Extended BFers come in, please

[monkeybabe]

So, in the last week, Patsy has asked me three times when I'm going to wean. The first time I told him that I don't know, the second time I just ignored the question, and the third time I asked him if he wanted me to wean. He said no, but that he wanted to know if I have a plan. I told him, that no, I don't, currently. It kind of stresses me out, because I feel like even though he says he doesn't want me to wean, that he probably thinks I should. I'm not ready to wean and neither is Zoe. It probably doesn't help that a friend of mine that was in town over the weekend overheard me talking about nursing Zoe down to a nap, to my mom, and asked, "You still nurse? Is that weird?" I responded with, "To some people. Not to me." Then she asked how old Zoe is. I'm not really feeling the love here... Any advice on how to go about this whole thing? Just continue to deflect with Patsy on the plan thing? Ugh. I just want people to leave me alone about it.

[shevacc]

Obviously I haven't yet been there done that but I can offer commiseration and sympathy. So far DH has only mentioned it once, when I was so disgusted with being bit that I made him finish getting her to sleep two nights in a row. I've told him that we'll wean when we're both ready and neither of us are now. He seems to mostly accept that. I also stress that the WHO recommends nursing until *at least* 2. I'll probably continue to try to casually point out nursing benefits every now and then as they come up (healing booboos, soothing teething pain, portable snack).

[charmediamsure]

Your boobs, your business.

I'm weaning Jack because I'm ready to have my body back. He gets a 2 minute session before bed and then I tell him we are "all done" because I want him to learn to fall asleep without nursing. We stopped nursing in the morning a few weeks ago and only had bedtime and MOTN left, and I just stopped MOTN a few days ago. He's coping with it all right. If we were both happy with the way things were I wouldn't be weaning though. My family kind of gives me the side eye, but they also don't understand AP and think I should have been letting him CIO from the time he was a week old sooooooo there's that. I wish people would get keep their thoughts on how we feed our babies to themselves.

[thedahliharpa]

Well I prefer the "my body my deal my choice" thing but some other ways to approach it would be:

1. Explain that weaning isn't scientific undertaking and nursing relationships are not linear.

2. Pull out some attachment literature

3. Find out what his concerns are so we can help you disprove them :-). The AAP states there is no evidence psychological or emotional harm that comes nursing until upwards of 4. Don't ask me for the source, I saw it ages ago.

4. Table the discussion for 6mos and then forget to revisit it.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry I wouldn't wean... It's obvious you and Z aren't ready.
But I don't think deflecting with patsy is a good idea because tension/awkwardness/whatever feelings could could build up.

I would find information of the benefits of EBF (nutritional, emotional, etc) and explain it all to him in a positive manner

[carawestt]

I would ask where the weaning question even came from. I'm a smart ass and would probably say something like "when your boobs can put her to sleep, I'll wean." But seriously, only you and Zoe can make the decision of when you're done and no one should be pressuring you.

[charlielove]

I would address it head on with him and ask where his questioning is coming from.

Sometimes DH gets a little gung-ho with the weaning thing if I'm venting some frustration regarding nursing (teething, biting). But he's only really doing it to be supportive.

I would also be open about the fact that weaning isn't even a thought right now and you'd appreciate his support. If presenting him with pro-EBF literature will do that, go for it.

[devotchka]

I agree w/ questioning him head-on and sitting down for a talk. He might not realize that he is bugging you so much - H had asked me a few times and I knew it was coming from a good place, but I got annoyed. I've had my Mom ask too and she now makes comments like "what is even coming out of there?" "how are you still making milk?" and both my Mom and Stepdad honestly seem embarassed by my extended BFing. I don't feel the love either but I've had them do this to me for the past 7 months (My Mom never nursed so she thought 6-9 months was "ENOUGH!" for no logical reason and kept telling me this) so I guess I am used to it. At some point I did talk to her and tell her all the benefits and why I am doing it but we have a very close relationship and I know that science usually makes her back off (it only did about 50% in her case.) Now instead of making very serious-tone PLEAS she makes random little jokes, which is at least better.

