More personal XP from WW, by yours truly

[Wrath0fKuus]

My interpersonal relationships are in shambles all over the damn place.

So earlier this week I posted about being somewhat at odds with BIL and his new wife, and the week before it was people from high school (though I did have dinner with the one old friend that I was actually disappointed not to see, and it was wonderful). I realize that I'm the common denominator here, so no need to belabor that point. Moving on...

I have this friend I've known about as long as I've known Mr. Kuus (we'll call him K). The three of us have been friends almost that whole 14 years, actually. Not friendly acquaintances, or even the kind of friends who hang out and do activities but don't confide or anything, but truly close friends. Well, K and I have been; he and Mr. Kuus were just in the past couple of years starting to be this kind of friends. Anyway, in the past year his wife has befriended Mr. Kuus (and me to some extent, but she probably more befriendly-beacquaintanced me) after having no interest in us for the past decade, and now they're getting divorced. Of course it sucks for us, because his stbx is a really cool person and I've been angling for the whole decade for her to be our new bff, but that's minor compared to how much it sucks for them.

Being friends and all, K has confided in me about the end of the marriage, and I've heard a little from his stbx, too (though Mr. Kuus knows a lot more about that end). And even hearing his side of it... he's in the wrong a lot, about many things, and if he's this obviously (to me) wrong in the story skewed to his perceptions, I can only imagine how dead wrong he is from her side. This would all be moot if he didn't want her back desperately, but since he does, shifting his perspective could mean the difference between this being a wake-up call they barely remember thirty happily married years from now, and him doing the same crap with woman after woman and whining about how terrible women are when they all leave him. And in an amazing stroke of luck, which it is is entirely under his control.

Of course I've said this to him, gently (Kuus gently, probably not regular people gently), and so has Mr. Kuus. And now he's not talking to us, and has blocked us on FB while keeping us as FB friends. It's really pissing me off.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. Since he's not speaking to me, there isn't really a course of action to take. I guess I could leave a message saying I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry; I still want him to get out of his own way and be happy whether that's with his stbx or not. I did leave a "hey, how are you?" message that has gone unreturned. I'm just mad that being a friend has lost me a friend.

[partiallysunny]

As long as he asked for your opinion (which, if he was confiding to you, I believe he did) you truly were his friend.

Hopefully he'll come to his senses. He didn't defriend you, so hopefully he just needs a little break.

[wrathofkuus]

He did ask, actually. But he has a team of other people rallying him with "fuck that selfish bitch for not just taking it like she's supposed to" so that makes us the outliers.

[captainmel]

I have a sneaking suspicion that he thinks you're probably right but he doesn't want to acknowledge it and that's why he's ignoring you. Maybe if you weren't so right he would still want to talk to you. K probably hasn't even realized he thinks you're right.

This does suck though. Have you thought about reaching out to the wife friend and just telling her you're not taking sides and you want to still be friends? If lots of people are taking his side maybe she thinks you are too and doesn't want a conflict.

[tiramisu]

Kuus, I'm sorry you've lost a friend. Hopefully it's only temporary and he comes to his senses soon.

Sometimes a particular person is the common denominator and sometimes a person has a run of bad luck or has let too many assholes and morons stay in their lives, so there will be eventual loss of those relationships.

[ECB]

3 unrelated thoughts:

1- (Kuus gently, probably not regular people gently) made me LOL.   

2- "common denominator" - eh, maybe, maybe  not.  I've had many friendships end/fade away.  But then I look around and look at the people i AM friends with, and I realize that it's a life cycle.  You aren't going to stay life-long friends w/ everyone you meet.  I'm sure I've made some stupid fumbles along the way that may have played a role in some friends drifting off (heck, even posted about one a few months ago where I truly have NO CLUE why the girl actively avoids me!), but it's not like I lose ALL my friends.  And I've got some 20+ year friendships going on...

3- to your issue specifically - like others have said,  hopefully after some time (where he perhaps does a little soul searching....), he'll come around.  Whether he admits you were right or not, who knows.  But give him some time and space, and maybe in a few weeks/months, just shoot him a "we miss you.  Thinking of you" message just so that he knows the door is always open. 

[margarita]

Give it some time. I'm betting that something you said resonated with him a little too much for his comfort, and when people are going through a tough time they tend to have a thinner skin than they might normally have about these things. Maybe he just needs a break. He'll probably come around.

I think it's always good to be mindful of the whole "common denominator" aspect in relationships, but FWIW, I'm not getting that vibe from the situations you've described here. I think it's just bad luck. We all have it once in a while, and it does suck.
Plus, I find that often when someone IS the common denominator, they're not very capable of acknowledging it. I'm not getting that sense from you at all.

[Deleted]

I typed something last night on the app, but it never got posted. Perhaps this is just short-term until he realizes you were right. I'm sure he'll be grateful in the long run that you said it and hope he finds his way back to you.