An XP, since my main board was deeply unhelpful

[Wrath0fKuus]

So, I feel some sort of way about something.

My group of friends from high school just invited me to a get-together. There's a family event, so I can't go anyway, but even having been a part of the invitation is making my stomach feel all churned up and awful. I'm not exactly sure what that's all about. I mean, I guess I am, sort of, since I stopped truly being friends with them for a reason, but my reasons are all small and petty and probably outdated. Yet I still feel all anxious at the very thought, and it's been a good 16 years since high school, 14 years since I made the decision to stop being a part of the group.

Since this was apparently lost on WW, this isn't a question of whether or not to go.  I can't go.  It's at the same time as BIL's wedding.  Even if I were overjoyed at the thought of seeing these people, I could not attend.

I was just surprised by how I felt about this. I just saw those names all together, and became this churned up wreck of emotion. Hell, high school wasn't even a bad time (or, rather, it was, but I didn't know it at the time because I hadn't experienced the awesomeness of adulthood yet), so the whole thing is deeply irrational. I don't entirely know why I feel this way, which is why I came here to talk it out. It's weird, something that should be a neutral occurrence made me react some sort of completely bizarre way that I can't really explain, and I wanted help with figuring out what the hell is going on with me, that's all.

The responses I'm getting on WW are shades of that "tired of fighting the system" post I made on ML last year or so, where I was talking about one thing, and got responses to put on some makeup and heels and be a pretty feminist instead.  Not that these are their responses, but it's equally frustrating and missing the point.  So please don't disappoint me.

[motzie]

Oct 2, 2013 13:29:48 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

So, I feel some sort of way about something.

Understatement of the year.

[partiallysunny]

I'm puzzled by your puzzlement.

Are your feelings more nervousness or dread?

Can you explain why you stopped being friends or would you rather not?

[cuddlyevil]

How did you handle it when you stopped hanging around with that group? Did you just cut them out and not look back? Or was it an ugly split?

Did you grieve at all for the loss of those people? Is it possible that is what is going on now? You never fully dealt with it, hence the weird emotional response.

[gault]

I've felt like this before, too. My 10-year reunion was a year ago, and even though I lived out of state and couldn't go, I still got panicky butterflies. Fight or flight response? Anxiety? Flashbacks?

In addition to all that stuff, there's inevitably some pressure to put on a "show" of your current life, as well as reminisce about the past. It's a lot of pressure, even if you were actually excited to be there and COULD go.

[starrieskies]

I find the idea of hanging out with people that I haven't talked to in years stressful in itself. Just the pressure of what to say, what to wear, how to avoid awkward conversations... The list goes on and on. Add the stress of possibly re-kindling high school age drama (no matter what the kind) and you have a very high anxiety situation.

Even though you aren't able to go, your brain is probably just playing the hypotheticals and your body is reacting to the perceived stress of an imaginary situation.

[Wrath0fKuus]

Oct 2, 2013 13:45:48 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

I'm puzzled by your puzzlement.

Are your feelings more nervousness or dread?

Can you explain why you stopped being friends or would you rather not?

Dread, I guess.  But not really.  Just anxiety, but not nervousness exactly.  And I feel angry and sad, too.

I did a friend housecleaning the summer after my second year of undergrad, when my mother and her girlfriend broke up.  It was a kind of mess of a summer; I dumped my high school boyfriend, had some kind of weird and awkward fling with one of the guys in the friend group that left me feeling all pissed off, I lost a second mom and three sisters, and just started feeling kind of pissed off at the whole friend group dynamic. 

It was a friend group dynamic where everything was sort of swept under the rug and not talked about (one of the guys was out of the closet completely, and re-entered it so completely that he was engaged in a "will they or won't they" that summer with one of the girls, ffs, and everyone stared at me blankly when she cried and I told her that it's probably because he's totally fucking gay and we all knew this just a few years ago).  And when the weird awful fling ended, there was a lot of pressure on me to "be mature" and act like nothing ever happened and keep being friends with him to make the group go smoothly (why I wasn't up for this was another story).  And after finally having the secrecy about my family life being lifted by no longer having my family secretly contain three sisters and my mom's side lover, I was just fucking done with that veneer of normalcy bullshit.

Of course, I couldn't tell anyone that part, so they all assumed that the dude broke my heart or something, and kept trying to get me to hang out on "girls' only" nights where he wouldn't be there, all the while rolling their eyes that I wouldn't just go along to get along.  I just made sure I was always busy, and they drifted away.

[bowies]

I understand you. I have no beef with my high school friends (and heck, let's expand that into college sorority friends too). I'm friends with the majority on FB. But the idea of seeing (most) of them again produces anxiety because I'm not 18 anymore and trying to shove my 33 year old self into a social situation with their 33 year old selves is just exhausting. I'm of the mind that people come into and out of your life all the time and there's no reason to try to wrastle (Southern term) an "out of" back to an "into" spot. We used to be friends, a long time ago...

