Need help with a decision

[SwimDeep]

So, after a week where I actually felt like my H and I were reconnecting and understanding each other, I am right back where I started. At first, he did agree that marriage counseling would be good for us and that individual counseling would be good for both of us too. He has changed his mind...now he wants me to go confront my family and resolve all of those issues first before he will agree to counseling with me.

I told him I felt like our relationship was much more important than any issue with my family and that I felt we needed the counseling now. I told him if he felt like there was anything left in our relationship worth fighting for we needed to go to a counselor. He insisted I deal with my family first. We are at an impasse.

The decision I need help with involves school. Fall quarter just started, and I'm wondering if I should drop my classes and take a leave of absence for a quarter (or two). I work a full time job and because of a grant I won I'm also enrolled as a full time student. My classes this year are already difficult. On the one hand, I want to keep them so that I have the ability to lose myself in work/studies. On the other hand, I'm going to struggle to keep up with the course load...and my performance at work is already faltering. I need to buy a car and find a place to live. This is going to take a huge emotional toll on me.

I've contacted my advisor about my options, and I'm also in touch with financial aid about my loans/grant. I'm tempted to drop school so I can focus on straightening out life.

What would you do if you were me?

[pedanticwench]

I take it that because of the grant, you're not paying for school yourself? If so, this affects my answer.

Would you be, if you drop the classes now, able to take them again at a later time under the same circumstances.

This is a tough decision, either way.

[SwimDeep]

I'm waiting to hear back from financial aid on that. I'm concerned that if I take a Leave of Absence I will lose that grant money...it's not a lot, but it's enough to make me not want to lose it.

ETA: I've been pretty specific with various events/details from my recent past so I don't know why I'm being vague now...
The grant is for a total of $15,000. It works out to $2500 per quarter. FAFSA loans cover the rest of my tuition.

And I haven't heard back from Financial Aid yet today which means I won't hear back from them until tomorrow. So I might have asked this question prematurely.

[starrieskies]

I would hold off on making any decisions regarding school until you hear from the financial aid office.

[SwimDeep]

Thanks starries... I know you're right, and I just edited my reply to say I probably asked this question too soon. I'll update again when I hear back from FA.

By the way, I followed your story (I'm a creepy lurker, I'm sorry) and I'm taking inspiration from the patient fortitude you have. I'm trying to follow your lead and wait until I have everything lined up, but I'm so frustrated right now I'm ready to pack the things I can carry and walk out the door.

Thanks for your example!

[partiallysunny]

I agree with starries. Wait and see what they say. Tough situation. That would be a lot of money to loose, IMHO.

[tiramisu]

Oct 2, 2013 18:20:52 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

I agree with starries. Wait and see what they say. Tough situation. That would be a lot of money to loose, IMHO.

This exactly. We'll be here for you when you get their answer.

Also, good for you for knowing what you want and deciding to take steps to pursue it.

[Deleted]

It's going to take a long while to work through your family issues - does he realize one therapy session is not going to change this situation like the flip of a switch?

[starrieskies]

Oct 2, 2013 18:07:01 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

Thanks starries... I know you're right, and I just edited my reply to say I probably asked this question too soon. I'll update again when I hear back from FA.

By the way, I followed your story (I'm a creepy lurker, I'm sorry) and I'm taking inspiration from the patient fortitude you have. I'm trying to follow your lead and wait until I have everything lined up, but I'm so frustrated right now I'm ready to pack the things I can carry and walk out the door.

Thanks for your example!

I know how that feels for sure! I always felt better if I had a plan. As long as I stuck to the plan, I knew I'd get there. My mom always says that "God makes things happen in His time, not ours. Rushing Him is futile. So do what you can in the meantime, but make sure you pack your patience."  

[cuddlyevil]

I hope you and your advisor can work something out so you don't lose your grant money and are able to decrease your workload so you aren't overdoing it.

[Muddled]

I would not take a leave of absence from school. I might lighten my course load a bit and drop a class if it made sense to do so or I might talk to my office about cutting back my hours.

[SwimDeep]

doglove - It's so weird. The length of time it's going to take to change our situation seems to be our biggest sticking point. He knows it won't be an immediate change, but he still wants immediate gratification. He resents me for not handling my family the way he would. I resent him for pressuring me to function with my family in a way I don't want to.

We have so much resentment built up at this point, neither of us are sure we'll be able to come back from it.

[neonpink]

I have been thinking about your issue since I read about it yesterday. I would wait to see what FA says. I would also see if you can lighten your course load but not loose the money.

Your H's almost obsession with fixing your relationship with your family really bothers me. It's your family. You can choose how much or how little interaction with them you have.
You mentioned that he is closer to your family than he is to his own,I believe. I wonder if that is one of the reasons he wants you to fix your relationship with them. If he feels he doesn't really have a family he wants to mold yours into a family he wants. Whatever his reasoning are he should be more focused on his whats going on between you two and not your extended family.

[partiallysunny]

Oct 3, 2013 9:40:30 GMT -5 neonpink said:

Your H's almost obsession with fixing your relationship with your family really bothers me. It's your family. You can choose how much or how little interaction with them you have.
You mentioned that he is closer to your family than he is to his own,I believe. I wonder if that is one of the reasons he wants you to fix your relationship with them. If he feels he doesn't really have a family he wants to mold yours into a family he wants. Whatever his reasoning are he should be more focused on his whats going on between you two and not your extended family.

I am also bothered by his obsession with your family and I agree with everything neon had said.

I was shocked when you said he started pressuring you again.

[starrieskies]

I agree with PS and neon. It is strange that he's putting so much pressure on you. He needs to realize that you are different people with different thought processes. You are not going to deal with situations the same way he would. That's not a bad thing, but he seems to think it is. I do find it particularily troubling that he wants you to focus on the issues with your family rather than dealing with the issues in your relationship. As a married couple, your relationship should be paramount.

[captainmel]

Have you heard back from FA? I would try and lighten your course load. I think your H is being a giant buttface about your family and he doesn't understand the process of fixing things at all. I kind of want to stab him for you...

[Deleted]

A little late to the party here, but I would never stop going to school ESPECIALLY in your case. I would want my degree so that when you leave him youll be able to have a more secure future. I would not give that up for a guy like him.

You H is manipulating, and bullying you again. He wont work on your marriage until you do as he says? WTF?

Really ive been following your posts and I just don't get what you are sticking around for. Your h is a manipulative bully and by quitting school you are once again going above and beyond while he sits back and snaps orders at you.