Post by spedrunner on Sept 7, 2013 11:32:51 GMT -5
i received a letter from my XH today, he isnt supposed to contact me i have a restraining order, its not inappropriate, etc
it seems he wants closure. For those following, i left him last year, divorce was finalized in dec/jan (i believe) have not spoken to him since restraining order and break in
not sure if he is sober or high and in what condition he was when he wrote the letter but he ended it with:
'"please just etlell me to leave you alone, i cant get over you and dont want to unless you really want me to just stop bothering you"
I mean, i have not spoken to him and have recieved something similiar before, i chose not to respond. Do i owe him some sort of closure?
Post by lexxasaurus on Sept 7, 2013 11:35:24 GMT -5
No you don't owe him a thing. And he won't quit if you give him a response because that's what he wants. A reaction, negative or positive. You are right to ignore.
I'm a lurker here, but depending on your state, if you respond to him, that could nullify the restraining order. He could use a response as an argument to get the restraining order lifted. Let your lawyer handle it.
Post by sunshineray on Sept 7, 2013 11:45:57 GMT -5
Fuck no. You owe him absolutely nothing. Nada. Seriously, burn the letter and don't respond or acknowledge in any way that you got it. ((Hugs)) Sorry your xH is being a douche again.
ETA: I got ahead of myself. Yes, report it and don't burn the letter. He violated the RO and the judge needs to know that.
Post by EmilieMadison on Sept 7, 2013 11:49:45 GMT -5
Jesus. Seriously? Isn't the RESTRAINING ORDER enough for him to get the "stop bothering me" message? Give the letter/envelope to the police and/or your attorney for proof that he's violated the RO. Do not contact him in any way.
You've done all of the right things by removing him from your life, so continue with that for your own sake. You owe him Not. One. Damn. Thing.
And follow @beagle and sue Sue 's advice - contact your lawyer and the police about the letter, because it violates your RO.
you know, im actually in a good place right now, with therapy, going back to work and working on me, i feel so happy and good, I def have my bad days, but the good part is that this letter is not getting me down and making me have a bad day, just made me think that maybe i do owe him a final leave me alone, BUT i agree to let my lawyer handle it, the divorce, restraining order and no contact should be plenty closure.
What emilie said. I think it's pretty clear by the RO that he is to leave you alone. Do not engage. He's trying to manipulate you. I don't think he is sober because a person who is truly putting an effort into getting clean (and working a 12-step program) would not try to emotionally manipulate you.
I'm really surprised that your subject line says "do I owe him anything?" I can't tell if you're just being facetious or if there's a small part of you that thinks you do owe him something. If you do feel that way, you need to change your way of thinking...stat!
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
This is pretty alarming. He knows you two are divorced. He knows you have a restraining order against him. Did you report it the last time he contacted you? He lacks self control to the point where he will risk jail to once again contact you; he's risked jail to break into your home, to violate your privacy and sense of safety.
I am concerned that you do not understand that the only thing you do when someone violates an RO is to call the police; that you seriously thought that you might still owe him something or other, that you thought that long enough that you might have contacted him. He either cannot or will not leave you alone, even at the risk of going to jail; this is not a safe situation. Are you in therapy?
This is a VERY good point. He seems completely unconcerned about the ramifications of violating the order, possibly because he assumes you wont do anything about it. There's a reason you got divorced and the restraining order in the first place. Dont blow this off.
Post by spedrunner on Sept 7, 2013 12:32:16 GMT -5
Yes I am in therapy and def will talk about it this week (tues). I guess initially I thought "yeah I owe it to him to tell him to leave me alone" but now that I'm thinking more clearly I see that it's stupid and guilt and that I do owe him nothing.
Jesus. Seriously? Isn't the RESTRAINING ORDER enough for him to get the "stop bothering me" message? Give the letter/envelope to the police and/or your attorney for proof that he's violated the RO. Do not contact him in any way.
I'd have to say the fact that it isn't is proof he hasn't changed or learned. Sorry sped, you don't deserve this.
You've done all of the right things by removing him from your life, so continue with that for your own sake. You owe him Not. One. Damn. Thing.
And follow @beagle and sue Sue 's advice - contact your lawyer and the police about the letter, because it violates your RO.
you know, im actually in a good place right now, with therapy, going back to work and working on me, i feel so happy and good, I def have my bad days, but the good part is that this letter is not getting me down and making me have a bad day, just made me think that maybe i do owe him a final leave me alone, BUT i agree to let my lawyer handle it, the divorce, restraining order and no contact should be plenty closure.
I'm so glad to hear this! It does sound like you're in a great place.