Adult children and sex

[Deleted]

I think keeping up an appearance of "innocence" is respectful to parents, even if everyone knows what is actually going on. He can share a room with boyfriends when he has his own place.

[isabel]

I'm a little confused. Like this guy that is staying over is actually a friend and nothing more, or he's a "friend" (i.e. boyfriend)? If he's actually just a friend (and I would hope DS would tell you guys) then I see no reason why they can't share a room. If the guy is a boyfriend, then your H's rules stand. Whether your son is gay or not has nothing to do with it. This is an issue of where the relationship line is drawn.

eta: Ok, maybe I'm just dumb. Seems like this kid is of the boyfriend variety. Therefore, I think your H is right. Neither my parents or H's parents allowed us to sleep in the same room while we were dating. We did sleep in the same room after we got engaged though.

[emsumm]

I had to stay in a separate room until we were married. My parents would more or less look the other way, but it was important to them so we complied.
My sister is gay. She definitely stayed in the same room with her girlfriend before she came out. Work it, sis! lol.

[AHappierHour]

I was allowed to sleep in the same room with my boyfriends. I will probably be more strict when it comes to my own children because I ended up PG at 19.

[winnied]

H's family is full of angels. There was never any one sleeping together before marriage EVAR. Certainly no bed sharing. Not even sleeping on the same floor of the house going on. Except for when H's mom died. No one was going to be a dick then about it.

My family also didn't allow us to sleep in the same room. This is super eye roll worthy considering my parents lived together before marriage.

[Deleted]

Aug 24, 2013 13:03:37 GMT -5 isabel said:

I'm a little confused. Like this guy that is staying over is actually a friend and nothing more, or he's a "friend" (i.e. boyfriend)? If he's actually just a friend (and I would hope DS would tell you guys) then I see no reason why they can't share a room. If the guy is a boyfriend, then your H's rules stand. Whether your son is gay or not has nothing to do with it. This is an issue of where the relationship line is drawn.

I disagree. If my 20 yr old son brought home a female friend, just a friend, I would most certainly expect them to sleep in separate rooms.

[sailorgray]

I'm with your H and wouldn't be okay with them sharing a room. Before my H and I married, we always slept in different rooms while visiting my parents. Yea, we lived together, but since it was their house, we followed their wishes. My H's family was okay with us sharing a room. I will probably be okay with my non-married sons sharing a room if I know they are serious with the person. They are only 4 and almost 2, though, so things may change.

[statlerwaldorf]

I might let them share a room if they had been dating for a while in a committed relationship. I would be more likely to let them share a room if they were older than college aged. I don't know that I have any real reason for it.

[isabel]

Aug 24, 2013 13:05:31 GMT -5 @stellasmom said:

Aug 24, 2013 13:03:37 GMT -5 isabel said:

I'm a little confused. Like this guy that is staying over is actually a friend and nothing more, or he's a "friend" (i.e. boyfriend)? If he's actually just a friend (and I would hope DS would tell you guys) then I see no reason why they can't share a room. If the guy is a boyfriend, then your H's rules stand. Whether your son is gay or not has nothing to do with it. This is an issue of where the relationship line is drawn.

I disagree. If my 20 yr old son brought home a female friend, just a friend, I would most certainly expect them to sleep in separate rooms.

Yeah, I suppose this is true. I wasn't thinking about the opposite sexuality.

[revolution]

At my parents house, we slept in separate rooms until we were engaged. I wasn't even allowed to have boys upstairs until I went to college and brought a boyfriend home... And he slept in a different room.

[MrsAggie]

I understand his struggle. My dad was the same way. DH didn't sleep in my room until we were married. It wasn't because my family had religious reasons. I think it's more "in your face" when they're sleeping together at home. I gave my mom the wtf face when she first told me the separate room request but after she explained, I sort of got it. Was my dad being kind of silly? Yes. I didn't mind going along with it though. I don't have kids so I can't imagine all of the things your DH is trying to accept about his little boy who is newly an adult.

