So... How do I do this?

[prettymuchlost]

It's not cemented yet, but as of a few hours ago it seems as if I'm going to have to start over.

My husband of just over a year decided to let me know that he doesn't know if he enjoys being married or if he sees a future with me or not. I'm basically heart broken. The worst part is being in limbo. I asked him point blank if he wanted to be with me and he couldn't give me a legitimate answer. Which, to me, feels like he doesn't, but he doesn't want to be the one to end it.

So, how do I do this? How do I start over when every plan I have for the future is absolutely destroyed?

[hobs209]

I'm so sorry Is he willing to try counseling?

You do it one breath at a time, one second at a time, using a good support system, a good counselor, and this board.

You allow yourself to grieve because it's a substantial loss. Don't be afraid to feel lost and cry. But the ladies on this board will show you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel .

[prettyinpearls]

I'm willing to bet there's someone else.

[prettymuchlost]

I've mentioned counseling, but he hasn't given me an answer one way or another.

I've got the crying part down. Really good. It's all such a shock to me.

Pretty - In a way, there is someone else. Granted, not what you're thinking. He's home most of the time. Never away at night. But, the last several months he's been drinking. A lot. I don't approve and I'm pretty sure this is his way of picking the alcohol over me.

[prettyinpearls]

Jun 22, 2012 19:52:18 GMT -5 prettymuchlost said:

Pretty - In a way, there is someone else. Granted, not what you're thinking. He's home most of the time. Never away at night. But, the last several months he's been drinking. A lot. I don't approve and I'm pretty sure this is his way of picking the alcohol over me.

What does he do for work? My XH was never away at night and home all the time. If he was away from the house on the weekends, it was ALWAYS somewhere I could account for...usually with my dad doing something. His affair developed while he was at work...with his co-worker.

What your H said to you is nearly exactly what my XH said to me. He moved out on our 2nd wedding anniversary after I told him I was "done living like this". He was always a drinker, but after he told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't know he if wanted our marriage to work, he turned back to the bottle. Hard. He was gone for entire weekends, coming home the next morning still drunk. It was sad, actually.

[prettymuchlost]

He's an engineer. His office is all males with the exception of his supervisor who is a great deal older than him. But, you never know. I've been cheated on numerous times before and I can usually call it out immediately. I'm just not getting that feeling from him. Even if there is someone else, the only thing I'm asking for is some freaking clarity. You wouldn't think that would be too much to ask. I mean, you either want to be with me, or you don't. Right?

I can definitely see him going off the deep end with drinking if/when we officially split. He handles any and every stress/celebration/bowel movement/whatever with drinking. I really sucks knowing that I've given him everything I possibly could these last 4.5-5 years and he's willing to throw it all away so he can act like a college kid again. You're 33 years old! Get over it!

Ugh, I want to hit him but that would be domestic assault. Or abuse. Or something. I'm moving on from depression to anger, apparently.

[prettyinpearls]

Unfortuntately, it sounds like you'll be the one who will need to make the decision. Maybe he's already made up his mind but is too chickenshit to do anything about it. My XH didn't say anything to me until I flat out asked me if he loved me anymore. He didn't move out until I told him I was done living like that (he HAD been looking at apts, so that was a plus). I had to file for divorce...3 months later, because I had finally had it. If I hadn't made the effort, we'd still be married today. I shudder at the thought.

This was all sprung on you yesterday? Today? Take some time to sleep on it, yell, scream, fight. Whatever you need to do. Hold on for the ride, because it'll be a rough one. Don't nag him for a decision/answer because he likely doesn't have one at this point.

[livinitup]

Take a step back.

And decide what you need from him to:
-stay,

and what you need for him to:
- go

It's not very complicated. I know it FEELS like it is very complicated. But he has put you and your relationship in limbo. Okay, it happens. What do YOU need right now?

And answer REALLY based on what YOU need, not on what he can give you. Give yourself a chance to really dig down, past the hopes and 'I wishes, and 'if onlys - right to the I WANTS. RIGHT NOW.

It's okay to want and expect things from your spouse.

And then tell him.






Don't be scared that he can't give them. With an alcohol problem, he probably can't. But at least be CLEAR with yourself and with him what you want.

That isn't complicated .... or too much to ask.

Even if the answer is "nope". At least YOU are being honest. And if he leaves, you CAN handle it. With support, with help, with changes, you CAN handle it.

