Post by RoxMonster on Aug 24, 2013 15:49:02 GMT -5
H and I moved in together before we got engaged, but when we were at home, we each stayed at our prospective parents' houses (we lived together 2 hours away but are both from the same home town). My parents would have been OK with us staying in the same room but H's were not. I mean, they know we lived together and just wanted to be in denial about that but if we were in their house, we wouldn't share a room.
Honestly, if I'm in their house, I respect their rules. I may not have agreed with it, but if I don't like it, I can stay somewhere else. I don't know what I would do for my own kids because we aren't having kids. I would definitely not let a teenage (in HS) child have a boyfriend/girlfriend have slumber parties, but if they were adults and had an SO, I think I would probably be OK with them staying together in my house.
The only time I didn't sleep in the same room/bed as H was on Christmas our first year together (SIL did it early so we slept over at MILs house). I just couldn't sleep in a twin sized bed with H snoring in my ear. This was when we were dating.
My ILs forced us to stay in separate rooms until we got married. Even in our own home that we bought together. Yes, you read that right. In MY home. My relationship with my ILs is strained partly because of this and I was super pissed at DH for allowing it.
My parents didn't care, but DH cared about at least maintaining the appearance of innocence.
I don't get it.. why would you guys, if you know that your adult children are having sex with their bf/gf, make them sleep in different rooms?
Keeping up appearances. To me it's a WASP thing.
And I happily played along when I was that age too. To me, discussing my boyfriend sleeping in my room was the same as discussing where we were having sex which is not something I wanted to talk about with my mom.
Plus I'm generally a firm believer in "my house my rules." if an adult guest doesn't like setup the hosts have figured out for them they can get a hotel if they like. That is true no matter who the guest is.
My mom had a "no boys in your room unless you are engaged to them" rule. And was very strict about it until my cousins were staying with her for a few weeks and my sister brought home her then-boyfriend with whom she lived. My mom didn't have extra beds, so let them share my sister's room. But called me, all worried that her sister-in-law would judge her and not let my cousins come stay again. I pointed out that then my aunt would need to find someone else happy to watch her kids for weeks at a time.
When I brought H home, before we were living together, she asked me if I would prefer to share a room or have separate rooms. I told her that as it was her house, her rules, and I would do what she preferred. Her reply: "I'd rather only have one sets of sheets to wash, but if you aren't comfortable sharing a room, I'm happy to put you in separate rooms."
I do think separate rooms is more respectful, especially when you are still young. But I also think as adult children get older, it's probably easier to let them share a room with their SO. Sue Sue, I think you are an awesome mom for being so open with and supportive of your boys, but I think they are young enough that I would understand if you or your H wanted a separate rooms for boyfriends rule.
I don't get this. It's not like people usually have sex in their parents houses anyway, so most likely, it's just sleeping. I won't have sex if I have a peer houseguest in my own home. It would just be weird to have friends hear me banging. I mean, that happened in my youth, but it just feels classless now.
Post by mrs.jacinthe on Aug 24, 2013 17:01:31 GMT -5
We slept in separate rooms until married. We STILL don't sleep in the same bed at the ILs house, though. They consistently put us in the guest room with two twin beds and neither of us is comfortable sharing a twin bed.
I don't get the whole "maintain innocence to show respect" thing. How does everyone lying to each other (kids AND parents) show respect to anyone?
I think the respect thing is just respecting parents' rules of separate rooms.
To me it's not lying. It's simply not acknowledging it and perhaps not approving of it. If you put kids in the same room then both kids and parents are acknowledging it's happening and may feel as though it's a kind of approval.
Post by studytime45 on Aug 24, 2013 17:23:27 GMT -5
I'm eye-rolling a lot of these responses (I haven't read all 4 pages yet). My 20 year old boyfriend and I used to get it on at his parents' place all the time. We slept in the same bed. It was a big house and we were discreet. His parents (and mine) didn't care. We were adults.
I live with my boyfriend now, outside of our respective parents' homes, so it's not an issue anymore. Seriously, though? If you're fine with them having sex, they should be allowed to sleep in the same bed. My parents respected me enough to treat me like an adult when I was one, and I respected them enough to be discreet and safe about my escapades.
I'm eye-rolling a lot of these responses (I haven't read all 4 pages yet). My 20 year old boyfriend and I used to get it on at his parents' place all the time. We slept in the same bed. It was a big house and we were discreet. His parents (and mine) didn't care. We were adults.
I live with my boyfriend now, outside of our respective parents' homes, so it's not an issue anymore. Seriously, though? If you're fine with them having sex, they should be allowed to sleep in the same bed. My parents respected me enough to treat me like an adult when I was one, and I respected them enough to be discreet and safe about my escapades.
I feel that when someone lives at home, the voluntarily give up some of the adult freedoms that they otherwise might have. Want to do whatever you want? Live on your own. If your parents are still supporting you, you need to live by the house rules.
Post by dragonfly08 on Aug 24, 2013 17:44:28 GMT -5
I've been married to their son for 12 years and we have two kids, and I still don't sleep in the same room as DH when we visit the ILs! That's mostly because neither of the girls will sleep in my BILs old room/bed and I don't blame them, plus it's location right at the top of the hard wood, uncarpeted staircase gives me nightmares about one of them tumbling down in the middle of the night while trying to get to the bathroom. That means one of them has to be in the only full sized bed available, and for comfort I just climb in there with whichever kid chose that room.
