I need to talk about DH and school

[lauralala]

I don't know if this is a vent, asking opinions, what...I just need to discuss, I think. Sorry it is long!

When I met DH, he was working industrial construction.  He made good money, but the work was hard.  He told me on our second date that he didn't want to do that forever; he wanted to go to college, which he had never really tried to do. The year after we got married, he started school full-time and began working part-time.

I learned then that he had never done well in school as a kid.  He has severe test anxiety, and was labeled special ed in junior high.  He never had to take classes like Algebra or Biology - things pretty much everyone takes for granted. That means that he started math classes at the lowest developmental level.

That was 4 years ago.  School has been hard and frustrating for him.  He found a major he is passionate about, but all of the other requirements - especially the foreign language requirement - are hard for him to get through.  Those years have not been super smooth in other ways - we moved when I changed jobs, so he changed schools.  Two months after that, we got custody of DS, which was completely unplanned.

He has a year left to graduate, going full-time.  But he is done.  For the past year I have been telling him to hang in there, he doesn't have much time left.  But he is done, and I don't know what to do.  I told him last night he can drop 2 classes so that he can pass the other 3 he is taking and finish out this semester.  No, he doesn't need my permission, but he wants it, if that makes sense.

After that, he's in limbo.  He can't go back to what he used to do (location, plus it's been too long).  I feel so bad for him. I told him he can always go back to school later and finish the degree, but he feels like a failure.  I just don't know what to say to him.  I'm so proud of him for making it this far - he has worked way harder than I ever did.  But he has very little to show for it, and that hurts. 

[lauralala]

WOW that was long. Tl; dr - DH wants to quit school after 4 years; I feel bad for him.

[sunshineluv]

Why the sudden change? I mean he is in the home stretch. Is anything else going on? New money stress, one class he really doesn't think he can pass?

[iamali]

Look, I have two months left of grad school and fantasize about quitting EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

I'm OVER it, done, done, done.

But the reality is that would be extremely stupid. I understand your H is stressed, but encourage him to push through. It's 12 more months and then he'll have something that will better the future for all of you.

[lauralala]

Oct 18, 2013 10:05:12 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

Why the sudden change? I mean he is in the home stretch. Is anything else going on? New money stress, one class he really doesn't think he can pass?

He has started the same Spanish class 4 times; he just doesn't get it.  He's spending hours each day trying to learn it, to the point that his other classes are neglected. 

Money is a factor, too.  When DS's adoption is finalized next month, we lose all state support.  It's a net loss of about $1100 a month, which is huge on our budget.  We can do it - we've known all along it would happen - but things will definitely be tight.

And it's also not all that sudden.  I feel like I've talked him into staying in school repeatedly over the last couple of years.  At this point, he is there because I want him to be, not because he wants to.  That makes me feel really guilty.

[bex1973]

Ultimately he has to do it himself (you already know this of course). You shouldn't feel guilty about encouraging him to be better.

Couple of thoughts - does he understand that if he quits now he may as well have taken that tuition money and just thrown it off a building? Does his school have tutors available for the classes he struggles in?

For encouragement he could talk to people who are in the industry he's pursuing. Also maybe look at the Occupational Outlook handbook to see all he can do with his degree www.bls.gov/ooh/.

This is the suck. I'm sorry.

[game blouses]

Is there a different foreign language class he can take, like sign language? I've had students who struggled with Spanish really do well in sign language.

[darkling_glory]

If he was special ed, has he talked to the university about whether or not the foreign language requirement can be waived?

I know that this is a possibility, and he's shown good faith in attempting it four times!

[bex1973]

Oct 18, 2013 11:04:25 GMT -5 darkling_glory said:

If he was special ed, has he talked to the university about whether or not the foreign language requirement can be waived?

I know that this is a possibility, and he's shown good faith in attempting it four times!

This is actually a good idea - we do this at our university. UNLESS you think it would be even more disheartening if he got denied.

[margotmacomber]

I second the sign language suggestion.  I learned it in grade school because I had a deaf uncle (although I've forgotten most of by now).  It was much easier than learning Spanish in jr high.

[tulip]

Does it have to be Spanish? Could he do sign language? I know that sounds odd but at my High School we could take sign language as a option. I loved it and also could not pass Spanish. I could read and write fine but I failed every verbal test I took. That was 60% of the grade. Or he could look and see if another language clicks for him better German or just something.

