My parents treated me this way and it eventually led me to move out, which probably would have happened anyway, eventually. This just made it happen sooner and with more tears and yelling.
My mom has since told me that she regrets treating me that way, because she didn't want me to leave the house so soon.
Just something to think about.
I'm assuming you were an adult at this point? Maybe I'm weird, but I can't imagine WANTING my adult child to live at home. My work here is done! Go thrive and be your own person, and come over for dinner on Sundays and tell me how great life is. lol
The fact that I don't actually HAVE a child probably colors that thought process.
Yes, I was 20 when I moved out. I was going to college and working full time, paying mostly for my own way except for rent.
I can't speak for you, but this is what my mom has told me about her experience. My dad basically told me to leave and my mom didn't want me to go, but didn't tell me until a couple of years ago.
I would have moved out a year or so later, anyway, because I was engaged and ready to move in with H, then FI.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
Post by Velvetshady on Oct 2, 2013 12:05:00 GMT -5
First, I'd make her pay some level of rent if she is not in school. If you can afford it, I'd put it in account to give her to help her get on her feet when she does move out (don't tell her though).
If she is paying rent, she gets treated like a housemate, not as a child. She should have some responsibilities in the house (again, not chores like a kid). No curfew but giving you a heads up when she isn't coming home or when she is going to be extremely late is a good thing.
My dad lived with me part time after I graduated college and I had no issues with telling him if I wasn't coming home (and I had lived alone for 4 years before that)--it was more so he didn't have to freak if he heard someone coming in late at night or if I wasn't there in the morning. Common courtesy vs a "curfew". He told me when his plans had changed and he wasn't going to be there as planned (or longer than planned).
Maybe its because I'm older than most of the people on this board, but I agree with those who say "my house, my rules." She's not doing anything right now in terms of working FT or going to school and seems to think there are no consequences for having someone else support your a$$ at 19. If she doesn't like it, she can get a job, pay for an apt and stay out as long as she wants. Even if she paid $300 rent at your place-its still your house, your rules. At 19 she needs to understand that life's not a cake walk.
I've only read the first page of replies, but I don't understand this whole "no curfew for the adult child!" posts. Um, my house, my rules, and I'm imposing them strictly upon you in part because I don't want you to get too comfortable here. You're an ADULT. If you don't want to live by another adult's rules, then find your own place. Like an adult.
i guess for me I never had a curfews so a curfew for a 19 yr old seems silly. Mom had a let me know where you'll be and when you'll be home and call if it changes policy. Because she gave us that trust we all 4 honored it and didn't do the sneaking in/out lying thing. it avoided creating a battle ground unnecessarily.
Post by wrathofkuus on Oct 3, 2013 12:39:11 GMT -5
I'm not even sure that, in this day and age of cell phones, you even need to know where the 19 year old is staying in case you need to reach her.
All the rules either just because it's your house, or because you want to chase a kid out, are weird and kind of crazy. Why would you WANT to use the fact that she's living with you to leverage control over her? And if you want her to move out, then why not just tell her that she has a deadline to find an apartment?
This is, of course, in reference to the discussion that has happened because of the OP, not a response to the OP herself.
Post by wrathofkuus on Oct 3, 2013 12:39:15 GMT -5
I'm not even sure that, in this day and age of cell phones, you even need to know where the 19 year old is staying in case you need to reach her.
All the rules either just because it's your house, or because you want to chase a kid out, are weird and kind of crazy. Why would you WANT to use the fact that she's living with you to leverage control over her? And if you want her to move out, then why not just tell her that she has a deadline to find an apartment?
This is, of course, in reference to the discussion that has happened because of the OP, not a response to the OP herself.