Anyone have 'adult' children living with them?

[kiminky]

My 19 y/o SD lives with us. She started her freshman year of college last fall living in the dorms, for many reasons she moved back home for spring semester. She decided not to return to college this year (we don't know how long this 'break' will be). She is now working full time. She does not like the rules we have here I.e. curfew, no spending the night at the boyfriends, etc. If it matters, she pays $100/month towards car insurance and $50/month towards her phone, as well as for her gas. We seem to be having trouble knowing how to parent (or not parent) a child in our house who is technically an adult. For those who have or are experiencing this how did you work through the growing pains?

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[VeryViolet]

I lived at home for a while after college so a little different and obviously I am coming at this from a different perspective. It is hard because it is very much your house, your rules but I also know that it was a lot easier for me and I think my parents when we all kind of treated each other as adults. I still respected they were doing me a huge favor because I lived in a hcol area and made nothing but they didn't super lay down the law because I wasn't an asshole.

[flamingeaux]

When I was still living at home, I paid all of my car notes, and insurance, and my cell phone bill. If I wanted to spend the night anywhere else, I had to call and let them know I wouldn't be coming home that night. I contributed to household chores, groceries, and shuttling my sister back and forth, as needed.

[verypunny]

I think a curfew is ridiculous, she wouldn't have one at school. Tell her to be quiet, respectful and to let you know when you should and should not expect her. If she does those things and isn't waking up the whole house stumbling in at 3am then you need to ease up.

[cbwm1]

I agree that a curfew is ridiculous. You need to start treating her like an adult in order for her start behaving like one.

Giving her a curfew basically tells her you don't trust her and still see her as a child.

[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:12:20 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

What's her curfew?

Weeknights it is 11 pm, which I know sounds ridiculous for a 19 y/o, but my husband has to get up pretty early for work and we have a couple of dogs, which meant every time she came home late the dogs would go crazy barking and wake the whole house up. I have a 14 y/o who has to be up by 5:45 am for school also. She also has to be at work at 9 am, so for the most part that one isn't a problem, b/c she wants to be in bed by a decent time anyway. Weekends it is 1 am, which I have tried to talk to my husband about making later, but so far he isn't budging.

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[Deleted]

What's the reasoning behind a curfew? I could get on board with it if she was disrupting your sleep and schedule. Otherwise it's a bit much.

[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:18:22 GMT -5 mofongo said:

I think she should have to pay for all of her own bills, help with household chores but I don't think she should really have a curfew. I do think she needs to let you know when she's sleeping out, though.

Do you think we should have her paying more then what she is currently paying I.e. groceries, rent?

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[hisno1girl]

I haven't had to deal with this as my daughter moved out at age 18 but I think it's still pretty simple: Age doesn't matter. my house, my rules. Don't like it? Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

ETA: I think you are perfectly within reason about asking her to be in before a certain time because of the barking dogs and the fact that other people need to wake up early. 

[berbles]

Agree with the others. Get rid of the curfew and let her stay out of the house, as long as she lets you know at a reasonable hour that she won't be home.

She should also be contributing to the household, even if that means just doing grocery store runs for you or cooking dinner once a week.

[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:21:05 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

What's the reasoning behind a curfew? I could get on board with it if she was disrupting your sleep and schedule. Otherwise it's a bit much.

I should also add that my husband is pretty overprotective of her right now, she was in a bad car accident at the beginning of the summer, where one of her best friends (who was also a passenger) died. I think my husband is just so freaked out to think of her driving around at all hours of the night.

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[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:23:18 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

Oct 1, 2013 21:19:28 GMT -5 kiminky said:

Weeknights it is 11 pm, which I know sounds ridiculous for a 19 y/o, but my husband has to get up pretty early for work and we have a couple of dogs, which meant every time she came home late the dogs would go crazy barking and wake the whole house up. I have a 14 y/o who has to be up by 5:45 am for school also. She also has to be at work at 9 am, so for the most part that one isn't a problem, b/c she wants to be in bed by a decent time anyway. Weekends it is 1 am, which I have tried to talk to my husband about making later, but so far he isn't budging.

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That sounds awful. Where I live the clubs/bars don't close until 2. Pffft!

My parents were extremely strict growing up but they let up when I was around 17/18. Stop being such a drag.

What's the reason behind not letting her stay with her bf?

I guess doesn't help my case here that bars in our city don't close until 4 am

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[livinitup]

My greatest joy in life was returning to college because my parents insisted on non-crazy-teenager-behavior in their home over the summers. I was VERY motivated to keep my grades up and then very motivated to get roommates, basement apartments and long commutes to work to never live with my parents.

I think an adult child should feel a certain level of uncomfortableness in their parent's home, because that's the normal course of events - when a teen acts like a teen and a parents worry about it and doesn't want it shoved in their faces. Plus I would require a GREAT deal of contribution to the household - including DOING a ton of work, not just the most perfunctory monitory contributions.

So, yeah. You are doing it right. Stay strong.

[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:23:11 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

I haven't had to deal with this as my daughter moved out at age 18 but I think it's still pretty simple: Age doesn't matter. my house, my rules. Don't like it? Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

ETA: I think you are perfectly within reason about asking her to be in before a certain time because of the barking dogs and the fact that other people need to wake up early. 

This is where my husband sits. He feels it's about respect and respecting that some members of the household have to get up really during the week.

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[lucky513]

you have to give her space, maybe have her pay some rent

we set major rules for my 18 year old sister
you know what she did
she moved out with her friends so if you dont mind her moving I would ease up on the curfew and have her pay rent like she is just renting a room

[Deleted]

Oct 1, 2013 21:23:45 GMT -5 kiminky said:

Oct 1, 2013 21:21:05 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

What's the reasoning behind a curfew? I could get on board with it if she was disrupting your sleep and schedule. Otherwise it's a bit much.

