Family visiting when baby is born

[Jalapeñomel]

It's up to you, if you want them around or not. My mom is coming right after the baby is born, and she will be staying with us. DH's folks will come shortly afterwards, and they will probably rent a hotel room (although maybe not, not sure yet).

[VillainV]

I'm starting to think about this too. I plan on asking my sister and SIL about how much help my mother/MIL were, respectively, to see whether I want them to come out right away to help or not. I'm leaning towards my mother, but probably not my MIL right away.

[BaliHai]

In your position, I'd probably let them come and stay with the understanding that I would not be playing host. I'd ask my husband to take care of that if and when he could, but truthfully I'd expect them to realize/know that it's not realistic while adjusting to having a newborn and you healing from delivery.

I think what it comes down to, though, is boundaries. You don't want his family constantly underfoot or being pushy or having them stay there 24/7 will probably be a nightmare. I think it's reasonable to have your H talk to his Mom, or both of you talk to her on speakerphone, and discuss expectations and anticipated needs. As long as they're willing to comply, I think having them stay with you could be really beneficial.

[Cheesecake]

I obviously don't know what works for you, but I'm fairly strict in my all family is equal policies and would feel like if I let onr side of the family stay with me, I should let the others stay too.
That said, they.already know that right after the baby is born, no-one is welcome in my home for more than a max 2 hour visit and I won't be scheduling more than 2 visits a day and not more than 4 people at the same time (provided DH is home, otherwise length of visit and amount of people will be cut in half.)
I know I'm prone to hosting when I have visitors and want/need to avoid that at all cost...

Sent from my Xperia Z, please don't mind typos!

[Cheesecake]

Aug 22, 2013 9:20:02 GMT -5 swizz said:

Aug 22, 2013 9:14:37 GMT -5 Cheesecake said:

That said, they.already know that right after the baby is born, no-one is welcome in my home for more than a max 2 hour visit and I won't be scheduling more than 2 visits a day and not more than 4 people at the same time (provided DH is home, otherwise length of visit and amount of people will be cut in half.)

This sounds overly complicated.

Not sure why. I'll just kick 'em out (nicely) when they're overstaying their welcome. And they should understand that as a new mom my priority isn't entertaining guests.
Also, people know not to visit me without a prior appointment - I always have a no walk-ins policy, which won't change with a baby. If someone calls and says 'the 5 of us want to visit' on a day/time that DH isn't there, I'll just tell them that's not convenient and offer other times/days or ask them not to come as one big group.

Sent from my Xperia Z, please don't mind typos!

[Cheesecake]

Aug 22, 2013 9:38:31 GMT -5 @callmefia said:

Aug 22, 2013 9:20:02 GMT -5 swizz said:

This sounds overly complicated.

I suspect it is about setting boundaries with some people. This seems like a decent plan to me if you need to warn people in advance.

Yep, that's it. I have too damn many people in my life who don't get visiting etiquette and are blind to it's time to go cues. Like the people who, after I've been yawning for an hour and finally said it's way past my bedtime, I'm going to bed just say 'okay' and pour themselves another drink... (And that's happened before with both friends and parents, unfortunately!)

Sent from my Xperia Z, please don't mind typos!

[Yankees21]

I think it all depends on your relationship and what type of person they are. I'm sure my mom will come after the birth and stay in my house, but we are very close and she is extremely helpful, so I know she will cook, clean, etc. If they are the type of people that will want to be entertained/waited on, I would put them up in a hotel if you can afford it.

[ilikedonuts]

Hell would freeze over before I had people stay with me when I got home from the hospital with a newborn. I think it very much though depends on your personality and how well you like/get along with the people who would be staying with you.

Someone with no boundaries who is a PITA? Um... no. You are already going to be oversensitive about things. If you want to BF, they are always going to be people around and you'll either have to be comfortable doing it in front of them from the get go or go hide in another room.

[Stingyshark]

No one is welcome to stay with us. ever. 

I can't have my MIL here; She has no concept of boundaries. She told multiple people we were pregnant even though we asked her explicitly not to tell anyone. Next time she will not be finding out so early. 

DH is responsible for telling her she can't stay here.  


I'm not sure what to do about my Mom. I told her I don't want anyone here for a few days after we bring baby home. I don't think I would mind if she came over for a few days after DH goes back to work, but MIL is absolutely not welcome for any length of time; I'm just not sure how to make that work without feelings getting hurt and without making the gap between me & MIL even larger. 

