Well...update/I need to type so it's long

[SwimDeep]

Just wanted to quickly update...

Heard back from Financial Aid. Had I chosen to, I could have taken a leave of absence and suffered no penalty to my loans/grant. After thinking about it for several days, I decided not to drop my classes. So I'm fighting through midterms right now, still carrying a full load at work, and still fighting with DH about my family.

I am seeing my therapist regularly. I like her, but I feel like I'm at the point where I want to say "OK, so I've been talking my guts out for the past few weeks...what are you going to do to help me?" I've told DH multiple times now that I want to find a marriage counselor. Sometimes he'll agree, but then he'll change his mind. I think he thinks I'm the only one with a problem (and if I would just do everything his way, I wouldn't have a problem).

He told me today that he was glad he hadn't invested more in our relationship because he doesn't see it going anywhere. I wish I had reacted when he said it...because it hurt. I'm fully invested in this relationship. I could have gone off about how much of myself I have poured into this relationship for the last four years, but I didn't. He gets mad at me because I don't react "in-the-moment" to shit my family pulls. He doesn't realize I don't react "in-the-moment" to him either.

Here's the reason why: I self-injure...since I was a teen. So as a coping mechanism I've learned to delay my emotional reactions. (I am extremely emotional today...hormones are off the charts.) So I don't react when people do things that hurt. I freeze. I check myself. Have they really done/said something hurtful? Is it just my crazy?

But that self-preservation mechanism that I've programmed into my brain is exactly what's making him so mad.

Full disclosure: He did not know about my mental problems before we got married. I thought I had them under control, so I wasn't honest about them. I truly thought I would never hurt myself again. Then we started fighting...and I couldn't really keep it a secret after that. I've tried talking to him about it, but I don't feel like he's heard me.

My irrationalities are ruling tonight. I'm glad I have school to focus on.

Anyway, this got really long and rambly. I'm sorry. I don't have anyone else to say all this too.

[SwimDeep]

HA! ... quick update... I crack myself up.

[cuddlyevil]

Sometimes it is better to not engage.

I am glad you have school to focus on. Keep talking to your therapist, one day she might say something that will help itall fall into place.

[SwimDeep]

thanks... She is helping a lot. And everything is starting to fall into place.

It's just making me incredibly sad.

[tiramisu]

(((SwimDeep)))

I'm impressed that you have so much going on and are still doing so well. I also still want to kick your husband's ass for his extreme rigidity. I agree with cuddlyevil that sometimes it's better not to engage.

I hope you can learn to trust your instincts more instead of looking at yourself as "crazy." You've done what you've done because it worked. When you were confronted with extreme stress, of course you went back to what worked in the past. You are still an amazing, strong woman and you will get through this.

[SwimDeep]

tiramisu I can't express how much I appreciate what you wrote.
Thank you.

[captainmel]

I just want to give you a giant hug.

I'm going to just agree with tiramisu because she's really smart.

[partiallysunny]

I agree with tiramisu. It's a coping mechanism, one you've used for a long time. You went back to what you know.

Of course, you should try to find a healthier was of dealing with stress. Your therapist can help with that.

Maybe your therapist is waiting for you to tell her how you'd like to move forward? Have you thought of any goals you'd like to obtain in therapy and voiced those to your therapist?

Your H infuriates me. He's selfish and cold.

[partiallysunny]

AND I'm glad you didn't drop out of school. Your are doing great, considering!

[margarita]

Oct 22, 2013 21:10:41 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

He told me today that he was glad he hadn't invested more in our relationship because he doesn't see it going anywhere. I wish I had reacted when he said it...because it hurt.

Fuck that guy. I'm so sorry. What a cold, awful thing to say.

Ditto, tiramisu. You are doing great. (((hugs)))

[dixienormous]

(((SwimDeep))) just keep swimming. And if you have to tread water for a while, it's ok. And keep reminding yourself that only the strongest can tread. You can do whatever it is that you need to for YOU.

[starrieskies]

Oct 23, 2013 8:00:19 GMT -5 margarita said:

Oct 22, 2013 21:10:41 GMT -5 SwimDeep said:

He told me today that he was glad he hadn't invested more in our relationship because he doesn't see it going anywhere. I wish I had reacted when he said it...because it hurt.

Fuck that guy. I'm so sorry. What a cold, awful thing to say.

Ditto, tiramisu. You are doing great. (((hugs)))

This, absolutely!

He says this shit to get to you, swim deep. He knows it hurts and it will knock you of balance. Know his game and refuse to play. Your doing so great!

[malibu]

What everyone else has said. I am impressed at your ability to not give him the satisfaction of a hurt reaction (even though I realize from your OP that it doesn't exactly come from a good place in your past).

It doesn't sound like your marriage is going to get much better, he definitely doesn't sound like he's going to cooperate or invest any of his own time or energy to fix it. I hope, until you make a decision either way, you'll be able to make it through everything going on with as much strength as you've shown in your posts.