My mom is hyper-sensitive to this, I think, because she watched two of my dad's siblings totally mooch off my grandparents while they were alive, while the two independent siblings (my dad and one aunt) and their families didn't get that kind of cushioning/spoiling.
She definitely makes an effort that if she does something for my sister or her kids, she does something for me/my kids, and my younger brother as well. Not necessarily exactly the same, but roughly equivalent.
I do appreciate it, a lot. I let her know frequently and make a big effort to express that we don't take anything they do for us for granted; my parents are very generous in general. Some level of disparity wouldn't bother me, because we're in different positions -- like, my sister can call my mom and she's willing to drive two hours to watch my sister's kids. We're 20+ hours away so that isn't possible.
Big disparities -- like buying a house or a car, which I doubt would happen -- probably would bother me a little, but I think I could shrug it off pretty easily because we're doing fine on our own. And not that my parents are like this, but I'd rather turn down money or gifts than accept something that comes with strings attached.
My feelings would be hurt too. My parents were pretty equal, it wasn't I got she got. Maybe my sister when shopping but I didn't because I had clothes. Yet when I needed clothes I could go shopping and things were fair in the sense of we could get a few pricey things with cheaper things.
Same as we got older.
Not equal but fair, my sister get free baby sitting. Saves a ton a month.
When I moved to a new state my parents gave me a little extra $ every week to help me get settled with out falling behind.
My parents are not fair on multiple levels. I've given up on caring and basically ask for nothing now, including gifts.
Example of college: Would not assist nor allow me to get loans. Luckily got scholarship to nice local college or I would've attended community college after working my ass off in high school. They did eventually help a but, under 3k total over the 4 years. I had to work for spending money.
Brother: he went away and they paid his rent for college as well as grad school. He did work but they assisted greatly.
Sister: she stayed local but they paid everything including tuition as she had bad grades. She didn't work. Now she is away at grad school after taking 6 years in under grad while she found herself and they are paying for that while she doesn't work.
My parents make a huge effort to keep things fair. I know they've helped out my brothers well into their twenties, but I believe this is always with the expectation they be paid back. They've talked to us in a lot of detail about how things will be equally divided when they pass.
my parents are fair not equal. they didn't /don't do the tit for tat thing in general though for big things they do (We all had decent cars in HS/college, help with college costs, etc) so the exact dollar amounts may not be equal but we were all treated equally. My ILs are the same mostly, they helped us with our down payment for our forst house and they did the same for BIL when he bought. BIL had had some rough spots due to depression so he has needed more financial help then we have but I don't consider that unfair. We are fortunate that we weren't in that situation. And to be fair they gifted us a sizeable amount to help us pay for our DE IVF cycle.
My parents paid for my wedding and gave my brother the same amount of money in cash for their down payment. Although we were offered the same option, I know that it wasn't really an option for us not to have a big family wedding. I'm a little bitter that my brother and his wife got a huge wedding paid for by her parents and cash from my parents.
My side of the family Pretty equal. My parents don't really give out huge monetary gifts, except both paid for (used) cars when my brother and I got our license. I would say his truck cost more than my Geo....but I'm not the kind of person who gets jealous or annoyed over that. Both were used cars, one just happened to cost a little more than the other. Both cars got us from point A to B. So why complain?
DH's Side My FIL grew up in a family that ran a corporation and owned commercial property. There was a lot of fighting amongst his grandfather and great uncle, people stopped talking to each other, it was a mess. FIL's mother has also cut people (including grandchildren) completely out so everything to him has to be cut down to the last penny as equals with my husband and BIL.
My MIL seems pretty fair. What bothers me is her mother (DH's grandmother) has given my daughter money and a gold baby bracelet....my son was born 19 months ago and he hasn't received a dime. Now the money isn't the issue, we're not depending on her money to survive.....it's the principle that she knows he was born and ignores that. Even a week after his first birthday, she sent my daughter a card with a $200 check for her savings account and then wished my son a happy birthday....no check for him. WTF is up with that? My daughter got a check last Christmas.....again, nothing for my son.
This woman also gave all her jewelry to the first born daughter and nothing for my MIL, simply because she was born second. Pretty cold IMO so it shouldn't be that much of a shocker.
