I need someone to talk me off of the proverbial ledge...

[jamie]

I just peed on a stick and it's positive.

I don't post regularly, so I know none of you "know" me, but you ladies are so smart and give great advice. I have $50K in student loan debt, another ~$15K in other car/cc/other debt; DH and I are living rent-free in a house his family owns an hour from where we work while we save to get out of debt/save for a DP; and I am freaking the fuck out.

I'm sure it could be worse, but it doesn't seem like it now. If any of you have any words of support, I could really use them.

*Please don't quote. I may DD when I process the fact that I just posted this on a random internet board.

[Deleted]

How old are you and your DH and where were you at with wanting/not wanting kids? You have options and you don't have to decide anything tonight.

Regardless of what happens with the pregnancy, there are a lot of smart women here who are willing to help you with budgeting ideas. It's great that you are able to live rent-free and not have to worry about a mortgage or rent.

What are your biggest worries? How can we help?

I know it can be scary but it isn't the end of the world. (hug) (hug2)

[kimibrighteyes]

That does sound stressful. Have you discussed with DH yet? You know that you do have options if you decide that you don't want to go ahead with this pregnancy. If you do decide to go forward with the pregnancy, it may help to post your budget. ((Hugs))

[livinitup]

I am guessing that you will be fine. It's a baby, not a disease. It's okay. Really, you have time to adjust.

Student debt, car loan debt are okay - really. I had student loan debt and a baby. On purpose. It didn't even faze me that it would be an issue  - it's not. Yes, I had a monthly payment, but it didn't mean I couldn't pay for diapers (at Costco), too. Hi MM.


Deep breathes.  IT WILL BE OKAY.

Everyone feels this way. BTW - Congratulations. Really, congrats.

[Deleted]

Oh also I think it can be helpful to know that even when people are TTC, many still freak out a little when they get a positive pregnancy test.

[jamie]

Thank you.

I'm 26, DH is 28. We got married last May and have been together ~6.5 years. We both very much want children, we just wanted to have them at the "right time." Don't get me wrong, I understand you can't plan everything to death and if you try there may never be a perfect time. Mostly I just wanted to be excited when I found out. I didn't want to feel this way: feeling stupid and irresponsible and like I'm not nearly ready to take care of a child. My biggest goal before TTC was having our own home. Once we paid off some of our debts and could buy a house with at least 10% down and 3mos still in efund, I would have been comfortable trying. Having none of those things is mostly what's freaking me the eff out.

I don't have health insurance. DH's is covered through his employer, but we'd have to pay out of pocket for me. We've been prioritizing other things, which is glaringly stupid now, but I can't go back in time and change it.

I posted my budget a few weeks ago. I got some really great advice, and I've been implementing what I can. I was planning to update within the next month or so. I'll probably do that sooner, but I can't look at numbers right now.

[Deleted]

Get on health insurance ASAP.

We got pregnant before we intended and we've made it work. Now I can't imagine having it any other way, even despite financial struggles. I definitely felt stupid and irresponsible, and didn't want to tell people (primarily because I was still in grad school and was heading into a year living away from home and DH, but finances were also a huge issue). I know that it isn't ideal to have a kid before getting everything in line, but people do it all the time. And you can too, if that's what you and your DH decide to do.

[stealthmom]

Get on Medicaid ASAP.

If owning a home was your only real barrier to having a kid please be reassured that most people in the world have kids w/o owning a home. Many people would never be able to have kids if that was the requirement. We've certainly never owned a home w/ kids. This will be a huge mental adjustment for you, but everything will be okay. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Those types of people make the best parents.

If it makes you feel any better, I foun out I was pg. with my first son (an oops) about 10 min. before we got the call from our realtor that our house had sold. See, we were planning on moving halfway across the world (w/o jobs there) and were living at my mom's house at the time waiting for our house to sell. My husband was a f/t student and I was making pennies. Neeless to say getting pg. REALLY effed up our plans. I actually tried to sabotage the sale of our house. LOL. No dice. But everything was okay. I'm not saying it was a time w/o stress, but everything was fine.

And now that I'm pg. again (on purpose) I can attest to the fact that even planned for babies are super scary. HUGS. You'll work it out.

[dulcedeleche]

Aug 16, 2013 22:43:03 GMT -5 jamie said:

Thank you.

I'm 26, DH is 28. We got married last May and have been together ~6.5 years. We both very much want children, we just wanted to have them at the "right time." Don't get me wrong, I understand you can't plan everything to death and if you try there may never be a perfect time. Mostly I just wanted to be excited when I found out. I didn't want to feel this way: feeling stupid and irresponsible and like I'm not nearly ready to take care of a child. My biggest goal before TTC was having our own home. Once we paid off some of our debts and could buy a house with at least 10% down and 3mos still in efund, I would have been comfortable trying. Having none of those things is mostly what's freaking me the eff out.

