Fairne$$ between siblings

[kme]

A friend and I were talking about the fairness of monetary giving from parents. My friends mom offer to pay for her wedding. She told her mom that she just wanted a very very small ceremony (less than 10 people) and would rather use the money for a down payment on a house. She hasn't received any money from her mom for this down payment, and has never asked her about it. Now her younger sister is getting married and her mom is paying for the wedding (at least 125 guests and at a venue) AND has bought a house for her. Friend was annoyed that sister was getting a lot more than her and thought it should be more of an even giving field.

Now me- IL's have bought brand new cars for H's older brother (whose married and way more better off than us), middle sister and now his youngest sister (young 20's) just got a new SUV this weekend. IL's pay for siblings gas and other things like hotels and flights when they want to travel somewhere. H & I have never received anything like this nor would we ever ask. As petty as it sounds,  it kind of hurts my feelings because I feel like we are second-class to the other siblings (not just because of this).


Growing up, my mom always made things were completely equal. If my sister got a new shirt for $15, I got a new shirt for $15.
How do your parents/how do you plan on spending money on each of your kids? Do you believe it should be somewhat equal? I don't think giving should be completely equal, but somewhat along the same lines.

[EmilieMadison]

I grew up with the understanding that fair does not always mean equal. I dont expect the same exact thing/treatment/etc from my parents as what they do with/for my siblings. However, my parents really ARE fair with all of us (5 kids).

It sounds like neither your friends parents nor your ILs care much about being fair, let alone equal, for whatever reason.

[eddy]

For my parents I don't care what they give my sister. It must be somewhat equal because it has never caught my attention. My sister says the same thing. They didn't do the buy one person get the other person a shirt thing, but it generally evened out.

ILS on the other hand have sunk a digusting amount of money into middle BIL. It does irk me sometimes. He is rewarded for being irresponsible. But they have an unhealthy dynamic that I want no part of. They can't even afford to give BIL the money they have given so I would never dream of expecting the same thing. Plus we are grown ass adults. In the end we are better off even without the handoff.

[wambam]

The amount of giving to my siblings and I was equal until graduating from college. We all got a reasonable used car in high school, help with our undergraduate education, and contributions to our weddings. Since then, however, my sister has needed significant financial assistance because she's a failure at adulthood. My brother has required assistance because of a divorce and getting back on his feet after moving out. Fortunately, my H and I have no required help.

[leeann]

My parents are decently fair about stuff like this.

My IL's however, are not. They don't have much but they do a lot more for my H's sisters than they do him/us. We don't need their help, though and they know that.

[Deleted]

My family it is not equal, and not just monetarily. My sister is the favorite and everyone just acknowledges it. They are all assholes though, so eh.

My inlaws are very fair, although they do help out when one of the siblings is in need, but they do try to make it even.

[joshlyman]

My sister has received more from my parents over time simply because my parents are much better off financially than they were when I was growing up (we are 10 1/2 years apart). At gift giving occasions my parents are very equal though. And it bothers me not one bit that they have been able to give her more - they were super broke when I was growing up, and now I am a self supporting adult. I am just happy that they have been able to help my sister out.

[luckyval]

My parents/grandparents have always been acutely aware of offering help equally to me and my sister. Being the youngest, this has worked well for me because, honestly, my sister was always more willing to straight up ask/tell them she needed a,b,c. Therefore, I get a,b,c. I'm not one to ask for help, but will certainly take it if offered.

With H's family it's really skewed and, while that's a little frustrating, H would never say anything. But, it's still kind of crazy. Like, H's grandmother paid off the loans on his sister's two new cars. Straight up - here's a gift for you, two car payments erased. And his younger sister stays rent-free in one of his grandmother's houses. He's never received anything like that.

I do think it should be somewhat equal if we're talking about extras. I don't begrudge anyone the need for help when they're in financial straits and I wouldn't say, hey you bailed out this person, so I want something too just for the hell of it.

[Kit]

My stepmom gives her kids waaaay more than her and my dad give me and my half brother. She has adult children who, up until recently (and she might still even do this) she pays their cell phones, puts money randomly in their bank accounts, buys them stuff allllll the time.

