y4m, I get why you are helping your ILs. I am in charge of my mother's finances. She is our burden and it was either get involved now or deal with worse shit down the line.
I wish you the best of luck. Honestly. I had to step back from trying to help my mother. We were both getting too upset when she would buy a new purse and then complain about not having money for food, or she would be very jealous of a vacation I went on, not understanding that DH and I saved for years in order to afford said vacation.
Post by awkwardpenguin on Aug 25, 2013 23:45:08 GMT -5
I understand why you are in the situation you are in, but honestly if you want to win SIL over to your side, you're going to have to be the bad guys. But I'd probably play hardball a bit more. Say straight up to SIL: we bailed Mom and Dad out financially and they've managed to mess that up over the past X years. They resent the financial advice we give you and are trying to undermine us. It's up to you to choose your path. We want to help you get on your feet and toward a bright financial future, and H and I know how to do that, while Mom and Dad do not.
End of story. You don't have to be nice about the fact that her parents are money bozos. She has to know that on some level.
I'd totally support a gently used base model corolla (which is actually what she drives now, since that's what we've always bought in the past). She's sold on some kind of Mazda little SUV. Sticker is like $30k.
Just say no. This is not practical. She HAS a car. I'd love to buy a minivan but I cannot afford it. Tell her you love her and want her to end the cycle of money mistakes. Or that the car you gave her is not hers to give away.
I understand why you are in the situation you are in, but honestly if you want to win SIL over to your side, you're going to have to be the bad guys. But I'd probably play hardball a bit more. Say straight up to SIL: we bailed Mom and Dad out financially and they've managed to mess that up over the past X years. They resent the financial advice we give you and are trying to undermine us. It's up to you to choose your path. We want to help you get on your feet and toward a bright financial future, and H and I know how to do that, while Mom and Dad do not.
End of story. You don't have to be nice about the fact that her parents are money bozos. She has to know that on some level.
I agree. Put all the cards out on the table. If she doesn't already know about their money problems, she will learn soon enough. I'd just be brutally honest.
Oh wow, I remember you posting about your ILs a while back and deciding to help them out and get them straight. It's so sad that they have basically continued their ways. They are lucky you and your DH are willing to help them.
I agree with pp. Be the bad guys. Your DH needs to let his sister know, exactly what is going on. If she's smart enough to have a nursing degree, she's smart enough to understand 1+1=2, not 20.
I would also caution her to cut-off any financial ties to her parents. She and your DH need to be on the same page w/regard to subsidizing their parents and not to detriment of either of their own stability. I would hate for your IL's to wipe her accounts.
I understand why you are in the situation you are in, but honestly if you want to win SIL over to your side, you're going to have to be the bad guys. But I'd probably play hardball a bit more. Say straight up to SIL: we bailed Mom and Dad out financially and they've managed to mess that up over the past X years. They resent the financial advice we give you and are trying to undermine us. It's up to you to choose your path. We want to help you get on your feet and toward a bright financial future, and H and I know how to do that, while Mom and Dad do not.
End of story. You don't have to be nice about the fact that her parents are money bozos. She has to know that on some level.
I agree. Put all the cards out on the table. If she doesn't already know about their money problems, she will learn soon enough. I'd just be brutally honest.
I actually kind of agree with this. I don't think you have to make our MIL & FIL as bad guys, but I think if you can just explain that they are not good examples because of X, Y & Z, that might help her see your side.
You need to be direct - VERY blunt -with your SIL. Have her take a good look at your ILs financial situation - Tell her if she follows their financial advice she will find herself in the same financial position as her parents. Tell her there is a another way.
She does NOT NEED A NEW CAR! A reality check is in order. A needs vs wants needs to be established. I hope you told her that you do not have a car that cost that much and that you share a car. That she needs to get real and stop dreaming. She is NOT in a position to buy a new car -- and one that costs 30K. Has she read Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach?? (Similar to his Smart Couples Finish Rich) Wouldn't hurt to read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover even if she does not have a lot of debt. - more motivational and might resonate better with her.
I would also have DH talk with parents and let them know that he does not appreciate their financial input. They do not qualify to give advice until they have their own financial house in order.
My husband tore the ILs a new one last night via text message. They are repentant this morning and saying things like they would never have encouraged her if they'd known what her SL payments would be. Which was easily accessible on a website to all of them of course. I just cannot relate at all to the idea of making a financial decision like this without taking a quick peek at what my SL payments would be. Foreign concept.
Our approach was to just take her through it step by step. Ok, what are you making an hour and what's the worst case scenario on how few hours you might get (and a lot of talk about how every decision we make is based on the worst case scenario--not how many hours you could get in overtime, but what is the lowest it could possibly be. We also taught her about the joy/pain of bi-weekly paychecks and budgeting based on 2/month to treat the third as a windfall for debt/savings). Put it in to Paycheckcity and lets get an idea what you'll be taking home.
Now lets look at loans. We got on a web conference and went through her online debt counseling thing. Between the loans in her name and the Plus loans her parents took in theirs but she owes, we figured out the minimum payments. Oh look, that's 1/3 of your income already. So between that and this car, you'd be in debt for well over half of your earnings, and that's before you've paid for anything, including an apartment. Do you want to live at home for 5 years?
I sent her the money book for the Young, Broke, and Fabulous. I might send others too.
Thanks everyone for allowing the vent last night. This will be a long and annoying road with the ILs, and I just will not stop fighting to keep her off that path. She's disappointed this morning from the reality check. But at least she's living in reality now.
Thanks everyone for allowing the vent last night. This will be a long and annoying road with the ILs, and I just will not stop fighting to keep her off that path. She's disappointed this morning from the reality check. But at least she's living in reality now.
I think this is what people who are saying this isn't your problem are missing. This girl really has nobody else trying to help her get set up for success.
Keep at it.
I am still confused as to why she was going to get a new car - just because she wants it? Man, keep that Corolla! I have such amazing memories and stories of mine. My mom cried when I sold it! BEST CAR EVAH!
I get why you are upset, I really do. But I think you're forgetting why the cycle of poverty continues for so many people. Anyone who gets ahead is often pulled down because someone close to them needs (wants) money or offers them advice because they really don't have the skills to understand how to build up wealth (or to supress instant gratification). I'm guessing your H's grandparents didn't have much either?? I wouldn't be mean/harsh with your SIL because it will just drive her away from you eventually because its a lot easier to buy a fancy new car than it is to pay SL's especially when you're around people who have done it their whole lives. You're doing a good job trying to teach her financial skills by drawing up a budget. Help her see how you/your H got to where you are by planning and saving. H's siblings dislike the fact that I won't let him be their ATM anymore. Hopefully your MIL/FIL see your point too!
Post by londoncalling on Aug 26, 2013 9:31:26 GMT -5
Are the repentant ILs willing to transfer the title of the car to your SIL like it was supposed to be? I wouldn't be comfortable with them having any access to anyone else's assets at this point. I would also be making sure SIL changed the title and access on that bank account with her graduation money in it.