I don't have health insurance. DH's is covered through his employer, but we'd have to pay out of pocket for me. We've been prioritizing other things, which is glaringly stupid now, but I can't go back in time and change it.

I posted my budget a few weeks ago. I got some really great advice, and I've been implementing what I can. I was planning to update within the next month or so. I'll probably do that sooner, but I can't look at numbers right now.

I just want to encourage you to take a deep breath.  I am your age and DH is your DH's age.  We got married young, but wanted to wait to have children until we were financially ready as well. I got pregnant at 21 and we now have an almost 5 year old.  We also have a 3 year old that we planned.  My point is that if you and your husband want this child, you will find a way to make this work.  The best part of pregnancy is you have 9 months before the baby comes.  If you have any questions, or if I can give you support, please feel free to message me.  Your feelings sound incredibly normal.  I have also recently found this blog, and you may relate to it. www.earlymama.com/

[Kore]

Hugs! Just realized I know you. I'll DD if this makes you uncomfortable. I promise I won't say anything to IRL people.

You're going to be a wonderful mom. Things will be ok. I think it's pretty easy to qualify for Medicaid when you're pregnant; it'll cover you til you're a few months postpartum & can get your own policy.

Give yourself a few days to let the news sink in. It's ok to be scared, even under the best of circumstances.

[kimibrighteyes]

Congrats! Even planned pregnancies can be a lot to take in at first and if both you and DH want this baby, you will find a way to make it work. Many people rent and buy a home after having children so don't worry about not owning a home right now

[jamie]

Aug 16, 2013 23:40:19 GMT -5 Kore said:

Hugs! Just realized I know you. I'll DD if this makes you uncomfortable. I promise I won't say anything to IRL people.

You're going to be a wonderful mom. Things will be ok. I think it's pretty easy to qualify for Medicaid when you're pregnant; it'll cover you til you're a few months postpartum & can get your own policy.

Give yourself a few days to let the news sink in. It's ok to be scared, even under the best of circumstances.

Yep I knew you'd be discreet if you made the connection.

The one person I talked to told me Medicaid was probably my best option. It was her only option when she had an uh-oh. I am going to look into the details of getting on H's policy. I don't think we'll have a problem adding me, I just think we'll have to pay out the ass for it. This whole situation is just a lot for me to process right now and being home alone isn't helping. DH should be home soon and I'll break the news... Eep.

[Kore]

Ahhhh! He doesn't know! How do you think he'll handle it??

I know a lot of women who've used Medicaid. I fully support its use. It encourages healthy pregnancies & healthy outcomes, and it'll lessen your stress. I'm happy to rec great doctors who accept it if you're still in the area.

Let us know how it goes w/your H! Tons & tons of good thoughts <3

[jamie]

Nope. I took two tests a few hours ago, and he's at work until ~2am. I think he's going to initially flip his shit, but he's going to be really excited once he gets over the shock. He's really wanted kids for a while, and he's going to be a great dad.

[thejen626]

First, congrats. This will all work out!

I wanted to share my story, I think it will help you feel better. DH and I were in a very solid place before we TTC. It ended up taking us 2 years to get pregnant. During that time, I got laid off twice. We spent through all of our savings. We ran up a little bit of credit card debt. Then when we were at our brokest point...I got pregnant. It was shocking. We were purposely "taking a break" because we weren't comfortable financially. Our daughter is 4.5 now, and we've had financial highs and lows over the last ~5 years. However, she (and her little sister) make us so happy, and are truly the lights in our lives. Having loads of money doesn't make parenting any easier, trust me. You will always have ups and downs.

Go buy some prenatal vitamins, and figure out a health insurance plan. You'll figure it out! Good luck to you!

[Deleted]

Hmmm. Health insurance may also be possible through your DH--it would start at the beginning of the year. And I'm pretty sure that with the new healthcare laws, it is no longer allowed for group plans to exclude pre-existing conditions even for people who have lapses in health insurance.

Anyway, if you can do a government program, do it. If not, see what you can find for a visit or two now and try to get on your husband's plan for the new year.

The rest should really be doable. Honestly buying a house is way more of a pain than it is cracked up to be. There's nothing wrong with living in a rental if that's what works best for you right now. And it's nice you can live with family for now and pay off some debt.

Good luck!

[Kore]

How did last night go, J? How are you feeling this morning?

[Deleted]

As a non-parent I can't provide as much help (any) with the kid stuff, but I am pretty good at budgets. If you want to post yours, I bet we can find some ways for you to save and be in an even stronger position.