I have one brother and our mom was one to track what was spent on gifts to make sure they spend equal amounts for birthdays/Christmas. This never bothered me until my brother got married and Mom would spend x amount divided by three. Mom's gone now but I never got over the feeling that it "just wasn't fair". Also, there is 6 years between us so our parents were in a different financial situation and could afford to give brother more. This created some bitterness when I was younger but I've moved on.
My grandparents were known to give a gift valued at X amount as a wedding gift to each grandchild. Only one large gift, no $. I had lost my job shortly before our wedding and we didn't really need anything for the house so I asked for the $. This was a bit unconventional for our family but they understood the situation.
Post by chickadee77 on Oct 9, 2013 12:13:44 GMT -5
My MIL completely supports my SIL and her three kids (ages 23, 21 & 4). She buys all of them cars (except the 4yo, lol), has bought SIL no fewer than two houses with completely new furniture in the past four years, pays all bills, college tuition, and vacation, as well as providing allowances for everyone so that they have spending money. SIL does not have a job.
It's really frustrating sometimes, because we're lucky if we get reimbursed for doing things like taking care of MIL's vehicle registration and doing maintenence on her vacation home. Granted, we don't want or need that level of support, but it's irritating when everyone else gets all of this stuff, and we get things like *a* cookbook for Christmas (and everyone else is getting expensive electronics, jewelry, etc.). Also, SIL can do wrong, and H gets dumped on on the regular. MIL just doesn't see the disparity, even if we try to gently point it out.
My dad, OTOH, is not well off, so none of us expects anything from him monetarily. This seems to be a much more peaceful way to live. All I know is that I hope NOT to be like my ILs when we have kids.
My parents are not fair on multiple levels. I've given up on caring and basically ask for nothing now, including gifts.
Example of college: Would not assist nor allow me to get loans. Luckily got scholarship to nice local college or I would've attended community college after working my ass off in high school. They did eventually help a but, under 3k total over the 4 years. I had to work for spending money.
Brother: he went away and they paid his rent for college as well as grad school. He did work but they assisted greatly.
Sister: she stayed local but they paid everything including tuition as she had bad grades. She didn't work. Now she is away at grad school after taking 6 years in under grad while she found herself and they are paying for that while she doesn't work.
My parents fall into the category of treating us as not equal but fair. I know my younger sister and brother have received more than me over the years, but my parents were both in a better position to give it to them, and their needs were more/different than mine.
The kicker there is that since my brother and sister are still to a certain extent dependant on my parents, in the event of our parent's simultaneous death, I am the only inheritor and executor of the will and I have to manage how money is dispensed to them. Ick. Luckily this is highly unlikely.
With DH's family, it is also pretty fair in my estimation. Similarly, his younger brother has received more over the years, but I don't begrudge this. His needs have been different than ours, such as the need to raise capital to start his own business. DH's parents have invested more in BIL to help him out, but they also expect to receive some of that money back (to a limited extent).
My BFF, on the other hand - hooo boy, that girl has been treated wrong.
My in-laws are a different story... BIL's the oldest & he and SIL have the only grandchild. It was a 'favorites' game from the start, where the oldest has always been gifted more, b/c 'that's how it works.' (Cough BS cough)
This is our story except we have kids too. SIL oldest daughter gets super expensive gifts like cell phones and ipads from DH's parents. Our kids get Jammies. It used to bother us but we called them out. This no longer happens and now we're known as the ungrateful ones by SIL. Ohthefuckwell!
My parents are as fair as they can be. My brother thinks I get more, but I have been married (they paid for wedding) and I've had 2 kids (who they buy xmas & bday gifts for). He has been bailed out for a truck repo and my mom set him up in an apartment after his 4th drug relapse. In his eyes, those aren't the same and maybe they aren't but what else are they supposed to do for someone who spent decades ruining his own life. (PS: He's doing SO much better now and is engaged so I know it will come around.)
Post by dragonfly08 on Oct 9, 2013 13:34:56 GMT -5
I work pretty hard to teach my girls that fair does not necessarily mean equal. They're different people, with different wants/needs/etc.
That said, I would never purposefully give one so much more that it was obvious. For that to happen, either one would TRULY need it more than the other (and I've got no problems with tough love and making them work things out, so I'm not talking about enabling them when I shouldn't but about a true need beyond their control), or I would have to be in a situation where it simply wasn't financially possible for me to do for one what I may have done in the past for her sister (ie pay for a wedding, contribute to college).
