Help me think through this...

[starrieskies]

STBX just asked if he can have DS this weekend.  My knee-jerk reaction is "No way in hell".  But maybe I should.  It could go a long way to civility between us, and one of my biggest complaints is that he has never made spending time with DS a priority.  Now that he wants to, I feel kind of hypocritical saying no.  I told him I would think about it.

Pros:
They will FINALLY spend some good quality time together, and work on that relationship that I want them to have.
I would have time to finish getting settled and unpacked without DS trying to "help"
I would finally have time for the mental breakdown I deserve without worrying about DS seeing
Time to myself would be really nice, maybe a night out with the girls
He still thinks he can win me back, and will be extra nice to DS in an attempt to stay in my good graces
Also, they haven't seen each other in a week. (not that DS has noticed, but that's beside the point)

Cons:
WTF am I supposed to do with myself for 3 days?
H is manipulative and may try to use DS against me to get me back
I'm not sure what he will say to DS when I'm not there.  Everytime they've talked on the phone they've been on speaker phone.
what if DS doesn't want to go?
there was an outbreak of hand foot and mouth at his old daycare, and judging by when it showed up there, there's still a possibility that DS may come down with it and I'm not sure how H would handle that.
 (he's never even taken DS to a check up before)
His temper is a big concern, and I won't be there to monitor it

I'm feeling like a little bit of a control freak here...  I'm pretty certain that H won't do anything that he thinks will jeopardize his chances of getting me back, so it seems like if I'm going to do this and give him a chance, it may be best to do it before I serve him with papers and he gets pissed...  UGH!  Help me, TIP!!!

[Muddled]

A couple of things are going through my head. In no particular order:

1. You can't keep him from his son without a court order AFAIK.
2. Can you negotiate down to a day versus the entire weekend?
3. How do you feel about seeing him? Would there be someone to go with you for the hand-offs?
4. What does your lawyer say?
5. Is a supervised visit an option?


OK, so more than a couple and, of course, I have no experience with this, but that is what I thought of.

[starrieskies]

My lawyer said she understands my hesitation, and doesn't blame me, but technically I can't really say no without a court order and now may be the best time to do it because I haven't served him with papers and pissed him off. He's still in the "lets fix it stage" and won't do anything to mess up his chances.

I think I'll be ok with seeing him. I'm not sure... I can probably get someone to go with me.

I just don't like it. I know it makes sense and it would probably be good for both of them, but I don't like it...

[Muddled]

Is there any history of him hurting DS?

[partiallysunny]

I'd aim for a day instead of the weekend. Like you said, you can't really keep them apart but... I understand your concerns and share them. The two big things that stand out to me is STBXH's temper and that he could try to use DS as a pawn to get you to come back.

[starrieskies]

When it comes to DS, he hasn't been physically abusive just absent and at times loud... possibly verging into mental abuse territory sometimes, but DS is young enough it didn't really affect him as much as it did me. There was the one incident a few months ago that freaked me out, where he lost his temper, but given the circumstances I'm pretty certain he'll just be so happy to see DS that he wouldn't be able to piss him off if he tried.

I kind of feel like I'm letting his past mental abuse toward me cloud my judgement even though logically I know that he will be fine with DS and probably treat him like gold for the entire weekend... Which is really what I've wanted for DS for the last 4 years. It seems selfish of me to try to deny him that, but I just want to protect him...

This is hard!

[bowies]

My worry lies in him refusing to hand DS back over to you as a way to get you back to the house. Ask your lawyer what your course of action is in that case. I'd also make the hand-off time on Monday morning so your lawyer will be in the office then and your STBXH will be more likely to follow through since he has a job to get to.

See if STBXH will agree to Saturday afternoon - Monday morning. It's a compromise.

[starrieskies]

that's a good idea bowies. I will ask her about that. Although he has to be at work at 6:30, so we'd have to meet at 6:00 am. At that point she still wouldn't be in the office...

[Muddled]

That's my main worry, too, bowies.

The rest of that stuff in your cons list, you don't really have any control over. Except the first one-- and I think you will find plenty to keep you occupied while DS is with his dad. Unfortunately, I doubt (someone will correct me if I am wrong, I hope) that you'll be able to stop any visitation without a documented history of abuse. I think these things tend to be reactive instead of proactive when it comes to parental rights. He is going to have to learn how to talk to and take care of DS one day, if he wants to continue a relationship, so it might as well be now.

Try to shave some time off the visit, talk to your lawyer about your rights in case of a hostage situation (bad wording, I know. Sorry!), and get a temporary schedule together ASAP.

When are you planning on filing? I hear that he who files first has the advantage, so I wouldn't want to put it off too long.

Of course this is hard, but you are a good mom and you love your son. You are going to do what's best for him, even if it's difficult. Just do what you can to protect yourself.

[dixienormous]

I'm with bowies and Muddled. And get those papers served and court orders for child visitation and support asap.

[margarita]

I have no advice, but I'm finding myself nodding at what everyone else has said. I definitely share the same concern as bowies.
Maybe he wouldn't pull something like that though, because then how would he "win you back"? I don't know.
Document. And trust your instincts.

[captainmel]

Hugs. Just keep in contact with your lawyer. I worry about the same two as everyone else. I hope he will one day have a good relationship with your son.

[gault]

I HATE that he is already using your son to get to you. HATE. Because that is obviously what this is. He's using the ONLY way he knows how to make you ask how high when he says jump.

I know you have no choice and he is within his rights. It just sucks so much ass.
No kids here, so I'm of no help with this. But gaaaaaah!

[starrieskies]

thanks guys. this is going to be rough. I'm on the verge of tears already... He is really insistent on having DS for the whole weekend, has it all planned out and was kind of irritated when I suggested shaving it down because he has already made plans. UGH!

As sad as it is, I find myself cursing the fact that he didn't go apeshit so I could slap a TRO on him and save myself this grief...

[bowies]

Even if he misses a 6 am handoff, you'd only need to wait a couple of hours for your lawyer to get in the office instead of staying up all night Sunday because you're worried. At this stage I'd go along with letting him have him for the weekend since he hasn't done anything (yet). How is DS adjusting?

Serving him with papers needs to be a priority this week, if for no other reason than getting custody temporarily hammered out.

[Deleted]

Aug 16, 2013 10:17:05 GMT -5 gault said:

I HATE that he is already using your son to get to you. HATE. Because that is obviously what this is. He's using the ONLY way he knows how to make you ask how high when he says jump.

I know you have no choice and he is within his rights. It just sucks so much ass.
No kids here, so I'm of no help with this. But gaaaaaah!

I know. 

[starrieskies]

Yeah, it is frustrating me too, gault.

DS is adjusting just fine. Better than fine, actually. He loves his new daycare, he thinks its awesome staying with my parents, and he has never once asked about his dad or mentioned missing him. Its kind of sad that he's gotten so accustomed to his dad not being around...

I agree, bowies, temporary visitation arrangements need to be made like yesterday.

I'm feeling a little bit better now than I was this morning, but I did go buy a bottle of wine for tonight, and a couple of my closest friends told me that they are taking me dancing on Saturday night, so that helped.