Deal breaker? Let's discuss!

[doriswe]

The other day there was some talk of BK avoiding some dude because of having 3 kids from 2 moms. So is someone with kids from different moms/dads always someone to avoid or are there cases that it is acceptable? Is there a certain number of kids or moms/dads that is okay and then once you hit a certain number, it's unacceptable? Is it worse for a dad to have kids from multiple moms or moms to have kids from multiple dads or is it the same for both?

The reason I ask is I have 2 kids from 2 different dads. They are almost 5 years apart and from different relationships. And while I openly admit that on paper I look like a train wreck, I tend to believe I have my shit together and do a damn good job of taking care of my kids.

One dude I went on a date with was telling me about this girl who was crazy and in his description of her he said "she had 2 kids from 2 different dads". I laughed it off at the time but it sort of made me wonder if that's a given notion, kwim?

And I will also openly admit, I'm a huge hypocrite about this and have side-eyed guys with kids from different moms. On the other hand, the few guys in this situation openly admitted to having really dramatic relationships with their kids' moms.

So I guess I'm curious what people's view point is on this subject. Thoughts/comments/opinions?

[roselis]

I wouldn't say dealbreaker, but it would be something I would want to know more about.

My XH now has 2 kids from 2 women, one of whom he is not a part of their life.

[stephbfan]

Jun 24, 2012 20:32:23 GMT -5 @roselis said:

he is not a part of their life.

As I have said before, I think its more important whether or not he is an involved dad.

If I have another kid, I will be right there with you in the "2 kids from 2 dads" category. I do think that I have my shit together.

[phoenixrising]

Having been married to someone with children, I probably would not get in a relationship again with someone with children. But my STBXH has two children with one woman who he never married. Is that better or worse than two children with two different moms? I think it's a toss up. He is an involved dad, which definitely was important to me, although they are both in college now.

[jojoandleo]

My mom has 4 kids with 3 different dads and is now on her fourth marriage. Having multiple children with different men (all of whom she was married to) didn't make her love life suffer. I think being a good and involved parent is more important. If someone wasn't involved in their kid's life, or owed an outrageous amount in back child support-those would be red flags. Although, if there is drama with the kids' dads, that may be something I would want to steer clear of, but that would be true if there was only one father.

[BookLover]

I myself think your situation is not a deal breaker at all. As you stated there is time in between, and both were from a relationship where you were married. I know when people do hear about a parent with 2 kids with 2 different people, the first thought is oh, they bounce around, not responsible. To me, it is all on the person, people get remarried and grow their family. I would wait to hear what the full story was before I would judge.

However, I will say, I don't think I will date a guy who has kids. I did date a guy who had 3, all with his ex. For, me, it is the parenting style. He was to lax, wasn't strict, and I didn't want my kid around that and turning into a snot, like his youngest was.

[Deleted]

I think it would probably turn me off.

[BlueBayou]

Not a dealbreaker for me, but I would tread lightly for a bit til I witnessed how adult the whole situation was. Sometimes it cannot be controlled how an ex will be and I would hate to be judged/discarded for things out of my control.

[lookingup]

Jun 25, 2012 1:06:43 GMT -5 @akuzreve said:

I wouldn't date anyone with kids. Not because of them but I'm not in that place in my life where I want kids in my life (or kids, at all, actually). It's just not something I'd be comfortable with and I feel like someone with kids would tend to get more serious quickly because of the kids factor.

Idk if that makes sense but it's 2 AM and I'm tired!

This is the page I'm on as well. I'm not anywhere near the ready for the responsibility of being a parent, so I just don't think that I would be compatible with a man who is a dad.

[bowies]

I'd be hesitant if he had kids with two different women. Not so much because I think he's irresponsible (I would need specifics to decide that) but because now there are multiple people involved in custodial issues. There's more opportunity for drama.

If there were 3+ women, then it's a deal breaker for me. I'm relatively young, so if a man my age has that many kids and that many exes he's procreated with, I do judge him in an unflattering light.

[blackkitty]

For me it's more of a red flag than a dealbreaker
One red flag isn't enough to write someone off but if you see multiple then it adds up

[udscoobychick]

Jun 25, 2012 6:59:36 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I'd be more concerned with whether or not the guy was involved in the kids' lives, and whether or not they were married to either of the women. If he went around having "oops" babies with multiple women, I'd give that the side eye.

This sounds about right to me. I think the time frame can be very telling--the kids are 5 years apart and from different relationships that had time in between them? Sure, that's understandable. The kids are 3 months apart? Hell no.

And ditto PPs on whether he's involved in the kids' lives--involved is good.

