Lurker w/a WWMLD?

[mssallyfield]

I have a friend who is struggling right now.  Can't manage to get steady employment, was living paycheck to paycheck before that anyway.  Living with a guy, they were in a relationship but now it's to the point they're roommates, and they cannot agree on anything. And I mean that in an almost literal sense.  She has hoarded up the house, mostly because she doesn't want him to move his friend into the house and have them ganging up on her to kick her out.  (it's not logical thinking, but that's another issue)

Twice in the past few months, I have sent her some articles, mostly about how to perservere in hard times, but the most recent one was about how to clean the house when your roommate doesn't help.  When I sent that article, I specifically stated that I realize the article is about cleaning, but look at it in a more global way in terms of your relationship with your roommate.  She got all fired up and basically told me that I'm pushing her buttons, and she knows that it's coming from a place of love, but that I should basically lay off and quit trying to 'help'. 

So, I'm not sure exactly how to respond.  I understand that she's not in a good place, and I'm willing to back off like she's asking.  I just don't know how to say that so it's 'neutral' and can't be misinterpreted??? 

[MWOS]

how old are you

[sparkythelawyer]

Lay off and quit trying to help

[nomad100]

Apologize for overstepping. Tell her that you didn't mean to push her buttons. And then quit sending her articles.

Then ask her if you can take her out for dinner, get together for some event, or something to get her out of the house (your treat, of course since she is struggling financially) and listen to her IF she wants to talk about it, otherwise, just let it be. You can't fix this no matter how many articles you send.

[wambam]

Step away. She doesn't want your advice, so stop trying to give it.

[nsl]

No, you don't stay "neutral" when you've been an asshole. You apologize for overstepping, and you learn a valuable lesson about how not to interact with other people.

[leeann]

I don't know why you felt compelled to send the articles in the first place. If she asks for advice/help/guidance, you can suggest resources. Otherwise, sending articles is just annoying and would piss me off, too.

[BaliHai]

You apologize, and you stop offering advice she didn't ask for. Sometimes all people need is a night out or a night in or a coffee/lunch/dinner date where the topic of conversation is anything BUT what a mess their life is.

[Saint Monica]

Please share some of these articles with us.

mssallyfield

[mssallyfield]

Thanks for your replies, definitely gave me good food for thought. She lives across the country, so taking her out isn't an option, but I've sent her gas cards, grocery store cards, etc. Here's my reply:

"I'm sorry that this bothered you. I understand you're going through a rough time, and you are right, I was trying to be helpful, but obviously that wasn't the right way. I'm always here if you need me."

[miniroller]

'Ok. I'm sorry. I love you.'
This is my recommended response. Ball's in her court to make the next contact.

[SKP82]

PPs have pretty much covered it. She's not asking for your advice, so stay out of it and stop sending her articles.

I would also be super annoyed if I were her.

[shostakovich]

Oct 1, 2013 13:17:49 GMT -5 mssallyfield said:

Thanks for your replies, definitely gave me good food for thought. She lives across the country, so taking her out isn't an option, but I've sent her gas cards, grocery store cards, etc. Here's my reply:

"I'm sorry that this bothered you. I understand you're going through a rough time, and you are right, I was trying to be helpful, but obviously that wasn't the right way. I'm always here if you need me."

Again, this reply is obviously coming a place of love, but the bolded is what is called a "non-pology."  You don't say "I'm sorry this bothered you," or "I'm sorry you see it that way," or whatever.  You just say "I'm sorry."

[tulip]

Are you my MIL?!? Even when we lived 15mins from us she would MAIL cut out articles from magazines, newspapers and instead of forwarding emails she'd mail those also. ANNOYING.

Please, don't ever do this again.

[trafficgirl]

Oct 1, 2013 13:23:49 GMT -5 shostakovich said:

Oct 1, 2013 13:17:49 GMT -5 mssallyfield said:

Thanks for your replies, definitely gave me good food for thought. She lives across the country, so taking her out isn't an option, but I've sent her gas cards, grocery store cards, etc. Here's my reply:

"I'm sorry that this bothered you. I understand you're going through a rough time, and you are right, I was trying to be helpful, but obviously that wasn't the right way. I'm always here if you need me."

Again, this reply is obviously coming a place of love, but the bolded is what is called a "non-pology."  You don't say "I'm sorry this bothered you," or "I'm sorry you see it that way," or whatever.  You just say "I'm sorry."

Yes, this. I was trying to figure out how to say the same thing. There's an implied "but" in there - "I'm sorry that this bothered you but I'm not sorry I did it".

I hate it when people do that.

[nomad100]

Oct 1, 2013 13:17:49 GMT -5 mssallyfield said:

"I'm sorry that this bothered you. I understand you're going through a rough time, and you are right, I was trying to be helpful, but obviously that wasn't the right way. I'm always here if you need me."

I hate to beat you up since I can tell you care about your friend but this response stinks.

You should have taken ownership that you overstepped and gave advice that wasn't asked for and ultimately wasn't well received.  And let her her that it won't happen again.  That she should let you know how best to support her in any changes she decides to make in her life. 

If i got your email I have to say I would probably be more angry because the first sentence makes it seem like the fact that I was bothered by them is somehow my fault.  (I hate apologies that are along the lines of "I am sorry you are upset/bothered/angered by something I did" versus "I am sorry for what I did."  Do you see the difference?)

[sonrisa]

I know you mean well, but just stop.

If people could persevere their way through mental illness and other big challenges with a vacuum, the world would be a much simpler place. I don't know what is going on with your friend, but her problems go beyond something that can be fixed with some witty quips and seven point how-to list from ladies home journal.

[snickers]

Oct 1, 2013 13:04:44 GMT -5 sameoldash said:

if i was in a really bad way, and somebody sent me an article about fucking cleaning, i would shank them.

This.

[ElizabethBennet]

This totally reminds me of my grandma. She used to send me articles that she thought would "help" me.

[Deleted]

"Dear friend: you're right. I thought I was helping by sending you reading material when obviously that's not what anyone in your situation would benefit from. I'm really sorry. Let's go out to dinner/drinks/coffee. My treat. And then you can let me know what it is I can do to help, even if it's just listening "

[Kit]

MYOB.

[MixedBerryJam]

Oct 1, 2013 13:01:17 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

You know what I hated when I was going through a rough time? When my friend would send me links to blogs about how to keep fighting through.

All you have to say is "I'm sorry, you're right, and I'll stop."

And then mention that my house is messy.

[MixedBerryJam]

Oct 1, 2013 13:11:10 GMT -5 kessieblue said:

Oct 1, 2013 13:04:44 GMT -5 sameoldash said:

if i was in a really bad way, and somebody sent me an article about fucking cleaning, i would shank them.

This. Even sending articles about "persevering" is not helpful. If she wanted to read about these things, she could google them herself. If she needs anything from you (and that's a big if - she may not need anything from you) it is friendship, support, and understanding. Sending articles is so impersonal. It's also a little bit condescending. Like you know better than she does and you're trying to guide her. I'd be pretty pissed. Just talk to her, let her vent, and take her out to get her mind off of things drunk. 

Soooooo close!

[MixedBerryJam]

Oct 1, 2013 13:17:49 GMT -5 mssallyfield said:

Thanks for your replies, definitely gave me good food for thought. She lives across the country, so taking her out isn't an option, but I've sent her gas cards, grocery store cards, etc. Here's my reply:

"I'm sorry that this bothered you. I understand you're going through a rough time, and you are right, I was trying to be helpful, but obviously that wasn't the right way. I'm always here if you need me."

No, try this next time: "I'm sorry I screwed up. Love, Sally"