Open letter day

[Muddled]

When was the last time we did one of these?

[esdreturns]

Dear people who thought win7 was a good idea:

It wasn't.

Signed without love,

ESD

[Muddled]

Dear Breeders,

It is inappropriate to invite a non-breeder on a playdate. We are available for gatherings, get togethers, hang outs, and dates, but never playdates. Also, it is common courtesy to ask what time works for the other person or, at the very least provide options, NOT to provide an hour window in which you are available. Ummm... you contacted me. So, no. Thank you for the invitation, but I will be plucking my eyebrows at that time.

Signed,
Childfree (remember those days?)



Dear Trying-to-be-breeders,

Every move you make does not need to be focused on that embryo that does not exist yet. Even if it is, play it off like it's not. At this point, I am already crossing you off of my friends list because soon you will be asking me on a "playdate" and we will have nothing to talk about but your child (see above). I kindly request that you remember that you have a life and interests and we used to talk about all kinds of things. I believe that is still possible. I would like to keep you firmly in my friend column, but if you are this neurotic before you even get pregnant, I don't know if it's going to be possible. Consider it, please, and let me know how you would like to proceed.

I will miss you,
Nothing in common



Dear Brad,

I am sorry that I have made fun of your friend's wedding to the point that you are annoyed. I will stop now. At least, as far as you will hear. I love you even though your sense of humor seems to have vanished.

Love,
Your wife who only goes to weddings for the alcohol

[esdreturns]

LOL I love the letter to Brad. I know some people who would love to make fun of the wedding with you.

[Muddled]

He's such a fun hater sometimes.

[bullygirl979]

Dear stupid spot on my mother's lung,

You better just be an infection and not cancer. Or I will come and kick your ass.

Signed,
Worried daughter


Dear Foster Dog,

I love you. But you fucking chewed my $500 chair. I take you for walks, you have a fenced in yard, you get bones to chew on. What the fuck is the deal?

Signed,
Don't have time for this shit

[Deleted]

Dear Realtor/home insurance peeps/ and mortgage guy:

YOU ALL SUCK. Can't wait until we are through with this awful process.

signed,
me

[smock]

Dear Work,

Do your self, damnit! And fuck off, too!

Signed,
Dr. Smock

[partiallysunny]

I hope your moms okay bully!

Dear Kid,

Stop trying to kill me.

Stop pushing your toy bucket in front of my face while I'm trying to do a push up. Stop jumping on top of my belly while elbowing me in the rib and sticking your foot in my eye. Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop pulling my hair. Stop getting excited and throwing your wooden blocks at me or knocking down my block tower so they rain on top of me. OMG, and stop pinching me. Stop flailing your arms and giving me a black eye or rocking back to bust me in the face with your head.

I am a human, not a jungle gym ::sob::

Love,
Your mom

P.S. And no, I don't want a bite of your soggy cracker or crushed, brown banana. Stop trying to shove them in my mouth.

[beebeeeater]

Dear head,

Please stop hurting. I gave you ibuprofen last night, I am ridiculously hydrated, and I just ate some protein...what more can you want?

Signed,
Looking at my computer is making things worse


Dear Universe,

Please let this house thing work out. I know that everything will happen exactly as it should but I really really hope that THIS is how it should work out. Third time's the charm, right?

Love,
Househunter

[motzie]

Dear H,

I know that gas may be 4 cents cheaper at Delta Sonic. It is out of my way so I'm not going there. I'm just not. I will, however, stop going to the one in town that is 20 cents higher.

Signed,

No I am not stubborn, I just don't care.

[gault]

Dear scheduler from OSL:

Because of your blatently obtuse attitude and unwillingness to do your job, we may have lost a ton of departmental money and inconvenienced hundreds of high school students. Kindly go fuck yourself with a cactus.

Sincerely,
Lives in a Cube (cousin of Stands with a Fist)


Also.

Dear weather:

Why you gotta be so dreary? It's June!