[zoidberg]

I was out of the house by that age, but honestly, who wants to bang with their parents down the hall? Not hot.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not allow still at home kids (even if they are legal adults) to share a room. It's kind of an uncomfortable situation and I can understand parents not wanting to have to deal with it.

[Deleted]

Aug 24, 2013 13:05:31 GMT -5 @stellasmom said:

Aug 24, 2013 13:03:37 GMT -5 isabel said:

I'm a little confused. Like this guy that is staying over is actually a friend and nothing more, or he's a "friend" (i.e. boyfriend)? If he's actually just a friend (and I would hope DS would tell you guys) then I see no reason why they can't share a room. If the guy is a boyfriend, then your H's rules stand. Whether your son is gay or not has nothing to do with it. This is an issue of where the relationship line is drawn.

I disagree. If my 20 yr old son brought home a female friend, just a friend, I would most certainly expect them to sleep in separate rooms.

Agreed. Friend or boyfriend, it's separate rooms out of respect to the parents even though everyone is adult. I'm sorry your H is having a hard time with it. I might imagine it would be difficult thinking of your child as a sexual human being.

[AlpineSlide]

My boyfriend had to stay on the couch and I in my old bedroom. Most of the time I fell asleep with him in the living room though.

I see nothing wrong with the arrangement you guys agreed on, especially if this is his first overnight boyfriend in your home. See what happens when he visits a few more times.

[5thofjuly]

DH was allowed to spend the night when we were 23/24. I had a sofa in my room that my parents could pretend he slept on if they wished (and which we did on occasion if, for example, we knew my grandparents would be there early the next morning,) but everyone knew what the deal was.

[W.T.Faulkner]

BF and I do not share a room when we stay at my parents' house out of respect for my mom and dad's wishes. We are almost 25 and 27 and serious, but not engaged/married yet, so they politely (but forcefully) said, "And this is where BF will sleep." lol

His parents don't care, so we share a room there.

[Dumbledork]

DH's mom made him sleep in a house down the street, like five doors down, with a couple she was very close with and who kept the house locked and armed with a security code DH didn't know. Ridiculous.

My parents had DH sleep downstairs on the couch, but didn't care if we were in my room alone for long stretches of time. They found us curled up in my bed taking a nap one day and didn't throw a fit. They knew I was having sex, but I wasn't keen on the idea of them hearing or accidentally walking in on us, so we never did it at the house.

My mom was a lot more easy-going about things than my dad. The summer after I turned 18 I would stay out all night with my boyfriend, mostly just hanging out at his house. My dad wouldn't say anything, but he was obviously annoyed that I wasn't home and in bed by like 10 or something. My mom would just shrug and say things like "You're 18. So long as you're being responsible and safe, you can do what you want."

I only have a 4 year old, so our ideas of how we'll handle it ourselves is likely going to change over the years. We joke about her first car being a smart car because there's no back seat, but I think we'll be more like my parents. Her future boy/girlfriend definitely won't be sleeping in a house down the street, that's for sure.

ETA: I'll add that my parents also knew that I regularly spent weekends at DH's apartment, and I don't imagine they think I slept on the couch while I was there. Also, like another PP said, sometimes I would end up staying up in the living room with DH and would fall asleep with him on the couch. They didn't seem to care about that either. 

[sailorgray]

Aug 24, 2013 13:07:58 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

I don't get it.. why would you guys, if you know that your adult children are having sex with their bf/gf, make them sleep in different rooms?

I think it's just one of those things.  Like, ignorance is bliss or what you do under your roof is your business...etc.  Plus, I am pretty sure that my parents would not have been cool with me having sex at 20 with a boyfriend, so they may think that by allowing us to hare a rom, we will think they are okay with us having sex.  Make sense?

[aprilsails]

My parents were not strict about this at all, but I think they had kind of given up since I had been staying at my long distance boyfriends house in another city on weekends since I was 17. His parents were more strict (I was supposed to be in the guest room) but we regularly got caught together so they gave up. Poor parents.

Once I was in university it never came up again. DH's Mom requested that we never tell her Mother when I lived at their house in the summer.