[prettymuchlost]

Thanks for the support and advice ladies.

He got home from work and refuses to talk to me, although I'm not sure I want him to. I kind of want him to think things out.
He threw all this on me this afternoon and, in all honesty, I'm hoping it was just a heat of the moment thing. I did tell him, however, that if this was going to work, he needed to quit drinking. He's, bluntly, an asshole when he drinks. Sweetest guy ever sober but give him a few drinks... oh man. I want to smack him. I know I don't deserve to be with someone who isn't willing to exert the same effort as I am.

If I had it my way we'd be together for the next 50 years. But (I know I sound lame) I want him to be happy and if that doesn't involve me, then so be it. The one thing I can say is that I am an amazing wife. I work my ass off for him and if he doesn't appreciate it or even care that I'm doing it, then why stay?

Pretty - I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't believe he wants to be with me anymore but if I end things then he can be the victim. The stubbornness in me wants to try and wait him out, but mentally I don't think I'd be able to handle it.

livin - Thank you for your entire post. I appreciate the straightforwardness. God knows I'm not getting any of that right now.

[doriswe]

I agree with PiP on this one. My XH pulled a lot of the same stuff, minus he didn't drink that much (although when he did, it wasn't pretty). He refused to make a decision, because he wanted to play the victim card. The only reason he finally made a decision about divorce is because I had had enough of the wishy washy crap and demanded that he file for divorce and finally own his actions.

And as for your H drinking if things fall apart....that is his bad decision to make....it is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility if he does dumb shit. He is a grown man who is allowed to make poor decisions.

Oh, and hugs and welcome!

[prettymuchlost]

I've been making a game plan, for either out come. If we end up splitting there are few things that I actually want. I could care less about the house, the cars, whatever. I just want a few household items. And my dogs. The dogs could cause a custody dispute... Granted they MY dogs. I take care of them, feed them, train them.... Everything (and they love me more). But since he's spent more money on them (he makes a lot more than I do) he's going to pull that card.

Anyone ever dealt with a pet custody issue?

[hobs209]

Jun 22, 2012 21:59:16 GMT -5 prettymuchlost said:

I've been making a game plan, for either out come. If we end up splitting there are few things that I actually want. I could care less about the house, the cars, whatever. I just want a few household items. And my dogs. The dogs could cause a custody dispute... Granted they MY dogs. I take care of them, feed them, train them.... Everything (and they love me more). But since he's spent more money on them (he makes a lot more than I do) he's going to pull that card.

Anyone ever dealt with a pet custody issue?

The night I left I packed a bag of clothes and took my dog with me without asking questions. I told him later that I was keeping her and he said he wanted to see her sometimes and I agreed. I don't anticipate it lasting long.

Whose name is vet ppwk, registration, etc in?

ETA: I meant to include that I always thought it would be a huge battle as well because I used to tell him that if we split she was mine and he fought me on it AND everything was in his name. When it came down to it, I wasn't taking the risk of asking and figured that I'd deal with it when/if he tried to stop me.

[BookLover]

I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. It's a sucky situation.

As far as animals. I took the dog with me. He has tried countless times to say it is his dog. I say, bull, it is my dog. You can pay for a dog, but the person who takes care of it is the one who the pet belongs to.

And your H is trying to push you to make the decision it seems. He is a chicken who doesn't want to end it.

[mandimija]

Take this time to figure things out for yourself. Do you really, and I mean really, want to stay with him? Screw the fact that you're married for a moment: do you want to live day in and day out with this man? If the answer is no, then you need to leave.

Yes, drinking is a huge issue. Mine started going out to bars during our separation and actually not only brought a bar chick home to my damned house, but gave her some of my stuff, claiming that it was technically also his and he could therefore do what he wished with it and I needed to stop being selfish (given, it was just a crochet hook and some yarn, but still...don't give away my crap, arsenugget!). It was if alcohol (which he wasn't supposed to be using at all with his depression meds) made him into a totally different person. You can't live with that. You can't expose your future (or current, if there are any) children to that BS.

Take the dog. XH tried to pull that with the cat. It was all noise.

I'd say either he starts acting like a man or he packs his shit up and leaves. Let him play the victim. People will eventually see through his BS. It may take a bit, but it will happen. I promise.

Also, be kind to yourself right now. Let yourself feel the emotion, and realize that it does eventually get better. It's going to be a long, hard road, but it's worth it. Counseling, time to take care of you, and this board will work wonders.