family vent

[LoveTrains]

I have never been that close to my mother - we just have never really connected. I am always amazed when I hear folks that say you talk to your mothers more than once a week, even daily.

So in any case, she is a minister and she just sends me this group email with this line:
You and your spouse/friend are invited to come help me celebrate 40 years of ministry. 

Seriously? You haven't spoken to me on the phone in three weeks and then I get a blast email with no accompanying call/text/email saying she hopes I can make it?

Meanwhile I am still saddened by the fact that she didn't call me for two weeks to see if I was still alive (or injured) after the Boston marathon bombing so maybe I am letting that color the situation. Granted I wasn't there, but we normally go every year to the finish line. 

I just feel saddened that we don't have a great relationship and I don't know what to do. She is distant and awkward. I live about 275 miles away(5 hours by car depending on traffic). 

[Deleted]

Love, that stinks.

Most of us don't have perfect relationships, but that doesn't make it any easier. You are absolutely, perfectly in the right to be annoyed at the group email.

[krystee]

I'm sorry. Do you think things would change if you had a heart to heart with her about the type of relationship/communication you want? Would it be possible to plan a trip together to bond/reconnect? (Maybe a short one, just in case things go awry!)

[explorer2001]

Thank your lucky stars that you are 5 hours and not 5 miles away. Sometimes families just suck. I say this from experience. Your relationship with your mom will likely never be what you want it to be. You can't control or change that. All you can control is how you choose to respond to it and how you let it affect you.

I know that's then only way I can deal is to repeatedly remind myself of the above and choose to actively look at what I can do with other parts of my life/other relationships to make the life I want. I'm not saying its easy but its what I can control. Hugs.

[Deleted]

I'm not super close to mine either, so I totally get it. Actually, I have difficult relationships with both of my biological parents. I get along best with my stepmom, but even then I sometimes go a couple weeks without talking to her. My mom lives about 10 hours away and she's been out there for about 5 years. We've yet to go visit her. MH and I decided we need to suck it up and make a trip out there next year, but only if we have an activity - I can't go that far to sit and stare each other.

[Deleted]

You know how my relationship is with my mother right now, so all I can offer is hugs friend.

[drloretta]

I don't really think there's anything you can do. HUGS

[noodleoo]

I'm sorry, LoveTrains, that sucks.  Family relationships can be really tough, especially when they continue to let you down.  The secret? You need to adjust your expectations and fully accept the relationship for what it is and nothing more.  I'm not sure a heart to heart will really change anything, and if anything, it may hurt you more to hash it out again. Maybe I'm cynical, but the best thing you can do is lower your expectations. Then you won't be disappointed when your mom doesn't live up to them. 

That sucks about the bombing. That was a tough day, probably even scarier since you've been there every year.  My parents didn't call either, I'm not sure they had heard yet.  But I made a point to tell my family I wasn't nearby as soon as possible so they wouldn't worry. 

[cosmos]

Sending hugs. I'm sorry I don't understand mothers like that at all.

[rikki]

I'm so sorry hun. I get how you feel. My mom hasn't called in almost 2 weeks. I finally called her yesterday and she barely asked about the baby. Then she plasters his picture all over Facebook and gushes like she's grandma of the year. It sucks.

[chia]

I totally agree with songforyou
Try initiating for a while, and see what happens.


Sent from my Nexus S 4G using proboards

[Balki.Bartokomous]

I'm sorry, Trains. That must be hard to deal with.

[nursewife]

Sounds like my mom. She's a minister too. IMO, she gives everyone the good side, and family gets the crappy left overs.

[shopgirl07]

Everyone's relationship is different, try not to get too caught up in comparing them.

I've had bumps along the road with my mother but I'd consider us fairly close at this point. However, we don't talk often at all. And we live 20 min away and don't see each other all that often either. It's what works for us. I'd go crazy if I had to talk to anyone on a daily basis.

Regardless, I'm sorry you're bummed.

[ssmjlm]

I would send some flowers and let it be. It's unfortunate when family isn't who we wished they were and it's harder to understand.

FIL is like this with DH a lot. He plays the "you didn't call me so I'm not calling you game." It's ridiculous.

[Deleted]

I am sorry you are going through this. I know how frustrating a mother/daughter relationship can be. I had to finally just stop being upset about the way she treated me. It was not me, it was her. It is her baggage and garbage that makes her act like that. It is nothing you did or didn't do. Until I figured that out I could not be a peace with some of the parenting choices she made with me. (and continues to make with me)
Lots of hugs.

[mrshabious]

I am so sorry. I have no advise to offer. On the flip side, my sister longs for that relationship with her oldest daughter. Said daughter sent a group text saying she was engaged.

[LoveTrains]

Thank you for the kind words ladies. I really appreciate being able to "talk" with all of you.

[farfalla2011]

I can totally relate. I don't have a great relationship with my mom either - mostly due to her husband, but that's a topic for another post entirely. If she's anything like mine, talking to her about it really won't help. I try very hard not to take how she is personally and ditto Explorer's advice. I try to just blow it off, but sometimes, I just wish I had a "real" mom.

Just for a recent example: I actually hadn't talked to my mom in a month, so I called her last night - she then proceeded to complain about how much she doesn't like all the people she works with for 20 minutes. I then said I have to cook dinner so I've gotta go. I'm so thankful she's 8 hours away...

Lots of hugs!

[Susie]

I'm sorry.  The mass email thing sucks.  I would probably make about as much effort to be there as she put into inviting you.  I'm thinking mass email invite is about equal to an emailed "congrats, sorry I can't make it!"

That doesn't really deal with the larger picture though, which matters a lot more than celebrating 40 years in a vocation.

I don't have a great relationship with my mom either, which has been played out on MM from time to time.  It's not exactly the same, but I understand wishing it were different.  The most important thing for my mental health is to acknowledge that there's her, me, and our relationship, and they are 3 separate things. I try to contain my disappointment (and anger sometimes) to directing it at Our Relationship.  It's important for me to recognize that it's not my fault, and not necessarily hers either.  We're just different, and don't always speak the same language.  That helps me maintain a relationship with her, to the extent that we can and do, while also acknowledging that sometimes it's hurtful.  Directing the hate and hurt at some of what she says, somewhere other than her, helps me not make it toxic when I do see her.  It's just shallower than it might otherwise be.

I don't know if that made any sense now that I wrote it out.  But hugs anyway.

[mswax]

Aug 26, 2013 21:40:09 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

I'm sorry, LoveTrains, that sucks.  Family relationships can be really tough, especially when they continue to let you down.  The secret? You need to adjust your expectations and fully accept the relationship for what it is and nothing more.  I'm not sure a heart to heart will really change anything, and if anything, it may hurt you more to hash it out again. Maybe I'm cynical, but the best thing you can do is lower your expectations. Then you won't be disappointed when your mom doesn't live up to them. 

That sucks about the bombing. That was a tough day, probably even scarier since you've been there every year.  My parents didn't call either, I'm not sure they had heard yet.  But I made a point to tell my family I wasn't nearby as soon as possible so they wouldn't worry. 

This is my advice as well. Accepting the relationship you have is what YOU control. Changing someone else's behavior (or hoping for it to change) is futile.

[winnied]

I'm so sorry. H's dad is like this. My H finds it helps to have zero expectations for his relationship with his dad. It makes him sad, of course, but what can you do?