Post by largemargesentme on Jun 19, 2012 21:12:38 GMT -5
I'm here looking for some advice. I know there is a TIP board but I thought I'd post here instead. DH and I have been married for almost 6 years. We get along great, are good partners with everything that we do, have similar expectations for house/money, etc. We hang out a lot, do stuff together, blah blah blah. The problem is that I just don't know if I am in love. I don't look at him and think, wow, how did I get so lucky? I like having company, but I don't love his personality. (Oh my I can't believe I'm even typing this.) Sometimes I'm content with his presence and sometimes I just feel annoyed for no reason at all. He is such a good guy-- responsible, has a good job, wants to make me happy. I am so confused whether these can be normal relationship feelings or if I am just fooling myself. I am having a lot of anxiety about it lately and sometimes find myself barely taking in any breaths. When I picture someone who I would marry, it was a big, jovial, outgoing guy. This is pretty much the opposite of my husband. But I don't want to give something up that is just bound to repeat itself again in the future. I am very scared because I am 32 and I feel the biological clock ticking. I feel like by the time we divoriced and found someone new, it very well could be too late to have kids. Right now that is #1 on my priority/life wants list. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.
My advice is: Get thee to a counselor! I sometimes think Hollywood fucked us all up with their idea of love. I don't expect marriage to be super fun and exciting all the time and I assume I'll loathe my partner a little here and there. Relationships are a lot of work and we all grow and change, hopefully together. I think counseling can help you sort of why you're feeling this way and help you make a well thought out decision.
Also, stick around! There's a lot of really awesome ladies (and guy) here!
Post by largemargesentme on Jun 19, 2012 21:28:02 GMT -5
Thank you so much for the warm welcome. I should add that we've been in counseling for..oh, 2 years now. We've worked on some issues, like communication. We also have a crappy sex life, which we keep working on but it never changes. I know relationships have normal ups and downs but I feel like I should feel like what would I do without him? I have this CONSTANT thought in my mind, wondering if I made a mistake. It only goes away if I'm busy doing something. But when I imagine my life without him, I can't imagine that either.... I am driving myself crazy. Oh, I also went to an individual counselor for a long time. Her advice was that, in the end, there is no right or wrong answer, you guys have to decide. She advised to get pregnant and have some kids and that I don't have to know right now if I want to stay or not. Since I want to have kids, and he's as good a man/father as any, I just need to do this.
Post by largemargesentme on Jun 19, 2012 21:33:05 GMT -5
I also want to add that I am going through a phase where I am really jealous of people who are on their second marriages. Everyone I know who is divorced and remarried is ridiculously happy. I feel like I am so much more confident now and would make different decisions. I feel like people learn from their mistakes the first time around.
No offense, but that doesn't seem like sound advice from a counselor and I say that not only as someone on this board, but as someone studying to be a counselor. Having kids is a life-changing decision and if you do end up divorcing, they make the situation much stickier. My suggestion is to resume individual therapy with a different counselor and figure out why you're having these feelings. Your last post makes me wonder, are a lot of people you know currently on their second marriages? Remember the grass always looks greener from the other side, but it still needs to be mowed. Not that you shouldn't leave, but I think you need to figure out why you're feeling this way regardless of what you do.
No offense, but that doesn't seem like sound advice from a counselor and I say that not only as someone on this board, but as someone studying to be a counselor. Having kids is a life-changing decision and if you do end up divorcing, they make the situation much stickier. My suggestion is to resume individual therapy with a different counselor and figure out why you're having these feelings. Your last post makes me wonder, are a lot of people you know currently on their second marriages? Remember the grass always looks greener from the other side, but it still needs to be mowed. Not that you shouldn't leave, but I think you need to figure out why you're feeling this way regardless of what you do.
This! That is BAD advice from a counselor!! I would strongly recommend NOT having kids with someone if you're not sure you want to stay with him. I'm glad you went through some counseling already, but I second the find a new counselor!
Also, I have been married twice (there are a few of us here) and the second time around was not very happy or magical, even though I had learned from my first marriage!
No offense, but that doesn't seem like sound advice from a counselor and I say that not only as someone on this board, but as someone studying to be a counselor. Having kids is a life-changing decision and if you do end up divorcing, they make the situation much stickier. My suggestion is to resume individual therapy with a different counselor and figure out why you're having these feelings. Your last post makes me wonder, are a lot of people you know currently on their second marriages? Remember the grass always looks greener from the other side, but it still needs to be mowed. Not that you shouldn't leave, but I think you need to figure out why you're feeling this way regardless of what you do.
Uh, yeah, ITA. I say this as I am a licensed clinical social worker (therapist). Having kids is not sound advice. Unless you are leaving out a lot or her advice was taken out of context, I would find a new counselor.
Question: why did you fall in love with him to begin with? What made you want to marry him? I know that you had this vision in your head of what you thought you wanted but obviously you chose differently and I am wondering why.