Anyway, I feel you on this one. It really seems like to me that unless you have done EBF (or just BF in general), you don't really know what it's like. But honestly even a year ago I didn't think I'd want to nurse this long but here we are and we're doing great! Do what works for you and enjoy the cuddles, but your H probably is trying to help and doesnt know any better...

[Dorothy Zbornak]

Sept 2, 2013 23:42:28 GMT -5 charlielove said:

I would address it head on with him and ask where his questioning is coming from.

Sometimes DH gets a little gung-ho with the weaning thing if I'm venting some frustration regarding nursing (teething, biting). But he's only really doing it to be supportive.

I would also be open about the fact that weaning isn't even a thought right now and you'd appreciate his support. If presenting him with pro-EBF literature will do that, go for it.

This is kind of my DH, too. But it still pisses me off.

Butterbaby is on a steady course to weaning, and it is making me anxious. I need my boobs for him on the airplane! And, to be honest, I'd like him to nurse until 2 like H did.

Anyway, MB, I would say that the majority of us who are still nursing have no real plans when it comes to weaning. And the ONLY weird thing about nursing older babies are the nosy-ass people who feel like they are in a place to comment on it.

[Dorothy Zbornak]

Oh, and this article seems quite timely: theconversation.com/no-youre-not-entitled-to-your-opinion-9978

[jsillyfun]

Whenever anyone asks me I just tell them I am planning to nurse until at least 2, per the WHO recommendations and that usually stops the questions. I also stress that we both are still enjoying nursing. With Dh, I talk his ear off about how awesome nursing is, so I have him totally on board. I would communicate with him and let him know it's important to you and Zoe and that you aren't ready to stop yet.

[vthokie]

DH asked me a lot too. We just weaned due to lack of milk, an she was cutting back herself. I always said that we would stop when she was ready. And that I wasn't going to snatch away a comfort that she's known her entire life just because someone else wanted us too. As long as it works for both of you, you're fine. If I was a SAHM, I think she would still be heavily boobed. Since I'm not home much, it was a timely thing for us

[bebeetmoi]

Whenever people ask me- which they do often- I always reply with "whenever she is ready". She dropped down to 2 sessions a day on her own, so I know she will drop it completely when she's ready. If people really push me on it, I'll use the it's-recommended-until-two card but I don't like to get into it, because I find myself getting defensive and there is NO reason I should get defensive about nursing my baby!

[mala]

I have nothing to add to the above discussion but support.

I'm lucky in that my H has always been really supportive of BFing. He has asked me how long we are going to continue, but it was more out of curiosity than because he thinks I should stop. But he also is in the medical field and knows all the research about how beneficial it is and what the WHO recommends. My parents aren't as supportive of BFing this long, but they know it's none of their business.

B is in no way ready to wean. In fact, she realized last week that she could lift my shirt and get to my boobs herself, and now she wants to nurse constantly when we are home. She throws a hissy fit if I tell her no. Thankfully she almost never asks to nurse when we aren't at home anymore.

[TrudyCampbell]

Not an extended BF-er but I would get really annoyed with my H if he asked me this, especially since you're still nursing to sleep. I'd find out why he is asking and immediately shut him down!

[jfh]

I would just say you plan to breastfeed until at least 2 and you'll see where you both are at that point. That way he'll drop it until then, and if you decide to wean before then, fine, and if you decide to go past 2, you can discuss it then.

[joyhart02]

I would probably say what carawestt said because I am a smart ass.

I would just ask his what his concerns are and then tell him that it is yours and Zoe's decision and you are just going with the flow.

Be strong in your decision it is yours.

[silverjm]

Not an EB'er, but DH started asking near the end of EP'ing for us, and after some discussion I realized a couple things:

1. He thought I'd have a concrete answer since I usually did when it came to baby stuff and when things should happen.

2. People at work had been suggesting to DH that our sleep issues might be "fixed" if we stopped MOTN feedings. He could see that the sleep deprivation was getting to me at the time.