[rex]

No one is staying with me when I have a newborn, nevermind pushy ILs who don't understand boundaries.

You should be focused on resting and recovering when you get home.

[snickers]

H's parents will be coming, and they will be staying elsewhere. Their lifestyle is very different than ours, I there is no way I will be comfortable having them in my home during this time.

[browneyedgirl9]

I would be waaaay too overwhellmed having people stay at my house after the baby was born. I would want to just have my husband and myself, so that we can get adjusted to this new life together. It would also drive me nuts if people were trying to give advise (when its not wanted), or take over. Not sure if your IL's would do that, but mine would.

[JayhawkGirl]

To meridas point about leaving when you want, also feel free to say I need to nurse (or pump), can we have some privacy please? Let the guests relocate to the guest room for a while.

My family is all local and would go take care of the dogs, go to the kitchen, go upstairs and do a load of laundry- I was not going to unsettle myself and the baby every time we needed privacy.

Also, hand them your grocery list/target list and credit card. Let them run errands. It will get them out of the house and give you some peace and quiet

[ilikedonuts]

Aug 22, 2013 10:28:19 GMT -5 browneyedgirl9 said:

I would be waaaay too overwhellmed having people stay at my house after the baby was born. I would want to just have my husband and myself, so that we can get adjusted to this new life together. It would also drive me nuts if people were trying to give advise (when its not wanted), or take over. Not sure if your IL's would do that, but mine would.

I seriously wanted to punch my MIL in the face repeatedly because after DD was born she would constantly be like "well we didn't do that. we did blah blah blah" "well why are you doing that?" "well that's weird." F-ing shut the hell up, woman! This was just with visits like once a week.

[pixiedust]

Aug 22, 2013 10:02:51 GMT -5 Stingyshark said:

I'm not sure what to do about my Mom. I told her I don't want anyone here for a few days after we bring baby home. I don't think I would mind if she came over for a few days after DH goes back to work, but MIL is absolutely not welcome for any length of time; I'm just not sure how to make that work without feelings getting hurt and without making the gap between me & MIL even larger. 

This.  And DH still doesn't seem to fully realize that Mom =/= MIL.  He wants things to be "fair," but some things are obviously inherently not.  It doesn't help that he is an only child, and FIL has never been in DH's life...

[Stingyshark]

Aug 22, 2013 10:59:51 GMT -5 pixiedust said:

Aug 22, 2013 10:02:51 GMT -5 Stingyshark said:

I'm not sure what to do about my Mom. I told her I don't want anyone here for a few days after we bring baby home. I don't think I would mind if she came over for a few days after DH goes back to work, but MIL is absolutely not welcome for any length of time; I'm just not sure how to make that work without feelings getting hurt and without making the gap between me & MIL even larger. 

This.  And DH still doesn't seem to fully realize that Mom =/= MIL.  He wants things to be "fair," but some things are obviously inherently not.  It doesn't help that he is an only child, and FIL has never been in DH's life...

Thankfully DH fully realizes his mom is ... just the way she is.

[runblondie26]

It all depends on your relationship with your relatives. In my experience, only let the nearest and dearest stay. It's great to have help if your comfortable with them and they really are willing to dive in and help.

It was wonderful having my mom around to help after DD wasborn. She stayed for about 2 weeks, kept the house in order, and taught me the ropes on handling a newborn.

Then my inlaws came for a week and it was a lot more awkward. Sitting in living room watching TV while  attached to a breast pump, NBD around my mom. Not so much around MIL and SIL. They're great people, but like you, I still felt like they were guests and I had to play host. Better to let others stay once the dust has settled.

[kelle017]

Aug 22, 2013 9:38:48 GMT -5 Cheesecake said:

Aug 22, 2013 9:20:02 GMT -5 swizz said:

This sounds overly complicated.

Not sure why. I'll just kick 'em out (nicely) when they're overstaying their welcome. And they should understand that as a new mom my priority isn't entertaining guests.
Also, people know not to visit me without a prior appointment - I always have a no walk-ins policy, which won't change with a baby. If someone calls and says 'the 5 of us want to visit' on a day/time that DH isn't there, I'll just tell them that's not convenient and offer other times/days or ask them not to come as one big group.

Sent from my Xperia Z, please don't mind typos!