Post by phoenixrising on Jun 20, 2012 6:44:15 GMT -5
I just have to chime in with a WTF regarding that advice from your counselor. I think that you would benefit from talking to a new one, separate from the one you see with your H, who actually has a clue. Having a baby will NEVER fix a marriage, and it is unfair to a child to place that expectation on him or her.
I have to say that I felt this way about my H but would never have done anything about it. In fact, I just buried my head in the sand and figured I would live a fulfilling life in some other way. And then he had an affair, and this gave me the "out" I needed. I am starting over at the age of 36. I may never get married again or have kids, but I also will not be in a relationship that drains the life out of me every day.
It is NOT an easy decision to make. A GOOD therapist will be able to help you really look at what you have and what you want and make a decision. Sometimes, it takes several tries to find a good therapist that you click with. And a good therapist will actually ask you after your first session if you feel like you clicked with him or her. I was lucky that I found someone on my first try, but some people try two or three before they find "the one."
Definitely stick around here! We all have come from different circumstances and are in different stages of the process, and the voice of experience that some of these ladies have is so valuable to those of us going through the early stages of things.
Post by marigoldgirl on Jun 20, 2012 9:20:49 GMT -5
You should not have a child with a man you are not committed to. That is wrong to do to him. It seems to me that you are talking about how you feel with your husband and how you might feel with another man. I think you need to work on how you feel about yourself regardless of a man.
Kids NEVER save a marriage. NEVER. I found out I was pregnant when XH and I were having problems (believe me, we weren't trying). Things just got worse and we separated when DS was a month old, divorced just after DS turned 9 months. If we did not have DS, I would have cut all ties with him once we divorced. But now I am stuck with him for the rest of my life. Just don't. Wait until you know for sure how your marriage is and FFS find a better counselor.
What I understood from her post was that she no longer goes to the counselor that told her to get pregnant. I might be reading it wrong.
I still think you need to change counselors. You are freaking stuck. You are not moving forward and it just shows that this counselor is not working for your right now. Maybe you need someone who helps you to push harder for you to fix your problems or help you understand that you are not right for each other. Its been 2 years, IMHO you should be seeing important changes.
I'm rather horrified that you'd have a child with someone you're not sure you want to be with, or to stay with someone you dont love just so you get to be mommy. That's incredibly selfish, not only to any children but to your H. You are willing to use him to get what you want and you're willing to use your children to fill some hole inside of you. I can't get past that to give you any advice beyond the fact that you need some serious counseling. And not from the quack you've been seeing. FFS!
Have you EVER felt the way you should about him? Or are your feelings of uncertainty more recent?
Ditto counseling. If that doesn't help maybe he's not the one for you. The anxiety is a clear sign that things are not right. And even though you are 32 that's still very young. You shouldn't settle just because you're too afraid of the unknown.
My advice is: Get thee to a counselor! I sometimes think Hollywood fucked us all up with their idea of love. I don't expect marriage to be super fun and exciting all the time and I assume I'll loathe my partner a little here and there. Relationships are a lot of work and we all grow and change, hopefully together. I think counseling can help you sort of why you're feeling this way and help you make a well thought out decision.
Also, stick around! There's a lot of really awesome ladies (and guy) here!
I'm not even going to scroll down to the rest as I absolutely agree with this. We set HIGH expectations for what love/marriage "should" be and when it doesn't go like we planned or we just sorta fall out of that exciting love feeling? We think we should give up and get out. While I agree that everyone deserves to be happy, I think it's worth sorting through what's going on to determine what you should do next. In my opinion, just not "feeling it" doens't make it an excuse to get out. I think being married is worth respecting it enough to work through and realize that EVERYONE goes through tough times and rough patches. Not to say this is only that, but it's worth working on/through.
My advice is: Get thee to a counselor! I sometimes think Hollywood fucked us all up with their idea of love. I don't expect marriage to be super fun and exciting all the time and I assume I'll loathe my partner a little here and there. Relationships are a lot of work and we all grow and change, hopefully together. I think counseling can help you sort of why you're feeling this way and help you make a well thought out decision.
Also, stick around! There's a lot of really awesome ladies (and guy) here!
I'm not even going to scroll down to the rest as I absolutely agree with this. We set HIGH expectations for what love/marriage "should" be and when it doesn't go like we planned or we just sorta fall out of that exciting love feeling? We think we should give up and get out. While I agree that everyone deserves to be happy, I think it's worth sorting through what's going on to determine what you should do next. In my opinion, just not "feeling it" doens't make it an excuse to get out. I think being married is worth respecting it enough to work through and realize that EVERYONE goes through tough times and rough patches. Not to say this is only that, but it's worth working on/through.
Oh, should haev scrolled down re: counseling. WTF??
I second everyone else-they gave sound advice. Don't have a kid to solve a problem in a relationship.