3. He's kind of a boob guy and genuinely missed that aspect of our sex life, and while he certainly wasn't putting his wants ahead of DS and my needs, he was just curious about when that might happen.

[skiesthelimit]

I'm still BFing X a lot... so far no one has really said anything because we are normally home when I nurse him. I went to visit my brother over the weekend and my mom, brother and SIL were there when X asked for milk. They didn't say anything to me or even look surprised. My friend knows I'm TTC and yesterday she asked me if I would wean X before the new baby comes and she has mentioned that he doesn't STTN yet because I'm still nursing. I don't really respond. She's the same friend that mentioned a while back that BFing a kid who's old enough to ask for it is disgusting. Yesterday I told her I want to BF him until at least 2 since he can't have cow's milk. I think that's the reason no one really says anything to me, because he's MSPI.

I'm sorry I'm not much help. Maybe you can just start saying that you want to nurse her until at least 2 and that will stop them from asking you for a while.

[claralou]

Sept 3, 2013 6:06:29 GMT -5 bebeetmoi said:

Whenever people ask me- which they do often- I always reply with "whenever she is ready". She dropped down to 2 sessions a day on her own, so I know she will drop it completely when she's ready. If people really push me on it, I'll use the it's-recommended-until-two card but I don't like to get into it, because I find myself getting defensive and there is NO reason I should get defensive about nursing my baby!

All of this. C dropped down from two to just one session last week, and I've been getting a lot of "so you can just stop now, right?" Thankfully, not from H, but my mom's been uncharacteristically questioning lately. I'd just ask P directly where he's coming from and go from there.

Hugs, mama. There's some good advice in this thread.

[PatBenatar]

Ugh I'm sorry. I hope you can make him understand that him asking you is getting frustrating. He may not realize.

Not the same, but my MIL still makes her comments and I just ignore her. I hate feeling like I have to explain myself to anyone, especially since it has nothing to do with them.

[skwcm80]

Whenever I'm asked about weaning my go to answe is, when one or both of us are ready. I would definitely talk to him about what issues he has concerning you continuing to nurse. Sorry that you have to deal with this.

[monkeybabe]

I think part of it, for Patrick, is that Zoe is becoming slightly less attached to me, and really wanting to play with daddy these days. I think he'd like to be able to do bed time, ya know? He's really enjoying that Zoe will be playing with me and start asking for Daddy. This is a very new development in our house.

[laurack]

I know for my H, one of his concerns was her clingyness to me/it made him sad that she didn't want him. While it has reduced SLIGHTLY since weaning a couple months ago, she still is VERY mom-clingy therefore I think the boobs had little to no influence on this.

Is he able to get her to sleep if you aren't there?

[monkeybabe]

Sept 3, 2013 15:07:28 GMT -5 laurack said:

I know for my H, one of his concerns was her clingyness to me/it made him sad that she didn't want him. While it has reduced SLIGHTLY since weaning a couple months ago, she still is VERY mom-clingy therefore I think the boobs had little to no influence on this.

Is he able to get her to sleep if you aren't there?

There are times that she won't go to sleep no matter what, and I go upstairs and go to sleep and leave her with Patsy. She'll bounce off the walls and then eventually pass out somewhere in the house. So, I guess, yes, technically, but it's not like putting her in her bed and having her fall asleep. More go til you drop.

[cat19]

If bedtime participation is the thing that is something i can help with! I feed Lily on the couch, then he brings her upstairs and does all the things I would do that don't involve boobs - rocking, singing, she'll sip a little water... he gets to do bedtime most nights now!

[UnicornDog]

I'm sorry you're not feeling supported.

I would just tell everybody to fuck off and bite me, but I'm a grumpy bitch, so....

[Dorothy Zbornak]

Here are some preliminary results of my overnight experiment with Butters: Not nursing at night has not decreased the number of times he wakes up.


AGGGGGGGHHHHH.