Did you 2nd guess yourself?

[bookworm]

I'm pretty new so for those that don't know my H would have anger outbursts every few months with name calling, yelling and occasionally breaking things. Other than that we got along great. It happened again a couple of weeks ago and I finally said I didn't want to live like this anymore but I didn't exactly say that there was no chance of reconciliation. So the past 2 weeks he's been getting guidance and showing me that he is really going to change.

But today I think it officially ended. I told him I wanted to separate. He eventually texted me saying ok and "have a great life"

I guess I feel kind of numb. I'm not crying, trying to go on about the rest of my day but also 2nd guessing myself. Please tell me this is normal! In a way I feel like I should give him another chance and that I'm giving up but at the same time things have gone on long enough. It's not that I'm afraid to be alone because I'm pretty independent but it's sad to think about him not being in my life because most of the time we were happy. Who else had 2nd thoughts? Thanks!

[doriswe]

Absolutely normal!! This whole thing is a huge emotional rollercoaster, but it does get better.

Also, random thoughts: being a healthy, well adjusted adult means being able to express your anger without resorting to name calling, yelling or breaking things. 2 weeks is not a good enough test to see if he can show real change. Anyone can act nicer for 2 weeks. And I'm sure you have ownership in the faults in the relationship, but how does you giving him another chance change his behaviors? We all had wonderful times with our X's and there are definately times where I miss that, but I am a much happier, healthier, alive person because I am no longer in an unhealthy relationship.

Can't remember if you're in counseling, but it's sooo helpful!!

[lookingup]

It is definitely normal. Yesterday I was feeling like I missed my H, and I missed what I felt like we used to have. But in my heart I know that if I would have stayed, he never would have changed. People have to change because they want to change, not because they don't want you to leave.

[doriswe]

Jun 23, 2012 13:26:32 GMT -5 lookingup said:

People have to change because they want to change, not because they don't want you to leave.

QFT!!

[bookworm]

Jun 23, 2012 13:46:38 GMT -5 inara said:

Totally normal. I had all sorts of crazy thoughts in the first couple of weeks. I knew when I asked him to leave that it was over for good. I didn't love him, I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't like how he treated me as a partner, he didn't want to keep doing counseling (together or separately).. There was NO hope. But I still questioned my decision, mourned the life I thought we would have, and thought up crazy alternatives, like being roommates until the kids got older or just having a completely sexless marriage for convenience.

After I adjusted to him being gone, that subsided entirely. Sometimes I still feel a little sad that I didnt get the life I'd hoped for, married with kids, happily ever after. But there is no doubt in my mind that he was not the person for me. I could never have had that with him, no matter how long I stayed or how hard I tried.

Ok glad the crazy thoughts are normal! One of mine was I kind of wish we had a kid so we had an excuse to hang out because I think we would be good co-parents. Yeah that's definitely not a rational thought lol as kids would make this whole thing worse.

Also it seems like the begging has kind of stopped which seems kind of weird to me and I'm worried about him. But that shouldn't be my concern.

Thanks for listening

[bookworm]

Jun 23, 2012 13:29:43 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Jun 23, 2012 13:26:32 GMT -5 lookingup said:

People have to change because they want to change, not because they don't want you to leave.

QFT!!

And I actually told him that today! I said if I didn't say I was leaving we would still be living the same life and you wouldn't be making these last ditch efforts. It definitely puts things into perspective!

[Deleted]

Of course it is normal..you are about to change your whole life.

What isnt normal is to continue to live in an abusive relationship.

[missbetty1]

Jun 23, 2012 15:06:52 GMT -5 mags said:

Of course it is normal..you are about to change your whole life.

What isnt normal is to continue to live in an abusive relationship.

:Y:

[Deleted]

Your feelings are normal. Take it from me...my STBX had anger issues. He suffered from intermittent explosive disorder(sounds like your h may have this too). My h had these explosions while we were dating and somehow I thought he'd change. We broke up, got back together and went to counseling. We got engaged and married. The marriage lasted 9 months. I moved out last week...filed for divorce 2 weeks ago. He even went on medication and it didn't improve. Our good times were good, but I could not continue to walk on eggshells for the rest of my life waiting for the next explosion.
You are doing the right thing. Move on. It's not easy, but it will be ok.

[explorer2001]

I spent so long trying to help my ex change. Giving him the benefit of the doubt when he said he was seeing a shrink, having him behave better for a little while only to go back to the old patterns. I kept talking myself back into it more second guessing that it was broken and irreparable. When I finally left I didn't second guess any more I knew I had done everything I could but I second guessed a lot along the way to getting there.

Yelling and breaking things isn't adult behavior. It isn't acceptable. I hope you find the peace you.need to know you deserve better.

[mandimija]

I spent four months in counseling so that I could assuage my own guilt for wanting to end this marriage and leaving our marital home. Even if I knew the situation was unlivable, it was familiar. I had no desire to change my entire life or betray what my religion had beaten into me from before I hit puberty: divorce is evil and good people don't divorce. Thank God both my priest and the pastor I grew up with (Southern Baptist became Catholic) told me that abuse of any kind is a breaking of vows, and I had a responsibility to keep myself safe, which I would not be married to him.

Your STBX is verbally and emotionally abusive. From his breaking things, physical isn't far behind. Of course you are concerned for him: you were married for God's sake. You don't turn off the *care* switch automatically. It takes time. I remember that XH was robbed at gunpoint about three months after I filed. Even though I damn near hated him at that point, I found myself concerned when a friend told me, which just pissed me off. He may have been an abusive fuckwit, but I didn't want him to die, for crying out loud.

You're going to second guess yourself. I promise this goes away. For me, that moment was a few weeks after I filed when I came home from being out with friends and instantly relaxed...and I realized it was because I didn't have to deal with his BS when I got home, nor would I have to do so ever again.

Give it time. In the mean time, remind yourself that you deserve better.