I need to do some husband venting

[persa]

I'm dealing with a lot of anger, a lot of it directed at my husband but really at myself for letting myself make decisions based on concerns for his feelings rather than what I really wanted/ my instincts. Particularly waiting to try for #2 and then when we had TTTC, picking a RE based on who he would feel for comfortable with, when in the end, it didn't matter since he only came to the consultation appt and the retrieval (only cuz he had to be there to give his sperm sample and drive me home) .

I'm also angry at him for not "taking care" of me while we were doing IVF. I was right back doing laundry and cooking the day after. I asked him to put the toddler rail on DD's bed and I ended up doing it myself.

And his lack of ability to show appropriate response to my emotions is astounding. The other day I was thinking that DD was the only kid in her daycare class who didn't have a sibling but I wasn't sure. That night I asked him if a couple of the kids had siblings and we talked about that for a couple minutes. Then when I said that DD was the only one in her class that didn't have a sibling and it made me sad, his response was "oh, geez!" This was 3 whole days after we found out the IVF didn't work.

I need to go back to see my therapist but he and I need to go back to marriage counseling as well. The last one we had wasn't a good match for us so I need to find another one.

Sorry for the emotional verbal diarrhea, I don't have a lot of people I feel comfortable talking about this with.

[lola]

So many hugs to you persa.

[persa]

Thanks guys. I'm just having a really rough day today. It's the first day I've worked a day shift since we found out the IVF didn't work and all I want to do is just lock myself in my office and cry. I feel like if I complain about my husband to people who know him IRL, it's not fair to him but at the same time, it just sucks that I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this.

[G22]

Big hugs persa! IF really hits a marriage in way you can't understand until your there. A few days ago were rough over here. My H is supportive in the sense that he is on board with all the decisions we have made to date. But he sucks at being there emotionally for me until I lose it. By that point I'm overwhelmed by everything and upset because he doesn't catch it or seem to care if he does. He processes this whole situation differently and is more detached than I am.

[jewel]

Hugs You are definitely not alone, and I'll share my asshole husband story.

My husband is the sweetest guy who would do anything I ever asked of him, but I could have killed him during the time after our miscarriage. I know he felt bad because there was nothing he could do to make things better, so he just did nothing. I was dealing with all of my own medical shit, and was furious that he didn't do everything he could to just make my life easy for that month. Fucking furious. He hates to acknowledge anything negative because he thinks it makes it worse. I think it makes him look like an insensitive asshole who doesn't care. I'm not sure that we'll ever see eye to eye on that.

[linz]

**hugs** IF sucks and is a real test to your marriage. My only advice is give him time. When I first mentioned to H we had to do IUI's he didn't say anything. I was bawling my eyes out and he just watched tv. I was ready to nut punch him. I gave it a few days and then we talked and I was able to explain the whole process and he seemed to care more. I think guys just don't know how to digest it and I'm sure they feel like it's partly their fault it didn't work. I hope he comes around. I know this is a hard time for you.

[bronxgirl]

I'm so sorry, persa. That makes everything so much worse. I'm going to try to PM you tonight b/c I can relate to so many thongs you've mentioned.

[persa]

Oct 4, 2013 13:49:49 GMT -5 bronxgirl said:

I'm so sorry, persa. That makes everything so much worse. I'm going to try to PM you tonight b/c I can relate to so many thongs you've mentioned.

Sounds good but Lol at "thongs"

[bronxgirl]

Oct 4, 2013 15:06:37 GMT -5 persa said:

Oct 4, 2013 13:49:49 GMT -5 bronxgirl said:

I'm so sorry, persa. That makes everything so much worse. I'm going to try to PM you tonight b/c I can relate to so many thongs you've mentioned.

Sounds good but Lol at "thongs"

whoops

[murdock]

(( hugs))) As the others have said, IF is such a bitch on a marriage. it's a huge weight to carry.

Besides, checking in with your therapist, like you stated, doing something nice for yourself. It's the weekend!! If you can, do a little something.

[kristind3]

I'm sorry. .

IF is tough on a marriage, and it doesn't help when your DH doesn't know how to support you. Hope you can find a counselor you both like.

[hylda]

That sucks. What did you cook?  

[FastHands]

Oct 5, 2013 21:37:53 GMT -5 hylda said:

That sucks. What did you cook?  

....this is a really bizarre contribution.

[hylda]

Oct 5, 2013 22:06:09 GMT -5 FastHands said:

Oct 5, 2013 21:37:53 GMT -5 hylda said:

That sucks. What did you cook?  

....this is a really bizarre contribution.

Lay off me I'm starving. 

[lo]

^lol...

girls, im sorry your husbands are acting like dicks. my husband is annoying in a different way in that he's always convinced I am pregnant, month after month after month. and then when I get my period he's SURE next month will be it.

[KaraOrNot]

I can relate to H not having appropriate emotions or the appropriate response to me. hugs.

[anna7602]

Hugs, persa. I've had my own frustrations with DH, the biggest one being that he just doesn't get why not having a 2nd kid is such an awful prospect. He thinks I am blowing all of this way out of proportion.

[persa]

Thanks everyone. MH and I had a good talk over the phone last night (he's out of town) and I was able to let my emotions go and he was understanding and open to hearing what I was saying so that was good.

I'm in the same "delusional" state as bronxgirl and am getting a monitor from a coworker (who is pregnant with #2 via IVF) but at the same time, I'm going to start purging all my baby stuff that I've been saving for potential #2 baby. I gave the coworker my old breastfeeding pillows and will give another coworker my box of maternity clothes.

It's pretty depressing but I need to do it for my sanity. If I miraculously get pregnant, buying new maternity and baby stuff will be a really nice problem to have.

[anna7602]

Oct 7, 2013 18:59:23 GMT -5 persa said:

Thanks everyone. MH and I had a good talk over the phone last night (he's out of town) and I was able to let my emotions go and he was understanding and open to hearing what I was saying so that was good.

I'm in the same "delusional" state as bronxgirl and am getting a monitor from a coworker (who is pregnant with #2 via IVF) but at the same time, I'm going to start purging all my baby stuff that I've been saving for potential #2 baby. I gave the coworker my old breastfeeding pillows and will give another coworker my box of maternity clothes.

It's pretty depressing but I need to do it for my sanity. If I miraculously get pregnant, buying new maternity and baby stuff will be a really nice problem to have.

A friend of mine just gave me the advice to purge as soon as possible. I'm paraphrasing, but her basic words were "every time you open a closet and look at a pile of baby stuff, you lose it. Isn't it worth your sanity to just get rid of it?" She's right. Whatever buying it all over again would cost is probably less than I would be willing to pay a therapist right now. 

[persa]

Well, I just paid my therapist $75 today but I love her and it was great to talk it out.

But exactly, I just need it out of my house. My mom suggested I give a lot of it to my cousin's wife who is pregnant with their first but I don't think I can handle seeing the bouncy chair etc being used by someone else close to me when I'm not going to get to see my own baby use it.

[anasara]

My therapist has told me many times that men are often a year behind women when coming to terms with IF-related stuff.  While I was ready to move on to IVF we did 2 more IUIs because he thought it would work.  Now after multiple failures @ IVF we're staring down a consult in NY with Braverman & he's kind of in denial that this is our life: we are the bottom of the IF barrel.

[persa]

Anasara big hugs for your journey. This sucks so hard.