My half brother and I never got that treatment and I have to wonder if my dad even knows this happens, or if she does this on the sly. Either way, it doesn't make me very happy but I'm not going to rock the boat. She is a bitch and if I say anything, it'll start a war.

[Deleted]

Oct 9, 2013 10:16:49 GMT -5 eddy said:

For my parents I don't care what they give my sister. It must be somewhat equal because it has never caught my attention. My sister says the same thing. They didn't do the buy one person get the other person a shirt thing, but it generally evened out.

ILS on the other hand have sunk a digusting amount of money into middle BIL. It does irk me sometimes. He is rewarded for being irresponsible. But they have an unhealthy dynamic that I want no part of. They can't even afford to give BIL the money they have given so I would never dream of expecting the same thing. Plus we are grown ass adults. In the end we are better off even without the handoff.

Esh, yeah my IL's (well, mil) are kind of the same here. A few years ago bil did something completely irresponsible, and instead of paying for his mistake (he had the money just sitting in the bank, he could have paid his bill), mil refused to let him pay it, shipped him off to Australia so that ICBC would get off bil's back, and paid for his living expenses for an entire year while bil just partied it up. Mil, on the other hand, is 100k in debt while my poor fil works up in -50 degree temperature during the winter at almost 70 years old just to pay his wife's bills. Yes, this pisses me off greatly, as you can tell. 

[papie]

My mom keeps things even which I think is annoying.  Give to each of your children according to their needs and your means.  My mom will stretch herself because she gave X and then feels the need to give X again to the other kid even though she can't.  My brother always asks for $$$ and expensive stuff, and then they feel the need to give the same to us.  And if they buys stuff for our kids, they want to give the same $$ to my brother even though he has no kids.  It is a bit ridiculous. 

My ILs give to all three of their kids according to needs and asks.  Youngest SIL asks for a lot and gets a lot.  We don't, so we get some gifts, but nothing crazy like her (like trips around the world, paying for her car she wants now but only needs next year so it is parked at the ILs, etc).  It is also slightly annoying to watch, but DH (and I agree) doesn't want help from his parents because it comes with strings attached. 

To clarify, ILs are wealthy, parents are not. 

[sugarbear]

My parents have always been fair. Every kid got the same amount for his or her wedding, and could choose to do whatever he or she wanted with it.

We've all borrowed a crap ton of money from our parents (there are four of us, my brother, our two step sisters, and me, but our parents view their money-- and how they pass it to us-- as completely shared, even though they've only been married for 10 years), and we are expected to pay it back. The arrangements, however, vary by kid, I'm sure. And none of us know how much the others have borrowed.

[lilafowler]

My parents have no money to give us, so we're equal. Although my mom buys a lot of stuff for Ellie-but she also buys stuff for my niece-so I guess that's being "equal".

H's parents are totally equal when giving monetary gifts/etc. with H and his brother.

If we have money and more than one child someday I would want things to be equal unless one child specifically said they didn't want the help.

[Deleted]

My Mom was very diligent about keeping it fair when we were growing up, to the penny. She has notebooks full (pre excel) of keeping track of birthday and christmas gifts for the three of us. My parents even insisted on getting the girls their swingset because they had also helped both my sisters get theirs, and my Mom will throw out "I got this for your nieces/nephews, I'd like to do the same for your DDs" I don't ask or expect this, she just does.

My younger sister, though, from my understanding has needed more financial help than myself or my older sister as my parents have helped pay for plane tickets for her and my nephews to come to the states (they live in England with her DH), and I think a few other things. I don't mind this though, because I understand there is some guilt that my parents feel not being able to see my nephews as much and so they give $$.

[sunshineluv]

My parents and ILs are fair. Mostly

The wedding thing I understand, the mom offered to pay for her wedding, not give her a bunch of money for whatever, those are two different offers. (My had a small wedding and got no money, I had a wedding and got parts of it paid for by all sets of parents my sis didn't care)

The car thing would piss me off, just cause I would want a new car :-).

