If you have a step-parent...

[7costanza]

What is your relationship with them like? And how is their relationship with your kids?

My parents divorced about 5 years ago, my mom is remarried and my dad has a serious girlfriend, but I don't really like either of them. My moms husband is SO excited to be a grandpa, and it makes me feel a bit weird to hear him call himself grandpa when I just met him a couple years ago. I'm just wondering if I'm a huge asshole for thinking this and wishing he would back off.

[meltoine]

No, you're not. Ask him to pick another name.

[catbus]

My stepfather has been in my life since I was three or four, so of course he's "grandpa" to E. I have no problem with that.

I can't say how I'd feel if my mom had remarried when I was an adult, but I think I'd be receptive to that man being called grandpa, as well. In my mind, it's not *my* relationship to him that determines grandparenthood, it's my son's. If the man is excited to be a grandparent and he's married to your mom, why can't he be a grandpa?

[ellipses84]

My stepdad can sometimes be an a-hole, so all of us kids have had issues with him in the past. However, he is a very good grandpa, the grandkids adore him, he adores them and babysits at least one of them once a week or more. They call him Papa instead of Grandpa.

[AmyRI]

There are 3 step parent grandparents for my kids. My step mother has no relationship with us. I haven't seen her in years and she's therefore never met the kids. My relationship with my dad is almost non existent.

My step father has been in my life almost 15 years, they have been married 10. I'm not his fan, but we get along fine and things steadily improve with time. He sees my kids at least once a month.

SMIL had met DS once when they visited last year. No other connection. We get along fine.

All 3 grandpas are grandpa. Now that DS is old enough to also use first names, we will do Grandpa Firstname so Ds knows who we're talking about. SMIL is grandma or Grandma Firstname. MIL passed away and my mother choose to be grammy, so no arguments about the name.

If it bothers you, be up front about the name. Just say your dad is Grandpa, and you don't want it to get confusing so pick a different one. Give him suggestions you like and just be polite. It's sweet that he wants to love your kids. Bonus grandparents are never a bad thing in my book.

[h]

Until recently I had two step-parents (my dad and his STBX are divorcing). Both have been in my life for the roughly the same amount of time--both my parents remarried when I was 18. My step-dad is awesome, and I consider him every bit my kids' grandfather. He spends a lot of time with my kids, and has watched them alone plenty of times. My former step-mom has been horrible to me from day one and has never had a relationship with my kids, despite the fact that my oldest was 4.5 by the time my dad's marriage broke up.

[zeewifeandmama]

I do have a step mom, but she's been my step mom since I was 7. Known her since I was 4. I happily gave her the "nanna" title. However, if it had only been 5 years, I agree that it would feel weird.

[gibbinator]

My step mom has been around since I was 12. She's great and while she has never been in a parenting role (dad didn't move in with her until I was in college) I consider her a second mom. She's more involved in Ds's life than my dad is, and loves being a Grammy.

I think your feelings are valid though since you probably want your actual dad to be grumpy. I like pp's suggestion of sitting him down to zombie up with an alternate title

[AmyRI]

Aug 24, 2013 4:44:25 GMT -5 gibbinator said:

I think your feelings are valid though since you probably want your actual dad to be grumpy. I like pp's suggestion of sitting him down to zombie up with an alternate title

I'm dying at the grumpy and zombie auto corrects

[zarapipe]

My step dad is pappi. He is a great grandfather and dd knows him as such. He has been in my life since I was 10. My nieces (his blood grandchildren) calls him the same name, which I like. Like the pp poster said, dd will only know him as a real grandpa so I like there is no name difference with dd and what her cousins call him.

My dad and I have a weird relationship. Dd calls him by his first name, his request. He isn't into kids- probably why we have a strained relationship- he isn't into kids, aka us when we were younger.

[gibbinator]

Aug 24, 2013 6:13:56 GMT -5 AmyRI said:

Aug 24, 2013 4:44:25 GMT -5 gibbinator said:

I think your feelings are valid though since you probably want your actual dad to be grumpy. I like pp's suggestion of sitting him down to zombie up with an alternate title

I'm dying at the grumpy and zombie auto corrects

Lol I didn't catch those two! I have a band-aid in my thumb, it's making smartphone typing very tricky.

[Deleted]

My stepdad has been around sine I was little. He is more of a parent to me than my bio dad. He is my child's grandparent as is my bio dad. My nephew calls him Hapa. He made it up because e can't say grandpa.

I think kids can use lots of grandparents. If you don't like calling him grandpa make up some other name.

[jenjen]

My moms husband (see I don't even call him my stepdad) has been around for probably 7 years. He's a nice guy but I know how he's (in the past) blown a lot of my moms money so its hard for me to get past that. He isn't grandpa to my nephews but a nickname for gpa followed by his commonly known nickname.