This would describe my father in law. He came over the day after H had knee surgery.  He's in pain and FIL wants to give him a bible lesson.  I'm even saying to H how he looks tired and H is saying how awful he feels and FIL just keeps going on.  

Earlier this month he showed up unannounced (actually 3 weeks in a row), dh was in his boxers and I was dressed but braless.  We were just watching tv.  He can see us from the front door and instead of leaving or waiting  he uses his key to open the door.  UGH!

He's a nice guy but has no social skills/can't read cues either.  H had to finally ask him to call ahead before coming over.  I didn't want that kind of thing happening while I'm trying to nurse with boobs out etc...  And it wouldn't phase him.  I'd get a 20 minute sermon on how beautiful it is that the baby is suckling my breast (and I'm pretty sure he would phrase it just like that, haha)

[callie]

Unless you are as comfortable with them as you are your family, they should stay at a hotel.

For us, anyone was welcomed at the hospital but once we came home I didn't want anyone over to the house but my mom for the first two weeks. Is it fair to the IL's/MIL? No, but that's life. I was going to be breast feeding, walking around braless and half dressed. I did not want to worry about being "decent".

As for keeping it fair with regards to some family staying at your house and others staying at hotels, we've come across the same thing with planning Christmas. When it comes down to it, my mom can't afford a hotel and everyone else, including my other family members, can. So she's staying with us and everyone else is getting a hotel. It's more about means not fairness.

[redpenmama]

Hotel! We are in the same position with both families out of state. Last time, my FIL and mother were here like within 24 hours of DD being born. Then, my SIL and dad arrived a few days later, and H's uncle and grandmother came too. I was totally overwhelmed (only my parents were staying with us). I was hormonal, sleep deprived, and a general mess, and having a house full of people visiting and watching me nurse my newborn was totally overwhelming, to the point where I had a total breakdown in front of my FIL and SIL and they awkwardly left to go to their hotel.

No one expected me to entertain or play host, but the sheer volume of guests in and out at a time when you're trying to bond with your baby, figure out how to do this, etc. is just a lot to handle. You can't avoid visitors entirely -- can't really tell your in-laws they can't come meet their grandchild -- but I strongly recommend minimizing the number of people staying with you to help save your sanity.

[blushing]

My mom is coming for 6 weeks this time. Starting 2 weeks before due date. This is to help with DS and last time she was a great help. I have never been so thankful for my mom as I was the first night I was home with DS. I had not slept since the Wednesday night, DS was born Thursday night and Friday night in the hospital the 3 other babies in the room screamed all night. (In the UK 4 women and their babies share a room) She literally took my baby from me, fed me, and sent me to bed. She woke me up when I needed to feed, but otherwise she kept DS in her room all night. And then she did all the shopping, cooking and cleaning for the week and then she flew home. It was awesome having her there. Her focus was on taking care of me so that I could care for my baby. She taught me things that aren't in any of the books.

My 2 sisters and then step father were staying with us at the time as well. That was too much, and I won't repeat that again. This time its just my mom and her primary job will be to get DS to school and back.

My inlaws will come visit probably when number 2 is around 3-4 months old. Thats what they did last time.

[Amy]

There's no way I'd let anyone stay at our house right after - last time my in laws stayed at a hotel when they came about 3 weeks after (my mom is local) - it's such a stressful and exhausting time. No matter what your relationship is with your inlays, you aren't going to feel 100% comfortable in your home. If they can't afford a hotel, I'd either offer to pay for it or tell them they'd have to come later (like a month later) as you and your new family will be needing some private time to figure everything out.

[winecheery]

I'm sorry but I'd decline having guests stay over that soon. MIL isn't coming til mid October to stay for a week, and she's helpful and lovely.

I just told my mom today about our game plan for the delivery, and while she'll be in the room, we want a private moment with just DH, baby and I after she comes out, and then I hope to get a few visits in with close friends and family at the hospital where timing is regulated.

Then we will go into seclusion for about a week when we get home. And when we do start having guests over, they will certainly be hosting themselves. My mom fully understands and supports this; I have yet to share this with my sisters or friends, but I'm hopeful they understand too.

[shelbyann]

We don't live in the same time zone as either of our families, so I haven't worried too much about this. We do have some close friends here and I would be happy to have them visit in the hospital once we're settled in recovery.

Ideally, my mom and MIL will each fly out to visit and help out (but not at the same time) after the baby comes, but maybe not RIGHT after? I haven't discussed any of this with either of them yet.