My parents are usually ridiculously fair, to the point of telling us things like "i paid $10k for your sisters wedding, when you get married, I'll do the same". But, they just gave me $5K to help with our new house. My dad told me not to say anything to my sister or brother. I won't, but I'm also sure he gave my brother money when he bought a house last year. And, we live out of town and don't get as much of the free labor or child care my sister and brother get.
My parents paid for my wedding and gave my brother the same amount of money in cash for their down payment. Although we were offered the same option, I know that it wasn't really an option for us not to have a big family wedding. I'm a little bitter that my brother and his wife got a huge wedding paid for by her parents and cash from my parents.
You had a wedding paid for by your parents. If your husband's family gave you money for a house you would have had the same situation as you brother.
It isn't really your family or brother's fault that your DH's family didn't contribute.
Post by mariafromnj on Oct 9, 2013 14:17:55 GMT -5
My family isn't even. I got loans for more than 1/2 my college expenses. I got a job right after 4 years of school and moved out and paid my own way ever since.
My sister went to college for 7 years and it was fully paid for by my parents (their excuse is that it was cheaper and she lived home). She lives home and they pay for cell phone and car and other things too.
I don't really care. I am an adult with a husband. No one tells me what to do or what to spend my money on. I work hard and take care of myself. I never expected my parents to help support me. My sister is not like me. She needs the help so she gets it.
Have you ever asked/confronted them about this? Unfair would be one thing but what they did with the loans sounds more like sabotage.
They were in a different financial place when I went to college and not exactly encouraging. My brother was two years later and my sister another two. I also didn't push because I was obedient and didn't want to get yelled at. He even asks why I got the degree I did instead of engineering or something and I told him the college he allowed me to attend didn't offer engineering.
I have asked why mom why she still supports my sister so much, but she won't give a reasonable answer. I mean they still pay for her phone, an iphone at that. I started paying for my own at 18 because they told me I had to get one (my mom occasionally gave me some money for it, but not much). I live far away and we don't talk much.
I'm waiting for my sister's wedding. I fully plan to remind them of the limit I was given. We financed most of it ourselves. He almost didn't go to my brother's and made a comment to SIL's BIL that their "half assed wedding would lead to a half assed marriage" because they got married at the courthouse with a small reception after.
If fair means equal money between siblings then my parents are unfair in that they have given my younger sister more $$$ than they have ever given me or my older sister. Younger sister is irresponsible and they bail her out frequently.
I do not feel slighted in the bit, because honestly, I would be mortified to take money from my parents, especially if it was due to irresponsible behavior on my part.
If fair means equal money between siblings then my parents are unfair in that they have given my younger sister more $$$ than they have ever given me or my older sister. Younger sister is irresponsible and they bail her out frequently.
I do not feel slighted in the bit, because honestly, I would be mortified to take money from my parents, especially if it was due to irresponsible behavior on my part.
This is how I feel. I am fully capable of taking care of myself. I want my parents to enjoy their money.
Have you ever asked/confronted them about this? Unfair would be one thing but what they did with the loans sounds more like sabotage.
They were in a different financial place when I went to college and not exactly encouraging. My brother was two years later and my sister another two. I also didn't push because I was obedient and didn't want to get yelled at. He even asks why I got the degree I did instead of engineering or something and I told him the college he allowed me to attend didn't offer engineering.
I have asked why mom why she still supports my sister so much, but she won't give a reasonable answer. I mean they still pay for her phone, an iphone at that. I started paying for my own at 18 because they told me I had to get one (my mom occasionally gave me some money for it, but not much). I live far away and we don't talk much.
I'm waiting for my sister's wedding. I fully plan to remind them of the limit I was given. We financed most of it ourselves. He almost didn't go to my brother's and made a comment to SIL's BIL that their "half assed wedding would lead to a half assed marriage" because they got married at the courthouse with a small reception after.
My parents gave me plenty...they gave my brothers more...my brothers needed more than I did. I am not resentful that they gave them more, I am resentful that my brothers have often been ungrateful about it.
My mom helps me and my brother out from time to time - especially for medical bills. We both got hand-me-down cars when we turned 16. I'm pretty sure she spends the same amount on Christmas and birthday gifts.