Anyone else living the "sandwich generation" thing?

[sonrisa]

Since DD was born fall of 2010, we haven't gone long without an adult in the family needing a lot of my time and care. I'm glad to be able to be there for everyone but sometimes it's hard to balance kid and adult needs. 

I got through the worst of the newborn fog at around 6 months. Two months later, DH was down with back problems for two months. Dad started to go into his last 7 months of steep decline around then. Mom in mourning. Then MIL had knee surgery that summer. We got a reprieve until DH was taken out by kidney stones. (A reprieve from illness - I was still closing down my dad's company, doing his corporate taxes and fairly complicated individual taxes. So it wasn't like I had my time back). A few months after that, FIL's mystery illness, decline and death. MIL is still pretty vulnerable and DH has been out of town most weekends so DD and I are driving down to see her alone. A week after the memorial service, my mom went in for knee surgery and I've been caring for her for two weeks now (first daily hospital visits, now I'm the care taker at our home while she recovers). 

Anyone else feeling squeezed?

[Deleted]

Sorry

Are you both only children? Is it possible to spread some of the family caretaking around?

[sonrisa]

DH and I are each one of two. My brother is across the country and his is in Idaho.

It's okay. I just get stretched since I'm the SAHM (and also put myself in the position to help).

[sonrisa]

Oct 2, 2013 10:03:39 GMT -5 squirrelymom said:

I was while my dad was sick last fall. And honestly I probably should be feeling it right now, there's a lot we could be doing for my dad's family and my mother, but we've just had to say no with everything going on with Forrest. I feel a little guilty over it, but I just don't have any more in me to give right now.

((Hugs)) You are care taking on a completely different level (both in terms of time commitment and pyschcologically). You are a saint.

My kid is just a happy, healthy energetic toddler. Sure, she takes time but very little worry. My mom is right here is town (or right in my house now) and in laws are a 2-4 hour round trip drive. Much closer and easier.

[ohgillian]

Me. It's almost unbearable.

[sonrisa]

Oct 2, 2013 10:12:22 GMT -5 squirrelymom said:

Oct 2, 2013 10:07:40 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

None of them are more than 20 mins from the house, we just can't squeeze it in.

I was thinking about the distances to Forrest's hospitals and surgeries. 

My dad was the same and taking over the taxes and closing his business for him was brutal at first. (He had foreign investments, and foreign earned income from working abroad, and a bunch of other complications including indecipherable records. But since he was a finance guy, he'd never used an accountant. The learning curve to get enough shit together to give an accountant was so steep I just went ahead and did it all myself.). We just filed last year's taxes for mom a few days before her surgery. 

[Deleted]

not yet, fortunately. although there are a lot of health issues in my extended family, so far neither parents nor ILs have had mutual issues, simultaneously, such that they didn't seek primary care from their respective spouses.

i'm sorry to those of you that are. i know how hard it was on my mom.

[sonrisa]

Oct 2, 2013 10:30:51 GMT -5 ohgillian said:

Me. It's almost unbearable.

((hugs))

[starlily]

Yes. DD is now 2-1/2. I noticed my mom's dementia getting worse when they came to visit when she was 3 weeks old. Then my dad passed when DD was 9 months old & my mom stayed going into rapid decline. I'm her primary POA, so I've had to handle everything regarding her care & finances since then. She lives 400 miles away, so it can be challenging.

I have an older brother, but he lives on the opposite coast and his wife demands that he not get involved in helping out, so it all falls on me. It blows. We're thinking of trying for #2 soon, and I just don't know how I can keep up.

[ohgillian]

Oct 2, 2013 11:13:36 GMT -5 starlily said:

Yes. DD is now 2-1/2. I noticed my mom's dementia getting worse when they came to visit when she was 3 weeks old. Then my dad passed when DD was 9 months old & my mom stayed going into rapid decline. I'm her primary POA, so I've had to handle everything regarding her care & finances since then. She lives 400 miles away, so it can be challenging.

