How/what do I tell my 5yo?

[jojoandleo]

My parents divorced when I was five and my sister was 7. They both sat us down and told us how much they love us first and foremost. They said no matter what, that would never change. My mom said her and dad were not going to live together anymore, but they would both still see me and my sister.

I think it is important to let your kids know you both love them and none of this is their fault. She may be upset. My sister kicked my mom (I on the other hand was excited about getting 2 Christmases). It's okay if she is. If she has real trouble with it, you may want to take her to a counselor who she can talk to as a neutral 3rd party to help her understand everything.

You aren't going to fuck up your kids. I was much happier with 2 happy parents than with my parents fighting and all the tension. It also was good to see my mom not just staying in an unhappy marriage. It helped me not settle for XFI.

[doriswe]

I'm sorry your going through this (hugs)

I second what jojo said. XH and I did something similiar to that and DS was 7. There are times he comes home from XH's and is really nasty or sad or whatever, and I just continue to reassure him that XH and I both love him and are so happy he is in our lives.

I'll also add, most kids know what's going on, even if you don't fight in front of them.

Hang in there!

[formerlyak]

My ds was three when we divorced. It was almost three years ago, and to be honest I don't even remember when/how we told him. We told him, obviously, but I don't remember the details. I know we both told him we loved him and that would never change. We presented it as we just can't live together anymore because it makes us unhappy, and we want everyone to be happy. We waited to tell him until we knew what our custody arrangement would be like so we could explain that to him. I realize not everyone can wait for that, but we had that part figured out pretty quickly (in fact, when ex told me he wanted a divorce, the first words out of my mouth were, "I want custody of ds.")

I say this not to say that it was easy or whatever, but to try to reassure you that as long as you do this in a loving way as a united front you aren't going to "fuck up your kids." I can't even remember the day or the conversation! But this year at the end of year kindergarten picnic, both ex and I were in attendance and ds' teacher told us that she has never had a student from a divorced family that was as well adjusted as ds and it was a testament to the way we both handle the situation. The conversation isn't what will make or break this situation, it's how you and your h behave after that will matter.

[chrissie3416]

My DD was 5 when my XH and I seperated. We went to a counselor prior to telling her to get advice. We also never fought in front of her. We told our daughter that there are different kinds of love and we no longer had married love for one another so that was why we wouldnt be married anymore. But that We had family love for her and family love never runs out. We made sure we knew exactly waht the arrangements were going to be first to so there would be a sense of stability during a time of chaos. We also bought a calendar and marked off mommy days and daddy days. My daughter has adjusted well.

[livinitup]

You've gotten great advice on your question. I'd like to add that there are legal implications for leaving your place of residence. So, you should consult an attorney about your plans before you do anything. And decide if its in your best interest or his to move to the new lease. Especially, in planning where the children will live. I would hate to see you leave for a trial separation, and then feel like you can't visit the children whenever you wish b/c you don't have the right of access to the property. It would also help to explain things if you had a clear plan to explain. Legal conversations tend to help with that.