My parents were very lenient but I was otherwise a good kid and I was gone every summer sailing so they knew they had lost control of me in that respect at the age of 16.

[bananapancakes]

My H and I lived together before we were engaged but we always slept in different rooms (and on different floors of the house!) when we were staying with H's parents. It wasn't until we were 27, engaged, and my H almost died that my MIL allowed us to sleep in the same bed. I think she said something like, "I figured you guys would want to be together tonight."

[pooh8402]

My ILs forced us to stay in separate rooms until we got married. Even in our own home that we bought together. Yes, you read that right. In MY home. My relationship with my ILs is strained partly because of this and I was super pissed at DH for allowing it.

My parents didn't care, but DH cared about at least maintaining the appearance of innocence.

Sent from my SPH-L710 using proboards

[ijack]

H's parents made us sleep separately until we were married - I usually had to share a bed or room with his grandmother. However his brother was allowed to sleep in the same bed as his GF :/

[speckledfrog]

We stayed in separate rooms at my dad's house and together at MH's parent's house.

[wambam]

This situation never really came up because our parents' houses are within a mile of each other. We simply slept at our respective parent's house.

However, my mom encouraged us to live together before marriage, so there's that.

I think after graduating high school, I would allow them to sleep in the same room. I'd treat them like the adult they are.

[cbwm1]

My parents knew DH and I were having sleepovers within a couple months after we started dating, and we moved in together when we had been dating for 11 months.

They were totally cool about us sleeping in the same room whenever we spent a weekend with them.

Sue, I'm obvs on your side here.

[Jalapeñomel]

We had separate rooms in both our parents' houses until we were married.

[5thofjuly]

Aug 24, 2013 13:21:52 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Aug 24, 2013 13:14:12 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

DH was allowed to spend the night when we were 23/24. I had a sofa in my room that my parents could pretend he slept on if they wished (and which we did on occasion if, for example, we knew my grandparents would be there early the next morning,) but everyone knew what the deal was.

this is how I'm thinking. 

this is all just so wild to me. lol I never thought dh would be the more prudish of the two of us. lol 

My family was very good about maintaining appearances. I went on the pill at 17, for example, "due to cramps" and my mom bought condoms "in case my friends needed any but were afraid to ask their parents." My parents aren't dumb (at all!),  but it was just easier for everyone.

[snickers]

Aug 24, 2013 13:02:35 GMT -5 @stellasmom said:

I think keeping up an appearance of "innocence" is respectful to parents, even if everyone knows what is actually going on. He can share a room with boyfriends when he has his own place.

This is how it was at my parents house. It never really bothered me.

[flex]

No overnight stays were allowed at my house for any of my boys when they were in their late teens: girls or guys. Not that they even asked. I mean how icky is that to have sex in a place where your mom is within earshot? lol

When DS#2 (who is gay) was living with me, it was just an understanding that there would be no overnight guests--and it had nothing to do with being gay. If my other sons were living here and wanted to have a girl spend the night, the answer would still be "no".

While at my house, DS#2 would periodically invite friends over. And sometimes the friends would be reluctant to come over because it was at his mom's house. DS#2 would let them know he wasn't inviting them over to have sex--just to hang out.

So just so you know, sue, sometimes gay guys don't like the idea of going to their friend's mom's house if there may be some frivolity involved b/c the parents are there. KWIM?

[snickers]

Aug 24, 2013 13:56:19 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Aug 24, 2013 13:24:37 GMT -5 pooh8402 said:

My ILs forced us to stay in separate rooms until we got married. Even in our own home that we bought together. Yes, you read that right. In MY home. My relationship with my ILs is strained partly because of this and I was super pissed at DH for allowing it.



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There would be massive issues over here if my H ever expected me to allow my IL's dictate what I could/could not do in my own house. 

And then sided with them. 

It would not be my relationship with my ILs that would be strained by this.

Holy shit.


My in laws are pastors and even they let us sleep together in the same room in their house. I think they truly though H was waiting for marriage, oops.