Need some perspective

[ECB]

Sept 17, 2013 16:36:56 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

To him, my explanations are excuses...so I struggle to find something to say beyond "I'm sorry."

.

So basically "do everything the way *I* tell you to do it.  Otherwise,  you're wrong".

:-#

[captainmel]

Your H sounds awful actually. It seems like he is knows you are easily manipulated and takes full advantage of it.

Do whatever you can to get into a therapist ASAP and build your self confidence. You deserve respect.

[captainmel]

I just saw that you have a therapy appointment so soon! That will be excellent.

[starrieskies]

Everyone has already said what I wanted to say, so I'm just here to offer hugs.

Your H sounds incredibly controlling and manipulative. I'm so glad that you are seeking out counseling for yourself!!

[partiallysunny]

Yay for therapy! Good luck to you.

He doesn't want you to go because he knows you'll figure out how terrible he really is.

[formerlyak]

If you were to post your story on SO, I bet you'd get a lot of stories back about manipulative ex-husbands that started off exactly this way. Your wedding examples really make me think the problem is more with him than with his family. I had issues with my ex-in laws, but they weren't issues that affected my marriage.

Stay strong and figure out what YOU want.

[tiramisu]

The wedding example just confirmed what I was already thinking. Why the fuck would he keep bringing it up during the ceremony? All I can assume is that he wanted you to see your family as douches for putting you both in the corner/putting him in the corner. While it sounds like your family has treated you poorly and you'd be justified in having minimal contact, it also sounds like he's trying to isolate you.

From your first post I thought there was something not right with this guy. Why the hell are you two fighting about your family every day? Are they doing some new, shitty thing every day? I don't get his actions or what exactly his endgame is, but I do get a bad feeling about him. And with what he said about therapy...it's like he wants you to remain "weak" in his eyes.

I'm glad you have a therapy appointment scheduled. Just keep in mind it's better to have separate therapists for individual and couple's therapy. I hope you click with this one and she can help you sort out how you'd like to proceed.

[margarita]

Good Luck with your appointment. I hope it goes well.

What is the backstory with your family?

[Muddled]

So, I haven't read all of this.

First, the work thing and the family thing should be separate issues. If they are not, you have a problem much bigger than just your family.

Specifically regarding the family stuff, I can identify with your H. My ILs were horrid for me to deal with. My MIL was particularly nasty towards me and H either didn't see it or chose to ignore it for a long while. We fought about it constantly. He would swear that he was sticking up for me, but it would happen on the phone, ie when I wasn't around to witness it. We have finally gotten to the point where we have very clear boundaries and we both work to enforce them, but it took a lot of discussion, role playing, and crazy antics from MIL to get there.

I'm sure there was a point where H may have thought that I was trying to separate him from his family, but the truth is that a spouse should be the #1 family priority. It is a fine line, and one that we probably can't see without a pattern of behavior and the full story from both sides. You've already said that you don't even notice the things your family is doing. They could be doing nothing, or you could be oblivious. I can't tell. What I do know is that I can't understand not making a concerted effort to stick up for your spouse because if I am not comfortable around your family after 8 years, then yes. I am going to ask you to choose your priorities.

[tiramisu]

I admit that I could be extra sensitive to abuse and trauma-related things, to the point of potentially over-generalizing, because I've been talking about, working with, and training on trauma and abuse a lot in the last few weeks.

ETA: I also think there's more going on here than just argument over family. And I amends what I said earlier. Swim Deep, he may not object to therapy because he wants you to be "weak," but it seems like he wants you dependent on him.

[partiallysunny]

It's true we don't know the whole story or his side...

His reactions in the examples rub me the wrong way, though. He doesn't communicate effectively and in a mature manor.

That could be his only "flaw", I'll give you that.

[So_Fetch]

I'm curious what your feelings were towards your family before your H came into the picture. Did you think they were jerks and assholes and drama queens then? It sounds like your H is trying to manipulate you from your family, giving you no one else but him. I'm glad you're able to get in to see a counselor.

[SwimDeep]

Sept 17, 2013 16:46:08 GMT -5 ECB said:

Sept 17, 2013 16:36:56 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

To him, my explanations are excuses...so I struggle to find something to say beyond "I'm sorry."

.

So basically "do everything the way *I* tell you to do it.  Otherwise,  you're wrong".

:-#

Nail on the head right here. There's not really a way to argue with that, is there?