I used to frequent the knot and such back when I was planning my wedding. Well! Now I find myself here, a little tattered and bruised. My skin is a little thin, so lay it on lightly if you can. I've been married just 4 years and have an amazing 2 year old daughter. She is the reason I've kept it together. And a miniature long haired weenie who licks me whenever I need! My husband made some promises (if only I could turn back time and still have my daughter) to me before we decided we were 'ready' to start our family. It's taken a long almost 3 years for him to make progress. It's not where I want it to be, but it's much better. I can't seem to forgive him for taking so long to respect my needs and wishes and hold up his end of the promise. There were some very mean conversations had through those almost 3 years and he did some very disrespectful things to me and in front of friends and family. (not abuse) I don't love him anymore. I'm so angry and resentful that I don't give him credit for anything. I don't have a desire for him intimately and he is very needy with that. So that is a MAJOR source of contention right now. He continues to have (truly) minor slip ups and I don't give him credit for how good he has done recently and how far he has come. I feel like a total bitch but I also feel validated in that he did this to himeself.
I'm rambling.... I have a counseling appointment set up tomorrow and will go bi-weekly in both personal and joint because I feel like I need to at least make an attempt to keep our family together. Tell me that there is a chance I can get over this and fall in love with him again? He truly tries to make it better, i've just got a huge wall up and can't seem to let him in.
Post by starrieskies on Sept 24, 2013 11:28:56 GMT -5
I completely understand wanting to do everything you can before you call it quits, been there done that. In the end, for me it didn't change anything. Change is possible, but it's a long hard road, and if you two are going to make it you BOTH have to put the work in.
For me, by the time my stbx finally decided to "come to the party", the party was over. It took me a long time, and lots of therapy to feel comfortable with that, but that's where I am.
I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, but I hope you stick around. The ladies here provide amazing advice and are the best support system I could have ever hoped for.
Post by captainmel on Sept 24, 2013 11:32:43 GMT -5
If you really resent him this much why are you trying to save the relationship? Your daughter will most certainly start to pick up on the discontent from both you and your H and you do not want her to see that.
Have you considered that for your daughter it could be best if you separate?
Post by cuddlyevil on Sept 24, 2013 11:44:30 GMT -5
How much longer are you willing to wait for him to make the changes you need? It's been three years, that kind of resentment is difficult to get past even with professional help.
I am glad you're going to indvidual counseling and joint too. If you feel like you should give saving the marriage a go, you need to do both AND so does he.
Post by partiallysunny on Sept 24, 2013 11:49:05 GMT -5
I think if you wanted to, you probably could forgive him.
But I get the feeling that you feel like the marriage has been over for some time. Sometimes when things seen like they are never going to change, you start to prepare yourself for what seems like the inevitable end.
Once you start to prepare, it's hard to turn back.
Which is why there is the phrase " too little, too late".
I hope therapy gives you the answer you are looking for.
It's really, really hard to come back from this kind of resentment. Counseling may help, or it may just cement the discontent you're already having. Either way, it's good that you're going.
Thanks ladies for your responses. To answer some of your questions: Yes I have definitely thought about what it's doing to my daughter. I've given myself a 6 month or so timeline to shit or get off the pot for that reason as well as some others. I feel like he is 'at the party' now so I feel like we are both in it so it will either work or not. I too am worried it's little too late but I also have guilt that because of some personal issues I haven't given the situation my 100%. So I guess this is me giving it my all for a period of time to either make it work or move on.
Post by captainmel on Sept 24, 2013 12:03:38 GMT -5
It seems like you're doing everything you need to do to figure out a messy situation. Give it time with therapy and do a lot of honest reflection on your feelings. If you do that you'll figure out what's best.
Post by partiallysunny on Sept 24, 2013 12:11:56 GMT -5
Sometimes it takes time for our head to be in sink with our emotions or vice versa.
Either way, with the help of therapy, you'll get to a place where everything aligns and you'll feel at peace with your decision. What ever that may be.
Thank you for being sternly gentle! Sometimes it just feels good to hear other perspectives (gets me thinking) and validations. It's hard to always share all the 'dirty' detais with close friends and family all the time.
Sometimes it takes time for our head to be in sink with our emotions or vice versa.
Either way, with the help of therapy, you'll get to a place where everything aligns and you'll feel at peace with your decision. What ever that may be.
Sometimes it takes time for our head to be in sink with our emotions or vice versa.
Either way, with the help of therapy, you'll get to a place where everything aligns and you'll feel at peace with your decision. What ever that may be.
PS's advice is exactly my thoughts.
I know that nobody but myself can make the decision but this statement makes my stomach turn. I feel like I've prepped myself for the worst for so long that I am a stone wall of no emotions. It scares me. Hopefully therapy will bring me to ask the questions of myself to decide what I need to do.
Eh I know from experience that once the resentment reaches a certain level there is NO turning back. I would guess you are there already, but if you think a 6 month time line will make you feel better go for it.
im in the camp that you have given him 3 years and his time has run out.