And, I think you are in a great place not having to pay for housing, and candidly that may be an even better position than being a homeowner when you have your first kid. You can spend the first few years when baby is little learning and makinng a list of what you would want in your family home, while you save up and keep an eye on the market.

I would also strongly recommend you save for 20% down, which I appreciate can be a daunting number, but will put you in an even more powerful position when you are ready to buy. It also ensures that you are buying a home you can afford, more than likely.

Good luck, and please keep posting on here!

[Deleted]

Also, Jamie, this might be worth a read - an interesting take on parenthood and the cost of raising kids:

www.mrmoneymustache.com/2011/05/26/what-is-the-real-cost-of-raising-children/

[cajunmom]

I had to get on Medicaid when I was pg with my first. I was 22 so wasn't eligible to be on my parent's plan, and H and I were engaged but not yet married so I couldn't get on his. It was simple to get coverage, you just have to make the time to go do it. They required a few parenting classes, but I'm not sure if that is still the case because this was 11 years ago.

I picked my doctor off the list of doctors in our area that accepted Medicaid and luckily I really liked him. He's still my ob/gyn 11 years later. I live in the same area as Kore if you do, too. I'd be happy to give you his name if you'd like.

Good luck with whatever you decide. It's scary and nerve-wracking but if you have support you can do it.

[jamie]

I was half-asleep when H got home so I just let him go to bed because I still wasn't mentally ready to tell him. I woke up somewhere around 4am and stared at him until around 5:30 when I finally woke him up and told him. I don't think he believed me at first, but when I started crying he was like, "Wait, you're really pregnant?!" It took a few minutes of him calming me down before I could voice my fears/disappointments. And because I married the world's most perfect person (for me), he just smiled and said, "Babe! We're having a baby!"

I'm feeling a little better about the situation today, and hopefully we can start making some plans. I have to tell my work first thing Monday. I work in the animal medical field, so there are lots of things I can't do/be exposed to. It shouldn't be a problem, as I am highly valued. We'll just have to make some adjustments and switch responsibilities around. I wouldn't be able to get on H's insurance until January during open enrollment. I'm going to look into Medicaid on Monday, see who accepts it, make an appointment, etc.

@shoegal I posted my budget a few weeks ago, to which you had great suggestions (as did the rest of the board.) I was the one with the long commute if that rings a bell. We've been making some changes, and I'll repost for more suggestions once we finish implementing the ones I got last time.

[DirtySouth]

There is never a right time to have a baby. Never. No matter what your situation, you will always feel like there is something you need to do before you are actually ready. Sometimes I even envy people who have an oops because we really struggle with when to have #2 and worry about the timing being right, and I think if we wait for the perfect time, it probably won't ever happen because there is no such thing. Having a first child is terrifying for everyone, even when planned, because it's such a big change and responsibility. However, once you wrap your head around things and especially once that baby is here, you will thank God for this oops because it's the best thing that ever happened to you. The good news is you have 9 months to plan and that's a lot of time to work on debt and get prepared. You are going to be okay. Congrats!!

[jamie]

I really and truly appreciate everyone's kind words and reassurances. I'll definitely update you all on how it goes, especially since it will mostly likely be several weeks before we tell people IRL. Thanks again

[Deleted]

jamie, that's right, I remember your budget post now. So glad to read about your H's reaction, too!! Bet that makes you feel much better. Congratulations!!

[thejen626]

Aw I'm so happy he reacted that way! Congrats!!

[sent]

Congrats! I felt the same way like you back in May when I had the "uh oh why is my period late" moment. We weren't going to try until early next year when I had planned to have all these career related things squared away by then.

I am 17 weeks and we still have yet to tell a lot of people IRL including my husband's extended family who will be told at 19 weeks. They are going to have a cow when they find out we waited so long.  But it's more fun this way.  

[heygrey]

just wanted to offer my support!

I was less than thrilled when I found out I was pregnant at the end of June, even though we had discussed having kids adnauseum and flirted with the idea for a few months before deciding we were NOT trying. (and of course that was when I actually got pregnant, lol.) h was SO excited and that helped ease my fears a lot. having had 8 weeks to get used to the idea and figure out a plan has helped a lot too.

come join us on MMM!

[gibbinator]

Aug 17, 2013 11:23:18 GMT -5 jamie said:

I really and truly appreciate everyone's kind words and reassurances. I'll definitely update you all on how it goes, especially since it will mostly likely be several weeks before we tell people IRL. Thanks again

Glad your husband was excited and talked y down. Now come on over to MMM :-) we'd love to have you.

[Deleted]

Big hugs, deep breaths and congrats. It will work out!

[wannabe]

Your husband's reaction was perfect!

Congrats!