Talk to me about unemployment or underemployment

[macmars45]

I've been unemployed/underemployed the entire 4 years I've been married to H. The first 5.5 months I was actually unemployed and super needy with H. From Sept 2009-Sept 2012 I hated my 2 part time jobs and went through cycles of I hate everything in my life but H. He was super supportive, encouraging and sympathetic the whole time. Without him as my cheerleader I'd have cracked. In Sept 2012 I traded my 2 part time jobs for one part time job that I love. It's a really great job for having a work life/family life balance so I plan on keeping it until our kids (that don't exist yet but hopefully will by 2015) are school aged.

I personally dealt with it by making goals like fill out x number of applications in a week, taking breaks for a few months because job hunting is the suck and can kiss my ass (I job hunted on & off for 3 long years), and venting to H.

[latte]

I was laid off last February and started work 2 weeks ago. I was fortunate enough to get a 5.5 month severance package and then received EI from August until April. I also got a job a temp agency, but seriously didn't work very often. It was really hard and was tough on our marriage. MH was kind of resentful that I was at home and I was resentful that I had to do everything around the house. I had some pretty bad lows and they really would come out of nowhere. I really just had to keep going and keep applying for jobs, which was so frustrating because you would apply for 50 jobs and maybe get 1 or 2 phone calls. So I would set myself goals each week where I would say "Ok, I need to apply for 10 jobs this week." Sometimes that didn't happen because I don't live in a very big city and there were weeks that there were no new job postings. I stayed on a schedule and still got up before 7 every day and would drink my coffee while looking for jobs and getting my stuff ready to drop off resumes.

You need to know that it won't last forever, even when it seems hopeless. Make sure you both feel comfortable telling each other how you are feeling and don't bottle it up. I found it helped more to talk to someone other than MH who could offer an outside perspective. Keep going and expect there to be bad days. Sometimes I wouldn't look for a job, get out of bed early, do anything but sit on the couch and wallow in self pity, but I would only allow myself a day and the next I would get back to it.

Make sure you each take care of yourself and your SO. Go on date nights, even if you don't spend any money. Take time for each other because it can be really isolating and lonely.

I hope whoever is dealing with this finds something quickly.

[isabel]

I'm sorry, PJ.

I wonder if the outside perspective of a counselor might be helpful for both of you. You may be right about him not trying hard enough (though I'm sure he's feeling the strain of still having to look for a job he wants) and it would probably be good for him to hear that from a neutral party.

[Deleted]

Oct 19, 2013 0:09:13 GMT -5 @pjfranklin said:

Thanks for the responses. I have a job, although it doesn't pay especially well (though the benefits are good). My H is the one who is underemployed. He was unemployed for 5 months (no EI, severance, etc.). I think he only got a job because I cried myself to sleep from stress one too many times. His response up until then had been that we had X months until our savings ran out and he had to resort to a job he didn't want. I know he was just trying to deflect concern and seem less worried than I'm sure he was. He finally got a service sector job, which means we can start saving money again, but we're still living very frugally.

I feel unbelievably shitty for saying this, but I don't think he's trying hard enough to find a job. A family member tried to pull some strings for him, but he didn't even have anyone look over his resume before submitting it. We had specifically talked about doing that. Now there's another job opening where I work that two people have mentioned H should apply for. I don't think he will. I can't put my professional reputation on the line for him, and I can't let my boss do so either.

I think he's given up. He's told people we're relying on me getting a good job in the future. I can't stand the pressure anymore. We're not communicating well, mainly because I can't keep saying the same thing. It's affecting my personality. I think I'm going to find a counselor.

Oh my gosh. We are in almost the exact same boat. My husband was laid off from him job of 14 years about 6 weeks after we found out I was pregnant with our first child. Because he had been with his company for so long, he received 38 weeks severence which ends Dec. 8th. There were so many times I cried to him about how worried I was that he wasn't trying hard enough to get a job but he kept pointing out that he is still technically getting paid and then we have decent savings.

While I'm home on maternity leave I'm realizing just how much effort he isn't putting forth and its beyond frusterating to the point we were talking about seperating (and I'm 40 weeks pregnant!). He has also pointed out that I could get a job that pays more which is infuriating because that's not going to fix his problem of not having one, you know?

We started therapy last week. I hope it helps.

[CurlyQ284]

My DH was out of work for 9 months. I was laid off for the last 3 months of it so we both lost our jobs. It was the height of the recession and we had to leave the area to find work. I don't know how I got through it, I've blocked it from memory. ((Hugs))

[pitterwoo]

My H has been underemployed for 2 years. He tried to start a business, it didn't really work and he's trying to get back in the job market now. Honestly the only thing making it OK is savings. I'm pregnant and we will not be able to afford another person on just my income. So we have 7 months for him to find something.

In the meantime he is in charge of a lot of house stuff. I still do a lot of cleaning, but he gets all the groceries, cooks, packs me a lunch, etc.

[mskitkat]

I'm terrified of this. H is quitting his job to follow my job across in a few months. He has done NOTHING to prepare for it. I have been practically begging him to update his resume, update his linked in profile, submit his resume to places around here so he can go on practice interviews. I found a professional society for him to join in the new city. Nothing. We'll be able to live on just my salary for a while, but I know I won't handle the stress of being the sole income provider well, especially if he just spends his days sitting around playing video games and occasionally submitting his (untailored) resume. It's going to be a serious test of our marriage.