[lightbulbsun]

My parents always tried to keep things pretty even. H's do, too. Although both of our siblings are still living at home, and neither of them pay rent.

[wrathofkuus]

I don't know how some of you resist making your parents feel guilty, even if the unfairness doesn't truly matter to you and you lay on the guilt just for fun.

[shoeaholic]

My parents are always pretty fair between me and my 3 sisters. My younger sister did go through some financial and life hardships and my parents helped her out but based on the situations I could never begrudge her the help and want no part of evening that particular score. Plus the other 3 of us are a little better off than her so its fine. We don't really keep score

On my IL side, they are now passed but they were giving money to my train-wreck of a BIL but the money ended with their passing. He actually got his act together now that he has no extra funding!! Speaks to enabling big time.

[picaflora]

For Christmas/birthdays/school shopping my parents kept things "fair" (money-wise) between us. Once we got older, things chnaged. They've helped her get out of tight spots and a bad marriage, and helped me buy my first car and pay for part of my college. I'm not sure the money amounts are the same, but it's fair in terms of being able to help each kid out. We've just needed it (or had it offered) in different ways. My parents have needed to help out my older sister quite a bit lately and have asked if I felt unfairly treated. I don't - and realize that if I were in a similar situation they would help me too.

The in-laws... are not fair among siblings. They are a blended family (2 boys belong to FIL, 2 girls to MIL) but have been together for.. 18-19 years now. MIL always gushes and spends SO MUCH on the girls for birthdays and Christmas, while not anything close for the boys. She also is least fair to DH (the oldest) in general in expecting him to take care of things himself - but not expecting the girls to be able to do so. DH has been offered "deals" with strings attached, when the girls are given the same/similar things with so strings. It doesn't bother DH too much, and says its how its always been.

[lime]

My parents were never fair and not just about money.

My mom has sort of tried to make it up to me as an adult. My dad continues with his old patterns.

[chickenlittle]

Ditto on the fair not necessarily being equal thing. My mom gives my younger brother money for dental visits, car repairs, etc. He works his ass off, and still doesn't make enough to make ends meet. My mom doesn't really have the funds to do it, but it's her kid, ya know?

DH and I, on the other hand, make comfortable livings, and have enough savings/credit card availability to pay for those kinds of unexpected purchases.

Neither of our families are very well off, so I know that any sort of monetary gift or gift in general comes from a very generous, thoughtful place.

[starfish]

My dh parents are very fair, they even try to spend the same amount on me that they spend on any of there kids. My parents on the other hand, suck. They bought both my sister, and brother brand new cars when they were 16, pay for them to go to school, and live with them. I bought my own car at 18, didn't even get a license till then, and had to go on my own for that.
My mom lives in her own world, and claims to treat us all fair, but my siblings even point out how shitty she use to treat me, and now she seems to be trying to make up for it by going crazy for my kids. She has two other grandkids, but mine get 10x what they get for holidays.

[winnied]

Our parents give according to each child's need, whatever that is. Sometimes that mean buying cars or houses, sometimes that means jack shit for H and I.

whatever.

Slightly bitter panda over here.

[disappointedkittens]

My parents and IL's are both fair, which I think is great. My dad thinks giving based on "need" punishes working hard and having your act together financially. He would lend us any amount of money we wanted though, but he charges interest and we make a payment schedule and then are expected to pay on time so one kid just doesn't randomly get 10k and "forget" to give it back.
I appreciate how fair IL's are, but sometimes I find it really annoying. SIL is older and did things first, and their idea of fair is that we do the exact same thing. So, for example, they bought her a 2k piece of art for her, and wanted us to pick one out too. I would have rather just had the 2k lol. Or they offered to help us with a downpayment on a new house because they helped her, but I already owned a house which we planned on staying in, so that didn't really work out for us. First world problems.

[miniroller]

My parents have tried to be equal throughout. However, (very fortunately), my H & I aren't in a position where we need anything; whereas, my brother is. My bil & sis have a couple of kids & she's a SHM; BIL has a great job, but I know that they're also very frugal in certain areas so that they can afford a great house, family vacations, etc. Therefore, I'm almost positive they receive more frequent monetary gifts from my parents. And it did take a conversation instigated by me to push my mom & insist she not worry about 'fairness.'