But pre kids? Both my parents and ILs had "no sharing a room until you're married" policies. Same with my college BF, with whom I lived for a couple of years...if we were visiting each other at home, he gave up his room for me and slept on the couch at his mom's house, and used the guest room at my parents place. House rules.
Agree this isn't a gay issue, but rather one for respecting the comfort of your parents. My FI and I have been living together since 2010 and are engaged to be married (obviously, lol). When we visit his parents we still sleep in separate rooms. When they visit us, we give them our bed and we sleep on separate couches.
I wouldn't push your husband on this. Give him time. Your kid may be over the age of 18 but he's still very young and still dependent on you two, which makes him probably "seem" younger in your husband's eyes.
I'm eye-rolling a lot of these responses (I haven't read all 4 pages yet). My 20 year old boyfriend and I used to get it on at his parents' place all the time. We slept in the same bed. It was a big house and we were discreet. His parents (and mine) didn't care. We were adults.
I live with my boyfriend now, outside of our respective parents' homes, so it's not an issue anymore. Seriously, though? If you're fine with them having sex, they should be allowed to sleep in the same bed. My parents respected me enough to treat me like an adult when I was one, and I respected them enough to be discreet and safe about my escapades.
I feel that when someone lives at home, the voluntarily give up some of the adult freedoms that they otherwise might have. Want to do whatever you want? Live on your own. If your parents are still supporting you, you need to live by the house rules.
I understand that completely. I guess that just wasn't the case for me, and I'm a little shocked at how 'liberal' my upbringing was, apparently.
J and I live together. His mom knows it, but any time we visit her we have to stay in separate bedrooms. They're Mormon and we comply because its a respect thing.
Except that his mom takes ambien to sleep so we just wait til she's out cold and I join him in his room since there's a queen bed in his and a twin in mine.
What did you all do when you were living at home/having relationships, what will you do with your kids?
My in-laws had a "your engaged now, so it's okay to share a room" policy. My parents had a "you've been living together in Guatemala, and your engaged so you can share a room" policy. I don't know what we will do. I'm guessing DH will want her to be married or he must have known the significant other a loooooong time. Thanks to the repeal of Prop 8, marriage will be an option for her regardless of her chosen partner.
We were in separate rooms before we were engaged (we met and dated in college). Once we were engaged (DH was in law school and I was still in undergrad at the time), we shared a room.
Post by karmasabiotch on Aug 24, 2013 18:54:46 GMT -5
My Mom never would have let me have a boyfriend sleep in my room while I was in her house. She gave me the side eye when H and I moved in together while we were wedding planning and I was in my mid 30's.
Agree this isn't a gay issue, but rather one for respecting the comfort of your parents. My FI and I have been living together since 2010 and are engaged to be married (obviously, lol). When we visit his parents we still sleep in separate rooms. When they visit us, we give them our bed and we sleep on separate couches.
I wouldn't push your husband on this. Give him time. Your kid may be over the age of 18 but he's still very young and still dependent on you two, which makes him probably "seem" younger in your husband's eyes.
You are better than me. No way I wouldn't sleep in my own bed. At my own place.
My place my rules (as a 30 yr old). Their house their rules
They didn't make the rule or suggest it (at our apartment). However, I know their preferences and I'm happy to make them comfortable. I don't want my future in laws (who are very sweet people) to be uneasy while visiting us. It's a respect thing to me, and I'm happy to make them happy. It probably helps that they only visit for one weekend a year.
Both of our parents, who are pretty chill and cool, didn't allow us to sleep in the same beds until engaged. I really think it was because they didn't want to hear us having wild monkey sex. If we were going o do it, which we did, it would have to be in like the basement.
We always slept at family's houses in separate rooms/beds unless set up that way.
The first time I stayed with Jake's family they had me an entire floor away from him. They eased up after we moved in together and just put us in separate rooms lol.
My dad took longer to get used to us sleeping in the same bed after the wedding. Now that we have the kids it doesn't seem to phase him as much. Time.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Aug 24, 2013 20:59:51 GMT -5
My answer is that as soon as they leave for college, and as long as it is a bf/gf and not a random hook-up, they can share a room if they want.
I asked DH because I was pretty sure he would freak out and say separate rooms for lyfe. He surprised me and said he thought it was fine to share a room. He said it wold be harder for him with DD because she is a girl, but that he understands that isn't logical or reasonable, and wouldn't act on the urge, and that he just wants to protect her from what he perceived to be guys saying/doing anything to get in a girls' pants, and he doesn't want a boy to ever hurt her.
My parents didn't let us share a room before we were married, but we also lived in the me town as them so it didn't much come up. By the time my younger sis was in college, anything goes. At the in laws, we shared a room with two twin beds. And there was no Jesus in either of our families, so that probably makes a difference too.
My ILs forced us to stay in separate rooms until we got married. Even in our own home that we bought together. Yes, you read that right. In MY home. My relationship with my ILs is strained partly because of this and I was super pissed at DH for allowing it.
My parents didn't care, but DH cared about at least maintaining the appearance of innocence.
Sent from my SPH-L710 using proboards
I'm pretty sure I would not be marrying a guy who actually allowed himself to be steamrolled like this.