Therapy Update!(?)

[missme]

Well! She isn't going to be my best friend but I liked what she had to say and I like her approach. There is a long road ahead of me (us).
H needs to agree to a few things to make this work and I'm anxious for that conversation.
(He needs medical help for his anxiety and he goes on and off his meds, needs to agree to ind. counseling for himself and most of all make a commitment to work on his coping mechanisms.)
I am going weekly for now which eases my anxiety of not knowing what to do and where to go in certain situations.

If anyone has any ideas on how to make the most of my hour sessions, I'd greatly appreciate it!

Thanks again for your support!

[captainmel]

I have never done a large amount of therapy so I don't have too much to offer there. Just be really honest with her so that she can fairly evaluate and help you.

Big hugs, you're heading down a long path but it will most certainly end up helping you a lot. I also feel like if your husband has anxiety issues that could be contributing a lot to his behavior because a lot of people with anxiety issues also have control issues.

[tiramisu]

That sounds like a good start. As far as how to get the most out of your sessions, think about what you want to get out of therapy and talk about that with her. You can flat out tell her "I want to figure out if I'm handling my family the best I can" or "I'd like to improve my ability to set boundaries" or anything like that. Also make sure you don't spend the whole time talking about YH but talk about how you feel, what you think, how you respond/handle things. Focus on you, not them.

I'm glad it sounds like YH is committing to making changes. I hope he can see that the way he's handled things isn't great and that he's likely laid far too much blame at your feet. Some of his behavior may be due to anxiety, or there may be other factors present. I hope he's able to make progress and be a better, more supportive partner to you.

[partiallysunny]

That's a great start!

Has your H agreed to go to therapy?

I think you can go about therapy one of two ways if you want to make the most of you're sessions. Either think about the thing that week that made you the most anxious/upset and talk about that. Or go in with a goal in mind. Focus on working on boundaries with your parents or how to deal with your H when he starts to pressure you to confront your family.

[missme]

Thanks for the tips. I need to do some soul searching before my next appointment!
I breifly talked to H about some of the specifics of what I need from him and he got a little defensive. I've tabled it for now and will bring it up again this weekend. He is willing to go to counseling which is good, but I get the feeling that he is a little guarded about it and already feels 'ganged' up on.
The bottom line for me is that he has to go and has to get back on his meds FOR GOOD. If he doesn't do both in a timely fashion then we're just going to be done.
Good points on anxiety and control. I stupidly never put those two together, but that's totally logical and completely fits him.

-On a side note to clear up your comment Partiallysunny, he isn't pressuring me to confront my family. He lashes out at me in front of them and says really damaging and stupid things. Which then in turn he feels totally humiliated and pulls further from them. And my family is much closer with him than his is. The more I type the more dynamics I see that need to be worked on... UGH... Better buckle up and order me some GOOD wine!!

[partiallysunny]

Sorry. Thanks for clearing that up.

I'm curious about what things he lashes at you about infront of your family.


*Yep, I mixed you up with swimsdeep. Sorry for the confusion*

[tiramisu]

Wait, he's rude to you/treats you badly in front of your parents and then wants you to fix things that he made go badly?

[missme]

For example on the lashing out: Our daughter recently turned two and we had a 'brunch' time party due to when she naps. Drinking is his coping mechanism and it's been a MAJOR issue that we've highlighted working on for most of this time. So, specifically I do not serve at her bday parties because his family will happily partake to the max. Before the party started he went to open a bottle of champagne to have a mimosa. My family was all in the kitchen helping and I nicely asked him to not have one. He got very defensive and an argument ensued! He stormed out to the garage to get a pop and I followed. I begged him to not ruin her birthday and told him that I was done dealing with his bullshit! He then proceeded to come in the house, slam the door and proclaim to my family the we're getting a divorce. Because he wanted a mimosa.
He went up to our room and pouted. He later came down very humiliated and apologized profusely.
For the record, I don't accept his apologies anymore. They don't mean shit to me! And he knows it!
All in a day ladies!

[captainmel]

So... He's an alcoholic too? Has he ever tried to get help for that? I think you should add AA onto the mandatory attendance list for both of you.

Honestly though, the more examples you give the more I wonder why you're bothering to put in effort to fix this. Your H sounds absolutely exhausting.

[cuddlyevil]

I agree with Mel. You need to get to Al-Anon and he should get to AA forthwith.

Do you think that he will actually do everything you ask him to do (counseling, etc)? Or do you think he'll go for a few sessions and then start making excuses about why he can't make it?

[tiramisu]

I also agree with Mel. And I'm standing by what I said when you first started posting that he sounds no good also.

I know change is hard and takes time. But I think by acknowledging the negatives here and talking about it that you're taking the first step. I also think that deep down you know what you need to do, but I also know it takes time to turn that into action.

Big hugs for you!

[partiallysunny]

I'm sorry, that situation sounds terrible. I don't think you should have followed him to confront him when he walked away (causing a tense situation to be even more tense), but really that is a minor infraction compared to what happened in that example.

My heart breaks for you that such a situation is "all in a day". That should not be your normal.

[missme]

yeah! Writing a lot of it out makes me see how fucked up it really is. I am at work right now and fighting tears so I am going to not look until after work.
SO.. thanks ladies! I appreciate all of your support!

[lys]

Therapy can be hard work and things can look like they are getting worse before they get better during the process.
I highly recommend journaling daily - events in your day, your thoughts and feelings, things from your past - what ever comes to mind. Over time you will see patterns develop and that will be helpful as well.

[captainmel]

Sept 26, 2013 10:31:11 GMT -5 missme said:

yeah! Writing a lot of it out makes me see how fucked up it really is. I am at work right now and fighting tears so I am going to not look until after work.
SO.. thanks ladies! I appreciate all of your support!

Stick around. We can be pretty awesome. Also, come play in other posts too. The ladies here can provide a lot of laughs as well as some good support when you need it.

[tiramisu]

Sept 26, 2013 10:31:11 GMT -5 missme said:

yeah! Writing a lot of it out makes me see how fucked up it really is. I am at work right now and fighting tears so I am going to not look until after work.
SO.. thanks ladies! I appreciate all of your support!

((missme))
Sometimes it takes us a while to see what's in front of us and to decide what to do about it. I'll ditto mel, please do stick around.

[missme]

Thank you again ladies! I will be sticking around! I need all of your insight!