I would not be okay with just giving up with the goal so close. He has to finish or pick a different major that doesn't require a language.

[bex1973]

Oct 18, 2013 11:08:48 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Oct 18, 2013 10:13:05 GMT -5 lauralala said:

He has started the same Spanish class 4 times; he just doesn't get it.  He's spending hours each day trying to learn it, to the point that his other classes are neglected. 

Money is a factor, too.  When DS's adoption is finalized next month, we lose all state support.  It's a net loss of about $1100 a month, which is huge on our budget.  We can do it - we've known all along it would happen - but things will definitely be tight.

And it's also not all that sudden.  I feel like I've talked him into staying in school repeatedly over the last couple of years.  At this point, he is there because I want him to be, not because he wants to.  That makes me feel really guilty.

So have him see the academic advisor and see if there is some other class he can take, or a community college short course he can do, to satisfy the requirement. He does not get to quit because he can't 'get' spanish.

Make sure he's not too close to graduation to do this. At my university students have to do their last 30 credits here (vs. transferring them in). Our students do have the option to petition this rule though.

[onomatopoeia]

I third the suggestion to talk to his advisor, his instructors, go to the student support center, whatever it takes. Don't let him quit. If he had an IEP in high school he should tell them that, they can and should make accommodations for him. Does he have a recent diagnosis around his anxiety?

What type of degree is he getting, for what type of work? Just curious.

[jennysmitten]

I know that some univeristies offer different sort of degrees that would allow him around the foreign language hurdle.

For example, at the University here you can get a Bachelor (BA/BS) or a Bachelor of General Studies (BGS). Both are four year bachelor degrees. But unlike the BA/BS, the BGS allows you to pick a concentration (generally four classes in a certain study area) to take the place of the foreign language requirements. Something like this sounds like it would be perfect for him. Encourage him to look in to it.

[livinitup]

Oct 18, 2013 10:13:05 GMT -5 lauralala said:

[livinitup]

Oct 18, 2013 10:13:05 GMT -5 lauralala said:

Oct 18, 2013 10:05:12 GMT -5 sunshineluv said:

Why the sudden change? I mean he is in the home stretch. Is anything else going on? New money stress, one class he really doesn't think he can pass?

He has started the same Spanish class 4 times; he just doesn't get it.  He's spending hours each day trying to learn it, to the point that his other classes are neglected. 

Money is a factor, too.  When DS's adoption is finalized next month, we lose all state support.  It's a net loss of about $1100 a month, which is huge on our budget.  We can do it - we've known all along it would happen - but things will definitely be tight.

And it's also not all that sudden.  I feel like I've talked him into staying in school repeatedly over the last couple of years.  At this point, he is there because I want him to be, not because he wants to.  That makes me feel really guilty.

The only thing I ever got a D in school was language, and I got 2 D's in Spanish. I started my foreign language requirement several times and dropped it 4 times. I didn't finish until my senior year - and that's because I logged a lot of hours in the lab and in office hours with an understanding professor. He passed me for my effort, without it, I would not have graduated. I was thrilled to get those D's.

Your DH might be a candidate to test-out. I probably should have pursued that, but the whole thing was so overwhelming I avoided it until senior year. He may have options he hasn't explored. Can he do a pass/fail?

Why aren't you getting an adoption subsidy for after the adoption? They do that in NY. Why don't you postpone the adoption. I know you want to finalize, but if the hit to your budget is huge, you may be better off. Its not like you'll stop being the best adoptive resource because you postpone.

If a 4-year degree or an Associates degree isn't for him, he needs to be enrolled in some program that will lead to certification and employment. But I agree with others that for a family man, quitting is not realistic. As much as it sucks, he should really finish. 

[lime]

Ok, I used to be an undergraduate academic adviser.

I definitely agree with the comments that he should go talk to the person from his department. This person will be able to give him a wealth of advice on how to best tackle this.

[tacokick]

Am I the only one who didn't have to take a foreign language in college?

I agree he needs to talk to an advisor and if there is a learning center, try them for help. No one regrets finishing their degree.

[lauralala]

First, I don't want to sound like I am not listening to everything you are saying. I have been practicing tough love for a year now. He is in Spanish tutoring/help 5 hours a week right now. He still hasn't passed a test. At his school, there is really no way to avoid foreign language for a BA degree - changing to a BS would basically start him over again. He passed the 1st Spanish class, but has to have two full years - it's the 2nd one that he has already dropped 3 times.

