 today.

[partiallysunny]

Aug 13, 2013 16:47:15 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

Aug 13, 2013 15:39:59 GMT -5 captainmel said:

IHer driving scares the shit out of me.

Good thing you prepped for your procedure today...

Sorry, I'm 5 today.

<3

[Muddled]

lol starrieskies


Mel, I don't know if this is a conversation for "we." I appreciate you trying to get input, but maybe this should be something that BF handles. Sensitive subjects usually go over better that way.

[captainmel]

Oh I plan on letting him be in charge and handle the conversation. I was just looking for some input.

His mom really does listen to him so I'm hoping she takes it OK.

The only reason it might be a we is that most of the errand running and shopping and visits with friends would fall on us. Again, mostly him but sometimes on me.

[Deleted]

how old is she?

[gogreengowhite]

My husband's grandfather should have had his license taken away but no one wanted to "upset him"

He did get in an accident and died from his injuries after being in the hospital for 3 months, the woman he hit broke her leg.

When she found out he died she sued his estate assuming there was an inheritance to get ahold of. There wasn't.

The main thing I learned from this: keep the car fully insured. This is the only reason my husband's family didn't go into severe debt during his long hospital stay. His Medicare wouldn't have covered injuries from a car accident, but his car insurance did.

I'm sorry you are facing this. What I mean to say from all this info above is, if you really feel this is necessary please have your BF say something. I know it's hard but it could save their lives.

[captainmel]

Aug 13, 2013 18:34:12 GMT -5 mags said:

how old is she?

She's only 63. She has MS though and it is starting to get progressive enough to effect some of her capabilities.

[Deleted]

Aug 13, 2013 18:51:14 GMT -5 captainmel said:

Aug 13, 2013 18:34:12 GMT -5 mags said:

how old is she?

She's only 63. She has MS though and it is starting to get progressive enough to effect some of her capabilities.

oh, the ms part is bad. what if a dr had a talk with her?

[bluefish]

I'm sorry you're facing this. We have also had to discuss limiting, reducing, or altogether stopping driving with a few family members.
AARP has a section on their site with tips about how to approach "the talk" and what driving means to seniors.
www.aarp.org/home-garden/transportation/we_need_to_talk/

[captainmel]

That's a good idea mags. She really trusts andloves her GP and Boyfriend knows the GP well too. Maybe iI'll have him talk to her before anything.

[Muddled]

I forgot about the ms angle. I would recommend that bf talk to her doctor about his concerns.

Such a touchy subject... Good luck.

[partiallysunny]

How are things with with BFs dad?

[captainmel]

Aug 14, 2013 7:55:53 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

How are things with with BFs dad?

Well... He has been drinking a lot less. But it still is not at zero. Boyfrtiend's mom has a drinking dependancy problem too so she will hide alcohol around the house and garage for her and then she gets mad when her alcoholic husband finds it. 

They have found out that they cannot afford what they would have to pay to get him into a long term care facility. I have stayed out of the financial discussions and Boyfriend resents that it is an issue in the first place and doesn't want to get too involved. I won't force him to.

So basically we are in the  same damn place, minus some alcohol, sometimes.

[partiallysunny]

Aug 14, 2013 10:13:39 GMT -5 captainmel said:

Aug 14, 2013 7:55:53 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

How are things with with BFs dad?

Well... He has been drinking a lot less. But it still is not at zero. Boyfrtiend's mom has a drinking dependancy problem too so she will hide alcohol around the house and garage for her and then she gets mad when her alcoholic husband finds it. 

They have found out that they cannot afford what they would have to pay to get him into a long term care facility. I have stayed out of the financial discussions and Boyfriend resents that it is an issue in the first place and doesn't want to get too involved. I won't force him to.

So basically we are in the  same damn place, minus some alcohol, sometimes.

boo. I was hoping for a good update. Is there any type of assistance or funding for the place they are looking at?

[captainmel]

partiallysunny, they've looked at a lot of places that offer aid/accept medicare. They have too many assets to qualify but not enough monthly extra to pay. I think.. I've mostly let them figure it out.

Boyfriend's mom also has some bad spending habits where she could cut back a lot of spending but doesn't even realize they're an issue. Steak and lamb are not a normal dinner that you eat every night.

[partiallysunny]

Aug 14, 2013 10:28:41 GMT -5 captainmel said:

partiallysunny, they've looked at a lot of places that offer aid/accept medicare. They have too many assets to qualify but not enough monthly extra to pay. I think.. I've mostly let them figure it out.

Boyfriend's mom also has some bad spending habits where she could cut back a lot of spending but doesn't even realize they're an issue. Steak and lamb are not a normal dinner that you eat every night.

I see. So they are just not making his recovery a priority. How sad. And I'm sure his mother knows that if her husband gets clean, she will have to as well.

[captainmel]

I don't think it is even that straight forward partiallysunny. For a long time Boyfriend's dad(J) wwent without alcohol as a personal choice. We could all drink at dinner and he would have a diet coke and it was NBD. He's now devolved to the emotional control of a 5 year old. J will never have that level of control and she just wants it to go back to the way it was.

J's long term comfort and health is a big priority for her but she's so stressed all the time that she can't process what she could be doing differently, like groceries. And, cooking is one of her biggest outlets and things she enjoys. I hate the idea of telling her that she can't have the things she likes. J is also a really picky eater with a small appetite but he will almost always eat some of the more expensive food items.

I've been really letting Boyfriend be in charge of all of these things and keeping my mouth shut. Boyfriend has already gone through most of the mourning process for his dad and doesn't want to get too involved. His dad is gone, now there is a man that looks like him. I don't want to push Boyfriend into a bad place.

[partiallysunny]

Aug 14, 2013 10:49:49 GMT -5 captainmel said:

I've been really letting Boyfriend be in charge of all of these things and keeping my mouth shut. Boyfriend has already gone through most of the mourning process for his dad and doesn't want to get too involved. His dad is gone, now there is a man that looks like him. I don't want to push Boyfriend into a bad place.

As you should. It's really BF's responsibility to deal with his family. Still a sad situation.

[captainmel]

Thanks, partiallysunny.

I know I'm doing the right thing but it is really hard still.

[smock]

That's a tough situation. Getting her doctor involved might help. You might also consider something other than not driving at all, like no freeways, no more than 3 miles from her house, etc. Is it possible that opening a dialogue about this might make her slow down and drive more carefully, or is it largely related to her ms and out of her control?

[captainmel]

smock, it is all MS related. She has bad depth perception and bad reaction timing and bad car control. She's also easily disoriented and doesn't do well on "new" streets, she gets lost so easily. She's lived in this area for 1.5 years.

[smock]

Yeah, then she really shouldn't be driving. Getting the doctor involved will probably make things easier.

[Muddled]

Are there states where, after a certain age. drivers must re-take the driving test? I realize this doesn't apply to BF's mom, but I'm wondering.

[captainmel]

Aug 14, 2013 11:55:22 GMT -5 Muddled said:

Are there states where, after a certain age. drivers must re-take the driving test? I realize this doesn't apply to BF's mom, but I'm wondering.

I think they recently started doing this in Florida. I was actually just looking online to see if you could submit an anonymous request for a retest. I feel like this would be a really great option but it doesn't seem to exist.