I have an older brother, but he lives on the opposite coast and his wife demands that he not get involved in helping out, so it all falls on me. It blows. We're thinking of trying for #2 soon, and I just don't know how I can keep up.

I'm so sorry. This is a massive amount for you to juggle.

[MixedBerryJam]

Me. My kids are older (soph and sr in hs) and I'm able to share the support my mom needs with one brother who's local (and actually closer to her so he checks on her much more often). Being the only parent is harder than the responsibilities I feel for my mom, to be sure. But the fact that she COULD go into assisted living, I'd even say SHOULD HAVE YEARS AGO, makes me more than a little resentful that I need to spread my resources that much thinner because she's still in her own house and doesn't have a shuttle to take her to the grocery store. I think the choices I've seen her make in her senior years have already impacted my plans for how I spend my senior years. I love my mom and I'm grateful for what she's done for her kids and grandkids over the years, but I do not ever want to think that my kids resent me the way I sometimes resent her. There. I said it. I may dd this last part though.

[polka]

My heart goes out to all of you in here who are having to go through family illnesses and hard times.

Hugs, sonrisa. I'm sorry That is rough, it is a lot to deal with it.  You're doing great, I'm sure they all appreciate it.  Hang in there, I really hope you can get a break soon.

I am a sahm and co-caregiver for my dad.

By the time my first daughter was born, my dad was already in the beginning stages of his illness. I was a full-time working mom then. But since my dad was still capable at the time of doing most basic tasks, I would work till 4, then help my mom in the evenings with little things while my baby was there with me.

His illness progressed quickly, so by the time I was pregnant with my second, he was already needing full-time care. I became a sahm after that and have been doing that and helping my mom with my dad since then.  I am there five to six days out of the week.

My grandparents live an hour away, and my mom and I also help them with doctor appointments, errands, etc.

It has been a really difficult few years.  I feel exhausted one minute, then the next, I am feeling frustrated cause I wish I could do more or fix things that I can't.  It can be very overwhelming at times.  

Hugs to everyone in here!  

[looseseal]

We're certainly not at the level you are, but I think it's starting. FIL is still caring for his mother, so we occasionally step in to give him a break. And my mom has recently had some strokes and is not as capable as she once was. She used to be the one to help me with my overflow, but now can't. We just had our second kid and H and I both work full time, so my sister has had to be the one to pick up all of my slack with helping mom. She has no kids and works only part time, and says she understands that I'll be able to do more when DS2 isn't so young, but I still feel bad. My sister and I have a good relationship, so I hope that everything works out smoothly.

I hope you get a reprieve soon.

[auntie]

<raises hand>

Me.

Another one of those stories of being stuck in the middle. My sister was dying when DS was born. She died when he was 6 months old. Her death changed my parents forever; they had custody of my nieces at the time but weren't managing well so I had them a good deal of the time.

That dust settled and my MIL got really sick. She had vasculitis and was given a 6 month dx. She lasted 6 1/2 years. My BIL and SIL did 90% of her care but I would travel out for about a month every year so they could travel with their girls or as a couple.

In this time period, DH was traveling constantly and had an asshole boss. My nieces were acting out and my parents continued to struggle. My house was flooded- 30" of water on my second floor- we lost pretty much everything.

DS got an ASD dx about the time she died, so life became a merry-go-round of therapy appointments, IEPs, special schools and a commitment to supporting DS socially via music and scouting. My own parents retired and moved away the week DS got his dx. When it wasn't far enough from my niece's drama, they withdrew and moved even further away.

They're older now and have a lot of complicated medical problems. My sister's death destroyed my father and he's become a nasty but functional alcoholic. My mother is chronically depressed but won't leave him. They're making noises about moving back to make it easier on me to care for them now that they need help. Ugh. I had my mother last week for a day surgery. One of my nieces is living with me again. She and DS are doing great.

I am also co-guardian for one of my mother's sisters who has dementia. I just got a 42 lb box of papers to go through on her behalf.