When I was pregnant my dad had a gf who didn't call herself gma to my baby and nephews but was acting as though she was part of the family (they had only dated a very short time)... So I had prepared to fight her on gma title. Luckily they broke up (she was CRAZY) so we didn't have to go down that road. So you are totally justified in your feelings and when the stepdad tries to call himself grandpa, I'd say "let's just wait to see what baby calls you when they are older". As much as people try to force certain nicknames on the kids, the often make up something on their own.

[mswax]

Aug 23, 2013 23:08:45 GMT -5 catbus said:

My stepfather has been in my life since I was three or four, so of course he's "grandpa" to E. I have no problem with that.

I can't say how I'd feel if my mom had remarried when I was an adult, but I think I'd be receptive to that man being called grandpa, as well. In my mind, it's not *my* relationship to him that determines grandparenthood, it's my son's. If the man is excited to be a grandparent and he's married to your mom, why can't he be a grandpa?

This. I do not consider or call my dad's wife my step-mother (they got married a few months before we did), but she is my kids grandma. As far as I'm concerned, if people want to love and dote on my kids, I'm not going to stop them.

[lilles]

I don't have step parents but I did have two step grandparents. We called them by their first names. They were married before I was born but still the distinction was made and we only called "grandma/grandpa name" our biological grandparents. Even though we loved them dearly it was made clear to us that our "real" grandparents were the ones we called grandma/grandma. We never had an issue with this and we had a great relationship with all our grandparents biological or not.

This is a huge issue for me because DHs has step parents and I do not feel that they should be called grandma or grandpa and then they started requesting to be called some ridiculous names which really annoyed me. DH felt it would be disrespectful not to called them grandma/grandpa so the girls call them that but we did say no to the ridiculous names.
Here is another way to see it. If your mom divorced your step dad would you still be in touch with him and visit? If not I would probably not call him grandpa. This was my issue with DH since he said he would not remain in touch with his stepparents if they got divorced so then why should we call them grandparents?

If you do not feel comfortable calling the man grandpa then don't.

[shellbear09]

My stepparents have been around a long time so I'm fine with it. I would feel weird in your situation too though. I think it's nice that he wants to be a grandpa though and maybe that will help your relationship with him. It's totally ok to ask him to use a different name or his first name

[statlerwaldorf]

My mom has a long term boyfriend. Dd calls him by his first name. He definitely plays a grandfather type role in her life even if he doesn't get a special name.

[Deleted]

DH has a step-mom. I know this is terrible to say but it's true, she is mean, manipulative, ridiculously dramatic, and selfish. I am soooo glad she has a biological grandchild to dote on now (her daughter's son). She asked to be called Nana, which I was thrilled about. DS sees my parents weekly at least, and I was thrilled that my mom is Grandma.

[7costanza]

Thank you all for the different perspectives. I had a step grandparent too that we called grandma (bio grandma died when my dad was young) and the other set of grandparents went by Papa and Ga. I hadn't thought of my relationship with her in relation to my sons relationship with my moms husband but it does help.

[catbus]

Aug 24, 2013 12:55:07 GMT -5 7costanza said:

Thank you all for the different perspectives. I had a step grandparent too that we called grandma (bio grandma died when my dad was young) and the other set of grandparents went by Papa and Ga. I hadn't thought of my relationship with her in relation to my sons relationship with my moms husband but it does help.

It's obviously a personal decision. My biological maternal grandfather was an abusive, alcoholic adulterer, and my grandmother divorced him when my mom and her siblings were young in the early '60s. She remarried the man I considered my grandfather a few years later, and my mom and aunt called him "dad." On my H's side, my MIL's mother died from cancer before H was born, when MIL was an adult in her early 20s. His grandfather remarried a wonderful woman, and H has always called her "grandma," but because MIL did know and love her biological mother quite well, she has always called her stepmother by her first name, even though she loves her stepmother. My story is similar with my stepfather; I love him, but my dad is very much in my life, so though I consider stepfather a father, he is not "dad"... but he is definitely "grandpa" to E, and I think E is lucky to have three grandpas.

[rex]

Well, I barely know my mom's wife but she's fine and has been with my mom for almost 20 years.

My other step-mother (dad's wife) is an awful person and I'm dreading my kid having to be around her. Luckily it seems like she doesn't give two shits about this kid so far so it may work out for me.

They are both being called normal grandparent names, which is fine because neither of them will see the kid very often. If I barely knew either step-parent I would prefer some other type of nickname.

[CallingAllAngels]

My mom married my stepfather in 2002, and he is "Pop Pop" to my kids. This is the same thing his kids' kids call him. I stuck with it mostly to avoid confusion (we are around my step siblings and their children regularly). It also means a lot to my mom. He is a nice guy and my kids love him. My son, who is 5, knows that he is not my father and that my dad is deceased.

[redheadk]

My dad has a long-term gf. I like her very much. She has her own kids so she is just friendly with us, not pushy. We just call her by her first name though I'm open to her having a nickname (but not "grandma" or anything like that).

My mom's grandma name is a nickname (CeCe) because we wanted to choose something that my (step)niece could call her, too. My niece's real grandmothers are just terrible and she only sees them rarely so my mom is very much a grandmother to her. Both my BIL and his ex-wife have really embraced my mom as a grandmother for her so I try to see it from that POV.