[interro]

The potential for drama increases with every additional parent and child involved, and for me, that's more than I'm willing to sign up for. It is hard enough with one kid and one mom (she's up and down - sometimes very easy to work with and sometimes flies off the handle and gets ridiculous).

Honestly, if I wasn't with Mr. Bang, I would not date men who had children. It was an absolute "no" for me when meeting new people. Because I've been friends with this man for almost 10 years and had feelings for him long before E was born, and felt like the reward was probably worth the risk, I went for it, and it's worked out pretty well for us, but it's harder than I ever expected, and for someone I didn't have that prior "stuff" with, I wouldn't do it.

[ECB]

Jun 25, 2012 6:59:36 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I'd be more concerned with whether or not the guy was involved in the kids' lives, and whether or not they were married to either of the women. If he went around having "oops" babies with multiple women, I'd give that the side eye.

This is definitely more the issue. Also- how old is he, was he married/ in a committed relationship at the time, etc.

As said - it's a red flag, but not necessarily a dealbreaker.

[starryfish]

Deal breakers for me:

1. Been divorced twice (unless he has a really good reason/story)
2. Is not involved with his kids

I would prefer NOT to date someone with kids bc I am worried about: drama with Bio-mom, being a step-mom, different parenting styles, etc.

I definitely dont think I would date someone with multiple kids with multiple women. I am young so this really hasnt been a issue/problem for me

[heavenly]

My answer would be biased by the fact that I have been married twice. I only have one child but I remember not wanting to find a guy with children the second time around. Now after having my son, it would not be a deal breaker providing the guy got his stuff together. It would be a scenario by scenario type of thing.

I was so afraid to be judged but to be honest... I am not finding judgments from others in person and I am surprise how I don't scare so many guys away. However, I don't see relationships and marriage in the same way as I used to. It is about the relationship in the present moment and not about a profile of a guy that could contribute to my future dreams as we can only control so much of how our lives pan out.

[achase123]

I'd definitely want to know the circumstances. Plus, it would definitely add another level of complexity and potential areas for disagreements/custody battles etc. So I'd want to make really sure of how his relationship was with the children's mothers.

[letyourselfgo]

I'd prefer dating a man who already has kids. Not a red flag to me at all.
I'd date a man who has kids from different marriages or relationships.....as long as there was obviously some distance age-wise between them.

My only red flag is dating a guy who has been divorced three times (unless all of his spouses cheated on him) because them I'd wonder what exactly the deal is.

[doriswe]

I appreciate the honest answers! I am always upfront about my situation because I know it could potentially be a deal breaker with some guys. I'm going to assume the right guy will be okay with my situation, kwim?

[heavenly]

Jun 25, 2012 10:08:25 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I appreciate the honest answers! I am always upfront about my situation because I know it could potentially be a deal breaker with some guys. I'm going to assume the right guy will be okay with my situation, kwim?

I am with you on this one. Honestly, your circumstances is actually pretty common now days. It's not like people are walking around with a note that says I have been married more than once before and etc. Most people don't know unless you get personal with them. We are much harder and critical of ourselves than others of us. I find that some men have more compassion after having tough life experiences. (Some get more hard hearted too).

I am sure you will find a special somone that sees you for who you are. You are not your past. The past is the past.

[doriswe]

Jun 25, 2012 10:15:53 GMT -5 heavenly said:

Jun 25, 2012 10:08:25 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I appreciate the honest answers! I am always upfront about my situation because I know it could potentially be a deal breaker with some guys. I'm going to assume the right guy will be okay with my situation, kwim?

I am sure you will find a special somone that sees you for who you are. You are not your past. The past is the past.

This is what I'm hoping! And honestly, I wouldn't change a thing about my past because all of it helped me get to where I am now!

[wrathofkuus]

Honestly, yeah, that'd be a dealbreaker even if I weren't a childhater who refused to date anyone with more baggage than me. Maybe if I were in my sixties, and I met a widower of around the same age with kids from two different marriages, but in my thirties? No. I'm looking sideways at that.

[formerlyak]

I don't think I'd date someone who was my age and had kids from two different moms. More potential for drama with the multiple exs. But more importantly, I'd be concerned that he had not one, but two serious relationships (marriages) that produced children and then went sour. I'd be concerned about commitment issues on his part.

[sparkles17]

I think every situation is different. I got pregnant with my oldest as a teenager and was in a LTR relationship with his father. We eventually split up and 11 years later I had 2 children with my then husband. So yes, technically, I have 3 kids by 2 different dad's, but I don't think that automatically means my situation is drama. I would never have excluded a man from my dating pool simply based on kids and "baby-mamas", I would need to know more of the story and make a decision based on that.