I should also add that my husband is pretty overprotective of her right now, she was in a bad car accident at the beginning of the summer, where one of her best friends (who was also a passenger) died. I think my husband is just so freaked out to think of her driving around at all hours of the night.

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I understand the curfew completely because her waking up the dogs affects everyone in the house. But I think your H needs to ease up on controlling her outside of the house. If she wants to stay at her boyfriend's then who cares; she's an adult.

It sounds like you want her to respect your rules but aren't extending respect in the other direction.

[circa1978]

I don't have a problem with a midnight curfew for a 19 year old living at home and not going to school. I'm pretty sure my mom would not have been cool with me strolling in on x-mas break from college at 3 am all breezy and, hey, Mike here is going to be spending the night because he would have been in my dorm anyway. She's 19, not 25. And really, that's beside the point, because if my mom asked me at the age of 35 to be in at a certain time I would, because it is respectful.

OP, if she's not going to school, I'd have her paying for her phone and insurance, at the very least, and probably more. If she doesn't like it - well, as others have pointed out, she's legally an adult and free to go.

[wrathofkuus]

The part about not coming in late on weekdays and waking all of you up us reasonable. The weekend curfew (if you all only work weekdays) and the insistence that nights be spent at home are not.

[livinitup]

So, it's not so much a "curfew" as a "You live in a house with loud dogs who wake everyone up when you walk in the house, so get home before your late nights disturbs the whole house".

Yeah, that's okay. But she can sleep-out if she wants to. Because she's not waking up the dogs and household if she does. She just needs to inform.

Please talk to her about BC and STDs. Ugh.

[malibu]

Oct 1, 2013 21:15:07 GMT -5 flamingeaux said:

When I was still living at home, I paid all of my car notes, and insurance, and my cell phone bill. If I wanted to spend the night anywhere else, I had to call and let them know I wouldn't be coming home that night. I contributed to household chores, groceries, and shuttling my sister back and forth, as needed.

This is pretty much what the rules were when I lived at home past 18.

No curfew, just common courtesy calls to let someone know I wouldn't be home.

[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:25:52 GMT -5 livinitup said:

My greatest joy in life was returning to college because my parents insisted on non-crazy-teenager-behavior in their home over the summers. I was VERY motivated to keep my grades up and then very motivated to get roommates, basement apartments and long commutes to work to never live with my parents.

I think an adult child should feel a certain level of uncomfortableness in their parent's home, because that's the normal course of events - when a teen acts like a teen and a parents worry about it and doesn't want it shoved in their faces. Plus I would require a GREAT deal of contribution to the household - including DOING a ton of work, not just the most perfunctory monitory contributions.

So, yeah. You are doing it right. Stay strong.

Thanks for this, many days it feels like we're doing it all wrong.

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[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:33:18 GMT -5 namasteak said:

Oct 1, 2013 21:26:59 GMT -5 kiminky said:

This is where my husband sits. He feels it's about respect and respecting that some members of the household have to get up really during the week.

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I totally agree with your husband on this even though I think the hours are a little extreme. If she wants to stay out later can she just spend the night at a friends place? 

If she is working she needs to contribute to the household finances by helping with groceries & bills. 

She had been telling us for months she was sleeping at a friend's place until we found out about a month ago that she was spending the night at her boyfriend's (who lives with his parents) all of those times.

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[stephm0188]

Oct 1, 2013 21:31:31 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

The part about not coming in late on weekdays and waking all of you up us reasonable. The weekend curfew (if you all only work weekdays) and the insistence that nights be spent at home are not.

Especially if you're going to start asking for money for rent and bills. It's unreasonable to bill her like an adult while treating her like a child.

[wrathofkuus]

So what if it was her boyfriend rather than a friend? She's 19. Her parents don't own her body any more. Why was this even a problem?

[VeryViolet]

Oct 1, 2013 21:40:41 GMT -5 kiminky said:

Oct 1, 2013 21:33:18 GMT -5 namasteak said:

I totally agree with your husband on this even though I think the hours are a little extreme. If she wants to stay out later can she just spend the night at a friends place? 

If she is working she needs to contribute to the household finances by helping with groceries & bills. 

She had been telling us for months she was sleeping at a friend's place until we found out about a month ago that she was spending the night at her boyfriend's (who lives with his parents) all of those times.

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I do kind of wonder why it matters. I get that dad probably doesn't want to think about her having sex but it is happening no matter how many rules he puts in place.

[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:45:53 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

So what if it was her boyfriend rather than a friend? She's 19. Her parents don't own her body any more. Why was this even a problem?

He is well aware she is having sex-not the issue. Being lied to for months doesn't go over well.

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[wrathofkuus]

He shouldn't even be putting celibacy rules in place for a 19 year old. My parents were like this, and trying to figure out exactly who this body and sexuality belonged to was something I needed therapy to work out.

[wrathofkuus]

Was it really a lie? He is a gentleman-friend, and the bottom line was that she wasn't coming home that evening, but was safe. Why was more info beeded?

[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:49:09 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

He shouldn't even be putting celibacy rules in place for a 19 year old. My parents were like this, and trying to figure out exactly who this body and sexuality belonged to was something I needed therapy to work out.

Where did 'celibacy rules' come from? About a month into dating the boyfriend DH encouraged her to get an IUD (which she did).

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[kiminky]

Oct 1, 2013 21:50:12 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Was it really a lie? He is a gentleman-friend, and the bottom line was that she wasn't coming home that evening, but was safe. Why was more info beeded?

I think it's a lie when you say "I am spending the night at Susie's" every time but are actually spending the night at Timmy's.

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