Tired of being strong

[ladydid]

I have lurked between this board, The nest, and surviving infidelity now for over a year and I want to say just reading you ladies' stories had made me feel not so alone. However, I am just so tired of keeping up the strong facade. I feel like Jello inside and wish I could just have a total breakdown and stay in bed for weeks and eat nothing but chocolate ice cream and watch crappy chick flicks. But I can't. logistically, practically and emotionally. I have broke down precisely twice. Once the nice I found out about OW ( D day) and once on my first therapy appointment. Since then the entire 9 months I have been unable to cry like I want to. I have a 10 year old son, so I feel like I have to be strong so he doesn't see me weak. Also, I think because I have pretended everything is OK at work for so long. I can't let the emotions through the wall I have built. Not really sure what I am asking or even if I am asking anything. Just needed to finally let something out before I give myself a heart attack. Thanks for letting me spill over here among you all.

[bullygirl979]

Hugs!!!

Why do you feel like crying makes you weak? Crying means that you are experiencing intense emotions. I am not trying to be mean but I don't think you are doing your son any favors. Don't get me wrong, being an emotional basketcase isn't helpful but you also don't want to teach your son that it isn't OKAY to have negative emotions. We all have negative emotions and we need to learn how to deal with them in a healthy way.

Are you still in therapy? Have you been evaluated to see if meds would help? Who do have for support?

[achase123]

I completely feel your pain. When you're a parent you don't have the luxury of having the emotional breakdown you deserve.

Do yourself a favor and take some time for YOU. Even if it's just taking a hike where no one is around and just screaming. It will allow you to release some of that pent up energy. If you don't you're going to explode one of these days and wind up having an anxiety attack or something.

are you in therapy? That really helps me.

[usedtobebear]

Hi Ladydid, I'm sorry you are so sad. I'm sure it's especially hard since you have a son to raise. Are you in counseling? I know it's cliche but it really helps me. I go every Thursday and usually when Monday or Tuesday rolls around I'm dying for Thursday to get here because I have so much going on in my head, so many emotions, and it's nice having an outside perspective. Have you read any books? I'm all about self help break up books, they help you to not feel so alone reading other people stories. My break up is fairly recent so I'm not that great at offering advice but I also went to my Doctor to get anxiety meds as sometimes I really panic and have a really hard time. Lastly, writing thoughts in my journal really help me too.
I'm sorry you are sad, welcome to the board and I hope you stick around and keep taking care of yourself and your son!

[usedtobebear]

Sorry, I re-read your post and realize you are in therapy, so that is a good start. Keep it up and keep being strong, as exhausting as it is at times, you can do it, hang in there!

[wrathofkuus]

You know, the ancient Greeks saw crying as a sign of manly strength and giving a damn.

[explorer2001]

It is important to feel your emotions regardless of how you express them. I rarely cry but noticing the feelings in my chest and eyes when I'm feeling sad or broken hearted was a powerful experience for me. One of the things people seem to be most afraid of is being overwhelmed by emotions, that they will never stop crying, etc. Interestingly once you feel the emotion, you tend to process it and it goes away for a while. It may come back.but at least it stops running your life.

Try to take some time for yourself. Since your son is 10, you should be able to lock yourself in the bathroom to take a bath and feel what you need to feel.

Hugs

[ladydid]

Thanks everyone. Yes, I am still in therapy. And I do talk to my son about my negitive feeling, without oversharing in an inapproiate way. I tell him things like "mommy is having a sad day. and I miss dad too." Not using him as a confidant. Yes I am on Meds. However they are tecnically for a medical condition I have. I don't feel like crying makes me weak. I meant having a total breakdown and stopping functioning like I want to do. I don't have the time, money or other resourses to wallow in self pity. That is what I mean by being weak. A total stopage of life. For support I have my mom and a couple real good friends.
I do try to take time for me when my son's dad has him. However, I work full time and the free time I do haveis usually eaten away by housework, yardwork and all the other crap I used to have help with.So by the time I get it done all I want to do is colaspe into bed, especially with my condition. I am a voratious reader and I have read a couple books that my therapist has given/recommended to me. Woman who love too much and chatting or cheating are the two I just finished. They help, but the thing is... I have taken it all in logically and processed it, but not able to process through the emotions. it is like they are damned up and want to come out, but won't.

[ladydid]

Oh. A detail I should probably include; although I am very familiar with how many of you feel in regurads to cheating; is that my husband and I are trying to work things out. It was an emotional affair. I know that makes it no better, however I think I can forgive and work through our issues that lead to this. We have been married 16 years and I know that I have done my share of damage to our relationship. We are living apart, but talk almost daily and see eachother several times a week. This only makes things more difficult for me to process at this stage though sometimes.

