funeral ettiquette

[cereal K]

the mother of one of my team members (reports to me) passed away on friday. *fuck cancer* she was 89. i just searched and found the obit. there's a mass on 8/31 followed by a private interment. 

we'll be sending a memorial from work. i'll send a card and memorial personally as well.

should i go? obvs. only to the mass since the burial is private. 

she's only worked for our company since january, and can be a pretty private person. i would go to show support, but don't want to overstep or be weird. 

what say you, ML?

[wambam]

I probably wouldn't unless she is your friend outside of work. I think a card or flowers would be a nice gesture though.

[Deleted]

Nobody from work showed up when my mom died. That hurt. I would have appreciated if someone had taken the time to attend. In my grief, I felt a little ignored by my CWs.

[hisno1girl]

Aug 18, 2013 20:06:32 GMT -5 cereal K said:

the mother of one of my team members (reports to me) passed away on friday. *fuck cancer* she was 89. i just searched and found the obit. there's a mass on 8/31 followed by a private interment. 

we'll be sending a memorial from work. i'll send a card and memorial personally as well.

should i go? obvs. only to the mass since the burial is private. 

she's only worked for our company since january, and can be a pretty private person. i would go to show support, but don't want to overstep or be weird. 

what say you, ML?

This makes me think you should not attend. If she's a private person, she may not want a CW to see her grieving.

[underwaterrhymes]

I would go.

[tulip]

When FIL passed H and I were so touched when his boss and a few coworkers came to the service. We even had a few that came to the viewing the night before. It was a smallish company and everyone worked close together on most aspects. I would go, the support for the family and close friends really makes a difference.

[Captain Serious]

I say go. Everyone mourns differently and you never know what she may want, but if you go, she'll never feel hurt or slighted by that. If you don't go, she might, and I know that's the kind of hurt that's hard to let go. If she really needs time alone, I;m sure she'll find plenty of it. The mass is the one part that's public, everything else is private.

[revolution]

When my dad passed, I was glad my coworkers came to his viewing. I did express to my boss who passed the word that I did not want anyone at the funeral and burial. I didn't need my coworkers watching me break down during the eulogy and burial. I did appreciate their support at the viewing.

I think you should send something and if there is a viewing go to that.

Also, reach out to her when she comes back to work. It's a lonely feeling.

[CheshireGrin]

Usually if it's someone I don't know well (or someone I only know through a friend/relative) I will go to a wake or viewing if there is one but not the funeral. I think it's nice to show up briefly and show your support, but I feel like an actual funeral is more personal.

[Deleted]

I would go.

[WOT?*]

I don't think being there is overstepping. I'm the type, though, that would show up and if she acknowledges me, I'd offer my condolences on her loss. If she ignored me, I'd think she was lost in her grief and didn't want to acknowledge me. I don't think she'll be paying attention to whether you're there or not, but she'll at least know there are people who cared enough to show up and the chairs aren't empty.

It's possible that she's private because she's new and feeling her way.  And on top of being new, she's dealing with an ill mother and doesn't want to deal with illness and death with people that aren't familiar to her.  But being there might open a door, letting her know that her co-workers care enough to be there for her in a really tough time.

[Captain Serious]

Aug 18, 2013 20:38:16 GMT -5 WOT?* said:

I don't think being there is overstepping. I'm the type, though, that would show up and if she acknowledges me, I'd offer my condolences on her loss. If she ignored me, I'd think she was lost in her grief and didn't want to acknowledge me. I don't think she'll be paying attention to whether you're there or not, but she'll at least know there are people who cared enough to show up and the chairs aren't empty.

It's possible that she's private because she's new and feeling her way.  And on top of being new, she's dealing with an ill mother and doesn't want to deal with illness and death with people that aren't familiar to her.  But being there might open a door, letting her know that her co-workers care enough to be there for her in a really tough time.

All of this.

[cereal K]

thanks to all. i think i will go.

the obit didn't mention a visitation. if so, i would go to that and skip the funeral. i think there are one or two other people at work that work closely with her on her team that may also go, so i'll talk to them tomorrow about going, too.