My in-laws are a different story... BIL's the oldest & he and SIL have the only grandchild. It was a 'favorites' game from the start, where the oldest has always been gifted more, b/c 'that's how it works.' (Cough BS cough)

I plan to certainly do the best I can w/ my future kids. In reality, think there's a big possibility of only having one, so bright side??

[Deleted]

Oct 9, 2013 10:16:45 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

I grew up with the understanding that fair does not always mean equal.

Exactly.

I went to law school, and my father paid for it.  My brother did not go to law school, but my father did not give him the monetary equivalent of law school tuition.  But, if my brother did go, my father would've paid.

That's probably the easiest example I have.

[Chib]

My parents used to be fair when my sis and I were younger but as we gotten older the fairness has really diminished. I'm the "responsible" one according to my parents and well my sister is failing at adulthood at the moment so they said she needs more help. But now the help for my sister is getting ridiculous and my parents are being stretched thin and don't know how to say they can't help much help longer. H and I get help from his grandparents when its needed or they'll randomly send us a check.

[LauraMoser]

Ha! I've given up on expecting fairness from my parents, lol.

My older sister never *asks* for money but gets plenty of help in other ways. My younger sister always asks for money/free place to live and *always* gets it. I've only ever asked for monetary help twice, one time they gave, the other time they didn't. Of course, they didn't the second time because they had already given younger sis money... (ENABLERS!!!)

My mom likes to claim she never treats/treated me any different so I can't claim "middle child syndrome." The financial help (among other things), or lack thereof, says otherwise. :/

My ILs are amazing. We don't ask them for help ever, but they surprise us and help us if they know we could use it. DH is an only child though, so I'm sure that is a huge part of it.

ETA: I realize this makes me sound greedy, lol. I am not. I have only ever asked my parents for financial help twice. They tend to give both of my sisters whatever help they need, financial, childcare, etc. Both sisters are always asking for some form of help. Maybe I should just ask more, lol. But I do feel that things, non financial included, have never been terribly fair, even as kids.

[candreco]

Like others have said, fair is not always equal, though in some situations the parents' generosity is unequal to the point where it really isn't fair.

With my parents, we get very little financial support, but then we don't need it. We do get a ton of other support, like childcare, help with the logistics of two kids when DH or I are out of town, etc. My sister on the other hand does get financial support from my parents (I don't know to what extent, and don't feel that it's my business), but since she's out of state and has a more flexible schedule, she gets less of that kind of support from my parents. It's always been everyone gets what they need, not what the other person got.

In DH's family, it's more about my ILs doing a TON of stuff for my SILs that to me are the kinds of things that adults (which SILs are) should be able to do for themselves, and I think they take advantage to some extent, where we don't need that and have never welcomed it. So it's certainly not equal, but it's more because of our choice, because obviously that dynamic works for them, and it's not my concern.

[trafficgirl]

I think my parents are fair, though I agree that doesn't necessarily mean equal. If anything it probably leans in my favor, but my younger brother and I have led different lives.

Me:
Went to 4 year college (they paid tuition)
Went to grad school (they helped out here and there)
Got married (they contributed)
Got divorced and remarried (I insisted they didn't contribute this time)
Now pregnant w/ twins and living 10 mins from their house (they've bought a lot for the boys and help a lot around the house/yard)

My brother:
Went to comm college for a quarter (they paid tuition)
Worked and then finished his degree later (got a scholarship)
Now works and rents a house, no girlfriend just a dog (they help out here and there)

For the most part neither my brother or I have asked for help, my parents have offered. I know they've tried to be as fair as possible, but the life circumstances for my brother and I have just been different.

As for my ILs, it's kind of the same deal - H's older brother may have gotten a little more support (or whatever), but he got married and had kids younger and lives a lot closer to the ILs than H and I do.

I don't think either H or I feel things are unfair, or at least certainly not intentionally on either of our parents parts. It's just how life has worked out.