TL;DR version: My adult self has no real interest in hanging out with the adult version of my teenage friends. I'm sure they're lovely people, but we didn't KIT!!! for a reason.

ETA:  There's also some anxiety in having someone you don't think about, at all, suddenly make known that they think of you.  That makes me squirmy.  Almost a combo of "move on" with "ugh, you again."  Plus, why play the game of trying to care about them when you so obviously don't?  That in itself could be Facebook's mission statement: Keeping up with people you don't give a shit about.

I sound like an unfeeling monster.  I do have friends I care about, I promise.  Some even from high school/college!

[cuddlyevil]

Maybe the invitation took you back to that place emotionally?

[margarita]

I think it's natural that you would associate them with that part of your life, and the uncomfortable feelings associated with being made to sweep things under the rug. It also sounds like it was a time with a lot of change and upheaval in your life, which would give anyone anxiety.
I don't know if I'm making sense, but I think I know where you're coming from.

[Deleted]

I am like you Wrath0fKuus, the thought of seeing/spending time with people I have long since left behind in high school gives me dread and anxiety. I never had an awful time in high school, but that was never a setting I flourished in and I don't wish to revisit it.

I have anxiety when I visit my hometown and bump into someone I went to school or the THOUGHT of bumping into someone I used to know.

[neonpink]

Oct 2, 2013 14:24:13 GMT -5 margarita said:

I think it's natural that you would associate them with that part of your life, and the uncomfortable feelings associated with being made to sweep things under the rug. It also sounds like it was a time with a lot of change and upheaval in your life, which would give anyone anxiety.
I don't know if I'm making sense, but I think I know where you're coming from.

I understand where you are coming from. I think Margarita put my thoughts on the "paper" better than I can.
I think  it brings up past chaos in your life and people that you weren't really getting on with at the time either. I am FB friends with some HS friends but we are so very different I would feel anxious if they invited me out.

[tiramisu]

I'll give you my "therapist version/explanation":
Emotions can't tell time. Often things happen that remind us of previous times in our life and we react almost instinctively with the emotions from that earlier time, or similar emotions. Especially with emotions such as anxiety, since the amygdala is where it's triggered. The amygdala is a fairly primitive part of the brain and those responses tend to be hard to trace back or may feel instinctual. I'm sure you could be much more scientific in your explanation of the brain.

I find identifying what is bothering me about whatever trigger I identify and do some deep breathing. I think others are on to something with this dredging up all those feelings if what happened with them as well as with your family during that time. I can't imagine I'd want to revisit those memories if I didn't have to.

Bottom line, kuus, I think it means you're human.

[Wrath0fKuus]

Emotions can't tell time. I like that.

[styme46]

Is it supposed to be like a reunion of sorts? Do all these people still spend time together on a "regular" (annually or what have you) basis?

I wouldn't be sure whether to be weirded out that they sent me the invitation after what I'm assuming has been no contact for 14 years, or be flattered that they are reaching out to me after all that time. I'm leaning more towards weird.

I think your reaction is perfectly normal though. And I think you have every reason to have a weird stomach churning feeling about it given the circumstances of the drifting away on your part.

There are certain things from hs that still give me an uneasy feeling if they come up or I think about them or see someone that was involved or what have you.

[Wrath0fKuus]

You know, come to think of it, I have no idea if they still hang out. Some of them, at least, don't. Maybe there are a few who do? I don't know.

[partiallysunny]

That situation would give me lots of anxiety too, kuus. I wouldn't know what to do or how to act. There's a lot of misinformation and baggage. If you see these people again, do you continue to sweep those past issues under the rug, which is what they wanted to do so long ago? Or do you need to bring them to the surface and work out those miscommunications in order to move on? Does anyone really want to hash out the past or do they think you can just pick up where getting left off? Do you even want to hash out the past or let it all go?

Not real questions, just hypothetical questions I'd be asking if I were you

How awkward it would all be. I for one wouldn't even be interested in trying.

[doctorchick]

Oct 2, 2013 14:20:37 GMT -5 bowies said:

My adult self has no real interest in hanging out with the adult version of my teenage friends. I'm sure they're lovely people, but we didn't KIT!!! for a reason.

This. This statement is perfect. I love my high school friends, and I stay in touch with some but not all. At that time, we were all perfect for each other, but we've matured differently. I appreciate them all for where we were at that time, but even if we all moved back to our hometown, it wouldn't be the same.

Totally normal to feel unsettled about having the old group contact you. Some good, some bad, a lot different.

[wrathofkuus]

That's exactly it, partiallysunny. You summed it up for me there. There isn't really a course of action to take in renewing acquaintance.

[partiallysunny]

I feel all warm and tingly.

[lys]

Hopefully over the years everyone has matured and that people can reconnect on a new level.

[captainmel]

I feel like everyone else has worked this out already. I just wanted to add that I basically peed my pants when my friend asked me if I was going to our HS reunion. You are not alone.