[gibbinator]

My step mom and I are not super close. She and my dad met because she was one of my elementary school friends' mom. So to me she was mostly "J's mom" rather than "step-mom". By the time they'd been together but not married for 10years, I was in university and had started referring to her as my step-mom even though I'd never lived with her and they are still not married (though they are common law of course). They've been together close to 20years by now so she's been in my life a long time.

I'm not close to her like I am with my real mom, but she's a fun woman, and we get along fine. I enjoy her company and she's always treated me and my sister well. She is more involved with DS than my shy, rather kid-awkward dad.

[speckledfrog]

I had a little bit of weirdness about my dad's wife being "Grandma" to my kid. It has to do with the fact that I don't see her as a stepmom (they've been married for less time than we have) but after I thought about it a bit, she will be a grandma to DS. That's their relationship and has more to do with her being married to my dad than it has anything to do with me. It would be weird to make them "Grandpa and that lady he's married to" when, in reality, she is my kid's grandma. Does that make sense?


ETA:  I'll add that she is so into the grandkids on my side of the family, just as much as she is with her own children's kids.

[sweetpea508]

I have a stepmom who has been around since I was 15 but we really, really don't get along but she loves my brother. She has told my Dad straight out she prefers boys more than girls. Of course now we are having a boy and she has already bought him a whole bunch of stuff. If she wants to be supportive of my son fine but for some reason giving her the title of grandma just irks me. I know its personal bias because we have such a bad relationship but its still hard for me to give her what I see as an important title. Plus, it pisses my Mom off knowing that he would be calling her grandma too. I'm not sure what we are going to do, probably concede and call her grandma but I'd much prefer to call her by her first name.

[arch01]

i adore my stepmom. she and my dad got married 11 years ago. she will be grandma first name, just like my mom will be.

[niq]

Aug 23, 2013 22:44:48 GMT -5 7costanza said:

What is your relationship with them like? And how is their relationship with your kids?

My parents divorced about 5 years ago, my mom is remarried and my dad has a serious girlfriend, but I don't really like either of them. My moms husband is SO excited to be a grandpa, and it makes me feel a bit weird to hear him call himself grandpa when I just met him a couple years ago. I'm just wondering if I'm a huge asshole for thinking this and wishing he would back off.

My parents divorced when I was 11 or 12. Dad remarried when I was 16, divorced again when I was 24, and has had two serious GFs since then. For a little while the actual stepmom was the "cool parent" but it turned out that she was a gold-digger and thought that I would get my high-school GF pregnant. At age 24 I was not allowed to sleep in the same bedroom as my GF when we came home for Xmas. wtf. Anyway, that's over. Apparently dad's current GF -- who named her son Courtney and used her H's last name -- was the catalyst for suggesting that we not merge our names for VCB (or that if we do, we should change our own names). She's a nice enough person, I don't really get what dad sees in the attraction, but it's his life, and I don't expect her to be a big contributor to VCB's life from 2800 miles away.

Msniq's stepdad is this great big bear of a guy. He loves his kids and his stepkids and thinks the world of them and is super cuddly with VCB. He is definitely "Grandpa G". We think it's great. Her ex-stepmom (don't get me started on the family "tree", it's more of a rhododendron, LOL) is involved in our lives but at a more distant level. Also fine with us, we're not really big on her.

How long ago did your mom remarry? Does he have kids? Are they at child-bearing age or close to it? Have you heard those kids talk about their plans wrt kids? Are you the first of his "kids" to have children? Do you like your mom's husband as a person in general?

[osulori]

FIL has been married to wife #3 (MIL was wife #1, they divorced 25ish years ago) since 2005, and they've been together for a little longer than J and I (so 11.5 years give or take a bit). Our relationship with her is superficial at best-she has what we are fairly certain is a drinking problem and while she's been somewhat annoying at times over the years she has pulled some bullshit in the last six months that has really pissed us both off (including something that J needs to discuss with his dad but hasn't yet had the opportunity).

Needless to say, we've hung out with her and FIL all of twice since AJ was born...as opposed to my parents, who live near FIL and SMIL about 20 mins away and who we see at least once a week. FIL and J don't have a bad relationship, they're just not super close-J fully admits that in a lot of ways he is closer to and more comfortable around my parents than he is FIL and SMIL. We'll see what AJ ends up calling his grandparents but he will probably end up calling SMIL "grandma" or something along those lines (unless FIL divorces her, and we wouldn't be too sad if that happened), though neither J nor I feel quite right about that. MIL passed away suddenly back in April, and he and I were both pretty close to her...it doesn't feel right to refer to SMIL by anything other than her first name because damnit MIL was his grandma (and my mom still is). But SBIL and SSIL's kids call FIL grandpa/papaw so I imagine shit will hit the fan big time if we push for AJ to call SMIL by her first name instead of something meaning "grandma". UGH.