With concern,
California

[gbck]

Dear people who wrote this asstastic computer program,

You suck and whoever you slept with at my employer to get them to buy it needs to be locked in a cell with only the instruction manual to use as TP for the next 3 weeks.
What, you don't HAVE an instruction manual, just an FAQ?

Yes, I know taht.
I hate you
-me.

Dear meds,
start working
thanks
me

Dear head
see above
stop hurting.
thanks
me

Dear Mr's family,
really?
*sigh*
me

Dear cancer,
you suck,
me

Dear MIL's doctors,
Just...do stuff now, quit doing the 'waiting game'.
FFS.
-me.

[Deleted]

Dear work,
I know it's Wednesday but I've been here for 4 days now. I worked from 2-5 AM on Sunday... consequently, I am very tired. So BACK OFF.
Sincerely,
Stress Ball of an Employee

Dear mom,
I love you and I know you enjoy the beach house, but you haven't worked in 14 years and you were just up there 3 weeks ago. Please stop saying you need a vacation.
Signed,
Your daughter who's had 2 days off in 2012

[broc]

Dear Joaquin,
Momma loves you, and I know your gums hurt you but if you don't stop whining you're going to have to find a nice feral wolf family to raise you.
love, momma.

Dear house,
Fucking be clean already, ok? BFF is coming in on Friday, and though I've been cleaning you what seems like nonstop you still seem dirty and cluttered. Stop it.
love, broc.

Dear yellowjackets,
I have gassed you 2x, I have sealed your entrances with silicone caulk, and I have used expanding foam insulation to completely seal off your hole. Take the hint and hit bricks already, you stupid fucks.
see you in hell, broc.

[fussbucket]

Dear Baby Fuss,

STOP eating your damn Play Doh!!!!! Finding turquoise spots in your diaper is as disturbing as it is annoying.

Love,
Mom

Dear MIL,

Planning a family GTG in Hawaii to coincide with H's friend's wedding was a nice idea. Planning the GTG on an entirely different island 200 miles from the wedding was weird and annoying. Do you not remember what traveling with toddlers is like?

Love,
Your DIL

[starrieskies]

Dear H

Just because I cut my hair, started eating healthier, and bought *gasp* scented body spray with sparkles, does NOT mean that I am trying to get someone's attention. There's this amazing thing called "doing things that make me feel good" that I've been forgetting to do for years. If that means I want to sparkle in the sunlight (when it appears) that's what I'm going to do. Get over your insecurities, and enjoy your happy wife. This is a good thing.

Sincerely,
Me

[imoan]

Jun 20, 2012 11:30:06 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

Dear H

Just because I cut my hair, started eating healthier, and bought *gasp* scented body spray with sparkles, does NOT mean that I am trying to get someone's attention. There's this amazing thing called "doing things that make me feel good" that I've been forgetting to do for years. If that means I want to sparkle in the sunlight (when it appears) that's what I'm going to do. Get over your insecurities, and enjoy your happy wife. This is a good thing.

Sincerely,
Me

Oh yeah... this can't go by uncommented on...

[Deleted]

Jun 20, 2012 11:30:06 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

Dear H

Just because I cut my hair, started eating healthier, and bought *gasp* scented body spray with sparkles, does NOT mean that I am trying to get someone's attention. There's this amazing thing called "doing things that make me feel good" that I've been forgetting to do for years. If that means I want to sparkle in the sunlight (when it appears) that's what I'm going to do. Get over your insecurities, and enjoy your happy wife. This is a good thing.

Sincerely,
Me

Wha? ^o)

[Deleted]

Dear Mr Starrieskies,

Kindly go fuck yourself. You keep this up and homegirl will find another boyfriend and be perfectly justified in doing so.

Sincerely,
Queen Shanksalot

[starrieskies]

Jun 20, 2012 11:39:36 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Dear Mr Starrieskies,

Kindly go fuck yourself. You keep this up and homegirl will find another boyfriend and be perfectly justified in doing so.

Sincerely,
Queen Shanksalot

This TOTALLY made my day! Thanks!

[imoan]

starrieskies- I would be HEATED like you've never seen over this. No cutesy open letter. Instead of an open letter, I'd take a LETTER OPENER TO HIS NUT SACK!!!