He has talked to his advisor, who also gives tough love - that has kept him in this long. He's not dropping out this semester, but he is dropping Spanish today. He can still take it all in time to graduate (with summer classes), but I just don't see that happening at this point.

If he stops going to school, we will be moving at the end of the school year. His school is the only thing keeping us in an area we do not want to live in. When we move to a larger city, there will be more options for him to finish his degree at that point.

I want to keep giving tough love, but I can't do it anymore. I think he will take a couple of semesters off and then finish. I think I am ok with that. I just needed to type it all out to come to that conclusion, I guess.

[Gato]

Maybe, for the next year, he could simply take the Spanish classes he needs to get through - no other classes. That would be cheaper for you guys. Could he hire a tutor to help? $15 an hour once a week could make a world of difference.

I dropped out of college with less than a year to go. For me - it was fine. I had no career direction at that point. But since he DOES have something he's passionate about, I hope he keeps trying.

If he does want to transfer, he might want to check if his potential new school will allow him to graduate with only one year of credits taken at that school. What I encountered were a lot of schools that required two years of study *at that school* in order to get a degree from that school.

[lime]

lauralala - what does he think he needs in order to do this? (Or, what do you think he needs?)

Does he need to just get done with Spanish, does he need to do this via a nontraditional method, does he need more tough love, does he need to take a semester off, does he need to take a different language, does he need an internship/mentor in his field to help him keep on his goal?

The more clearly he can identify the root problem, the more easy this will be to solve.

[mcsangel2]

You say he finished the first one, but needs 2 full years. (BTW, it's the same in my state - I have an AA for when I started a degree in history, and have 2 years of a language; I'm also pursuing a BS in accounting which does not have a language requirement).

Are you saying he passed Spanish 101, but keeps dropping out and withdrawing from Spanish 102 (second semester)? And he would still need 2 more semesters after that? I would really, REALLY love to be encouraging here, but if he has had that much trouble and that many tries (four?) at Spanish 102, I am skeptical that he can get through a language requirement. The second year is definitely challenging. (I also disagree with a PP who said another language might be easier. Romance languages usually are considered the easiest to learn, and Spanish generally the easiest of those. German? Noooooooo.)

I get it. I have five more years just to get my bachelor's. I have been OVER school for about a year (been in school for 3 years now). I still have to consider whether I'll pursue a master's after this, which I should.

I really think, that if there is no way his school will waive the language requirement, you really need to give up the idea of him pursuing a BA. Going for a BS isn't COMPLETELY starting over, the general ed requirements are the same. But you know what? I'm going to be at least 46 when I graduate. He's going to get older whether or not he has a degree. That time is going to pass whether or not he's in school. What keeps me going, every semester, is the mantra "It's only 17 weeks." 17 weeks goes by pretty quick. The end of a semester that you're not in school, realizing you could have had another 2 or 4 or 5 classes finished...he just has to get through it.

[sonrisa]

Oct 18, 2013 12:14:18 GMT -5 lauralala said:

If he stops going to school, we will be moving at the end of the school year. His school is the only thing keeping us in an area we do not want to live in. When we move to a larger city, there will be more options for him to finish his degree at that point. 

Don't move until he gets his degree. Some other college is unlikely to let him show up, take two classes and get a degree from them.

[sonrisa]

You say he needs two years of language. Does it ned to be two years in one language, or could he now take French 101 or Italian 101 instead?

[lauralala]

Oct 18, 2013 14:29:23 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

You say he needs two years of language. Does it ned to be two years in one language, or could he now take French 101 or Italian 101 instead?

It has to be two years of 1 foreign language.  As far as moving goes, we would most likely be moving back to Houston, and he could finish at the school he was at before - he has enough hours there that if he completed a couple of semesters, he could graduate.  There are a couple of degree programs that he could finish out easily enough that do not have a language requirement.

mcsangel2 - Yes, he still has three classes to go l he has only finished one.

kooshball - He has never actually been diagnosed with an LD.  He's been out of high school 20 years, and the schools he went to just kind of stuck everyone who had disabilities in a room together and let them graduate.  His parents didn't know any better.  I have a lot of issues with the education he received growing up, but it can't be changed now.

I know this is not what you all want me to say, but the more I think about it, the better moving and having him transfer back sounds.  He can take a couple of classes next semester to stay enrolled, and go from there.  It might be the best way to get him to finish the degree, which is obviously important at this point.