[explorer2001]

Two more books to consider: Women, Food, and God by Roth. There's a good chapter about emotion and you can substitute any coping mechanism for food, for me it was being a workaholic and too busy to feel.

The other book is Why does he do that by Bancroft. My copy is so dogeared I don't know where to star.

[Deleted]

Well, that details explains a lot.

[usedtobebear]

Jun 20, 2012 13:32:33 GMT -5 mags said:

Well, that details explains a lot.

Lol, this... that was an overlooked detail. Hmmm... Well, shit.. not sure what to tell you if you're still trying to work it out. Seems like the fact that you're so upset over it might be a sign that it's not going to work out. Good luck!!

[Deleted]

Jun 20, 2012 13:44:56 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

Jun 20, 2012 13:32:33 GMT -5 mags said:

Well, that details explains a lot.

Lol, this... that was an overlooked detail. Hmmm... Well, shit.. not sure what to tell you if you're still trying to work it out. Seems like the fact that you're so upset over it might be a sign that it's not going to work out. Good luck!!

Ya think? ^o)

[wrathofkuus]

A whole damn year of misery for you, and you're still a mess over this, and you still think you're going to be able to work this out?

[ladydid]

Usedtobebear- I might not have specified, so I understand where you conclude I am upset over what was done with the affair. I am not upset in that manner. I am just sick of dealing with the aftermath. He has cut all contact with OW, has a new job away from her and we are in therapy, both indivual and couples. however, I feel stuck in a holding pattern where my feelings in general will not break out of. Yes I am angry, Yes I am sad, I feel those emotions but can't release them in the manner I wish. I am dealing with them in therapy , but it is my only safe place to release them is how I feel. That was the original point of my post, I am sorry if I did not convey that well.

[formerlyak]

Do you have any family near by? I remember the day when I had just had enough. It was July 3, 2010. My ex and I split in Oct. 2009 and I just kind of stayed strong on the outside and kept up status quo for that time. But then, being my first 4th of July weekend alone, facing the many family BBQs and parties I had been invited to, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't get a hold of my therapist (it was early in the morning), so I called my medical doctor who knew the whole story because I went to him for STD tests when I found out ex cheated. He happened to have an appointment that morning. My mom met me at the doctor's office and got my son. She took him to breakfast and to a birthday party for one of his friends that he was invited to that day at lunch. I talked to my doctor, completely broke down. He told me he was wondering when this would happen because there was no way I could be that strong with all that was going on in my world. It just isn't possible. Having that breakdown made me feel better ... and "normal."

I picked up my ds from my parents at dinner time that night. I was really nervous about the 4th of July activities, but I went because ds wanted to go. I was surprised what I good time I had, alone. I was grateful for all my friends and their families who made sure ds had a "dad" to go in the pool with or who played catch with him or who taught him to play ping pong while I had a little time to catch up with friends. Because I had that breakdown I was able to regain some strength and actually start to enjoy my new world and feel a little empowered. Let yourself have those feelings! They won't go away unless you do.

[usedtobebear]

Jun 20, 2012 14:07:52 GMT -5 ladydid said:

Usedtobebear- I might not have specified, so I understand where you conclude I am upset over what was done with the affair. I am not upset in that manner. I am just sick of dealing with the aftermath. He has cut all contact with OW, has a new job away from her and we are in therapy, both indivual and couples. however, I feel stuck in a holding pattern where my feelings in general will not break out of. Yes I am angry, Yes I am sad, I feel those emotions but can't release them in the manner I wish. I am dealing with them in therapy , but it is my only safe place to release them is how I feel. That was the original point of my post, I am sorry if I did not convey that well.

All of your reasons are completely valid, I totally get that. I just worry that just because your DH is doing all the right things, like therapy no contact with OW, you still might not get over it. I've had a few friends this happened to and after trying to work it out, sometimes it just doesn't. I am in no way saying I hope it doesn't for you, I really hope you can work it out. But, it sounds like he's made you suffer quite a bit, that is going to be hard for you to forget and you will likely resent him for a long time, if not forever. I wish you all the best!

[ladydid]

Oh, I know that it is no guarantee of working out. I am doing this with eyes open and not just blind, naive faith. I do have contingencies in place for all outcomes. Have contacted lawyers, have accounts in just my name, you know all the normal we are getting a divorce plans. I just truly do want to give it one more shot because it just might be salvageable. I appreciate your concern. Sometimes it is nice to be reminded that people do care about you, even if they are Internet strangers. Thank you.