[Deleted]

Dear Baby,

This whole sleeping for ten minutes, bitching for an hour think you've got going on a loop needs to fucking end.

Love,
Your annoyed mother


Dear Canine Baby,

You best knock this shit off too or your ass is going in the river right along with the baby. Pissing and/or shitty on stuff not five minutes after you've gone outside is unacceptable. So it hopping around and randomly barking at 2am just because daddy's not home.

STFU already.

Love,
Your mom


Dear Children,

Yes, I'm impressed that you remember to clean every day. This doesn't mean we're going anywhere. We especially aren't going anywhere when you wake me up at 9:30 to tell me what time it is. IF I WANTED TO BE AWAKE, I WOULD BE AWAKE!

That being said, I appreciate that you come in at 7am and try to get the baby to shut his face. You're good siblings and pudding loves you.

Sincerely,
Your mother

P.S. Maybe I'm overly optimistic but if you keep this up, you might make it through the summer.

[starrieskies]

Jun 20, 2012 11:44:08 GMT -5 imoan said:

starrieskies- I would be HEATED like you've never seen over this. No cutesy open letter. Instead of an open letter, I'd take a LETTER OPENER TO HIS NUT SACK!!!

It was a topic of a much heated discussion last night. I'm just still fuming over it. Especially since it's not like I made all of these changes the same week! I cut 8 inches off my hair 7 months ago, started "dieting" (I hate that word) 2 months ago, and bought the stupid sparkly stuff 3 weeks ago.

[partiallysunny]

Jun 20, 2012 11:56:32 GMT -5 starrieskies said:

Jun 20, 2012 11:44:08 GMT -5 imoan said:

starrieskies- I would be HEATED like you've never seen over this. No cutesy open letter. Instead of an open letter, I'd take a LETTER OPENER TO HIS NUT SACK!!!

It was a topic of a much heated discussion last night. I'm just still fuming over it. Especially since it's not like I made all of these changes the same week! I cut 8 inches off my hair 7 months ago, started "dieting" (I hate that word) 2 months ago, and bought the stupid sparkly stuff 3 weeks ago.

This.Makes.No.Sense.

I'm curious what he said when you pointed out your haircut was SEVEN months ago.

[fussbucket]

Dear imoan,

You are hilarious.

Love,
fuss

[starrieskies]

He brushed it off and said "it just seems like you're doing things to draw attention to youself lately."

He's gained a bit of weight lately, and is feeling insecure about it. Rather than doing anything about it, he's projecting his insecurities on to me. We've played this game before, the difference is, I'm calling him on his shit this time.

[Deleted]

To draw attention to yourself? WTF?

[fussbucket]

So is he normally a chode about stuff, or is this new/relatively isolated behavior? I mean, I get showing people how you want to be treated, but when they're not inclined to treat you very nicely in the first place, isn't that kind of more important?

I'm also a bit lady-doth-protest-too-much when guys think their wives/GFs must be on the prowl. Like, perhaps he wouldn't turn down an "ego boost" if one happened to come along and he thought he could get away with it.

[BettyBookWorm]

Dear Body,
I am almost to my pre-pregnancy weight. Please, ten lbs, GTFO!!

Dear Abby,
I love you & I'm really sorry about teething, but OMG there is nothing I can do.

Dear Doggy,
Please get it together with the potty issues. I know you have a neurological thing going on & you can't always contain yourself, but stepping in poop first thing in the morning is not pleasant.

Dear Pumpkin,
I love you dearly cat, but there is no reason to bite/claw/kneed the shit out of my arms/legs/any available soft spot (my boobs?!) to get my attention while I am trying to feed the baby. Its super cute that you try to clean Abby though, but she is not a fan. Kindly quit it. She is plenty clean, but does enjoy your snuggles.

Dear Wasps,
I will annihilate your evil, wasp faces. Eat wasp spray and the hose. Also, if you make it in the house I will smash you and Penny Kitty will eat your sorry corpse. Die!